I could use some help. I have two girls aged 5 and 8 and I just had a son who is a little over a month old. We have been having trouble with our neighbors and it is starting to make me loose my mind. We have been friendly with our neighbors across the street they have three teenage boys and then a 4 and 3 year old daughters. Our kids would play occasionally but it has become and everyday thing. When I first had my son the first week home always crowded with visitors but my neighbor came over everyday. One time she came over and we were sitting down for dinner. She came in and said oh are you having dinner well don't mind me i just want to see my boyfriend and scooped my son up out of his pack n play and sat on my couch as we all were at the table eating dinner. Now her little girls are crossing the street knocking on my door several times a day everyday asking to play with my girls. Of course if we are busy I turn them away by they doesn't end the annoyance of it. They have interrupted several dinners and my husband or myself has to leave the table to send them away and they are waiting outside for when I get home with my oldest daughter from school. And we have a rule that homework is done before anything else. Then they come over and are always asking for food. We tell them to go home and get snacks because we don't let our kids junk out all day everyday. These kids eat non stop all day. Then they bring food over here and leave their garbage all in our yard. I have a new baby and have to watch these other kids every day and it's driving me insane. They came over here one day I let them inside since it was raining and the youngest one found paint and gor it all over the living room carpet and its stained even after rug scrubbing several times . Did I mention we rent our house. So no more inside. Our kids like to play with them but the four year old is very bossy I have seen her throw tempter tantrums because my kids don't play the way she wants them too. So my kids get upset and come in and complain about her. Then the other day I heard the 4 year old screaming at a group of boys and calling them shitheads. Then just today my oldest daughter had a friend from school come over for a play date and then of course the neighbor girls came over knocking on the door so I let them in and my kids were upset at first because they always come over and then the neighbor kids mom came over and told me she didn't know the girls left the house. And the 4 year old brought a purse over that had her moms car keys in it. (Which they play in their moms car I have seen) I told her the kids were safe here and next time they come over here I can text her to make sure she knows and she replied with don't bother the kids always take my phone and I loose it or they play on it until it goes dead. I'm starting to feel like a babysitter and kind of like these kids are not the best influence for my girls. I already decided my kids are not allowed to play over their house becAuse it seems like there is no supervision over there. I am a smoker so I will go outside on my front porch to smoke and I hear these little girls across the street still awake screaming playing inside their house at 1 am! At what point am I being taken advantage of here? And I don't want to start a war with the neighbor. She has dropped off little outfits for my son. But that's not saving my sanity or our family time. It's enough to wrangle my girls with a newborn but to also have two other kids who are not mine and need to be watched. I'm hopelessly lost. The kids come over and we have so many rules. Which is fine it's my house if you want to be here follow our rules but it's to the point we don't let them inside they can play outside. Then we are telling our kids to play outside because when they come on the neighborhood kids follow. Be it if my kids want a drink or to use the bathroom. The neighbor kids come in asking to use our bathroom or for snacks. We started telling them to go home and use your bathroom. Because they come in our bathroom and pee on the floor or get soap everywhere or are knocking our toothbrushes all over the ground. But then I feel bad because a 4 and 3 year old are crossing the street by themselves and I feel they are too young for that. But my husband said if their parents don't care if they cross the street then why should we? I don't run a daycare service. Half the time I want to just be away from home as much as possible. This is affecting my life too much and I hate to be the bad guy but I'm ready to loose my cool.
Hey everyone. Thank you all so much for your thoughts, opinions, and advice. I have always been a kind person. Too kind for my own good, especially with children. When our kids first started playing I was by no means aware that things were going to go down to where they are at this point. My plan is to kindly address their mother saying that things we are busy and hate to have to send their kids away so often so please text or call before you send the kids over. I also plan to drop a line in there saying that this will be good that way I know she knows where her kids are opposed to them just coming across the street without them knowing. (Which has already happened twice). I am hopeful this will allow a civil understanding. My husband carries a worries about this being rude or her being offended but I'm trying to tell him we need to take care of this now because it will not get better on its own. I understand the sign idea green means ok to play and red means no playing but I don't want to promote the girls crossing the street. And they are too young to listen to what we say as just yesterday they asked if my girls could play today and we had said no they have a dance rehearsal. Then I bring my daughter home from school and they are standing outside asking to play and I reiterated not today my girls have a dance rehearsal. Then we get home at 7:30 and they are peaking out the door yelling out asking yet again if my girls could play and we said no they need to get baths then go to bed. So I'm talking to the mom (once my husband tells me what he feels is the best way to word it. I mean him and I are a team so his opinion matters to me) but if that doesn't work by telling the mom to call or text before sending them over then I will just keep sending the girls away and probably resort to telling the kids they are not allowed over unless our girls come over to get them. It baffles me that adults can be so senseless in thinking of sending a three and four year old over someone else's house every day. People just don't seem to have the common sense thinking that is so obvious. I worry for those girls and trust me when I tell you they are not starving. They eat ALL day. So me having to give them food because they really are hungry is not the case. They are over fed kids. I'm not trying to sound snooty or better. I help people in need I always have. But I'm getting too old to be walked over. I just want to avoid this turning ugly if at all possible thank you all again.
Start putting a note on the door:
Kids are napping
No knocking baby asleep
We are having dinner
Homework time
etc.
When they knock, smile and point to the note
They are overstepping boundaries big time.
Why do you feel obligated to answer YOUR door during YOUR family time?
If you don't have a lock on the door, get one and use it. Don't let the baby gifts guilt you either.
You can choose to use your backbone or be a doormat.
That mom has you pegged as a weak spine she can manipulate.
You are not responsible or obligated to her children, you have your own family.
I'm sorry but sometimes to achieve peace, you have to be the bad guy.
You are in charge of what happens in your house. Make some rules based on what you need. Write them down. Discuss them with your neighbor.
You are not responsible to make your neighbor happy. You are responsible to take care of yourself and your children. Your neighbor and her children intrude on your space. You set the boundaries.
Been there.
It's hard. Some people are clueless. We had neighbors who just think of themselves and don't consider how they affect others. So that's why you have to be firm and set boundaries.
How are these people coming into your house when you are having dinner? Why invite them in? Can you not say "Sorry - we are having dinner?"
Not being judgmental here. I have a neighbor who actually would walk into our house without knocking. And when you're frazzled with a baby and kids it's hard to get it together enough to deal with overbearing people. I found the same.
But from this day forward, you just say "Sorry, now is not a good time you have to go home". Or don't even say sorry - "Girls, not today, you have to go home". Whatever you are more comfortable with.
Don't be stressed out during your baby's first year - you will regret it. So just be firm - and do what's best for you. If she comes by to complain you just say you don't intend to be mean - you are just doing what works for you and your family.
She may be angry and react - that's how people who don't respect boundaries tend to be. But she may respond well. Don't worry about how she will respond - do what's right for you.
Good luck and keep us posted :)
Sounds miserable. While you can't do anything about the parenting style or lack of discipline over there, I think you can tell the parents that your girls are in school and have homework, and that you have a newborn and you are exhausted. Tell them you cannot supervise 5 children on a daily basis. Their children are just too young for your children, and there's been too much damage to the house already. You are cleaning paint off rugs, mopping up the bathroom floor, and picking up trash in the yard. So you say that, while you understand that they are too little to know right from wrong and that they are not reliably potty trained, you do not have enough time to teach them these things while you are dealing with an infant and 2 kids who need you. You're sorry but they are going to need to stay home unless and until you are rested up enough to invite them over specifically.
As for being there are dinner, you send them all home - including the mother. You can't let her in (I know that can be tough) but if she lets herself in, I think you have to say, "Sally, we need some boundaries here. This is our dinner time and I must ask you to give us this time as a family."
I agree the kids shouldn't be playing in the car or crossing the street, but your only option there is the police or CPS. And yes, the kids shouldn't be swearing at anyone, but I think it's likely that your kids have already heard that language at school, so you can't protect them. You can only discipline them for using the same language. I think the only place you have control is your own house.
You don't have much of a friendship here to save, so I don't think you can waste any more time worrying about the effect it will have. Say no.
They are reaaallly little. It's kind of shocking that their mom lets a 3 and 4 year old cross the street alone without her. And do their own thing without an adult. This is the biggest problem. They do not have proper parenting. But you cannot control that. They are going to come over whether you like it or not if their mom is not keeping tabs on them. Yes, tell her to text first (so you can text back no, not a good time). It is not mean to set boundaries. It is not mean to say no. Maybe pick one afternoon a week they can ask to come over...say only Sunday or Saturday afternoon. Ask them to text or call first. Any other time is an automatic no. You have to do something here! Good luck. If a 3 year old is crossing the street over and over, peeking in windows, running around without an adult...I don't know...I would be tempted to call CPS. Definitely tell the Mom you are EXTREMELY uncomfortable that a 3 and 4 year old are doing this ALONE. Tell her it is very worrying to you that kids this young are doing this. That they are knocking on your door, peeking in windows, asking for food, crossing the street alone. Tell her this really is making your family uncomfortable and concerned for their safety...plus it is very disruptive to your family. A 3 year old is so young...often still in diapers. Both these kids need an adult with them at all times. TELL her this. She needs to hear it. Don't worry about offending her...it would be good to shock her a little bit. Please do this and let us know how it goes.
Original: If it were me I would make a little sign of some kind that is out front maybe on the mailbox. I'd tell the girls when the sign shows a green light they are allowed to come see if your kids can play. But if it shows a red light it means Nope, do not come over. I would also tell them the rule at your house is that the kids need to all play outside in the yard....no playing in the house. The other rule is if they need to use a bathroom or get a snack/drink they go to their own house for that. Make them follow these rules and it will give you some peace. These little kids have no boundaries and it sounds like they have very little rules in their own house.
When the girls knock just say that now is not a good time. My girls will come get you when they want to play. And just keep repeating this as much as necessary. They don't need reasons. When your girls have friends over, or homework, or baby is napping or you just don't want them around repeat the above. Keep sending them home for snacks, bathroom etc. You need to set boundaries for you and your daughters' sanity. Setting boundaries is not being the bad guy. It's just avoiding being taken advantage of.
You need to talk to your neighbor and set boundaries. Start with the positives - my kids really enjoy playing with yours and you've been so sweet to us since the baby was born. Then, establish the boundaries - let her know that your kids must finish their homework first, so they aren't allowed to play before 4 p.m. (or whatever time) and can she please make sure the girls don't come knocking before then. Also, tell her what time dinner is and say that family dinnertime is really important to you and you can't have visitors after 6 p.m. (or whenever you normally eat).
Finally, tell her you're feeling very overwhelmed and sleep deprived and that cleaning up after your own two is hard enough without having friends in the house too. Tell her that they can only play in the yard, or that they can invite your kids over to their house (if you're ok with that), but you're just not up for having them inside right now. Say that you hope to be feeling more like yourself in a few months but that you just can't handle it now.
Don't worry about them crossing the street - if their mom lets them do it, then it's not your problem. Don't worry about the 4 year old being bossy - your girls can stand up for themselves
Finally, make sure you lay out the new rules for your own daughters so they stick to it, too.
You really have no choice but to confront the mom. You can't reason with the 4 or 3 year old. They are too young to understand and follow your directions (sounds like they don't listen to their own mother, why would they listen to you)? You are going to have to talk to the mom and accept the fallout. But honestly, wouldn't your life be a lot more peaceful if they all ignored you? And I would think about contacting cps before one of those kids get hit by a car crossing the street by themselves. Way way too young for that!
I hate to say this, but you are partially at fault here. You keep letting these kids in your home and in your yard. WHY? Just stop!
Try ONE TIME with the mother. Tell her that you can no longer have her kids over. It's too much for you and you are done. If that doesn't work, call social services.
I know that's harsh, but the mother is not watching her kids. You are. And you don't have to be. Get your backbone where it needs to be and don't allow it.
There is no way to not "have a war" with your neighbors when you stop being a doormat.
Invite the mom over for coffee and explain to her you need you space to bond with the new baby. It is okay if her kids come over to play but they need to call and ask before they come over and they need to follow YOUR rules while at your house. You will have to explain the rules to her.
If you honestly think the kids are not being watched or taken care of properly call the police or CPS. Tell them what you are seeing and the kids are crossing the street alone as preschoolers. I think they are too young also.
Nip this in the bud NOW. I own my home and for 15 years I have lived next to the most annoying family. I have called the police on their son, 12 when we moved in, at least once a week for years, one time twice in one day. No supervision, drug problems, vandalism, on Christmas night he, now age 27, threatened to harm himself and barricaded himself in his room. I am sitting here relaxing trying to watch a movie and all of a sudden there are police all over the place. The street was blocked at both ends, the police are going in in riot gear, I have a cop standing in my yard... it was a nightmare. It took several hours they finally talked him down and took to the hospital. Then I get yelled at for asking what is going on. Now last week I had to call the cops again because he was tossing fire crackers after 10 PM and scaring my dogs. Again I have several cops all over the place and the kid spends about an hour yelling at the cops telling them they are corrupt bla- bla - bla ...
Make the police and social services do something about these kids now.
I mostly agree with Kaseyirv's and Mel's responses too. She makes good suggestions on how to establish boundaries in a friendly way. The only other thing I want to add is that you in fact ARE part of a village right now and although that doesn't make these kids "your problem" exactly, it sounds like they are coming from a very hectic/unbalanced/possibly violent home. Show kindness and patience to them. Perhaps they really ARE hungry. Offer them healthy foods and if they eat it, then feel good that you know they got something to eat that day.
I know you have a newborn and I'm sure, like all of us, your patience levels fluctuate day to day! I don't mean to make it sound so easy in my response, because of course it isn't and there will be days you aren't very nice because you're frustrated or tired or whatever, so establish boundaries but don't forget that they are in fact just kids. You are modeling a good family environment, structure, empathy and kindness and that helps everyone in a community because some day these kids are going to grow up and work and have kids of their own and hopefully they can remember that you were always kind to them.
I like KaseyIrv's response. I'd especially emphasize with the mom that your daughters are now school-aged and the older one at least has homework EVERY weekday, and I'd say that you're doing a new schedule where they only play X amount of time each day because (1) homework is their priority and (2) you and your husband are starting a new family schedule so you all have time with each other and with the baby. "If Sally and Sarah want to play, give us a call first rather than sending them over. It's likely that weekends will be better for playing from now on."
She likely will say, "Oh, but in the summer they can see your kids all the time when school's over!" You need to be able to set her expectations for summer as well, along these lines: "I'm sure the kids will see each other in the summer too! Jenny has X camp some of the summer, and Jan has Y activity in the summer so even then let's be sure to phone first."
And then make it true -- you'll get more time with your new baby if your girls have some activities to go to in the summer, and you'll reduce the sibling summer fusses if the two older kids have some things to do outside the house.
I suspect this mom has no clue about what it's like to have kids who are school-aged since hers are younger. And she also is not supervising well -- you are right NOT to let your kids play over there, especially since it's clear she lets them play in the car (which is basically asking for a disaster to happen) and she lets them roam without an adult's eye on them at the ages of just four and three.
Don't answer the door if you're eating. Period. Ever. Don't answer it if your kids are busy. I know we want to be nice and answer, but just don't, if you are occupied!
When we brought our son home from the hospital my husband disconnected the doorbell for 6 weeks.
I think you need to be very firm here.
You say you're tired and adjusting to the new baby and it will be a long time before you (or your family) will be ready to be social again and say you won't be accepting visits from them until you invite them - and you don't know when that will be.
Then EVERY TIME they come over un invited you tell them to go home - as in "Get off my property or I'll call the police!".
I got over feeling bad over being 'the bad guy'.
I've yelled at door to door salesmen for bothering me.
I've literally had dinner cooking, the baby crying, trying to run up and down stairs getting laundry going when the door bell rang - and I jerked it open and yelled "WHAT?".
Hey - you can blame it on hormones and get away with quite a lot - so just get over trying to BE nice to people who are walking all over you.
Wow, 4 and 3 coming over on their own !? At those ages, That crosses the line and creates an obligation for you to supervise them. I remember once my neighbor across the street had a bunch of her friends over and one of the friends had a 2 year old that came across the street with a 5 year to my house to play with my (older) daughters in our front yard. I was sitting on the front steps so I'm sure the adults across the street felt confident it was fine, but then the 5 year old left, and I had to go in and start dinner. MY kids were old enough to trust in the yard by themselves, but I had to explain to my neighbor and her friend that I could not allow the 2 year old to play in my front yard because I was not available to watch her. And my child was far from old enough or responsible enough to supervise. Sorry, but I was NOT going to be responsible if that 2 year old ran in to the street or got hurt. They totally understood. I think they just assumed I would be "watching" or they just really trusted their toddler with a lot more freedom than I was comfortable with. If the child was 8, and I could be in and out while doing dinner prep, that would be fine, but 2? Sorry, no.
I agree with the "no neighbor kids in the house" rule because they are so young and have created such a mess for you. It's really not fair, at all. I think that's a fairly common rule for neighbor friends. Those girls are SO young. I think you have to gently tell them, they can ring the bell and politely ask if your girls can "come out to play," but if you are busy (with dinner or other friends or they are just not feeling up for playing) they will have to accept no for an answer this time, and respectfully go back home until at least the next day.
Make sure your kids have the power to say no, politely, if they don't want to play just because the neighbors are right there asking.
Do you have locks on your doors? Use them. That way the kids and the mom can't just come in. If the mom takes your child out of the pack and play say something and take your child back.
Since the children are younger than yours, you are not responsible for them playing outside. Have your kids play with kids their own age with play dates. Undo the door bell so that it does not ring all the time.
If mom asks why they haven't played together lately tell her that you are busy with your baby and keeping your house in order. Just because you live on the same street does not make your best buds. Should you feel that her children are not being cared for properly there is CPS and the police to take care of that. How long do you plan to rent this house? That will be how long you will be dealing with this family so make it clear which way you want to go with it.
Good luck to you.
the other S.
PS It is not your responsibility to raise her kids. It's hers. You are not part of her village at this time in life.
I think that they have no way of knowing that it's too much for you if you don't tell them. You can do it politely, but it has to be firm and because the kids are so young, the parents have to be in on the conversation.
I would either find a sign to put out to let them know when it's ok to come over or tell the mom you need her to call to make sure it's a good time before sending the kids over. Then, if the sign isn't out, or if the mom doesn't call first, don't answer the door.
And I have to say, I have been there on the other side. When I was about 10, a new family moved in. Their daughter and I hit it off as friends. My family was very casual, and I would just knock on her door to play because that was acceptable at my house. After a few stop-ins, her mom nicely told me that they would prefer if I called first. I'll be honest, I thought it was odd because my own house didn't operate that way. But, I did it and it didn't stop the friendship - that girl and I are still friends so many years later. So, proof that if you are firm but kind with your boundaries, it doesn't have to start a neighborhood war.
Don't answer the door if you are having dinner or don't want them there. It might get annoying having to listen to the doorbell, but eventually they will go away if you ignore it. Tell them that if the red ribbon is hanging on the door knob that they can't come to play. You will probably also need to talk to their parents. Tell the mom that during meal times, homework time, baby's nap time, etc. that they cannot come over. You might have to be the "mean neighbor" to get it to stop.
I would tell them " hi! With a smiley face, we need our family time here a lot more. Use a tone like your upbeat and happy- kinda like talking to a friend like " hey, you know how it is, we need to spend time together with family,, girl!" I did that with my sons friend that did this. I just talked to him like this ain't no big thing. They get into a lot of arguments too- I also say to my son and the boy " if people spend time together as much you guys do people do get annoyed with eachother- its natural. and there needs to be space- you guys will talk and play soon again. The boy didn't get his feelings hurt or mad.Do the same with the mom too. ! I never had to do that but I think that should work. If they don't take well to that then that's when u lock doors and have a not a " Hey Girl!" talk. About the food issue- if u still are having them over and they want snacks and food say " hey,! You can go home and get snack real quick!! Happy tone and Smiley face- see what their responce is- if they just say but we like your snacks better joke around and say but we need this food tell your mom you like " goldfish" ( whatever it is). But if they say something like we don't have food then check into that since they do stay up at all hours And run the streets
You are going to have to be the bad guy because your neighbor is being a lazy overstepping neighbor. Besides you aren't being bad for setting healthy boundries for what works for your family. Start off by locking your door so that neighbors and kids can't just walk in. You can choose to answer the door or not without being rude. Just because someone shows up unannounced doesn't mean you have to be inviting and host them.
Tell your neighbor that things are crazy at your house right now because of the new baby and you love having the kids visit to play but its happening way too much. Let her know that you are overwhelmed and would prefer that she call before letting the kids come over so you can let her know if its a good time or not. If they show up unannounced then its automatically not a good time. Period.
I'm very concerned about them crossing the street alone. Too many bad things can happen; getting run over, getting taken by someone who stops on the road while they are waiting to cross. Very dangerous situation. Have you spoken about that to the parents?
