Toddler Backtalking

Something that has always worked well in our home is giving them a model of how they should be communicating. For instance, my son will make a demand of me while I am tied up doing something for my toddler. I then respond, "I am sure that what you meant to say was, "Mom, when you are finished getting that bottle for baby, can I have a drink?". I then ask him to repeat it back to me in an appropriate manner, literally copying the words and TONE that I have just givin him as an example. This gives me an opportunity to acknowledge that he is feeling frustrated that he has to wait his turn and to coach him with a better way to communicate with me. Unless he refuses to repeat his requests back in an appropriate manner...I don't spend much time hashing out what was wrong with the initial request. If he refuses to mimic back his request in the correct manner (which rarely happens), I then explain to him that it is unacceptable to talk to me that way (be specific about how they are talking) and that he needs to sit in time out and think about how to talk to me. At the end of time out, I reiterate the way he should have asked...ask him to apologize and ask me correctly. It has worked so well, that now if my son is back talking or being snotty, I can typically look at him, raise my eyebrow...and he back tracks. My son is now 5 and we started it when he was 3.

Good luck!

My 2.5 year old does this. I honestly don't think he understands when he is 'disciplining' me so i just try to watch my tone and watch how I say and do things but I also explain to him that I am the mommy and that I am in charge (not in those exact words but I am a bit to tired to go into further detail) when he is bossy, I just tell him the correct way to request things and remind him that he needs to be polite (does he even understand the meaning of that word?)and ask for things nicely. Then he usually correct himself and then we go from their. Its kind of funny! He does this to me, my husband and the grandparents that watch him regularly but I have not been told that he does this at school or anything. I also tend to think that when he does act like this that its his terrible two's toddler rebellion. He doesn't throw those uncontrollable screaming tantrums anymore but he does get "fresh" and I think its when he is tired, hungry or just needs extra love...so when he is acting like this I tend to not really battle him, just correct him, then give him hugs, attention and move on and it seems he snaps right out of it and is back to his normal self - which most often is a very helpful, polite, loving little boy. My mom actually suggested that one time - she said when he is really fresh just stop engaging it and give him a hug b/c he probably just needs a little love and attention. So my husband and I one saturday afternoon were actually have a major battle with him and I could tell it just kept going down a negative path so I stopped and said to my son - does someone need a hug and he stopped being fresh, looked stunned and said yes..we did a group hug and seriously all was well in the world after that. Sounds so ridiculous I know, but its true! I listened to my mom and she was right!

Just remember taht it is perfectly in keeping w/ your 21/2 yr old's stage of development; they mirror back to us what we do, how we do it and how we say it. THey mirror our communication. She doesn't cognizantly know that she is talking back or "fresh" or "inappropriately speaking to her parent in an "unacceptable" manner. She simply learns from what she witnesses and how she is spoken too.
It's hard at this age as we see what we do through our little one's behaviors. I have had to do my own reflective "time outs" to think back about how I've spoken to my toddler and can clearly see that he is repeating what I have or how I have spoken to him. THey too need to be spoken to respectfully; if they are given commands they become commanding in their communication. If we speak in an educational/instructional way they tend to speak back to us in this manner.
I have done more of the earlier when I am stressed, tired or impatient myself. ANd my toddler did the same when he was impatient, stressed or tired. They learn to handle stress in the exact same way we do. IT can be trying I know and especially w/ an infant to boot! Just give yourself patience and time to reflect how you are feeling to be in touch w/ yourself; your needs and your little one will soon start learning to do the same.
It really is in their behavior that "Do as I do and not what I say"; adage.

My daughter (2 years 3 months) will often tell me to STOP or "MOve your feet" or something very bossy-like. I will correct her by saying "Can you please move your feet mommy?" In a very nice tone and she'll repeat it. If she doesn't repeat it, I do not do it. Often if she doesn't do it, all I have to do is give her the look and she knows. I find that reminding her often helps her and then sometimes she'll surprise me and ask something in a very polite manner. I also change the tone of my voice...making it very high and excited sounding when asking her to change her tone or wait for a minute. Then when she uses 'nice words' and does something polite on her own without me prompting, I make a big deal about it.

S.,

I may be wrong but it sounds like your toddler is competing for attention. There is a new perosn in the house who is taking the attention that was previously given to her. This is probably why she is acting out. Any attention, even bad is better than none. Try having her help put with her little sister but make it sound like she is important by helping you. Set aside some time where it is just you and her spending time together. This may make her less demanding and bossy especially if she gets this way when you are with the baby.

Don't underestimate how much your 2 1/2 year old knows. They know more than you think. You just need to explain that you are the mommy and that you do what you know is best. She needs to know who's in charge. No, she won't know simple words like polite, but you can explain to her what it means and how to say things nicely. When you use words like polite, that is hard for them to know, but if you explain and give her examples how to talk to you then she'll get the hand. You may have to tell her more than once, but they know more than we think they do. Whenever I am explaining something to my boys, I also talk to them eye to eye level with them, not down at them. Also, I explain with examples and doing it so they understand that is how they are to act. BE CAREFUL, watch how you handle and talk too. They watch and imitate what they see and hear when we aren't teaching them. We are to try to do what we say to our children what they are to do. We don't want to contradict our word telling them what they are to do and we do totally the opposite. Now is the time to teach her and when she does something good, like you said she is a great helper, then praise her for those good things. Tell her that she was a great helping doing whatever it was. Mommy is sooo happy when you talk in a nice way to mommy. She'll get the hand of it. I learned something at a MOMs Bible Study yesterday. When our children have things like a leader personality but bossy, we can redirect and pray for them as well and how to go from bossy leader to a servant-like, Christ-like leader. It was good to hear that.