I Can't Take My 4 Year Old Shopping

If you had said a 2 year old I could understand, but at 4 years of age, this behavior is unacceptable. I agree with Brenna about the walking issue and explaining almost verbatim what to expect BEFORE you leave the house. I do this and then it is up to my child to decide whether or not to comply. If they don’t they have made the decision to misbehave and it is therefore on them that they didn’t get their “helmet”.

What really stood out to me is they way she was talking to you. Very disrespectful and if my child talked to me like that regardless, they would not be getting their ‘helmet’. If she is talking to you like that now at age 4 imagine what she will be like as a teenager! Yikes!!

You need to correct that behavior ASAP. Talk to her at home about this. Really explain that talking back to you and getting sassy is completely unacceptable and you will not tolerate it.

Hi L..

It sounds like your daughter is smart.

At this age they are very literal. If you said you were going to buy a helmet and didn't tell her there would be other stops along the way, she was probably very upset with you. I would say the 'walking' thing was her attempt to glean 'literal' understanding because she was frustrated that you weren't at the helmet store yet.

I have a kid like this and if you can figure out how to manage her it will get better not worse.

For starters..... I am very up front and specific with my daughter about information. It's better now that she's almost 11, but it was pretty rough when she was 4 -6..... so my conversation BEFORE we left the house would have been something akin to this.... (generally I do more asking than telling, so that she can answer the questions rather than me telling her what I expect..... this is just an example)

"we are going to go shopping to get a helmet so you can ride your bike. But before we do that I have to run 3 or 4 errands and you will come with me. While we are at those 4 stores I will expect that you walk right beside me and behave. If you do that I will be able to get my errands done quickly and we can get to the bike store for your helmet. If you don't have acceptable behavior we won't be able to go to the bike store today for a helmet." Then it would be repeating parts of this during the trip

"we've been to 1 store - how many left until we can go to the bike store. yep that's right 3 more."

"Oops - I totally forgot that I need to pick up a picture for Aunt Louise. I need you to put your flexible shoes on.... we have to add a stop. That's 5 total stores and we've been to 2.... so how many more til we go to the bike store? yep that's right 3.

etc etc

As far as handling the walking issue as it happened I would have handled it like this....

Your situation.....
She refused to walk the same pace as me, if i went slow, she went slower, if i asked her to walk next to me she would bolt ahead of me and say "like this? Is this fast enough!?" .......

I would have said......
"no, susie, that is not the appropriate behavior. I asked you to walk next to me.... are you walking next to me? (let her answer and correct the behavior. if not then you say ) Nope, you are in front of me. If you can't walk next to me while we are in mommy's stores we won't be able to go to the bike store for your helmet. Please walk next to me now".

Good Luck!
B.

If my husband told me that we were going to the store to pick up something I wanted and then proceeded to drag me to the electronics store, the hardware store, and 10 other places first I wouldn't like it. So, when you tell your 4 year old that you are taking them one place and surprise them with a bunch of other stops that are not at all interesting to them they are not going to like it any more than you would. I totally agree with the poster below about setting out the agenda with specifics and specific expectations. You also have to be willing to follow through on any limits you enforce and try not to make rules/limits that aren't enforceable. Example, if you say, don't walk in front of me or we are leaving and you in no way intend to leave without finishing your errand then your kid is going to know it and ignore you. A young 4 year old is pretty literal so being more specific before the trip begins and setting reasonable expectations should help.

Brenna said it perfectly.
Always give all of the information to your child.

She is so intelligent, she listened to you say we are going to buy you a helmet. You did not say, while we are running about 6 errands this morning, we will at the end of the errands look for a bike helmet for you. If we find one that will be safe enough for you. we will buy it.

Some kids will just williy nilly go along, but with bright kids, they want to know how it is all going to go down.

Have her make a list of everything you will be searching for. Tell her the names of the stores.

Go over the proper behaviors. when we are in the mall you need to walk next to me. If you run off or fall behind, you will have to hold my hand the whole time.

Inside voices. No talk back. Remember if the we do not find the safest helmet for you here, will go and look somewhere else.

Also "promise her" if she cannot follow the rules, you will leave.. and then do it if necessary. It will only take 1 time for her to realize, she cannot mess with mama, because mama is serious about her promises.

Also I always had our daughter pick out a snack and a drink to take when we went out, She knew I did not by treats or snacks while out,.

You're the mom, not her peer, you're supposed to be the one in charge and the one who teaches her how to be respectful. So she's throwing fits the whole time you're out and you still buy her a new helmet? I say um, no, you're not getting a new helmet today, which means you have to wait to ride your new bike. Next time we go shopping, if you can walk with mommy on the sidewalk and use good manners when we go into the other stores mommy has to go into, we'll pick out a new helmet for you. Buying a new helmet for a new bike is a privilege that should be earned, it shouldn't just be a right. Throw a fit and not use listening ears and then still get something new? Not in my house!!

Sounds like she was just pushing your buttons - the more you try to tell her what to do and how to do it, the more she wants to rebel. Honestly, I would not make a big deal about exactly how fast or slow she walks, as long as you can see her and she is not in danger or running into other people. I would just keep it simple, tell her to expect her to stay by you, and to take your hand when you tell her to. If she can't behave, have her do a time-out in the car, and tell her next time you need to shop, she can stay home with someone else. Keep in mind to that stopping at too many places gets boring after a while and kids have way more energy than we do and need lots of opportunities to burn it off.

Here is how I would take my son to the mall. We would eat lunch as soon as we got there. After that I would stop at a store or 2 and then we would stop in the candy store for a treat for him. Then a couple more "mommy stores" and then stop at the playland for him. Then some more stores and then look in the Disney store or get a pretzel or gumball. This worked out really well because he saw it as equitable and there was always something for him to look forward to. I would also bring his DS so when I was trying on clothes or looking for too long he would play a game. Some of the best times that he and I spent together while his brother was at school were shopping at the mall. We still try to do this together once in a while.

I realize this approach is not for everyone-I am not a very strict or by the book mom so it works for us. My kids don't act spoiled in the least either. I have seen the kids of much stricter and regimented moms than myself practically melt down because they didn't get a toy. Not mine.

I am sorry to see so many negative responses. It is too bad the assumptions people make from a simple question. It does not sound to me like you did anything wrong -- you can see how the disrespect she showed today could blossom as she gets older and you want to put a stop to it now. That sounds like a good mom to me.

You say this has never happened before, so I would chalk it up to a bad day. It doesn't excuse it, but I have noticed my son always misbehaves the most just before he gets sick. Maybe your daughter just wasn't feeling herself or was just extra excited or something. Also, this is a typical age of trying to push the limits in my experience. Just be clear, explain what you expect and what the consequences will be and follow through. Like others said, I would leave her treat for last and she wouldn't get it if she wasn't behaving. There is nothing wrong with expecting her to behave for a couple of stops before getting something for her. The trick is the follow through -- if you threaten once and don;t follow through the behavior gets worse.

One thing that really helped my son at that age -- I would take the time to look through store ads and cut out pictures of the things we were going to buy that day and glue them to paper so he had a list he could read. I would give him a crayon and he could read his list and cross things out as we bought them. He loved it and it kept him from getting bored so his behavior was better.

Good luck -- I do find 4 to be such a stubborn age, it is good that they are figuring out who they are but sometimes it can be so trying for mom and dad!

hahaha....sorry, but you kinda had it coming. My 4.5 year od LOVES to shop, but even she would have gotten squirrely about being hauled to 15 different stores first - especially without any advanced warning.

I think we sometimes forget that our children are people too; they have their own thoughts and ideas, their own personalities. And I think we often forget to treat them with respect too. My daughter says stuff like that too (a little sarcastic) and I have to remind myself that she gets it from ME!! haha So if I want perfectly courteous and prim behaviour from *her*, them *I* need to model it first! And don't forget, she's testing you...testing to see what she can get away with in public. If it's that big of a problem, give her a warning 'if you don't start walking with me then we're going straight home' and FOLLOW THROUGH if she persists.

I wouldn't punish her for it, instead prepare her better next time. Either warn her that there are going to be other stops, or save your other errands for when she's not with you.

yes some Moms are tough eh? I don't think the behavior sounds that bad either. I have a 3.75 year old and we have to be super careful about setting expectations and following through as she is very sharp and holds you to your word. Your daughter's behavior sounds perfectly normal to me and you sound like a good Mom. Good luck!!

I don't get embarrassed by my 4 yo. If she is being difficult, we either leave or I stop and get down on her level and give her a choice. In that circumstance, probably it would be, "you either walk properly-and you know how, or we are leaving now."

As others have suggested I am clear about expectations and what is going to happen. I also would not try to go to more than one extra store. It is so boring for a 4 yr old. I cannot really look for whatever I want, it's not worth it. It's not coddling her, I cannot stand to shop for my husbands stuff (home depot or whatever stuff he needs) so I get it. It's boring and their attention span is so short, that just 3 quick stops for us can be interminable for them.

I personally wouldn't punish for something like that. The natural consequence of refusing to cooperate is going home. But I would have probably told her in advance that they might not have the helmet. I know with my DD if we are going to get something she expects we will, so that kind of set back would be a problem for her as well. Sounds like normal 4 yo.

I usually warn my kids beforehand. If we are going shopping for something for them and I need to do other errands, I do my errands first but I warn them that we will be going to x amount of stores before we go to "their" store. They do much better with some sort of warning. I do not get their thing first because I have done that in the past and once they have what they want they just want to go home.
I also give them a clear outline of my expectations before we go in a store. It goes something like this.....I expect you to stay with me, not to ask me to buy things for you, not to touch things etc etc.
If they do misbehave while we are out I give them a warning...."if you continue to walk away from me we will go straight home" or "if you keep picking things up from the shelf you will not get your toy". If they do not correct their behavior we go straight home/they do not get the toy they wanted. Don't give any warning that you are not willing to follow through on. Do this a few times and she will get the message :)

A 4 yr old is old enough to grasp the idea of consequences. If you dont straighten up and act right, not only are we not buying the helmet, but we're going home and taking nap!
Or you can give her a job to do. Sweetie, we have a lot of stops today and I need your help. If you help me do my shopping today, I will buy you a helmet when I'm done. Then give her a stack of out of date coupons to hold or something.
Or you can try straight up bribery - if you do a good job shopping with me today we can stop at Sonic for a drink on the way home.

wow, you've got the tail waggin the dog here! better get that in check before the teen years :) time to start setting the parent/child boundaries. i can tell you one thing, if my 4yo had acted like that, i know ONE place we CERTAINLY would not have visited today, but my gut tells me you went home with a shiny new bike helmet... in the future, i'd tell her she can walk at your set pace, or suffer a consequence(shopping cart, baby stroller, lose a privelege at home, what you think would "speak" to her the most) - and then FOLLOW THROUGH! good behavior AFTER a punishment has been earned does not cancel out the punishment, though it is wise to say something like "i appreciate that you have been so cooperative this past hour, but you will still not be allowed to watch tv this afternoon - hopefully next time we go out you will behave like such a big girl the entire time!".

my 2yo pulled this while shopping at kohl's this morning - i told her she could hold my hand or i would carry her... she's 2, she pulled her hand away - i picked her up, she HATES being carried(restrained in any way to be honest!), she struggled for a minute, then settled down. at our next stop, i told her before she walked in that she WOULD hold my hand or i would carry her again, she was good as gold. now, she's 2(just turned 2), so i wouldn't have been shocked to end up carrying her again - but at 4, my expectations/consequences would be VERY different.

My son always had roughly a "two-stop" limit.