Hi Ladies! I need some advice on how to approach a dear friend without hurting her feelings. Each Wednesday I pick up my friend's 6 year old daughter to take to a program at our church. We are neighbors and our kids are good friends, and as I am involved in the kids program, it makes sense that the little girl should ride with us.
We often stop for a small snack after they are done with the kids program, since my son has diabetes and needs a snack after so much exercise (I have the best of intentions of bringing snacks along and time ALWAYS gets the better of me). But lately the girl has been BEGGING for me to buy her food from McDonalds, toys from Wal-Mart, multiple snack in just one evening and complaining if she only gets one snack and a bottle of water. Last Wednesday night, she heard me tell my husband that we needed to stop at Wal-Mart and started asking repeatedly if she could have a toy, a soda, candy and ice cream. I kept telling her "no" and finally had to calmly tell her to stop asking or she would not get a snack.
I am so frustrated!!! I did let my friend know when she was asking for a Happy Meal and she was so embarassed and apologized. I KNOW the girl gets enough to eat at home and eats dinner before I pick her up. She also knows that my son shouldn't have candy and sweets often but thinks that she should have those things even if he can't. I have refused to give in to her and YET, she keeps asking!!!! You would think she would QUIT after the last few months of me saying no!
I feel like this constant nagging for treats and toys is very disrespectful and I am already dreading next week. I WILL be bringing peanut butter sandwiches and bottled water along for a snack on Wednesday.
I know that bringing a snack is not going to stop the continual begging for treats so should I bring it up to my friend? I don't want to hurt her feelings or embarass her. How do I do this gracefully and with tact?
Thanks in advance!
I do need to clarify, per one post, that I DO keep emergency snacks in the car for a diabetic emergency, but they are there for low blood sugars only and I replace them as we use them.
Hahahahaha!!!!! Ronda, really? You creeped back through years of my posts just to comment that? Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Good luck to you.
I substitute teach elementary and have a 6 year old niece. This is pretty typical of that age group. Instead of responding to her nagging, act as if you did not hear her and only respond to her when she does something positive. It seems like this negative communication has been giving her the attention she is looking for... refocus that.
She's only six, they need constant reminders still at this age. I agree that you need to stop making stops, if you continue then so will the begging until she finally gets it, she may get what she wants by doing this at home so she doesn't know any different.
Just keep telling her no. Don't get excited about it. Don't let saying No bother you. Keep your cool. When a child gets to begging like that with me I tell them "Doesn't matter how many times you ask the answer is still No" and "How many times do you need to hear No before you believe it?". Sometimes I'll hum a tune and then fill in the chorus with all No's.
I think you can do 2 things:
Keep saying no. Tell her even before you get to the store or wherever you need to go "I need to go to X, but I am not buying extra things"
Or you can take the long run if you don't want to be the one that says no.
Next time tell the little girl "I am sorry, we need to ask your mom before"
Then keep asking the mom "Sue ask me for this I say we should ask you first"
Next time she ask do the same, "Sue ask me for that, I told her we need to ask you first"
I think after the 3rd (hope before) the mom will understand what is going on and will have a talk to her kid.
Once the mom say you don't have to worry about buying her stuff, you can then say to the girl "I am sorry, your mom say no"
If it was my daughter I would hope that the person taking her would tell me! Of course I would be MORTIFIED, however this is a good learning experience for the child and her to have a nice talk about begging, etc. I wonder if she does this to her own mom and if her mom let's her get away with it...
Stick to your guns. I also agree that maybe it is time for the girl to bring her own snack. Or maybe you take turns...
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We have a firm rule in our house, when we are out shopping my kids aren't allowed to ask for things, period. I have no problem with them showing me things that they like, and they know that on certain trips if they behave they will receive a treat at the end. However, if they chose to ask for something while we are shopping, the immediately forfit the treat that was coming at the end. And if one asks and the other does not, the one who didn't ask still gets the reward. One or two times of this and there is no asking, they are quick learners. It might seem a little mean but it eliminates the "gimmes" in the middle of a store. I have no problem with them showing me things they like, but no asking allowed.
I would take this approach with your friend's little one. You obviously have a close enough relationship with the daughter to have boundries when you are out together. If you are concerned about your friend's reaction, have a chat first. Tell her this is a rule you are enforcing with all the kids in your vehicle/care and that you hope she's alright with it. Explain that you know that children say and do things far beyond their parents control, especially when the parent is absent. That this isn't effecting your friendship but you just want her to be aware of your rules. It will allow your friend a chance to agree, disagree and then give you feed back. Sometimes parent issues can feel embarassing but remember, by communicating with her mother now you are preventing problems for the future. No boundries for her could result in unwanted behaviours as she gets older.
Good luck!
When my son has a friend at our house, I treat that child as I wouold treat my own. I have no problem saying NO, or telling him/her to settle down/share/chew with their mouth closed, say excuse me, etc. I would assume my son's friend's moms would do the same, and I have told them to do this as well. I would respond to her as you would to your own child. She'll get the message. What I would avoid is the extra store stops, etc. Pack snacks and that's what they get. Ideally, your neihboer will realize you're providing snacks each week and will pony up once in awhile.
Bring up the subject before she can. When she gets in the car say "here are the snacks today, we will not stop to buy anything else so do not even ask" or "These are the snacks that our family eats so please don't ask for anything else." "Does everyone understand?" And wait for each child to respond yes. Repeat as many times as neccessary. Children love to repeat, but they hate it when adults repeat the same thing over & over to them. Just literally be a broken record.
I know how frustrating this can be! I agree with everything everyone else has said but kept thinking of another approach.
Talk to the little girl one-on-one and explain to her why your son has to have a snack and that you don't mind getting her a snack too and that over asking for EVERYTHING is rude. Tell her like she is your own child that if she can't seem to follow the rules (with maybe a reminder each time) then she will have to start bringing her own snack and you will have no problems telling her mom about your "adult" converstation with her. Sometimes just calling a kid out on their poor behavior is enough and a comment about talking to their mom about it will equally do it. Then try it for a couple of weeks and if no improvement, have the conversation with her mom. I like the approach of asking for help from her mom than the "tattling" approach.
I would even suggest that IF her mom wants to tell her daughter that she can't go with you each week if she can't improve her behavior that you would be ok with it as a logical consequence to her actions (if for just a week or two).
Good luck!!!!
Talk to your friend. Explain to her that because your son needs a snack after your activities, of course the girl wants one too (nobody likes to watch others eating...) and ask your friend to pack a snack for her daughter that she can eat afterwards.
If this was my child I would want to know the situation and I would have no problem giving her a snack to take along...
As for the problem of remembering to take things along... keep a few bottles of water and prepackaged snacks in your car for your son. This is not only convenient, but can be life saving for a diabetic in case of an emergency.
My 4yo grandson does this sometimes with me. When I tell him, "The answer is no, so just stop asking," it seems to work.
I love the phrase, "Be as inevitable as the tides." If the child senses your quiet, consistent firmness, she may ask once or twice, but will probably let it go. If she senses that you are uncertain as to whether you have the right to tell her no, then she'll keep asking. It's simply human nature, and children are perceptive.
You might also be able to set the boundary before you enter the establishment. State clearly what you are going for, and that you won't be buying anything else, so there's no point in asking.
Good luck. It's completely normal behavior on the little girl's part. And your annoyance is completely normal, too. Be "inevitable."
You are not being a good friend.
Over the years of having other people's children in my home, I've encountered a few kids like this. I discovered the reason why these children kept nagging me after I said no was because that's what worked for them at home. If they nagged their parents long enough, the parents gave in. My advice is not to alter to your own routine in order to cater (or attempt to avoid) the misbehavior of this young lady. Simply stay the course, be firm, and keep saying no. My experience has been that these are the kids who wanted to spend the most time at my house, even though I felt like all I ever did was say "no" to them. Children have a built-in need for limits, and if they don't get it at home, they will look for it elsewhere. Also, make sure you praise your son for his good behavior in front of this girl. She will want that praise too, and I think eventually, you will start to see a change. Oh yeah, and pray for her! :)
I read the other responses and agree that this may be the way she gets what she wants at home. She maybe attention starved and only get a respnse from her parents whan she is annoying the bejeebers out of them. I would tell her that in your home and in your car she has to follow your rules and that you really like her but if she doesn't stop asking for things she won't be able to ride with you. Also explain to your son that maybe she needs a little attention so on the ride home or just before you leave the church function you are going to talk to her a little bit and praise her a little more than you normally would. See what happens when you pay her some extra attention.
Ditto Mommee.
Ummm, sorry to be blunt here but she's 6. Just 6. Not a lot of logic going on at that age.
Yes, it's annoying you but just keep telling her no.
I know you are running short on time but you are going to have to just pack the snacks and forget the stops at Wal-Mart, etc.
Don't sweat the small stuff and don't bring up a fuss with your friend.
Kids are kids and some are a little annoying. Sounds like a long drive home??
Tell her no... you are NOT her Mommy, only her Mommy can get her extra things. Tell her begging is rude....she should be asking her Mommy, not you.
Or, tell her Mommy that she needs to have her own things/snack/money on those days you pick her up.
A 6 year old is not going to be perfectly mature about it... but still, you have to keep to your boundaries. If anything, this is a lesson for her in life.
Talk to her Mom about it. Really. But in a diplomatic way. No sense you getting all stressed about it and having to deal with her daughter's begging. Afterall, you ARE doing her a nice "favor" by picking up her daughter and taking her to that program each Wed. night.
So, you and her Mom should talk about "rules" of the road. Its only fair.
Or if it continues and it is simply more of a hassle & burden than need be, stop picking her up and taking her with you.
Pack snacks in advance, and don't make any other stops. She will not be so tempted to beg for stuff, if you are only in the car. If she should ask: simple... there AREN'T ANY. Then when she asks about stopping at ___... "We're not making any stops". If she continues beyond that, then you can tell her that buying ___ for her is something for her mom to do if she wants to. She should ask her mom about it. Then drop the subject.
She will get the hint.
But if you are always stopping somewhere on the way home... then you are creating a very difficult situation. What she sees is you and your family stopping at stores after church and spending money. It is expected. And you buy stuff for her (snacks), so she expects (or at least hopes) that you'll buy "stuff" at the store for her, too.
You have to be firm. Don't hem and haw... and feel (and sound) awkward. She will KNOW that you feel weird about telling her no, and she will build on it. Be matter of fact instead.
Oh.. and I agree with the post that suggests announcing beforehand (if you MUST go into a store) that you "are only buying ____ and nothing else... so don't ask to buy anything." I tell my OWN kids that all the time~
Good luck.
Her parents have taught her to keep asking by giving in. You aren't going to be able to change that habit as long as they aren't changing it and it will just cause problems if you complain to her parents. Taking snacks along and not stopping to buy some will be the best solution, otherwise tell her right out that we find it rude to ask for things and you will ONLY be willing to buy her a snack, anything else she has to bring her own money for. If you buy your son a toy each time you go to walmart then I can understand why she wants one too and I would give them both a limit they can pick or not buy for either child at that time.
One thing you could try is when you are planning on stopping at walmart let her mom know so she can give you some money to spend on her. I always made sure my kids had money of their own when they went somewhere so it wouldn't be a expense on the parents of friends.
I would simply say that you need help dealing with her child. She begs constantly for food and snacks whenever you go out and you've told her no for 4 months and she still does it. Simply ask her how you should handle this because you don't want to overstep boundaries. If you put the ball in the moms court she'll feel she has the power to decide how her daughter is treated and you respect her opinion.
