Touchy MIL Question ...

I think it's just their age. Eventually their interest in the world around them will increase and they can engage her. My boys have always had the preference for only their parents for the first 6 months or so.

I think you have enough to worry about without having to worry about whether she gets "grandma time". This is something that she needs to get over and she needs to deal with it herself. You shouldn't be expected to worry about her feelings right now.

How wonderful that you have a MIL that understands (somewhat at least)!! My MIL would have made my life a living hell if I said anything close to what you did. I just wanted to say hopefully w/ time and the older they get, the more comfortable both the kiddos and your MIL will be w/ each other. I remember once when my son was in NICU and I tried to let her hold him. He started screaming so I grabbed him back. She didn't talk to me for a week and said I didn't want him to love her. :0P I don't have any advice but I am somewhat jealous lol!!

Hi J.,
I kind of maybe have a few suggestions and maybe other people have said them to.
First of I know that you said the babies seem to sense your MIL tension when holding them. So how about going about it a few different ways. When she is holding them make sure she is holding them in a way you do, maybe one arm is tucked under yours, maybe you hold them and pat their butt etc. The next thing when one of them does start to cry don't immediatley take them see if you both can figure out them problem, give her suggestions on what to try, maybe a bounce, a sway. Maybe what upsets them is her tone of voice maybe she is to loud, to harsh with words when talking or maybe she has them on her shoulder and she speaks in their ear. I believe I read somewhere that babies like hi pitched tones of voices but not loud, also when the babies are awake have her ask them questions without her holding them. Let's say you are getting together and the babies are in their carseats let her great them before they get out, then a few minutes later she says hi to them again and says how are you today, and then 10 minutes later she says to one of them may I pick you up when she does if he starts to cry then you wait and have Grandma try to talk to him and tell him Oh are you gonna cry now grandma just wanted to say hi and love on you, then after you have waited a few minutes go over and reassure your son that he is ok and grandma wants to see him for a minute. As you go through this process let it be longer and longer.
My 6 month old daughter is starting to recognize she only sees a few amount of people on a daily basis and when she sees family and they talk to her and make noises or faces or be loud she gets upset. I only ressure her unless the person that has her is scared and doesn't know what to do. I don't think it will help you by waiting till your babies are 6 months old it will only be harder. And I'm not saying to just drop them of with your MIL right now but you do need to keep her and the babies in contact with each other. I would even make a tape or cd of her talking to the babies I know it might seem funny or stupid but it just might help and let them listen to it at home also get a shirt she has worn and let them lay on the shirt on the floor or in the pack and play so they can get used to her "grandma scent" no disrespect ment, I hope you know what I mean. I know with you being a first time mom you are probably scared to death but if she is a first time grandma then she's probably just as scared as you are. I hope this helps W..

It'll be ok. My MIL is not really a baby person either. She definately prefers the walking/talking stage. Fine by me! MIL seems to have the energy to run around with my toddler when I just want a break. Good luck to you and your new family in making the adjustment.

This is something different to consider - does she wear perfume or scented lotions? One of my sons didn't like my mom to hold him if she had on her perfume. The days she didn't wear it, he did much better.

My own kids were like that with my mom's husband (he's loud and was always a little too rough when handling them when they were very little). But we still kept going over there often and now they love Grandpa and beg him to play. I am sure in time they will grow to love their grandmother and she will be less afraid of caring for them. Maybe she's just nervous to make a mistake or offend you, or maybe it's just that it's been so long since she took care of her own that she's just scared. But I'm sure there's no doubt she loves her grandchildren, they'll all come around in their own time and you guys will be able to laugh about this later on :)

J.,
Hang in there! Since your post says that your twins are newborns, they already know your voice from in-utero, and they don't know Grandma's presence yet. You don't mention if you are breastfeeding the boys or not but if not, maybe Grandma could help you feed one of them? When they are newborn, getting food is a huge priority so that might help her/them relax.

Also, are these her first grandbabies? Sometimes the length of time between having one's own children and holding a grandbaby is a large one. Moms know they've raised their kids so technically, they can do it, but if she hasn't been around a baby in awhile that could be a source of her tension. (Things have really changed since my MIL had children and we had some issues when my kids were born because of that.) I know several hospitals around the city offer a grandparenting class that teaches a little about baby care and issues related to that. Maybe she'd be interested in attending something like that to help her brush up on the latest style or skills?

Otherwise, time will help. My advice is to be sure to keep the communications open between you and her so she knows how you like to do things with the babies, from feeding, to diapering, to bathing, etc. That way she knows your boundaries and I think she might feel more comfortable in the long run. It's tough sometimes dealing with MIL if you don't have a great relationship or if she has a strong sense of what you should be doing. Hopefully things are good between you so given a little time, everyone will relax a bit more (babies included).
Good Luck!

I think maybe the babies pick up on your tension when she holds them, too. I don't see any reason to leave your babies with anyone when they are so young, but have her over, let her hold them, and just resist the urge to rescue them for at least a few minutes. They are okay, you know they are okay, and maybe stepping back will help them realize that they are okay, too. It probably makes her more tense with you hovering and freaking out about it, too. They will get used to her.

How do they do with other adults? I know mine went through the phase where they only knew their main caregivers and wanted NO ONE else.
Give it time. If they know you or your husband are there they will want you everytime. Take advantage of the help. Sounds like your MIL truly cares and with time they'll be begging for her.

it'll get better, like you said she's not much of a infant person so she's nervous and the babies are picking up on that, it could also be that her voice scares them--as a small child we had a friend of the family whose voice was very loud and boisterious it always scared me. They just need more time together so they are both comfy with each other. Good Luck.

Honestly, this is just a newborn thing. My daughter would not let my HUSBAND pick her up at all for what seemed like months. I pumped breastmilk so he could feed her and she would not even take a bottle from him. I agree that if the person is nervous or apprehensive, babies pick up on it and become stressed themselves. My husband had never really even held a new baby, so it was understandable! DON'T leave your baby with someone they are this fussy with. I mean, why do that to them? You'll spend the whole time sweating over whether or not they are bawling, the babies will be miserable, and she will likely be worn out within an hour. Not worth the fuss. All you can do is keep encouraging her to pick them up, help change them, rock them, etc., and let them get over this. If it is not better at 6 month- -WAIT LONGER! It is nothing personal, I assure you! My daughter later went through a stage where Daddy was her favorite, and I was chopped liver! They will come around, but don't force it. good luck.

Hi J.,

Congratulations on twins! Without knowing all the variables...it's hard to comment accurately. Many of your posts have touched on great ideas. After re-reading your request I had to laugh when you said after telling your MIL that you weren't comfortable leaving the little guys with her alone for a while and that she took it well. I WOULD TOO! If anyone told me that they didn't feel comfortable leaving me ALONE with their TWINS... I would be RELIEVED! HA WHEW! I also can't help but feel sorry for her too...because she wants to help and wants to love them and be with them and she has raised (at least one child...your husband) children of her own. As a mother of three myself...I'm guessing it's a combination of all kinds of things, including your 'newness'. First time moms are hyper-sensitive to all sorts of things, with each subsequent birth you loosen up a little more each time. So long as you trust your MIL's mental capacity and physical ability to offer love and nurturing care...give her some space and support to find that special place with the little guys. My MIL was an RN and came to help with our third born son in Canada. He absolutely HATED his baths with her. She wasn't doing anything wrong - he just hated it. She had bathed who knows how many babies in her years of hospital work and three children of her own. I knew she wasn't hurting him in any way and was kind of afraid that he was just not a water baby, yet when she left and I was the 'bather'...he loved it! Go figure! My second child wouldn't take his last bottle of the evening from anyone but me. My husband tried EVERY SINGLE NIGHT - he really wanted to spend that time with him giving him his bottle, but # 2 only wanted mom and would stop crying immediately when I took him. (to my husband's great frustration!) So, babies come here with minds of their own and preferences. My advice? Careful of what you say to your MIL because your twins will only be newborns for a few more weeks, but she will be their grandmother for her entire life and you want to nurture those relationships. Encourage her and maybe offer hints on what they really like. Trust me, if your babies can learn to be happy with a variety of people, it will be easier on you and them in the long run. If you constantly rush to their 'rescue'...what message is that giving them? That you also think they are in danger! And, you don't truly believe they are in danger. It's just like later on when you take them to the church nursery, or anywhere else similar...if you communicate that you trust where you are leaving them...they'll be fine. But, if you hem and haw and prolong the 'goodbye', etc. they will think you really don't trust that they will be in good hands and they will have a miserable time and so will you. You want your children to be adaptable - throughout their lives. Breathe, smile, and relax! Much luck!~!