Too Much of a Child Coming Over...

Sounds like you have said and done all you can. If you don't want to be bothered don't answer the phone or the door. Most people will see this as what it is.

I agree with Amanda! Obviously these people are losing something in what you are saying - and you've said the same thing a million times!!! Time to stop talking and take action. You might want to start having your boys kick him out. They can tell him that you don't allow visits anymore. Sometimes kids listen to other kids. Definitely keep the doors locked and disable the door bell. Best of luck! You are in a really hard position.

I feel for you. It almost sounds as if you're being stalked. I'm at risk of sounding a little harsh in what you might try. If you don't have chains on the doors, get them and use them so you don't have a 7 am visitor. If you don't have an answering machine, get one and use it to screen your calls. If you can't handle the pressure of constantly being called regardless of the answering machine, change your number and explain to the phone company that it must be unlisted. You don't say much about your boys' father. Is there some chance he could step in and talk to the intruding neighbors? Or if he can't, is there another male friend/relative you could ask?
Bottom line, I think if they continue to intrude and harass, file a police report. If you find the kid broke into your house again, he is trespassing. He has been warned not to do that, his mother has been warned that he shouldn't be doing that, so you are within your rights as a homeowner to call the police.
Not knowing anything about this boy, but he's old enough to follow instructions and he's getting too close to the age where he could be dangerous to you and your sons.
Good luck. I hope this works out. It's not going to be easy but you must stick to your guns with this. You need to protect yourself and your children.

It sounds like you did 'blow your lid.' Try venting your frustrations on the childs mother and not the child. Its not his fault his mother is putting him off on you. You never say how old he is, but im sure it is not pleasent for him to know his parents dont want him around. He probally feels safe at your house which is why he wants to be there. Imagine how this poor child feels, his mom doesnt want him and now he finds out that he is not welcome in your home. You need to talk to the parents and apologize to the poor child. If you are concerned that he is being mistreated, call social services. Maybe he could find foster parents or someone who will care about him.

Hey J.,
First sorry that you are dealing with health problems and then have extra stress added on top of that. I think you may have to just use your mommy skills on him much in the way you do with your own children. Like if you find him at the house uninvited you could say, "Hello young man, I don't think you have permission to be over right now, let's get you back home." Then walk him to the door and tell him to call or come by and ask permission after whatever time you think appropriate. That way you are disciplining him without anger and telling him what the expectations are. If he comes again or calls too early etc. you can tell him that today it's not going to happen because he wasn't able to follow procedure but he is welcome to try again tomorrow or whenever you decide is ok. It seems from you post he has not had a good example of what boundaries are and is therefore in-adept at keeping them. As he starts to improve you could show him approval by saying how nice it is to see him when he comes over when invited or after asking permission, that will make him feel good and want to follow the rules more. As far as him coming so early etc, I think if he were to do that again I would remind him that I asked him not to do that and therefore he is not invited over the rest of the day and he can try again tomorrow etc, that way he will face some consequence to his action. If he were to come over again, I would take him to his parents and let them know what he did and that he is welcome to try again tomorrow to call or ask to come over at a decent time, and say what that time is, but today is off limits because he was not respectful of your family schedule. This should cause the parents some slight embarrassment and hopefully cause them to corral their child. If you could avoid too much emotion or frustration it will be helpful because he will know what is expected of him without thinking he is a bad kid or worse that he is getting to you and breaking you down and closer to getting his way. If you have to ground him from your house for a time etc, don't worry, let his parents know and stick to your guns. With a little firm but loving discipline he may turn out to be a great friend to your boys and learn how to have healthier boundaries in future relationships. Good luck!

This is not a "manners" issue. This is irresponsibility on the part of this child's mother. She is lucky that the person she has sent her child to thus far (you), has been a caring individual. She, and her children, may not be so lucky in the future.

And, if she sends her child to you without prior arrangement, and you are unable to reach her, this is flirting in a big way with child abandonment. My suggestion is to call the police, and see what they tell you about the issue. I know there is a certain point before which the police cannot become involved, but they can advise you on what that point is. (Even the threat of police may make her back off a bit - no one who shares custody of their children wants police involved with parenting issues.)

In the meantime, lock your front door, disable the doorbell (especially since you don't want anyone to ring it for your dogs' sake, anyway), and get a lock for your gate.

Wow J.! You certainly have gone above and beyond being a good neighbor! They are blessed by your care and concern. However, some people will absolutely soak up all you have to give and demand more. I also agree that preset boundaries will give you peace of mind and a structure to follow. Why don't you look at your family schedule and come up with days and hours that work for you. Then go speak with the mom and let her know that her son is welcomed in your house these days and these hours. Let her know that if he shows up outside of these days/hours then he will be asked to go back home.

In a sort of similar situation, I did this with a neighbor adding that I really missed time connecting with my children and that our schedule was crazy and they needed "down time". It has worked like a charm. Everyone, including my kids, knows what to expect and that brings much needed structure to our play time.

Best Wishes, K.

If he comes over when you would not like him at your house, send him home! If he rings your bell at 7AM, then call his mother at 7AM and let her know that she needs to teach him manners. It's as simple as that. I'm sure there will be times when it is OK for him to come over and play, but when you've had enough, send him home. The day that your boys needed to spend time with his father, you should have just sent him home. You can't just set limits you also need to enforce them.

Good luck!

J., if I was in your shoes I would feel the same way. Your neighbors are definitely overstepping boundaries. Say no & don't feel guilty about it.(I'm actually reading a book right now called "I say no & I feel guilty). If he shows up & you are busy send him home. If you are in the bathroom & can't get the door, then have specific rules in place for your kids that they can't let anyone in without you saying its ok. Set up a schedule that works for you when he can come over, maybe twice a week (specific days) for an hour & 1/2 or whatever works for you. If he shows up any other times, send him home & don't feel guilty about it. Sorry today is not the day you can come visit. Eventually he will get it. It is very fustrating how other people raise their children & there isn't a lot that we can do about it. However you can decide how you respond instead of reacting to them overstepping boundaries. Sounds like you are a very giving person. Give what you can & feel good about it. Sometimes we can't give what others will try to take from us. I hope your health issues get better. Hang in there!

Good luck & God Bless!

I don't mean to over-simplify your situation, but I think that you should certainly let the mother know that you will not allow her son to hang out with your family at certain times. Example: If he happens to knock at the door at 2pm and you are in the mood, then he can hang out, but he's got to leave at 4pm. If he shows up at any other time, you and your family will simply ignore him. Period. All you can do is act on the boundaries that you set. Once you inform him and his mother, it's their fault if they forge ahead with ignoring you. They open themselves up to having their feelings hurt (at the least) or even having the police or child welfare services involved. That is their call to make, if they refuse to respect your boundaries.

What does he do when you tell him no and that he may not come in? He is old enough to know better. Maybe he is in such need that he has latched on and feels "at home" with you, that sense of security that every child needs. That's great if your family offers that, but not at the expense of your peace.