Trust

hi M., when you talk to your kids about stranger danger and all that, you have to talk about their privates and other peoples privates and trusting their feelings. and that anything that anyone tells them not to tell you is the exact thing they need to tell you right away. tell them that it is not only strangers, that sometimes someone they or you know, or even someone they or you like can be sick and want to do bad things to children. tell them it doesnt matter who it is, they need to tell you if anyone makes them feel funny in any way, if anyone wants to touch them or wants them to touch him. tell them you will always believe them and will never be mad at them. you have to have these conversations often and matter of factly. it doesnt have to be overwhelming all at once scary, just inserted into your daily conversations whenever appropriate, the same way you remind them to stay out of the road or cover their mouth when they cough or a million other things we automatically teach them every day. you also need to teach them what to do if.... role play with them.... you can also look up any name online, i think i saw that you are in jersey? i dont know what your state has, new york has an online sex offender registry. but go to your states website and im sure you will find it. also mapsexoffenders.com, national center for missing and exploited children, the safe side, darkness to light, familywatchdog.com... these sites should also have info to help you in talking to your kids. i know parents for megans law is a great site and you can sign up to be notified when an offender moves in near you, but im not sure if they are in your area? .... there are lots of sites that you can run a name by, your local police dept should be able to do it also. of course, these are only the known sex offenders. even sadder is that they are simply allowed to walk around free preying on our kids, its disgusting. another sad thing is that in addition to whoever you are dating, there are lots of other people in and around your childrens life. but i suppose you know all about this already, i am so sorry about that. you must be vigilant, look for the signs, look for anyone that is just too interested in your children or anyone your kids try to avoid. trust your instinct as well as theirs. and talk to your children. often. you cant be with them every minute, more so as they grow, you have to give them the tools to protect themselves.

Well, as a former single mother I know what its like to be lonely. And worried.

Now as a married mother of 3, I also know what its like to question our marriage.

I would have to say that trust is not given to anyone.
Especially when it comes to your kids.

You get online and you check the registry every 6 months or so,so you get a feel for who and what areas the Abusers are located,

STILL thats not enough.

Single moms have a tendency to jump into relationships,
and dream of the happily everafter.

AND Sadly this is not realistic.
you are not cinderella. and he will never be price charming.

Perhaps you look at someone and think gee i wish i had that.
( DON't its not real, they are pretending.)

NOW back to the issue.

IF your dating someone, YOU need to establish a golden rule.

DO Not introduce any man to your kids.
NEVER, no matter what. ( they have a father.)
they don't need any extra friends or male figures.
They don't want to share you.

second. Your just dating. and the dating part is for YOU not the kids.

If you need help with the kids, then DAD needs to pitch in.
( OK so lets say he can't)

Then ask a friend.
( got no friends)
ask your mom
( mom says NO)

THEN TOUGH LUCK.

Ok so say your dating a man for say 3 months or LONGER.
and he wants to meet your kids,
YOU stay with them , take them to the bathroom,
change their clothes in private, and teach them to say no,
and to tell you if ANYONE< touches them incorrectly.

and EVEN THEN you keep your kids close.

I can honestly tell you, I dated plenty of guys when i was single and NEVER once, brought a man home while my kids were home. NEVER gave them my key, Never let them spend the night even if the kids weren't home, And ALWAYS closed My childs bedroom door over, so they COULD NOT look inside.

Predators want to get to know your child.
what they like, what their rooms are like,
want to help you.

That said, eventually you have to trust.

My oldest was 6 years old when I remarried.
And my husband DID NOT spend ONE NIGHT in my house until we were married. We were friends for 6 years prior to that.and dated other people in between.
( SO BASICALLY It took me 6 years to get to know him)
NOT 6 months

My husband and son are not the best of friends.
But thats OK, My son has a father,
( even if he isn't the greatest, its still his dad)

I have given my husband 2 sons of his own, and he is their father.

If something ever happened between us, He would still be their father.

And I would NOT EVER trust ANY man Around my Kids.
NOT EVER.

No marriage is perfect. Nothing lasts forever.
Who knows what will happen in the future.

You just need to make smart decisions.
And be very very very cautious.

Just my opinion
Good Luck!

M

We live in a difficult world and "Trust" yes, it becomes a huge issue. But we can't live in a bubble.

We need to slow down when it comes to relationships with others. Sometimes out of loneliness we block seeing the reality of behaviors in others and even make excusing for those ill behaviors. I believe if we slow down, watch, listen, question and stay in reality and trust our instincts, inner feelings, we do get to see early signs of who a person really is...that a person is badly motivated, up to no good, badly behaved and not right for us or our children.

Slowing down and learning the above was one of the many things I had worked on in therapy...I don't always get it right...nothing in life is perfect but I know I have saved myself a lot of problems, heartache and disappointment because of what I had learned in therapy....so maybe that's what you need to do as well.

Hey M.,

I was always an overprotective mom (my kids are 24 and 20) in this type of situation. I never left my kids with anyone but my mom, mother in law, and an aunt who was like a second mother. When my son was 1 my sister-in-law became engaged to a really nice guy. We were invited frequently to his parents home to swim in their beautiful built in pool. His family was so friendly as well as wonderful hosts. Shortly after the engagement his sister tried to commit suicide and then the family secrets began to unfold. The dad was arrested for molesting a two year old girl while he was installing carpeting in the little girls home. He was such a nice friendly man that I guess the mom let the child play in the room close to where he was. Long story short he also was molesting his daughter who was a teen at the time. The worst part of the whole thing is his wife stood by him and subjected her children to the denial she lived. They attending his court hearing as a supportive family to support him. He was sentenced but to only one year and when he was released he went back home to his family. Needless to say my sister in law ended the relationship. This experience effected me until this day because I would not have hesitated to leave my son in the care of this family (thank god I didn't). On the outside they looked like such wonderful people. I also became a single mom when my son was 19 months old and dated but never brought anyone around my son until I met my current husband. You must be careful because sometimes gut instincts do not always come to play. I was completely fooled by this man so I am sure any unsuspecting innocent child would be as well. Point being is child molesters do not always look like creeps so the best way to prevent something from happening to our children is to never leave them with anyone other then someone you KNOW completely. Even teaching them about strangers and improper touching isn't enough to an innocent child we have to keep them safe. Good luck I hope you and your children's father can remain together and continue to be a family.

As a single mother of two girls I definitely keep their safety in mind at all times! It's nice to be in a relationship with someone you connect with but if a female is putting wanting to be in a relationship because she doesn't want to be single above the safety of her kids, then where are her priorities? It's taken me well over a year to start dating. To me, it's all about listening to my instincts regarding someone. I definitely don't have a man I'm seeing (not that there's been many) meet my kids until 2 months into the relationship. If he can't understand my concerns then he's not for me. Using your head regarding starting a new relationship is a must! Men come and go but your kids are yours forever!

I am not in your situation but have often times wondered this. how do you trust the guy not be a pedophile right? well, you never stop watching over them and pay attention to signs. most likely it won't happen but why risk it. so i say, never ever make excuses for the guy if your children are expressing signs of discomfort around someone, or have changes in their sleep patterns, start eating poorly, show behavioral problems etc....all those would point out to something's amiss
good luck

There are warning signs to look for in any relationship: jealousy, not wanting a partner to talk to friends and family, encouraging the partner to be dependent, saying things to diminish self esteem, etc. I think it is best to learn about those warning signs and keep them in mind but it is VERY important not to let fear take over your life!

You state that you have been a victim in the past and it does not sound like you have confidence in your current relationship. I think that you need to talk to a counselor to sort this out. It might also be a good idea to remove yourself from unstable relationships until you can address your difficulty with trusting others. Sounds like you are having a rough time--I'm sending ((Hugs)) your way and hoping that you can find confidence and peace in your life. Oh, and please keep in mind that your children learn a lot from observing your relationships, how your are treated and how others treat you. What kind of relationship do you hope your children will have some day? Just something to think about. Good luck.

Are you asking what happens after you leave your children's father? Are you saying that you are unhappy in your current situation? That is what I will address. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

I have 4 children as well in a blended family. My opionion is to do anything and everything to make your current relationship work. It is hard work, especially if you are already to the point of getting out. But it can be done. You just have to make a decision to do it. Notice I didn't say you have to FEEL like it :-) Here are some things that helped me. I encourage you to use each and everyone of them to the fullest benefit and act your way to better feelings, don't feel your way to better actions.

marriage counseling
www.retrouvaille.org
www.overcomersinchrist.org
date night every Saturday night, even if it is going for a walk.
Prayer

I hope this helps you.

Blessings,
T. E.