I Need Support for Toxic In-law Relationships. I Just Need to Vent.

Oh T., I feel for you, family is tough. Why stress yourself, if you all don't get along take a breather you shouldn't be forced to be around people you don't care for even if it's your mother in law, life is too short to be unhappy and besides your children know when your stressed. You said your husband is a "mama's boy", does he take her side over yours? If so, I would remind him that he has a family and you are the woman he made a commitment to and his mom and sister in law make you crazy, it's not fair to put you in an uncomfortable situation, regardless of who it is, I have had many ups and downs with my in laws and my husbands attitude is, I am his wife my son and I are his family, no questions. I have always been a mommy's girl until I got married 4 years ago my mom had such a hold on me that it was putting a strain on my marriage. I have "cut" the strings myself, the reason I did this is because, life moves forward and I couldn't fight it anymore I am a wife and mom and I have a responsibility to my family, I have learned to have boundaries, and that this is my life and I can't make everyone happy, just the people who matter the most and more importantly people who make me feel good about myself and people who care about my feelings. I hope this helps. What I can tell you is that I don't have any I mean any DRAMA in my life, due to having boundaries..

If your husband & kids are going, then you need to be there. It sounds like you're currently in a no-win situation, but as others have said, stick to your ground and things will shake out eventually. My husband WAS a complete mama's boy when I met him, and his mother is a very strong personality, but I let him know before we got married that if it was going to work out between us, then he needed to be on my side in any and all stupid power struggles. He has done so marvelously, and in the 13 years that we've been married, we've been the horrible ones in the family (he's the oldest of 4 kids), and we've been the angels in the family who could do no wrong. Oddly enough, we really haven't changed anything during that time :) We've realized that no matter what we do, someone is going to be unhappy, but instead of worrying about that, we've just made sure that our happiness and the well being of our kids is our top priority, and we try to make others happy if we can.

As far as the holidays, I would recommend either going to your in-laws house for a short time as a family, or taking your family and running away (Sunriver is great) somewhere for a peaceful holiday. Keep in mind that if your kids grow up with only stressful holidays, there won't be nearly as many happy memories for them. DO NOT send your hubby & kids without you. If you go down that road, you're sending the message that your MIL is allowed to split you and your husband up, and that is what will eventually happen. Sit your husband down and tell him that he needs to be your advocate in his family, and needs to establish some ground rules. His mom is not allowed to treat you that way, or diminish you in any way in front of him. If they say something offensive, then HE needs to be the one to stand up and tell her that she's wrong. If he wants to have a happy marriage, he needs to grow a pair! ;)

As far as your sister-in-law, ignore her. Just think, her penance for being the way that she is that she has to be her! Eventually, her perfect life will implode. Do you watch Desperate Housewives? She's Bree, and we saw how well her kids turned out ;) "Perfect" lives don't stay that way. Realistic people who can admit that they have flaws and laugh about them, on the other hand, live happy but flawed lives. Keep in mind that your children are watching, and learning, from the way that you deal with their grandmother & aunt. You'll need to be able to look them in the eye and explain your choices when they're older.

Good luck!!

I think the best you can do is talk to your husband openly and honestly about how you feel. If he agrees that it is in the children's best interest to not be there, then maybe you guys could all plan a private Christmas vacation somewhere. If your husband disagrees and wants the kids there for the holidays, then you should suck it up and put on your best pretending face for the kids' sake. You don't have to visit with them like they are your best friends. You can be playing with the kids while the adults visit. In order to protect your marriage, I think you need to let your husband make the decisions and take the lead in this area.

You didn't elaborate on what kind of cruel behavior your MIL exhibits towards your children. If indeed she is cruel or abusive towards your children, you should keep them and yourself away from her. If she is good to your kids, it's time for you to suck it up and make nicey-nice with her. She's your family now, and for the sake of your kids and your marriage you need to be at least polite to your MIL and SIL. It doesn't mean you have to like them, but you should put on a pleasant face and do the obligatory holiday/birthday visits without getting into arguments.

Call your MIL and apologize for fighting with her in front of the family, and say that you'd really like to put it behind you. Then grit your teeth, smile, and make an appearance for the holidays.

Wow, this sounds really difficult! I suggest you find a good counselor you can talk with on an ongoing basis. It's often helpful to have someone "neutral" to talk with, validate you, and help you develop coping strategies. Also, maybe some books on boundaries would be helpful. There are many out there that a google search for "books healthy boundaries" or similiar will pull up. I'm sure the local library probably has books too. Best of luck!

Why do your only choices included blowing up or suffering through it? You can choose a completely different response. It's entirely up to you how you respond to your family's bad behavior, just don't sink to their level.

It's important for kids to know their extended family. Holidays can be a good time to spend a LITTLE time with relatives that are normall too hard to be around. Go for a couple hours, keep the conversations light and simple, avoid negative talk by walking away or changing the subject, pack your kids up and leave without a word if things turn nasty. Let your kids see the difference between you and your in-laws. Make sure there is a difference!

Wow. You sound like me. Lucky for me mine packed up and moved across the country 7 years back. It was still hard, because then they decided to not be part of our life at all. My brothers identical twin and his family moved with them and all I heard for years is how wonderful they are. The parents acutally went 3 1/2 years with out seeing any of us. Well, the tides have changed. I guess the other brother and wife have been fighting and who does the wife confide in...well the person she always thought of as her best friend. Unfortunatley for her the mom always takes the sons side so now my mother in law and sister in law are not talking. This has now lead to how my mother in law saying how wondeful I am and they have been out to visit 2 times in the last year...shocker I know. And they have been so nice. Make you sick nice. So why am I telling you this...hopefully to encourage you and let you know to just stand your ground and eventually the tides will turn. If you want to talk more and compare our horror stories just let me know. It is always nice to know there are others out there going through the same thing.

Keep your chin up and try not to let her get to you. I just decided to ignore mine completely one day. Of course, it is easier when they are on the other side of the country. ;)

D.

I say that if your kids are going you should go too so that you can protect them from any comments that are said to or around them.

It sounds like you'll live in the same town so that's hard however maybe it's time you and your husband start your own holiday traditions. You mentioned that your mother-in-law is cruel to your children. That is a good reason not to be there. Tell the in laws you made plans already.
Perhaps just go over there with your children for a few hours to say hi and make your appearance then you all have plans so you can't stay.
First of all talk to your husband about it and how hard it is. It's time for him to grow up and be there for you and his children.
I didn't have the greatest relationship with my late mother in law, but we didn't live in the same state and it made us start our own holiday celebrations, which are wonderful.

It is never fun to feel picked on, or left out. I think your momma's boy husband needs to stick up for you. Mom you may not like my wife but she is my wife and out of respect for me.... fill in the blank.. What I am shocked about is that she is petty enough to take out the disagreement on your children. If your husband won't stick up for you at least he should do is protect his kids. Have this discussion with him. Maybe it is a good time to set boundaries. What about start a new tradition and your imediate family do something different this holiday season.Good luck!!!

Vent away, old bean! I know exactly what you are talking about. But if your kids are going, you must go and protect them. Limit the amount of time you all spend there, if at all possible. Reward yourself big-time afterward. And know that there are plenty of us in the same boat.