Tremendous Guilt over Living in an Apartment Complex

Don't stress and don't feel guilt! My first thought was think of the millions of children all over the world who play in squalid conditions like trash heaps, barrios, favelas. You're safe and blessed!

As parents we all should do the best we can or the best we know how. You are doing the best you can right now and should NOT feel guilty or stress over it. There are a great many kids living happily and healthily in apartments. give him lots of love and dont worry.

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As parents we all should do the best we can or the best we know how. You are doing the best you can right now and should NOT feel guilty or stress over it. There are a great many kids living happily and healthily in apartments. give him lots of love and dont worry.

Lots of kids grow up in apartments thats why there are parks malls ect get out there. If you live in city there are no backyards go to musemns play groups jambore ymca get over the guilty no reason for it

We lived in a crackerbox apt until my son was almost 7. It felt like my life was "getting out of the apt". Parks, bookstores, cafes, you name it... we were there. You know what? When we moved into our house with a giant back yard... my son was SO thrilled... for about a week. Then he wanted to go to the park.

You are being WAY too hard on yourself. Does the apartment complex have green space at all? Just playing on a bit of green is fine. It's the time, not the slide that's important. I have a house but a small yard and I feel bad that my yard isn't big enough to play in. But we take walks, etc. Go to the park whenever. Get rid of the guilt cause it's ruining the time you're spending with him. He really doesn't care. He just loves you and wants to spend time with you. :) Hugs!

Would you rather go to work all day and never see your son so that you can give him a yard? Our family also lives in an apartment for the same reasons, I work as an apartment manager so I am home with my daughter which is really good for her and it outweighs our not having a yard. ( my daughter is also 2) Yes, I feel sad and wish that I could do both ( be home and have a house with a yard) but until she is older I do not want to leave her in daycare so this is our choice. It sounds like you made the same choice, don't feel guilty for wanting to raise your own child. :)

I read your post and I thought I could make you feel better ;-). City people like me (BIG city) grew up in apartments and got to play outdoors in parks and playgrounds IF the weather conceded and IF parents had time to take us. That means that in Winter time I almost never played outside and in Spring/Summer/Fall I would get to play either in the schoolyard about an hour a day or at the park on most weekends. I tell you, that did not damage me in any way!!! It's about what the boy is used to, that's all, and if you find him friends they can do wonderful things at home too, so don't feel horribly, ok? He's going to be fine, there are worse things in life.

We have a nice backyard with a playset and my kids ALWAYS preferred to go to the park. I'm sure there are great parks in your town, or school yards when school isn't in session.

Don't feel guilty! You're a stay at home mom who spends great quality time with your child every day! That's way more important than a back yard!

I sooooo completely agree with the other posters: you are giving your son a gift that can never compete with a backyard- time with you as a SAHM.

Go easy on yourself. As long as he has a "home", be it an apartment, or a house, as long as he is with you, it is the best place for him to be!

Can we back up a minute? I'm getting a little tired of the "deserving" business. That isn't your fault, of course! It's just that we're overusing the phrase. (End of rant; back to the question.)

It could be that most of the children in the world do not have back yards. Some of them have to play in streets, I know. But many parents are able to take their children to nearby parks. That's what parks are for!

A loving home in an apartment building beats all hollow a great back yard without a mother's love and attention. Play inside with your son, take him to the park (or other people's back yards) when you can, and teach him to enjoy himself wherever he is!

hugs, mommy - now take a deep breath and remind yourself that your son "deserves" a mom who loves him, and *you* fit the bill whether you have a backyard for him to play in or not!

We'll never have all the *things* we think our children should have - but what we *can* do is to learn to make the most of what we DO have. IMO a parent who shows her child ways to play and learn in situations that aren't exactly what they had hoped will be imparting a valuable lesson.

So please start telling yourself that a caring mother (you :-)) is a MUCH bigger influence on your child's overall health and well-being than a backyard to run around in. Start looking around at the things that you *can* do with your child - reading stories to him, pretend play, library story times, etc. try to tune out the various messages in advertisements and magazines that seem to imply that your child *has* to have some particular "thing" to be happy and well-adjusted. Perhaps when the guilt feelings start coming, you could try turning it around by saying something like "Even though I haven't given my child a back yard to play in, today we're going to play [fill in the blank: build a cardboard box fort, go for a walk, go to the library, build a stacking-block tower, etc.] and have fun with that". I dearly hope you can start turning that guilt around, because that'll free up more energy to enjoy your time with your son.

You know I deal with a little of that guilt as well.. I have this urge to give my daughters a house where they can run outside in the yard and all of that as well. I got to the point where I was getting really upset and then just a couple of days ago I had a revelation.

I went to drop my girls off at their preschool/ daycare for their couple of hours they go there. The weather was nasty outside, cold and slightly snowing. There was a slight dusting of snow on the ground and I saw my girls footsteps going from the house out and it made me smile. Then I opened the door and I felt the warmth hit my face after being out in the cold. took off my shoes and hung up my coat on the coat rack and looked up and finally realized, that I am TRULY grateful for a warm apartment that I call HOME. A safe place for my girls to grow up, to play and us all to love one each other. No matter how cramped this small 2 bedroom apartment is, it is a wonderful place for us. It may not have all the amenities that I would wish we would have or that I had as a kid, but that doesn't matter. There are so many out in the world that don't have any where near luxuries we have. Now I'm not saying this to make you feel silly for the way that you feel. More that I truly just had this revelation myself. We spend so much time worrying about what we don't have, and no where near enough time being thankful for what we do have.

That you worry about your son, shows that you are a very caring mother and that is way more important than any backyard. I guarantee you that he is extremely grateful for what he has in you. Be proud of what you are doing for him.

You are doing a great job. It doesn't matter where you live; just as long as there is a roof over head. We raised our first child in an apartment until she was 5 then decided it was time to get a house. It's not all it's cracked up to be; we built a house but the neighborhood people were not nice so we sold our house and moved. Now we just rent houses. Let me tell you; this house we are in is okay; it has lots of space almost 4,000sqft inside but the back yard is soooooooo small it's like less than a one car garage. Every day I take our youngest to the park, library, litte gym, etc. any thing to get her out of the house to stretch her legs to feel the fresh air.
You give your child your love, time, nourishment...etc. So don't feel guilty; you are an awesome mom!

We have a big backyard and don't get to use it often. it's nice when we do, but we really stay so busy that we aren't home enough to get a lot of use out of it. Do not feel bad. You are providing for your baby, and being the best mom that you can be. You will have a backyard for him one day, and he will not ever resent you for it. He will be thankful you gave up the backyard to stay home with him :).

Just because someone lives in a house with a backyard doesn't mean they are out playing in the backyard. All you need to do is be the best mom you can be and that means loving, providing, nurturing and teaching your son. When he grows up he will not focus on not having a backyard as he will focus on how his mom raised him. So keep your chin up and take him to the park when you can. But the most important part is be a parent of quality, material possessions don't end up meaning anything in the end.

My son has a big yard but he still wants to go other places and doesn't want to be in the yard all the time. In fact, there were some beautiful days that he didn't even want to go in the yard and I did, lol. There are plenty of places to take your son and he has you there all the time which is more important.

I know you already updated your wha happened but I just wanted to share with you a similar feeling I had when my daughter was 3. I was a single Mom working part-time living in a one bedroom apt. My sister has a 5 bdrm house with a huge yard. All my daughter's friends parents have large homes. One day my daughter asked me why we couldn't live in a big house too like her cousins and friends. I told her I could work a lot more and buy us a house with a backyard OR I could be home more and we could keep our cozy one bedroom. She said "Oh no no no! I want you to stay home. I don't want a big house then!" After that she never took our one bedroom apartment for granted and we were just as happy as everyone else =-)

I'm happy to know you feel better!

Just get over it and stop feeling guilty! We live in a house and have a 1/3 acre lot -- where do we go to play -- the Park! There are about 5 different parks around us, each with different equipment on them that my kids would rather play with than hang in our yard (which is nice but has no slides/equipment as we do not plan to stay there permanently and it is not fenced so I do not want liability for others using anything we would put up). My kids are almost 3.5 and just turned 2. Your son doesn't know any differently -- just take him to the park and relax!

I agree 100% with Mary L. in that children should learn to have fun wherever they are. Also, not everyone grew up with a yard (I sure didn't) in which case.. take him to the park.. I played MANY a hours at the park and LOVED it. I don't feel any less of a person because of it... in fact, it taught me how to appreciate the outdoors... I think what's more important to count one's blessing (such as a roof over one's head) than to consider such things as not having a yard. I am not saying don't have goals and dreams of a bigger place.. but do pay attention to what you already have and teach your son that it's love that makes a house a home and not vice versa.
Also, you are blessed to be a stay at home mom... surely.. the wins over than not having a yard...
lastly.. why not make friends with those of those kid's moms who have a yard and perhaps you can set up a play date...

Dear D., Many children have grown up happy and healthy in an apartment! Years ago my circumstances caused me to move from a house with a backyard to a small apartment. My 3 children were thrilled about the fire escape and the fact that they had friends down the hall to play with on a rainy day! If it is in your future to have a backyard so be it but in the meantime make the best of what you have. Grandma Mary

I understand where you are coming from, but here is the funny thing: we chose to rent a house rather than an apartment so that we would have a yard for the kids, and they NEVER want to play in the yard! I think it is too isolated for them. They would much rather go to the park or go to a friend's house, anywhere where they might be able to be with other kids. Just do your best to set up play dates or park dates for your kid. I try to go 1-2 times a week. We go less now that the kids are in school because they have recess and friends there. One thing that might help is buying a slide or small playset for inside the house. We bought a great one from Toys R Us last year and we just keep it indoors in the winter. It folds up and is a good solution for my little 3 year old. They also make bunk beds with a ladder and slide connected which could be another good makeshift solution.

I also never lived in the "big house with a big backyard." My children both grew up to be lovely young women. They had a mom that loved them and read to them and enough food. Other things do not matter. Relax and enjoy your son. Take him to the library and parks, talk to him and focus on all of the blessings you have. Both of you will be just fine without a yard.

My daughter struggles with the same guilt. We live in a urban area with no yard (small patio in back). What I have continued to 'try' and assure her is that children will feel at home and be happy if the grown ups feel at home. There are of course big advantages to having a yard BUT kids that grow up in apartment complexes that are family oriented have lots of other children to play with. Taking to the park is a great thing to do and children love going. We are lucky as there is a great library close enough to walk to. We also take my granddaughters out to the country regularly. Children will love home when the caregivers make it a home. Having mom home with them means more to them than a yard. We chose to live where we are so that mom can stay home with the girls while they are young ( 2 1/2 & 18 months). YOU are much more important than having a yard! Please always remind yourself that when those mommy guilt feelings creep up on you. We all end up having guilt over things with our children (at least the moms who being a good mom is important). As long as you always do your best in being a mom your kids will always have enough in the long run. As you son gets a little older look into community activities such as community gardens. It will give you and your son the experience of growing things as well as community. Never ever forget YOU are what is important.

I feel the exact same way. My almost 2 year old has a small balcony that he can only run in circles in :0) Even though both my husband and I have well paying, full-time jobs, the real estate prices where we live are beyond our financial ability. I feel guilty that he doesn't have a back yard and yes, I also take him to the park as much as I can. My friends have moved out of the area to far flung, less-desirable areas to buy homes in affordable price ranges but my husband and I feel that it is more important to live in a safe, low-crime neighborhood so we can sleep in peace in our small, rented condo rather than buy a low-cost home in an unsafe one where our child might be placed in harm's way. We are also very close to our families and want to stay nearby so we can enjoy each other as much as we can.

Look at it this way, some very wealthy people live in NYC in apartments that don't have yards. They don't seem to feel guilty. They go to the parks! We have a backyard but mainly went to the park at that age anyway bc being around other people is important too.

This is not something to cry over. You provide a home for your son, and you take care of him. Could you be depressed? Crying about something like this is not a great way for you to provide your son with the best you possilby can, which right now, happens to be without a yard, and is not a big deal. Plenty of children do not have yards. Some have yards they don't use. He has a roof, and a stay at home mom. Go see your doctor and get a referal, you can feel better than this, and YOU deserve that (so does your son!)

M.

You know kids grow up in a variety of living conditions! Don't feel bad at all. I grew up with a yard that was an acre in size, and I always thought it would SO COOL to live in NYC in an apartment! Keep taking your child to the park. Many, MANY children grow up living in apartments. In really big cities and many areas of the world (Europe, Asia) most people live in apartments unless they're out in a rural area. It will be okay!

You can also decide if you want to be a SAHM or if you want to go back to work. If you did go back to work, could you and your husband afford a house? Would you really want one? Houses and yards have lots of things attached to them like weekly upkeep and property taxes, sanitation fees, etc., and when something goes wrong, you can't call a landlord -you have to deal with it yourself or pay someone to fix it. So -apartments aren't that terrible. Since you're truly bothered by this, maybe you could look for a house with a yard to rent?

I live in an apartment as well, for the last year. My son who is now four has always had a backyard with tons of room to run around outside so I was going through the same thing when we moved. We dont really have a choice about living here though since it is temporary. So I started doing lots of projects with him, like egg carton catapillers & growing our own herb garden. So maybe if you dont already you can start doing things like that with him. Is there anywhere at your apartments that you can just sit outside and watch him run around?.. Kids dont need things like slides to keep themselves entertained. My DS can spend hours trying to find a catapiller to put in his jar.
I have also given up on his room, I make his bed everyday but when it comes to his toys I am way more relaxed about it then I was before. I dont care how messy he makes it(we pick up every night) as long as he is having a good time. Since we cant always go outside that is his place to do whatever.

D., I understand your wish to make.your child happy. However, when my girls were small we lived in a house with a big yard, and my parents house sat on almost four city lots. They had swings and slides, huge old trees and all the amenities... yet they begged us to walk them to the park down the street. You and your husband are making a sacrifice to allow you to stay at home. Having you there is more important than a yard.

Lighten up! Just take him to the park!
What's really important is living within your means--whatever that happens to be at the time.
It's the memories, not the "place" that is important.

You are a great Mom, and I agree, he's getting a great gift with you at home.. also, many people with backyards don't even use them (ha ha ha). Enjoy him - they grow so fast.!

It doesn't make you less of a mom to not have a backyard for your child. I am sure you are a great mom! Take your child to the park whenever you can--- kids can have fun wherever they are--so don't worry! Lots of parents don't have backyards. Its ok. Be kind to yourself. You are doing a good job!
M

We lived in very small places with our two kids until they were about 3 and 4 years old. When I look back on that time I remember it being really sweet... I remember that we spent really good quality time with our kids during that time because we had to be outside with them, engaging with them... we couldn't just say, go in the back yard and play. We couldn't run back inside to check on something or watch from the window.

I am willing to bet that you spend a lot of play time with your little guy and that time alone, in a yard, or inside, or at the park are worth everything. You're giving him plenty :)

You being at home with your child is priceless! Be good to yourself and keep up the good work with your son!

We just got back from Tokyo where none of the millions of gorgeous, happy, vibrant kids have yards. I also used to live in Manhattan. Do not feel like all kids have yards. They don't! You're a good mom to think about it. Your son is fine!

I agree with the other posters - no reason to feel guilty. Plenty of kids grow up in apartments and turn out just fine: even with no backyard!

I think of it differently though: Not taking on a financial obligation that you just can't handle right now is another gift you are giving your son. Being stressed over money only follows you in every aspect of life. You'd probably be shorter tempered with him, you and your husband/SO (if you have one) would probably fight more, you'd be more distracted, and you wouldn't be providing him with a stable financial environment for the future. Do your best with what you have - that's all any of us can do.

You go to the park at times, so for a 2yr old, that's plenty.