Trouble Blending Families

I was just about to ask you to put in a lot more detail about what the problems are that you are facing - the particulars of the relationship, the ages of kids, etc.

Then I read below to see that Margie answered what must have been a very involved question (with extremely helpful details) and then I read Heidi's response, indicating that you had changed it to this very vague question that now stands.

I don't see how I can be helpful without knowing the situation. I'm a stepmother and know a bit about blending families. But I'm confused about why you would take out all the essential information. So I'm not going to answer for now.

If you want to put info back into your question, I'll check back in a while and see if there's anything I can comment on. If you do that, by the way, you will have to go back and check all our answers for added info. You won't get an alert from Mamapedia that an answer has been changed, and the website won't let a person answer a 2nd time in a fresh answer.

Otherwise, I doubt you're going to get anything at all of value here, not with a vague question like that. Sorry. We are a helpful group but you have to want the help.

You don't mention how long you and your boyfriend have been together. If your daughter is only two, and he has a two year old, it sounds like this is all very recent. You also don't mention why your last relationships fell apart.

My personal feeling is to not move in together quickly - because it's very hard on kids and relationships. It usually always causes more problems than it's worth and really complicates/adds unnecessary tension to relationships - you need to work out all the dynamics before adding to the complication of blending families. However, it sounds like you jumped right in (sorry, just the way it sounds).

I also don't like how you said he's the best thing/gift to you and your child. No - you are. You're this fantastic woman and mother. You're the best gift to your child.

Your boyfriend is not going to treat your daughter this same as his kids - period. Why would he? They are his children. I have never known anyone to treat their step kids - no matter how much they care about them - exactly the same as their own biological children. So I would lower your expectations. Expectations ruin relationships and cause so much heartache. Also, it's not fair to your daughter. You will set her up for future disappointment also if that's what you expect.

The hitting and biting - of course he's going to have concerns and speak out. If he's being unreasonable - then, that's a different matter. He needs to be patient and work with you, but you as her parent, need to nip that in the bud, but it is difficult and he needs to understand that and back you up. You parent your child - he parents his.

If you're not ready for this - then maybe look at different living arrangements for now. This is the not so easy part of blending families. It's very stressful - I haven't done it but family members have, and my friends have. Certainly lots of moms on here have. They can better advise you.

I would focus on yourself and your child and not how he's dealing with what you are doing or how he treats your child. That would be my suggestion. The biting/hitting is a phase and she will outgrow it - you just have to be consistent and firm and reward positive behavior. Good luck :)

Going too quickly can be a big part of the problem.
You take time to get to know one another (the adults) and then take time for the adults to get to know the kids involved - and then the kids get to know one another.
After several years - you both have stable jobs, kids are doing well in school, etc - then you talk engagement, set a wedding date, and then move in together after the honeymoon.
Rushing things, moving in together after only a few months, not putting the needs of the kids first makes for a lot troubles.

Did this question get changed? I am confused at the response for this question that I see.
What was the original ? This is what is showing now:

How do you deal with the troubles of blending a family?

I wish the board did not let people change their question but maybe turn off responses.