I Just Dont Know What to Do - Lansing,IL

You mentioned you "needed" him and he wasn't there for you. Could that be the root of the problem and cause of why you are feeling detached?

It sounds like you have lost "you". After 7 years and with 4 children it is easy to do! Find the beautiful person that you are again!! (Not the mom or the wife) Counseling will help and he is being supportive, don't change anything just yet.
Good luck!

It is physically impossible to have the 'falling in love' feelings beyond about two years. There is scientific proof in the form of brain scans that show a drop in dopomine. Beyond that, all relationships are work. That is why divorce rates in America are so high...people would rather toss away something to move on to the next 'high' of a new relationship. Guess what? That one will fizzle too!

I recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. My church just started a 5-week small group Sunday School class on this. It sounds to me like two are speaking two different Love Languages. Since you don't want for anything, he is loving you the way he knows how - through Acts of Service. You don't see this as a loving act because you 'speak' a different Love Language - probably Quality Time. It is much like spoken language in that if you don't learn to speak what the other 'hears' it is like you are speaking Spanish while he is speaking German. You two don't understand that you are both showing love how YOU want to receive it, rather than how your partner receives it. Make sense? I hope I haven't been too confusing. PLEASE read one of the Love Language books....you'll see what I mean!! You two just need your Love Tanks filled. Once that happens, your relationship will deepen, grow, and prosper. You have nothing to lose, and a WORLD of difference to gain!

Many Blessings to you both!!

Dear Keno,

I have a different perspective on this. I've found that sometimes in life when everything is going well (good marriage, no financial problems, healthy couple and kids), it is easy to get bored and make up problems just so you have some excitement. Sometimes we take for granted the riches we have and there is no "spice" or anything to keep our interest. I suggest that you and your hubby have some more date time. The counseling is good too to work out these issues. Take some time to reconnect with him. Go for walks and on dates...it helps.

Hang in there. Let divorce be a last resort.

M.

I have been married now for 10 years. Been around the block a few times by now. My opinion. Year 3 and 7 SUCK. My mom and oldest sister say the same thing. I too am not a fan of stick it out for the kids but had my parents not had that resolve they wouldn't have the marriage they have now so...

What you are describing here to me is not a bad relationship just one that you lost your way in. I would say that if you are both willing to work at it you will be as good as new if not better. You just have to decide that is what you want.

Life does get in the way and your husband won't always be there when you need him. Not because he doesn't want to be but because he doesn't know what you needing him is. I know that sounds odd but your ideas and his ideas of what you need are completely different. You might try to find the book His needs Her needs. It might be a great resource. Then there will be times that he just plain old lets you down. The thing is what you decide to do with that anger and hurt. Really if we are being honest here, he probably doesn't even have a clue.

I have heard this story a few times now and I don't know where it came from but here it is: There was a couple who had been married for 50+ years and when asked how it was they managed to stay together their response was "We never fell out of love with each other at the same time." Not that they had never fallen out of love but that they just didn't do it at the same time. When my husband and I have been here I have found it is because we forgotten to be friends.

How do you get it back? Set aside 5 minutes to talk with each other. During that time you are not allowed to talk about the kids or work. There have been times that I thought would ever fill those 5 minutes. Institute date night. A date by the way can be doing anything together that is not a chore and does not involve the kids. For example grocery shopping is not a date; going for a walk is a date. Make lists, and write them down, of what attracted you to each other in the first place. Once you make that list go over it with each other. The trick there is to not look at how he or you have changed in that area. Go over that list more than once, try once a week. Make a list of the things you each miss about the other and go over it too. Make a point to do little things like holding hands. It may be awkward at first but it shouldn't stay that way.

I hope this rambling has been helpful. Wish you the best!

First off, love isn't a feeling. Love is a decision. You aren't going to feel all warm and fuzzy about your husband all the time. Often times that feelings you feel in a new relationship are mistaken for love. When those feelings are gone people think they no longer love the person they are with. In reality, that is when love begins. If you really love someone, you stay with them even when things aren't as you would choose. When I was in your shoes, I began to pray for my husband and do little nice things for him. If I judged our relationship on how many TV shows we watched together, we just wouldn't be together. I hate what he watches and he isn't all that interested in my taste either. We do enjoy going out to eat and visiting about family. Pray, and I will hold you in my prayers also.

dear i feel your pain, and i can see you are honestly trying to fix things. but in the same line, you say that you don't want to be selfish or just think about you, then you say that 95% of what is going on is bc of your downfalls. think about that. you have not given him any chance to help your marriage. have you even talked to him about any of this. it really sounds like you are shutting him out and i know you really want to be happy, but it seems to me like you are doing everything you can to cut him out of your experience. LET HIM COME TO COUNCELLING. you're putting 100% of this on YOU, not only blame, but to fix. it just doesn't happen. if he had any idea of all of this i bet he would make an effort to fix this WITH you. you need to spend time alone together, in councelling and also doing FUN stuff, and re-capture WHY you got married in the first place. dear i could have this all wrong but to me it sounds like you are just deliberately shutting him out. martyr syndrome...no faith in him and his abilities to help you....whatever the case may be....but NO marriage will ever be fixed by one person alone.

I agree with all of these posts summed up. Obviously, depression seems to be a component. But I have also heard the advice from a woman married 50+ years that Love is a decision. The emotions fade (as Rachel said there IS scientific evidence which I too have seen a documentary on.) Infatuation ends and if there is no chaos in the relationship meaning no emotion of anger, resentment and frustration, then it may feel like there are no feelings at all.
I also believe that people fall in and out of love and like a couple of other people said, you HOPE it doesn't happen to you both at the same time.
I think the first thing you need to do is STOP beating yourself up for these feelings and understand they are a normal part of marriage. Marriage is a full time friggin job honey! You have to WORK hard, be patient and put a lot of effort into nurturing it like a plant. Wouldn't it be great if it all just came naturally and love just grew? But unfortunately it doesn't work that way in real life, that's only in the movies!
Continue working out whatever is going on inside of you. Hang out with other women and hear all of the horror stories of their marriages and it may just make you feel a whole lot more appreciative for what you have!! LOL Besides the depression and normal boredom marriage brings, I think you're just starving for emotion, especially if he's emotionally unavailable (a VERY common trait amongst men). There are a lot of great examples posted here on ways to bring the spice back into your relationship. Reignite your friendship. Brainstorm ways to spike emotions and engage in those activities. And always remember....there's a reason marriage vows are "THROUGH GOOD TIMES AND BAD"!

What did you need him for that he wasn't there for?

Look I've only been married for just under 6 years so I am certainly no expert, but it sounds like to me you just need to find each other again. You know there are ups and downs and it seems you're in a down. I agree that you shouldn't have to feel this way, but you need to try harder to change it. If your husband is willing to go to couseling, he should go with you. What do you still have to figure out?? Maybe him going with you will help you figure out those issues. Besides, just b/c he goes with you doesn't mean that you still can't or shouldn't go on your own to couseling too. I get that you're unhappy and no body wants that for themselves or their children and I am absoloutely no advocate of staying married "for the kids" but it just seems that maybe you can fix your marriage and if you can, I believe you should. Take him to counseling with you and refind that love that was once there. It will feel different this go around and that's okay. Love, like marriage, changes and evolves and you need to roll with it. I hope it works out for you.

I love what Dr. Phil says about this. He says that it's rare for couples to be "in love" at the same time. Sometimes it's my hubby, sometimes it's me. We always love each other, but the "in love" feelings come and go. My best bet is that you guys don't spend a lot of quality time together or do anything but watch tv and the like. This is why I LOVE the weekends. Even if we can't go out, we like to drink together on the weekends and play darts or just talk. It's not always perfect, but we've been together for 9 years and married for 6 and we are still going strong. :) Be the one to step up and try. It can't hurt.

1) It sounds like you have shut-down, emotionally.... after all this time... and after all the times you said your Husband 'failed' you as a Husband and was not there for you.

2) Once a person shuts-down... they shut down. It is hard... to open up again... for normal human emotions. Unless, they have 'healed' and had closure.

3) Your depression... still exists. You must take care of that, thereby taking care of you... and even the wisest person... will not just pray on it, but use common sense and wisdom combined.. .to realize that neglecting needed medication, is neglecting your health.

4) you need to know and 'understand' yourself.... otherwise, your Husband will never ever... be the guy for you. No one will. Until you know yourself... so, it is good.. you are wanting to go to Counseling... to make yourself right, as you call it.
But realize, your Husband or the situation cannot improve, unless you KNOW what is bothering you and what is causing it.... and if you can't say specifically, what your Husband lacks... then, he has no idea what to do either. To improve.

I really don't know, but your honesty in describing this to us here... is great. You are trying to figure this out, and that is good. That is a start.

all the best,
Susan

Keno,

I am not saying that prayer will not help you, but I am going to suggest to your that prayer also brought you here for advice, and you should give every thing a try that comes your way, instead of being passive; sometimes our answer from God is to act.

It sounds like depression is really your issue. Find a new psychiatrist and try a different treatment plan. One antidepressant for a year that did not work for you does not sound like you got proper treatment, and you should look for better care. There are many options avalaible to you, and therapy is probably essential to you also. If you have a treatment resistant depression, there are other options too, so find a better psychiatrist and a really good therapist.

This problem will not go away if you divorce your husband. It is going to follow you around, even if you find a new love, and you will be in the same spot again. Speak to your psychiatrist about your sexual issues, antidepressants have a double whammy, and can reduce your sex drive, which may explain what happend to your marriage as you grew appart and became less intamate, even though you were seeking treatment for what was making you feel bad. There are options for this issue too, and it should be an important consideration for your treatment plan.

Untreated depression only gets worse. Seek help, and keep your prayres focused on all the things that you can do to help feel better.

M.

I haven't read the other replies so I'm sorry if I am repeating what someone else may have already said. What I felt when I read your post was that maybe you don't know what to do if there is no drama in your relationship. You said you would only leave your husband if he hit you or cheated. He hasn't done that and sometimes we are so used to being in high drama situations that we don't know what to do when we actually have peace. Having peace means that you have time on your hands to reflect on yourself and your own flaws and that can be difficult to face. When we're busy all the time or in high drama situations we are only focused on the external things that are going on around us. When it's quiet we have time to reflect upon ourselves and that can be scary. No one is perfect so I'm sure your husband has his flaws but in the bigger picture from what you've said, it sounds like you have a pretty good thing going on. I really hope that you and your husband can come back together and move forward in your marriage and that you can resolve your own personal issues as well. I wish you the best.

I only read a few of the previous responses so I hope I'm not repeating what everyone else has told you. I apologize if I do.

First of all, I have been with my hubby for 14 years, married for 11 and he was in the military for 10 of those years. We've had times were we both felt like you're describing. The first time he was deployed he was gone for 8 months and we had only been married for a little over a year. He was gone for so long that I got used to not having him around and I was for sure we were on our way to divorce. It wasn't that I hated him, I just didn't know him anymore. (This was before the internet made it easy to stay connected.) We both stuck it out and worked on finding each other again. We've gone through similar situations off and on over the years (my hubby struggles with depression and meds also) but we are still together today and probably happier than we were at the start of our marriage.

I think too many people give up too quickly. My grandparents were married for over 50 years. My Grandmother has told me that some years were pretty hard but divorce was never an option back then so they had to make it work. I live by the same rule, divorce isn't a choice! If you live your life so its no longer an option, its going to force you to work harder on your marriage instead of focusing so much on wanting a divorce.

One last thing, have you ever heard the sayings "Love is a verb not a noun" and "Fake it until you make it." You have to work at loving someone and it doesn't always come easily. Until it does, sometimes you have to fake it.

Hi Keno,
I have been married for about 13 years and have O. child.
Let me tell you--I bet you that almost all wives look at their husbands on some days and think "what the heck was I thinking????!!!" They drive you crazy! I know mine does sometimes. But when I look at the overall picture, I love my hubby for qualities that seem rare in the present day. He's an awesome and involved dad, he's an excellent provider, he love us so much that he'd do anything for me or our son. Is it fireworks and fairies every day and night? No. Are we compatible? Yes.
You have 4 children (2 together, and 2 that love him as their stepfather), I think you need to ask yourself some questions before doing anything rash:
1. Could you need a different antidepressant?
2. Is this really the right time to stop antidepressants? You can "pray up" as much as you want but when there is a medical issue--it needs to be addressed! You can't pray away diabetes, cancer or high blood pressure and I don't think you can pray away depression. And to me, it sounds like you're depressed. You might need a different med, doctor, therapist or psychiatrist, but I doubt that it's time to stop medication.
3. You don't elaborate on the "failing" situation for more than a sentence, but my first thought was "OMG, a man, by himself, had to take care of 3 kids for 'a couple' of weeks??!!" Was this just a divide and conquer issue? You do this and I'll take care of that? Did you talk on the phone daily? Seriously, my hubby do the divide and conquer all of the time. He doesn't need to be glued to me. I'd rather know things are being taken care of and it only requires a short check-in call each day.
4. Remind yourself of why you fell in love with him. Every day.
5. Are you bored? are your kids out of the house at school? Do something! Get a PT job. Volunteer. Make a difference. The best way to appreciate what you HAVE is to see what others DON'T have.
6. Single life might sound good, but I think your out of touch with the reality of raising 4 kids by yourself. And I believe you owe it to your children to try your hardest to make this work. For everyone involved: you, him, them.
So really, I wouldn't do anything in a rush. What's the hurry? Get your hubby to counseling with you asap--you're not even giving him a chance! Let him at least try. You're shutting him out of the solution. Good luck.

To preface, being a Christian who doesn't like the idea of divorce, that's where my thoughts are coming from (it's not that I'm against divorce, it's just not the path that I prefer when there's no cheating/beating).

My husband and I went through a very similar path about 3 years ago. I was feeling like he wasn't there for me, I wasn't happy, we weren't talking, or doing anything together, etc (most of what you said). We'd been together at that point for 11 year, 7 of which were marriage. On Mother's Day, I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted, but that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Not the nicest thing, I know.

So, we sought marriage counseling. The biggest thing I took away from it is that there was a reason we fell in love in the first place. And for those times that I didn't feel like he was there for me, wasn't giving me emotionally what I needed, etc, was I expecting him to read my mind as for what I needed? And then being disappointed when he didn't "get it"? Or was I telling him exactly what I needed when I needed it (rather than after the fact)? Turns out, I wasn't telling what I needed and then getting mad that he didn't just KNOW. I was holding something against him and letting it eat me up inside without ever expressing it to him, or expressing it too late. That wasn't fair to either one of us. We had to learn to express our needs and wants to each other in a safe atmosphere (which is what counseling together gave us). You mentioned that there are some things you need to figure out for yourself, but since you are in a partnership, can you let him in to your soul to help? That would bring some ultimate closeness that perhaps can lead you back to love.

Then came the even harder part. We had to actually do things together. The little things. Give a hug (even though it hurts). Because if you want to be hugged, each of you has to succumb to being the first. Our counselor told us to think of it like a bank account. Right now, it sounds like your bank account is overdrawn. But that doesn't mean it has to stay that way! As you make the little deposits (a touch on the small of the back, an unexpected shoulder rub, a kiss on the cheek, a hug), you're making it easier to do the next time and the next time and once you've got a balance in the account, there is a better chance that the feelings and emotions that got you married can feel safe to rejoin the party. Unfortunately, you cannot EXPECT anything in return, though. You do it to do it. You do it because you being a wife to your husband is part of God's expectations within a marriage. Then let Him do the work in your husband! God can work marvelous things--may not be the way you expect, though.

Oh, and I still work daily on our relationship, but there have been improvements and we are still together. I pray daily for strength in dealing with whatever comes. Also, I pray for my husband much like I pray for my kids...that God would protect him and hold him in His arms...not that change would happen, since it's not up to me! (The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartien is a powerful [and painful] book to read)

I will keep you in my prayers that you'll be able to find your way.

Maybe try reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know some women have attitude about Dr. Laura and are convinced that she is the devil incarnate, but her advice has helped millions of women sort out issues almost just like yours. It helped my hubby and I reaffirm our marriage and I re-read it every so often just to brush back up. It's worth reading.

Couples counseling is a good idea too. Don't shut him out if he wants to go to work on your issues with you. I think that's really nice that he's being proactive and is willing to go. Accept his support and allow him to love you enough to work on the marriage. Brick walling him from counseling actually sounds a little selfish, no offense intended. I just noticed that you are doing a lot of talking about me me me me me, my own issues to work out etc... You are husband and wife, any issues affecting the marriage belong to both of you and you need to be working together to sort it out.

Also, it seems like you might be experiencing some depression of some sort. Talk to your doctor about it. Loss of interest is one of the warning signs of depression. If you can find a med that works well for you, you may be surprised at how much better you feel.

Finally I would like to say that I have felt his way on occasion. What I did to help was I "forced" myself to respond lovingly to him, to spend time with him, to treat him with the passion I couldn't yet feel again, to joke with him and laugh with him etc.. and miracle of miracles, after a while I wasn't forcing myself any more. It was all back! I am now convinced that if you put your mind to it, you can influence any part of your own being with positive thoughts and energy.

Good luck to you and yours.

_____________________________________________________

You've extended your post since I wrote this and with the new information the only thing I can really say about how your husband "failed" you is that to me it doesn't seem like he did fail you. Please don't take offense at any of this, but I think it's time for a little tough love.

When I was in the hospital recovering from major back surgery, my husband only visited me once. But I understand that. He was taking care of the kids, something I know to be a full-time job because usually it's MY job. He was very busy and at something he wasn't terribly experienced at doing. It was overwhelming for him. I couldn't be mad at him because he didn't feel like he could handle the kids in the hospital by himself. That's very understandable and I wouldn't ask him to come in there and visit every day (the hospital is over an hour away from our house) if he wasn't comfortable with his ability to keep the kids in controll in that environment. (I know it can be done, but he doesn't feel it the way I do, he's not as confident with them.)

So that being said, you mention that you have a total of four children. Where were the other three when you were in the hospital with your daughter? Was he caring for them? If he was then you are being very unfair to him. The daughter that was in the hospital, you said she's his step-daughter. Maybe he felt uncomfortable with visiting too much because maybe he felt like he didn't want to step on bio-dad's toes. Maybe he assumed that her own dad would want to be there as much as possible and he didn't want to cause any friction at such a time. Have you truly asked him why he didn't visit more often and did you really, actively listen to his response? And by visit, what do you mean? Was he bringing you fresh clothes, shampoo, soap etc.. and then leaving and you expected him to stay and comfort you? I can understand a need for comfort, but if he had the other children to look after then you can't expect him to sit around holding your hand. This is why God made women so strong. We can deal with these things without our husbands if we have to and if you have other children that need care then you have to. That's all there is to it. It's not his fault, it's not anyone's fault. It's life. That's the way things go. I also wonder if you tried to communicate to him that you wanted him to visit more often. Quite often, us women expect men to read our minds, divine our intentions or just to KNOW from their gut how things "should" go and what we are failing to realize is that men don't work that way. They're like computers, you have to put in the right information if you want the right outcome. You have to speak to him, explicity and kindly, about what you want and expect. The best thing you can do when communicating with a man is to tell him that you need him and to let him know that you know you can rely on him. Then tell him exactly what you would like. Be prepared to accept whatever the answer is and to give him the same understanding that you expect him to give you.

You also talk about other people in your life failing you when you need them. Is this an ongoing pattern? Are you sure that it's not that you have too high expectations that NO ONE can meet? I'm not saying that's the case, because I don't really know you, but ask yourself if it's possible. If that's not the case and people truly have failed you, then ask yourself if it's fair to project their failings onto your husband who sounds pretty innocent. Would you like to be blamed for things that ex-girlfriends or wives did to your husband? Would that be fair to you? Please don't take things out on your husband that are not his fault.

Every person is a unique individual and they all deserve to rise or fall by THEIR OWN actions, without being judged against a measuring stick of past hurts that had nothing to do with them.

I truly hope that you find the resolution to your problems that you are seeking. Best wishes to you and God bless.

As I was reading this all I could think was Depression...and then I got to the end and found that indeed you have been depressed for over a year. Medication can be intimidating and it is always a hard thing to accept that we need help but it sounds like you desperately need to see a physician and get the RIGHT depression medicine for your body! Just something to think about...divorcing your husband is not going to solve the real problem here. It may provide some relief in the short term because you are not worrying about pleasing him but the depression will still be there and it will come back full force once you are on your own with 4 kids and no one to help support you. Faith is a wonderful thing but I think you need to do more than pray on this...you need to try to solve this with God's help and the help of doctors and loved ones. You can't do this alone! Best wishes!

Besides possible depression problems anyway, it sounds like you are experiencing the 'honeymoon is over' syndrome. Oops don't know of another way to put it. He is so nice is quite possibly boring. And he might not have been that interesting in the first place but I think we have a tendency to create another person out of our minds and put it onto them because that's what we want and need at the time. Then reality hits. We wake up and there is the one we married-forever. The mattress lump is permanent so to speak. And it makes the bed hard to make.And there is an adrenaline rush, a high so to speak when we first meet someone that doesn't last years and years. AND WE WANT THAT FEELING AGAIN.
I am not saying you will get it again, but there is someone you need to fall in love with first. Put him aside for a year or so in intensity in your head. Make you the most important person. Find yourself a life. Take bubble baths, go to classes, jumprope and roll in the grass. And tell him you guys are married, living together and there was love so there probably still is but right now you are meeting someone new and that is you. And I always advise this: go look at other men. NAH DON'T TOUCH. LOOK I SAY AND THEN see them for what they really are. They are probably nothing compared to hubby. They get beer guts, and bad breath and their hair falls out. And someone is madly in love with that. Look at the guy mowing the lawn across the street, his wife is probably resenting that he is out doing that the third time this week when she wants to make out with him. You will see a guy in the grocery store. Is there because he was so nice? No forgot to pick up something two days ago. You see no one lives perfectly and no human is perfect. And the first start is to just say I am about to fall in love with my life again. And do it. Sounds like Mr. nice is nice enough to wait. And keep writing us. You may have more depression than anything and that is sooo treatable. GROUP HUG MOMS OK??

Updated

group hugs moms?

It's a 7 year itch.

I know because I could have written your post almost word for word.

We are in counselling together. It's...okay. I've also taken several steps for myself. I've started taking "days off" where I just go off by myself for a few hours on a weekend (who am I kidding, I'm usually hope my naptime on my "day off"). I'm also planning on going back to school in the Winter. And I've been hitting the gym at least 3 times a week.

I figure if I'm not happy with myself then there's no way I'm going to be happy with anyone else.

I don't know if this will help, but really think hard about what your life would be without him. Would it be better? Be realistic.

Take him to counseling with you (no need for you to give it up alone either though) if he's willing to go. Chances are, his outlook isn't as rosy as you may be thinking it is.

Good luck!

I agree with the other posters, you are depressed. Please, get a name of a good Physicist. Sometimes, you need to find the right dose of meds for you. Keep on going to the counselor, if you are making progress, if not seek out another one. They are not all the same, nor are all the methods they use are. Shiela Walsh, Christian speaker, singer, writer, etc. wrote a book out when she had a nervous break down. You might want to read it.

Take care
J.

Please do try a new medication for depression. It sounds like you are experiencing the symptoms, possibly in part because of the difficulties in your relationship, or perhaps depression is making a mediocre marriage look worse than it is.

Read this article about the stages of relationships:
http://www.relationshipjourney.com/stagesofrelationships....

It explains how the second stage of marriage for most people is called "Disillusionment". Stage I makes people intoxicated on "love hormones". Here's a line from the article: "What we now know through research is that not only is your heart full of love, but your brain is flooded with feel-good neurochemicals like dopamine and PEA (phenylethalymine)."

Here's some of what it says about Stage II:
"One reason for the let-down feeling is that PEA (phenylethalymine) production begins to decline. And because we see the other person as the source of our good feelings, we blame them when we don’t feel as good! Little distresses start getting dropped into the space between and the climate begins to shift, leading to a sense of disconnection. And of course, we think it is their fault!

In this 2nd stage, you might start feeling anxious or disappointed. Things that you once liked about your partner have become sources of frustration and hurt feelings. You may ask yourself, 'What has happened to him/her/us?' Some people experience a sense of betrayal or loss. What have you lost? PEA bliss!!!"

Stage III is Knowledge and Awareness:
"This is the stage in which you not only recognize that your relationship can be more than it is, but also that you have the power to make real changes. You choose to become conscious and intentional, and begin a whole new chapter in co-creating the relationship you both dreamed of."

I'm hoping that you and your husband find your way into Stage III soon.

remember back to when you first fell in love - why did you fall in love? what about him was so amazing that you kept dating him, wanted to be with him and said YES when he asked you to marry him? Make a list of everything he does that you do like.

Now, find a way to get back to that feeling. Find the positive. DATE him again. Make time to be a couple and be in love. Buy some sexy something and surprise him.

Continue to pray; go to counceling by yourself and go to counceling with your husband, both are very beneficial even during the same time frame; get the book "The Love Dare" which was used with the characters in the movie "Fireproof." This is not going to change overnight so be prepared to continue to improve the relationship over the rest of your life and the small improvements that you receive now will benefit you, your marriage and your children. Hugs to you during this difficult time.

I recommend a weekend marriage retreat. Retrouvaille is a great retreat for troubled marriages. Family life has a Weekend to Remember retreat that is also very good. The other thing to always keep in mind is that men think differently than women. We need to ask them when we need something. They can't figure it out on their own - even though we could.

Another idea is a personal retreat. Figure out why you are not happy. Is it your husband or is it something inside of you. I recently read "A Year by the Beach" by Joan Anderson (and the three other books she wrote) and that was very interesting. As women we tend to put others first and ourselves last and it really ends up hurting us in the end. Definately worth reading.

Good luck and keep praying.

Sounds like the 7-year-itch. It's normal. Try the counseling thing and put some effort into reconnecting. Be sure to touch each other and kiss as often as possible. And I don't mean lewd sexual touching/kissing. Just holding hands while you watch TV and giving him a kiss when he leaves the house type of stuff. This can help bring back some of that spark.

From what you have posted, it does sound like you should have been diagnosed with clinical depression/anxiety. It's physical and needs to be treated. When you daughter ended up in the hospital, your anxiety disorder went into high drive and started the obsessive thinking about how unhappy you were about your relationship -you projected. Your husband sounds like a good enough guy. We can't be fuzzy head over heels in love forever. My granny always said - "when passion flies out the window, a man wants a friend and a wife and a wife wants friend and a husband." Continue with your faith based counseling. God would not have led you to this man, if it wasn't meant for you to be with him. Please, take my advice as a single mom and as someone who has been on and off the medication wagon - go back to your psyc and talk about something more focused on anti anxiety.
Be blessed.

I haven't read what others have had to say (and I know that the mama's here are the best), but just reading your letter I felt so sad. I realized that it was because you sound so sad. It sounds like you are depressed. Whether it is situational or a chemical imbalance, the lack of happiness is something we always want to find an answer for. In this case, you have no feelings for your husband. It may or may not be as you are seeing it now. Change counselors. If you have been seeing a counselor and you are still feeling this way, your current counselor may not be a good fit. Believe it or not, lack of enjoyment in the things we used to take pleasure in is one major sign of depression. Relationships are included in "things we used to take pleasure in". I am a dedicated Christian so please do not think I am dissing your counselor because he/she is Christian. God Bless.

sounds to me like first you need to give it time for your brain to go where it may have once been. Those prescriptions can do a number on you. I would keep seeing a counselor, maybe try a different one if this one isnt working out. Heal yourself first then try to mend your relationship. There may still be something there or not, but since you are asking then i believe there is still hope! Good luck

Have your husband go to counseling separate from you since you don't want him there yet. Also both of you need to read a book called Mars & Venus In Touch, it's .75 on the internet & a small book. You both value your marriage & want to take the appropriate steps to fix things so please read the book. Sounds like your husband is stuck in his cave & perhaps you need to find some meds for your depression/anxiety. Maybe you are angry with him for his non-support & you have abandonment issues so when you have to go about major stuff alone your abandonment issues come out full force. Something I learned about my husband is that when he tells me "the house looks nice" or "thanks for taking good care of me & the kids" that that is his love language that he is seeking from me. Him saying these things to me are nice but it doesn't make me feel special. I am looking for a little more one on one with him but he is looking for me to tell him what a good job he's doing or what a good provider he is. My husband has learned that if he gives me a little of his time & attention that I will be the happiest wife/person/mother then I want to feed into his love language more then in turn he will feed into my love language more.

Well I hope I have helped you because your post is so sad & we ALL have been there, there is no perfect marriage. PM me if you would like a good counselors name. Best wishes

Start dating each other. Get to know each other again.
Also, praying can help you with your problems but if you need to be on medicine for depression, get back on it if you're still depressed. I don't understand the stigma with needing to take medicine for mental illness. There may be a time when you don't need it because you're not depressed. That is when you stop taking it. God can cure any illness I truely believe that so continue to pray. Pray with your husband.
What religion are you? Do you practice? Start practicing if you don't currently. It's good for your whole family. Attend a retreat together - Light of the World Retreat is a good one I hear - it's Catholic. There are a ton out there though regardless of your religion.
I encourage you to work on your relationship. Not just for your kids but for you. I am so blessed to have a great marriage. There is not a person in the world I'd rather spend time with than him. When the kids are grown, we will still have each other. We really like each other and have fun together.
Sounds like you definitely have some unresolved issues from your last marriage since you went into this one saying the only way you'd leave is if he cheated or beat you. Did you marry him just because he was a good guy? Regardless, sounds like he still is a good guy so I go back to my original thought. Start dating him again and try to fall back in love with him and reconsider going back on the meds to get those chemicals balanced. Try something new or maybe just try something that you don't have to take daily if you don't need it like Xanax - something to just take the edge off if you're feeling down.
Right now, he's actually the one who's probably staying for the kids even though you think you're holding all the cards. He's a really good guy if he sticks through this!!!!