Trouble in the Bedroom

D.,
What helped me was just "sucking it up" and doing it - even though I really didn't feel like it. I am very attracted to my husband and we have a fantastic relationship but I just couldn't seem to be all that interested. So I just jumped right in and that seemed to get my libido back on track!!!
Good luck!

T.

I was having this same problem up until a few months ago. It does take a little practice to get back into it. However, I don't think 'doing it' for his sake is necessarily Ok for you. Then you might not ever find out the reason for your loss in libdo. I found a couple of things that helped. For whatever reason, birth control pills were one of them. After I got off the pill, that helped get me more interested. Then I started exercising. That really brought my libdo back out. I think it's so easy for moms, especially SAHM's, to just let ourselves go. It's easy to get into bad eating habits and by the time we get time to exercise, we just want to have a moment to ourselves. I forced myself to exercise for at least 30 minutes everyday. Even after that, there was an issue because sex just didn't feel the same. Kegels, kegels, and more kegels! Sometimes incontinence is not the only sign that those muscles are out of shape down there. 20 sets 3 times a day, hold for 10seconds, release for 10 seconds. This made sex more enjoyable for both of us and restablished a much needed conection. Women need that physical connection just as much as men do and there's no reason why you can't have that back. Good luck and I hope this helps!

You are not alone! I have felt the same drastic change since my second child was born (now 8 months old).

While it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to your ob-gyn about possible reasons/referrals, here are the things I think about/work on:

1. Don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you think about being intimate with your husband, try to imagine and remember the enjoyment of it -- even if that means you have to think back to before you were pregnant. Work on stirring those feelings. If you talk about it with someone, don't sound negative about it.

2. Do those little romantic things you used to do. Leave him little notes. Make a special dinner. Maybe spruce up before he comes home from work. This will do two things. It will put *you* back in the mindset of being 'romantic', and it will also (hopefully!) help him to also start making little extra efforts that will make you feel more loved.

3. Remember that this is an important expression of love for most men. I know I personally could survive on our family time and a little one-on-one talking/entertainment (ie playing a game, seeing a movie). BUT I *know* my husband both expresses and "receives" love to/from me most powerfully through love-making. It's just the way he's wired. The other thing I've read (my husband has never said this in so many words, but I do believe it's true) is that when they feel like WE are satisfied with their love-making, it gives them confidence in the rest of their life (ie work).

In other words, even if you have little or no interest in it, as long as it doesn't physically hurt (an issue I am actually still dealing with, believe it or not) I would really make an effort to meet your husband half-way. Try to up your "day time romance" to help stimulate what's left of your libido (I know it's hard!), and consider it an important expression of love to the man who you are sharing your life with.

I hope this makes sense. I do truly and deeply understand what you're going through because I am too. (My baby is still nursing and still in our bedroom (and our bed most nights as well!).) Also, talk with your husband (not when he's 'in the mood!') to explain what you're struggling with, but that you still love and respect him and hope that it will get better with some effort.

Good luck!
T.

I think it normally happens. You are no longer the same person as you were "pre baby". You are probably tired, worn out and not feeling very sexy. Our lace nighties are replaced by puke infested nightgowns that we are too tired to wash,and our husbands never seem to understand. Anything. WE might know that we have extremely handsome attractive mates but we can't get our batteries charged long enough to get the engine moving. Sex no longer seems like the fun it was before. In fact sometimes it can feel like a chore. Well, the same with exercise. Ever start exercising and find out later you love it and miss it? Well, like one of these other wonderful ladies said, perhaps you just dive in and do it anyway. We don't really like brushing our teeth but think how good we feel after we do. Talk all you want but we will never be on the same planet as guys, so just go for it anyway. That desire returns, trust me. Sometimes later even when you don't want it too!

This isn't just physiological, because my son is adopted, and I just haven't felt the same about sex since we brought him home nearly five years ago. I don't know if it's a result of fatigue, or split focus, or just some kind of emotional stress. I am married to a wonderful, loving, patient man who insists he is fine with our reduced sex life - but I know he misses the frequency and energy we once shared. I think it's good advice to sometimes push yourself a little - I have been trying that myself in the last year and it has definitely helped. It's important - and difficult - to find a balance between your needs that respects whatever is going on with you both. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all solution, but I think the advice you've gotten here is solid. Good luck!

Hi D.,

First, I want to commend you for throwing this one out there. I think anyone who has kids can relate to this question but few are bold enough to talk about it :-) I think the ebb and flow of the sex life is totally normal regardless of a baby. Throw in all the extra "stress" of a child an you have a recipie for your situation. We have lots of friend couples and we all laugh at how the sex life gets tanked when the daily stresses add up. A few thoughts -

1) If you haven't already, talk to your husband. Is he feeling the same way? You need to approach this as a team and not let it be the "one of us wants it more than the other" scenerio.

2) If you can, make som time for you and your husband to be alone so you can reconnect. It doesn't have to be a night or weekend away - go to dinner alone - go somewhere you used to go before you were "mommy" and "daddy."

3) Talk to your doctor about your feelings. You could have emotional or physiological reasons for your lack of sex drive.

You can get through this - don't worry, only another 17 years until the baby leaves and you have some alone time...ha ha!

Hi D.,
You've received some wonderful advice on this, I just wanted to add another vote of support for the gal who suggested "jumping back in". I am the same way. If more than a week goes by, my desires and interest slows down. Then when I'm in bed, I'd actually prefer to sleep than expend all that energy. But it all comes back once we're together. (And also make some time for just you, not mommy, but time for you to be D.; and do what you love, it help to remind yourself that you're a woman too.)
L.

My little one is almost three months old and I know what you're talking about. I was in a bookstore earlier this week browsing and found (and read while in the bookstore) the chapter that discusses sex in a book called "Babyproofing Your Marriage" that helped a bit. It talked about things that both the husband and the wife can do to help the situation. Jumping back in was one of them, but I found other suggestions just as helpful. You might want to check it out too...

You'de be surprised how common this problem really is. You need quality time with yourself and with your husband. Kids can "draw the life right out of you" and you never see it coming. Have hubby take baby out for a few hours to give you time to be you. Take a hot bath, whatever to get yourself to relax. Then maybe you and he can go out for a nice meal 2gether. You probably have too much of the responsibility with baby and are feeling overloaded. Good luck mommy

My son is the same age as yours, and I was experiencing the same exact thing. Since he was about 2 months I was making sex a weekly "task". I stopped breastfeeding in November, and thought for sure that by libido would return, but it didn't. Two months ago, I took the bull by the horns, and bought the "Complete Idiot's guide to Amazing Sex". It's sad that after 8 1/2 years of marriage it came down to a book. However, it really helped to just read the descriptions and learn some new tricks. After reading during the day I was ready to punce when my husband came home. We also bought some edible oils, lotions, and powders from Lover's Lane. We're easing into those though. Baby Steps. I hope this helps.

J.

I think this is totally normal, and sad for the women who don't feel like indulging in the benefits of marriage! I often feel sooooo nervous when my husband and I are intimate... and our next baby is due soon so whatever groove I'd gotten back since our first son was born will certainly disappear as I start the process all over again! I think what helped me was easing back into it - we started with cuddling on the couch at night, then we made sure we kissed each day (it's amazing how long you can go without a kiss and not even realize it), and then massages, candlelit dinners with wine on weekends, candles in the bedroom, etc. Make it special and it should get you more in the mood.

I have told my husband that after taking care of our son all day, the last thing I want to do is think about expending any more energy taking care of anyone else. This is a sad thing to think, though, because sex is one of the things a marriage needs to stay healthy. But then after I let him "talk me into it," how can I possibly say to myself "wow, that was a complete waste of time." You know what I mean? It's always worth it, it just takes baby steps and a little push from yourself. I tell my husband he really has to make some moves to get me in the mood. Let him work for it, you deserve it!

Marriages change for sure after a baby is born, so maybe you need to reinvent yourselves. It will be different, but it doesn't have to disappear. I think the more you do it the more you want it so give in a little and see what happens :)

I'm in the same boat and would love to read your responses. I hope to see you back on the 'What Happened' board.

I think this is normal. Anyway it happened to me. It takes patience, creativity & determination to get the libido back on track. A weekly date night & massage therapy can do wonders!

Hi D.,

Aside from taking care of your son, home, and run errons. Do you work outside of the home? You may not have your sex drive back because you may be a bit resentful towards your husband. Never mind if you do or do not work outside of your home. Rearing a child, taking care of your home, etc. is and can be demanding. Don't feel guilty about your lack of sex drive.

Your husband and family members must, and I strongly use the word (must) realize that you need a break now and then. Children are a joy, but if we are to be the moms that they need us to be - then moms need to have some play time as well.

I went through this myself, and I had a heck of a time getting my husband to understand what I was going through until I just didn't want to speak to him. He finally got the message. Even though he didn't want to leave our son with his sister, our son's godmother, I force the issue. I also pointed out that our son needed to learn to trust and feel comfortable with his godmother, grandmother and other immediate family members that we felt comfortable with.

Having gone through that, as our son grew and we told him that mommy and daddy were going on a date, he looked forward to that time to be with his cousins or grandparents. He thought that it was silly that his parents still went on dates, but as he grew he thought nothing more of it.

Hang in there!

I've heard Dr. Laura Berman say on TV that it takes up to a year after b-feeding for the hormones to get back on track...then you have number two. But yes, you have to work at it, small things here and there, cuddling, leaving notes in his pocket, etc to help get the imagination going and fired up. My baby is 8m and am still nursing and try to make an effort once a week so you don't lose it. I know, it is not easy!