Is This Okay and How Do I Set Boundaries?

First it is not fine just because they are over 18.

I have the safe house or I did until my older two got places of their own. If they won't call their parents don't get involved and def don't take them in! Even when there is something scary going on they should call their parents. It is not like an abusive parent is going to bust down your door and prove they are an abusive parent.

The kids that are having serious issues will call their parents. The kids that ran away because mom or dad wouldn't let them spend the night with their boyfriend Saturday won't call their parents because mom will be on your door step calmly telling you why junior ran away.

Just from what I read here you are not the safe house you are the door mat. Stop doing that.

This isn't a matter of legal rights, this is a matter of enabling children to manipulate their parents. Think about whether you would want your kids to do it to you? You set down the law so they go to another friends house to get their way?

If you have adults living in your home, you can insist that they find a job, a place to live, and get out in a certain period of time.
As for the younger ones....
You obviously have the "safe house".
If a teen shows up, you tell them they have to call. If they don't, YOU CALL their parents. Tell the kids they can stay overnight one night, but that they will go home to their parents in the morning.
End of story.
LBC

You need some house rules, it is YOUR house after all. Rules about asking for permission, who can and cannot stay, where they can stay, how long they can stay, paying for food, doing chores to help clean up after, etc. From your other posts it sounds like you worry a lot but don't actually set boundaries. I find it easier to have strict rules and then be loving, than to let everything slide and then have to be a b*tch.

i would tell them that they have to call their parent and tell them where they are at. or give you their number. i wouldnt allow teens to just come and go like that. i want the parents to know where their children are and i want to know who is in and out of my house.

So the thing is: despite their ages.... you ALL live there. That means, that if they want to wear their grown-up pants...then they must act, like a grown-up.
That means: that because this is a FAMILY home, and not their home... they must, realize that everyone has their own schedules/routines/moods/conveniences or not, about wanting to have guests or not.
AND, if they want to have guests over, then they need to make sure it is fine... with the others who are home. Or if the friends come over, then don't intrude or take up the whole space, because others exist in the house too. It being your, house.
It is called, being courteous, considerate, and respectful. And being grown-up.

You make rules.
Or make them pay rent or contribute to the whole house. Since ALL their friends are coming over, and probably going through the fridge and eating whatever is there, or having you make food for them etc.

You just tell them, what is allowed or not.
And if they don't want to even do what you expect and cannot be respectful, then you tell them to get their own place.

*I just read your SWH.
If the parents of the minor aged children, do not know WHERE they are... they can call the Cops and issue a missing child report. AND if you have their child, are you not harboring them? If your own minor aged child were missing... how would you feel? Wouldn't you be worried a hell of a lot?
Who knows what these kids' situations are with their parents & their "fighting" with their parents. You don't know that for sure? Regardless, a child is missing, the parents don't know where they are, and most parents would call the cops... or treat it as a runaway situation. But YOU know where their child is.

I make sure my older kids know that they have to at least inform me when friends are coming over that way I have the opportunity to say 'No' if it is not a good time for me....

....and as a Mom, I know that I would feel it my responsibility and obligation to inform the parents of any minor child (under 18, who ran to my house) of that child's whereabouts. Because if it were me and my child, I would want to know where my child is and that they were safe!

~So, even if the 16y/olds friends 'refuse' to call their parents, I think you should...just to give the other parents piece of mind!

I have raised 4 girlz & now have my 12yr old GD (whom we have had since she was 2months) & her 2 brothers, aged 13 &17...NO WAY am I going to let 2 boyz age 21 & 19 live @ my house now or before! I have, in the past allowed a friend of the girlz to stay 'over' if they were having a problem @ the moment with the parents,(BUT I had already talked to their parents, forgot to meantion that before 'editing' my answer, NEVER, NEVER allow an underage 'child' to stay w/o notifying the parents!) but not to live because I can only be 'on gaurd' @ the most for one night! Don't think for a moment that your DD & her friends are good girlz who wouldn't think of doing something stupid or that these young men wouldn't think of the same thing. Hormones are at a peak at ALL these ages!

As far as your DD's friends coming & going as they please...BOUNDARIES...RULES...YOUR home!!!!!!!!!!! Use that little word, 'NO!' and mean it, back it up!

AND...if I were you those young men (not boyz!) would be finding themselves somewhere else to stay like their OWN place, if they are old enough to get out of their parents home then they are old enough to take responsibility for themselves by working & paying their own way!

This, of course is just MY opinion but I feel it's not a misguided one, mama!

Hand him the newspaper and suggest he find an apartment. It's time for him to either move out and live the way he wants, or continue to follow your established house rules.

Hopefully you've had those all along and have exacted curfews (even for an adult child) and expectations. If he can't respect your wishes of no adult sleepovers (and why would you want that kind of stuff going on under your nose) he is definitely ready to leave the roost.

I think even your sons who are over 18 should have guidelines on when and how often their friends are over. It wouldn't really make any sense why they have free reign, but your 16 year old doesn't. It's your property, and you have to deal with people coming and going... they should all have some general respect for that, that your house isn't just a free for all for people to come and go as they please. So, set some boundaries for them, and then for your daughter, let her know that her friends are welcome, but that you need a heads up before people just swing by. I suppose yours is a safe house for all those kids! However, the parents need to know where the younger kids are... it could fall into legal troubles for you, and make those parent/child relationships even more strained.

OK -I've read your questions in reverse, so I'm asking why on earth you're letting all of these kids over 18 (and at least several in their 20s) live with you? Are they paying rent? Are your 24 and 22 year old sons living with you too? I'm sorry, but I find that ridiculous. They should all be out either in college or working or both. Your 24,22 and 19 year olds can get an apartment or house together and these other adult friends of theirs can move in with them and help pay rent. There's your boundary -guess what, you're grown -now go act like it!

If you don't think you're courting A LOT of trouble having a 16 year old daughter around with a bunch of guys in their late teens and early 20s, you're crazy.

You continue to call their parents and see if the friends have their parents' permission. It is not acceptable to expect that you will just go along with it. Making sure your daughter is safe and that her friends have their parents' permission is a good boundary.

I would be concerned that my daughter would start thinking she can just leave and stay with a friend anytime she wants to if you allow her friends to do so. And you would want those parents to call you. Provide them the same courtesy.

Hopefully you somewhat know your daughter's friends parents. If not I would start talking with them so that all the parents can cooperate in setting boundaries.

Sometimes it's helpful to have one's child stay with someone else for a day or two but I wouldn't allow them to stay longer than that. To do so is enabling them to run away from problem solving.

Technically, legally, if you don't notify their parents you are harboring a runaway. If for no other reason you have to call the parents to be sure that you're on legal ground. You can get in trouble if the parents haven't given their permission and choose to complain to the police.

my grown sons have friends over at all hours and overnights, but they check with me first as a courtesy. my husband has to get up at 3am to go to work, so everyone knows that whatever is happening, loudness is not an option.
so for starters, if you're okay with the older friends coming and going that's fine. but i don't think it's disrespectful to ask for a head's up, and reasonable veto power if you feel the family is getting over-run too often.
as for the younger girl, i agree with the other posters that it's awesome that your house, the space you've created, feels like such a haven to so many young people. good for you! but yes, i too would worry that the door is getting a little too revolve-y.
i think i'd have a conversation with your daughter in which you lay out your concerns, starting with age. 16 is plenty old enough to understand, even if she doesn't agree, that where minors are involved there have to be boundaries. and one of the rules is that all parents must be informed. if the kids are upset and don't want to call, then you can, but make sure your daughter and all of your nestling windblown chicks know that the parents WILL be told, and why you're doing it. it's not solely about legal ramifications (although they're significant!) but it's just the right thing to do. it's what we'd all want other parents to do for us.
if you're getting overwhelmed, then you have to put your foot down, a little more difficult to do, but necessary. again, 16 year old girls can be handfuls but they're not without reason and they do need to know clearly and up front what the boundaries are. you could make it a weekends-only thing, or emergencies-only, or no-more-than-once-a-month per kid, or whatever you think reasonable and can live with according to your situation. but you do get to set the rules. as for how, i'm not sure i understand the question. you talk to the kids, especially yours, frankly and clearly and compassionately. clearly this is already something you're good at.
khairete
S.

I would say that if the parents decided to press the issue they could call the police to have thier child physically removed from your home and that some sort of charges could be pressed.

So, I would tell the daughter that any time her friends wanted to come over like that they would have to be able to talk to the parents to let themknow there child is fine.

I would also know who my child's friends are then call the parents myself. No matter what.

How would you feel if you and your daughter had an argument and she walked out at 15-16 and you didn't hear from her for a day or two, or longer?

I'd be totally pissed off and want to press charges of any kind I could find if I were to find out she had been staying with a friend and the parents knew I had no idea where she was. I can guarantee I would contact an attorney.

Your kids are your world but that under age child is someone else's world too.

Tell the younger kids that the only way they can come is with their parents' permission.

If the younger ones refuse to contact thier parents... you need to. Or tell them they are welcome to stay here as long as your parents know where you are and give thier permission.

You could actually get in trouble if they contact the police and report them as runaways. You could get harvesting a runaway. Its not worth it for you and the parents deserve the respect of knowing where their children are.