Toddler Boundaries

J.
I totally understand how you are feeling I went through this with my now 14 year old son and guess what? He was diagnosed with ADHD. I am not saying this is what your son has but all I can say is try not asking more than he can do, because as parents we do not know all the facts of what is going on with our kids until a certain age.

One step at a time, reward him for his good behavior and work with stickers I am sure this is a great start.

Two things that i have done with my VERY active two year old.

The first is to put her in time out every single time I catch her doing something to someone else.

The second thing is to do it back to her. I was at my wits end because my two year old kept shoving binky’s into my 3 month olds mouth hurting her and making her scream. I tried time outs.. but she just didn’t' get it. Finally, out of desperation, i took the binky and shoved it into HER mouth hurting her a little. This did the trick. She now understood why I kept telling her not to do this. She has never done it again.

Since then I tried this with several other things that she does. – like poking and scratching the baby’s face… or shoving a bottle, hard, into her mouth… or bighting her sister or even hitting her sister. I never do it too hard… just hard enough to make a point. Every single time I have done this.. the behavior stopped immediately.

My theory is that she simply doesn’t understand that what she is doing hurts. Some of it is testing, of course b/c that’s what 2 year olds do – but much of it is just not realizing her own strength.

As a mom of 2 (4.5 yrs & 1.9 yrs.) and an experienced preschool teacher, I recommend you that reach out for some help to nip these behaviors in the bud. You might look into Early Intervention or go through your local public school system. An evaluation of his behaviors by qualified professionals will lead you in the right direction. It would be helpful to think as the parent of the more mellow child who is on the receiving end of your child's inappropriate behaviors. These ARE the emerging behaviors of a young bully. At his age, 2.9, you are obviously preparing him for his first large group experiences in a preschool setting, whether it be next fall or the following. Children at this age are generally self-centered little beings lacking empathy. But by this age, most children have had their own experience of being knocked down by another (whether it was accidental or not) and have experineced, usually through books or videos, the loud and sudden roar of a lion or grizzly bear. Each child has their own interpritation of the experience but, more often than not, the child does not liked getting knocked down - it is frustrating and it can hurt. A loud and sudden (and especially unexpected) noise can be jolting and scary - it can send that quick jolt of adrenaline through the body - envoking instant tears in a small tot. As the Mom, you should be vigilant in your attempts at preventing these behaviors BEFORE they happen, redirect his attention to some other thing or activity, and bring to his attention - each and everytime - how the behavior makes the other child feel (i.e. "bumping his/her body hurts him/her! Please don't hurt my friends" "growling is scary and it's loud, it hurts my ears! Please don't scare my friends.") Show that you value [the friendship of] the other children. Never assume that THEY are friends. I am guessing that some other children choose not to play with yours and make it a point to stay away from him. They would not consider your child their friend. I am speaking completely objectively and am not trying to hurt your feelings, however, these behaviors are concerning to any preschool teacher. I recommend that you make the point to him that these behaviors are simply unacceptable. You may tell him that if he can't play appropriately with his peers then he will not be allowed to participate in these group acitivities. Then, you need to show him EXACTLY what appropriate play looks like. If you feel more comfortable doing this in the privacy of your own home, then do so. Run, jump, sing, dance, build, paint, do whatever you do in your group play settings, and demonstrate what is appropriate and point out what is not, then redirect him to a more appropriate manner of play. It is going to take time, physical effort, and patience. It is going to be exhausting, but it is going to be rewarding as well. Please feel free to reply back directly if I can help more, and good luck.

I disagree with one post - I think it is wrong to allow different standards for boys than girls. The "boys will be boys" approach is saying that boys can't help themselves and it is a gateway to allowing other destructive or inappropriate behaviors going forward. I think, at 2.9, you cannot expect him to have empathy for anyone else. No, he has no idea that they don't like it, but you cannot expect him to learn this simply by talking to him. You can only show him that if he does a certain behavior, he is stopped by you. I agree with a time out, and then, as hard as it is, leaving the scene. He will lose play time every time he "bumps" someone - these are intentional bumps, as you explain it, and they must stop. He CAN learn that bumping means you go home, even if he doesn't understand the other child's feelings. I agree with another post that you can (and should) say that "that hurts my friends" or something similar, but you still have to take him away from the situation. And that doesn't mean that you go home and do another fun project or activity with him. He cannot get a payoff from this negative behavior. He is getting a payoff now - attention and a scared reaction to the growling - but it's a really negative behavior to allow to continue. It can lead to bullying even if it's not from a "mean place" now - most bullies do things to get attention, not necessarily to inflict pain. You need to find a strategy that is effective and which you can administer absolutely faithfully and consistently.

Its very simple everytime he does it time out and if he continues after the time out you leave.

Sorry J.. I disagree with the other responses. It sounds like he is being a totally normal not yet three year old. He is a boy in addition to that. You said he knocked kids down while playing. That is very different than going up and pushing them down. Don't expect more than he can do at his age. Redirecting is a good way to deal with negative behavior but this sounds pretty normal to me. As for the animal growls, you might try to get him interested in milder animals e.g cats, cows, pigs. Good luck.

J.
As a SAHM mom myself to a DD 3, who has had limited contact with other children her own age, I know what you are going through. She just doesn't know how to react/ act around other kids. They need to be in a situation often to learn the rules of social behavior. Kids who are in Daycare/preschool get these rules from an early age, but those that are lucky enough to stay home with their parents need more opportunities to behave socially.

I was a child who was at home with mom until I went to preschool at 5 and I know that socially I'm behind most even now. I want to get my DD into preschool before she needs to just for the social aspect of it, because she doesn't need the educational part, I give that to her at home.

My suggestion would be to put him in more social situations, start off with one playmate and reward him for good behavior. As he gets more well behaved in these situations let the group of playmates get bigger and keep rewarding for good behavior. Or get him into preschool where he can learn the rules of social behavior daily with a group of peers.