Transitioning from Mom to Dad's House

How about instead of making it her being the one who has a tough time transitioning, the family has a tough time. Sit as a family when you can anticipate a peaceful, relaxing time to come up with solutions as to how to transition. Ask her what she thinks might be best, what everyone can do to help, acknowledge the challenge in the situation and create a plan of action so that she has foreknowledge of what is acceptable ways to express herself. She may not understand her own feelings and she's letting you know how confused she is. Behavior is a language!!! I can't say it enough BEHAVIOR IS A LANGUAGE. So what is she communicating...

DO NOT relax the rules. That's like lowing your standards for behavior and is confusing.

When she returns and you have had this meeting, acknowledge her feelings and stick to the family's plan of action. And when she acts out try to say to yourself and find peace in the knowledge that this little girl feels safe enough with you and your husband to misbehave and act out. Keep acknowledging her feelings and negotiating ways to practically work out the situation.

Think of it this way, from her point of view, you are sending her to place she doesn't want to go, where she has very little control and who is perceived as having the control? The most responsible parents. She's mad at you... its not necessarily logical, but feelings don't have to be, esp at nine.

She may be old enough now to tell the judge what she wants and at nine, if she doesn't feel torn in two, she should have a bit more control and choice in the matter.

I know its hard, but its harder for her.

Jen

I've experienced this with my daughter who started with me as a foster child. She was 7-10 in age. She was very difficult for a day or two or three after an hour visit with her birth mom. You've tried everything I'd suggest.

I'm also beginning to experience attitude from my 10 yo granddaughter. We suspect a lot of her being difficult to get along with from time to time is related to hormones and being aware that she's growing up. It feels to me that at times she's caught between being a child and a teen. She wants to be considered more grown up but she's having difficulty letting go of being a child.

I suggest that your step-daughter is experiencing a double whammy of being confused about being older and confusion about why she has to spend time where she feels she's unwanted. Coming back home to be with the family that wants her may be too great a shock with which to deal. I suggest trying treating her return in a more laid back way. Perhaps when you try so hard it makes her feel that you're trying too hard and what does that mean? Are you trying to prove you want her which could mean that it's not enough to just be loved? More confusion.

Tell her you're glad she's back but then treat her like you do the rest of the time. Let her have time to decompress in whatever way she wants to do so. Take her lead. I suggest you try continuing the same routine all of the time.

Also let her talk about what happened and how she feels without making any comment. Just listen. Never make judgmental statements about her Mom or the other household. Remain as neutral as you can be.

I also suggest that getting her into counseling could help. My foster daughter and I both went to the same counselor to process our feelings about many things. The having to visit this mother with whom she'd most likely never again live but with whom she had to spend supervised visits was a really big issue for both of us. My foster daughter and then adopted daughter has only since reaching adulthood been able to talk about her feelings with me. This has happened only thru counseling.

Does her mom know how she feels? Are you or her father able to talk with her or facilitate your step-daughter talking with her about possible ways to change just one or two things so that she's more comfortable. For example: perhaps your step-daughter could have a special place for her toys so that the little kids could not play with them unless they have her permission. We can only learn to share when we have control over our own things.

I can understand how the mother is overwhelmed with two babies. Perhaps she just doesn't know how to make this better for her daughter. If your husband can't talk with her perhaps there's a third person who could be sympathetic with the mother and helpful at the same time.

If your step-daughter doesn't have her own space (bed, drawers, portion of closet) she's really just visiting. But she's expected to act as if she's living there. How confusing! And then you treat her special when she gets to your house where she knows she lives. Again, confusing. Make her life as routine as possible. A part of that routine is doing things to help her feel special. Do those all of the time. Treat homecoming as routine and no big deal. You're then letting her know that you know she can handle it. She'll figure it out.

One thing that I did eventually do was to make a routine out of returning after a visit. We had dinner at McDonald's. We frequently had dinner at McDonald's. Inability to eat home cooked was one of her emotional issues. It's taken me years to once again willingly eat a McDonald's hamburger. lol And then we went home and did whatever we usually did in the evening.

My grandson goes to his father's every weekend. He's 7. He frequently is cranky and difficult when he returns. My daughter and her husband consciously try to have chores done so that they can have a quiet at home time when he gets there. For example: as a family they can sit down and watch a movie together.. Sometimes he just wants to play alone in his bedroom. They are able to take their cue from him because they have nothing else that they have to do tho there are always things around the house that they can and do do when he's wanting to be left alone.

Sometimes he's just a bear to be around no matter what and they let him know, just as they do when he's like that during the week, that his behavior is unacceptable and he goes to his room until he's able to be reasonable. When he comes out he gets hugs and attention just as he does during the week.

helps most of the time but not always. Just as your step-daughter has to find a way to adjust so do we. Let her know that you know this is difficult but that you trust her to be able to work it out with your help when she asks for it.

What about immediately giving her lots of positive attention when she returns. As soon as she acts up, send her to her room (= no attention) and then drop the subject. Let her see she doesn't get attention except for good attention to encourage the good behavior and discourage the negative attention getting actions.

This must be a common problem as I saw another post within the last few weeks and I know I always had this issue when my daughter returned from her dad's house. I would do as much as you can to have rules and expectations be the same in both households. (if that is possible, I know it gets harder with other kids on the scene) Also, I would have there be times when she goes out with just her birthparents. It is difficult to be the child that may sometimes feel that they don't belong in either of the 2 new families. Maybe birth mom and birth dad can make "the exchange" at a coffee shop and have a sandwich with just the three of them. And I like the suggestion of asking her what might help, what she is feeling when she goes back and forth and what the best way she thinks would be to make the adjustment easier.

I have lived through this ALL...I am so sorry, however, it does get better. We would typically do the alone time, even if she did not want to atleast for a few min (20 or so) just to give her some down time like you said. She also knew that if the attitude came out, there would be no yelling etc, just back to her room-also, when and if she ever goes before a judge, IT WILL be in closed chambers. She will not have to talk in front of any parents and the courts will most likely give her a "lawyer" of her own/guardian for the event. The judge then rules stating that based on what HE/SHE thinks is best for the child.....but you do need to keep notes of how she responds when she returns and acts before she goes. Also how she is affected by calls to and from her mother, any missed visitation and the reason why....All of these things can help the judge later on, especially when he sees that this has been going on for a long period of time. You should really, if you have not already, check into the age in your state. In OK it is typically around 11. Good luck and we will be praying for you all.