help.....unsure How to Handle

I feel your pain. I had the same problem with my daughter. Except it was her going for a week a every month. You need to tell her that when she is with mommy this is how we do things. Yes she will fight but eventually it will get better. Set a routine for when she comes home. It helps

This is a great time in her life to be teaching her that each place she goes to has rules and those rules will be different at each place. We had to help our son understand that my MIL had certain rules, my mom had certain rules, the baby sitter had certain rules and we had certain rules.

Like other said, you can only control the rules at your house. Welcome her back each time with lots of hugs and kisses and love. Give her a "heads up" before the bedtime routine begins. That way she'll have a little time to adjust. Be as gentle, but firm, as possible that first night.

She'll get used to it. Keep in mind that things are always changing in her life and at that age. It is perfectly normal for a 2 year old to try and maintain some control in her life and thereby test boundaries.

Remember gentle but firm and with lots of love.

If at all possible talk with the other parents about the need for consistency because of her negative behavior when she's back with you. Be willing to compromise about some ways of doing things. Praise them first. It's good that they are taking her for those days. I know it doesn't feel that way for you. It does make life more complicated. However, it is important for her to know her father now that she knows him. You can't go back to the time she didn't know him.

When talking with them use I statements. Be careful to not accuse them of poor parenting. Acknowledge that it's inevitable that things will be different at each home and you'd like to co-operate on parts of it that you can both agree on.

You cannot control what happens at their house. I wholeheartedly agree that now is the time to teach her that different homes have different rules. These are the rules here and her are the consequences. At two she won't learn so much from conversation as she will from consistent reinforcement of the rules. Enforce bedtime in a firm but pleasant manner every time. She'll learn.

But sleeping in her bed may be something the father and step-mother may be willing to do if they know how difficult it is for her when she returns.

About wanting to get everything her way. That's a common way to find reassurance that she is loved. For my foster daughter, who was 7, her behavior was also influenced by her anger at having to go back and forth. I suggest that you do give her lots of attention. It might help to have a welcome back routine that you do every time. It will help if you can ignore her demands and whining. Be sure to not take it personally.

It might help to talk about feelings and ask her how she's feeling. Then help her deal with the feelings. She may be too young for this. It does seem like my grandchildren had a board book about feelings at that age and were beginning to be aware of the basic feelings of happy, sad, mad. Be careful to not tell her how she feels. Describe each feeling and ask her to tell you about a time she felt after you describe each one.
Tell her it's OK to feel however she feels. If she says she's sad, be sympathetic. If she says she's mad, show her how to hit a pillow while saying, "I'm mad." Happy? then dance around and laugh together.

It's OK to say she hates you. All kids say that when they don't get what they want. Ignore it. You know it won't be long that she's loving again. If you pay attention to it, she will learn that she can manipulate you by saying it. Even if she doesn't get what she wants, if you get angry she is influencing you and she wins.

Swearing is not acceptable and there should be a consequence.

In my daughter's family nearly everything has the same consequence. Go to your room. When she swears she's not good company so she goes to her room or you walk out of the room. When she swears she's wanting to get a reaction from you. Negative attention (you getting upset) is better than no attention.

If she's too obnoxious to be comfortable around when she returns I suggest that quiet time by herself might be helpful. Place some pillows and a music player in her room so that she can settle down, look at books, play with toys or watch a short favorite video. Along this same line she might respond to being held.

You could also plan a quiet group activity for her that places her in charge. She can choose a video or a game. She can choose what to have for dinner and help fix it. The more choices you can give her the easier it will be for her to relinquish the control she felt at the other home.

It would be great if you could tell them what to do in their household, but you can't. You can only be in charge of what the rules are in your house. She's obviously old enough to recognize the differences between the two households, so I would firmly tell her "this is Mommy's house and this is the way we do things here." Be firm and consistent, but not angry. Sorry I don't have any easier advice, but this did work for my stepchildren pretty well as there will always be differences between two households and how things are done.

Kids are smart they can figure out that there are different rules for different places. (your house vs dads house) So just be consistent with her and your rules. When she gets back from visits - remind her what your rules are and how you expect her to behave. If she does not behave have clear consequences that are enforced 100% of the time. At first this will be hard....but keep following through and it will get better quickly.

It sounds like they care about her over there. Maybe they feel guilty in some way about not being with her all the time? Can you have a conversation with no accusing, no arguing? If they care about her then just calmly explain that when she comes home to your house, you are stuck taming tantrums and she acts like she should get everything she wants. I also would talk about who is swearing around her and teach her how to handle anger, by breathing and calming down. Try not to get mad back (you or hubby) and keep your cool. Tell her calmly, I do not like when you speak to me that way, when you want to talk nicely we can talk. I don't see this going away without her dad/step mom coming on board. But you could definitely teach her about this is what goes on here at our house (like Carrie W. said) and make a routine for when she comes back.

My dad used to do this and it was affecting her. I talked to him and told him that I was left basically undoing what he did. He took that to heart because he cared about her and didn't want her to be in any frustration like that, even if it wasn't around him.

If my daughter (2 1/2) swore at me, I can honestly say she would go straight to time-out. I wouldn't tolerate it.

How does a 2 year old know to use words like hate or cuss words at you? Where is she picking this up from? That needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

Every child this age needs firm boundaries and consistent rules - sounds like compared to your home, there is no consistency at all at Dad's. It's so confusing for a little girl that age to have to go back and forth between 2 homes with 2 different sets of rules - kids much older than her have a hard time adjusting! Sounds like you, and Dad, and Stepmom and Stepdad all need to sit down, if possible, and try to figure out how to be on the same page. Just because she isn't there all the time doesn't mean they should spoil her or not expect her to follow a sensible routine when it comes to bedtime.