How to Control How Your Child Talks to You?

I would have to agree with Carrie. My daughter is 3 and has the tendency to sometimes yell at me. I have told her "You don't talk to Mommy like that" "You don't talk to people like that." and then will follow it up with "You say, Yes Mommy." That usually corrects the behavior (if it takes too long the threat of losing something corrects it quickly).

But you have to be consistent and do it every time with no fail.

Good Luck!

Try "Please say that again in a nice tone of voice." "Can you say that nicely please." Even my 2 year old gets it and gets tired of saying things twice and will do start you nice words the first time. My 9 old same thing. It will get better for awhile and bad again. When I am on it with the reminding when it first starts, they shape up pretty fast. Stick with the time outs when she is really bad. Teach the nice tone and saying things nice and hopefully you won't have to get to that point.

When my kids yell at me, I say in a VERY calm, quiet voice "I'm not yelling at you and you shouldn't yell at me". If they continue to yell, I use the same calm & quiet voice and basically say "I won't be able to listen to you while you are yelling. I'm not yelling at you so don't yell at me." If they want to hear what you are saying they are going to have to stop yelling. I also make sure to stay very calm and I usually keep doing what I was doing or I start an activity like washing dishes or picking up the house or something so they can tell by my response that their yelling isn't getting them anywhere.

I am not a believer of ignoring your kids, so that kind of strategy is something I would never do/have never done. With that being said, I have had to tell almost all my kids (and nephews) at one point and time to "watch their tone" or to "be careful of how your sounding" or "watch your mouth"... and it's always been enough. I am not even mean about it, it's just more matter-of-fact like and kind of stern I guess? Does that make sense? Remind them as they grow because attitudes and way of speaking and just overall maturing brings new language and expression at each age :)!

Your

Four year olds do this. It's a developmental stage the way a one year old falls when walking. They are exercising a new understanding of the power of words.

It doesn't make it right, but it is very normal. The best thing is to give them a better way to say what they are telling you. This is separate from answering their comment. In other words, when she gets bossy, repeat what she says in a polite and non-bossy way. Teach her by letting her hear a better way to say it. Then continue the conversation based on what her intent was.

Remember she's allowed to be mad. She's allowed her feelings, but she's NOT allowed to take it out on someone else. You're teaching her anger management now and it will take awhile to sink in, but each episode is a chance to help her learn.

Just so you know... it doesn't totally go away. LOL
When they become tweens that "attitude" can resurface with a vengeance. And anytime you let your guard down, it can come back, too.

What I do with my son (who is 12 now) is say: (dramatic pause with surprised expression on my face) "ummmm... You want to try that again, and remember who you are talking to this time?" Sometimes I just say
"uhh... try again". He gets the message and self-corrects.

But when he was little, I had to give more information to let him know what he was doing wrong. It's perfectly fine, and HELPFUL, for you to tell your son that "That is not the proper way to talk to me." And then teach him a better way to express himself. Kids don't automatically respect you because you're their mother. They LEARN to respect you because you TEACH them to. A concept that a lot of today's "feel good" society contradicts. It is perfectly okay to tell your child that they are doing something that they are not allowed to do and they must stop. It isn't a matter of getting them to WANT to treat you nicely/respectfully... it's just something that they MUST do. When they are made to behave respectfully, they learn that that thing/person is something/one to be respected. :)

At 4, you should explain to him that you are his mother, and he needs to talk to you in a respectful way. That means: no yelling, no screaming, no demanding, no arguing with you, etc. Bear in mind, Mom, that it takes TWO to be arguing, so if it gets that far, you have erred in how you dealt with the situation somewhere along the way (and we ALL DO THIS, so I am not putting anybody down here.. we ALL DO IT at some point. Kiddos are masters at drawing us adults into arguments with them). He can tell you what he WANTS but that in no way means that you HAVE to give him what he wants. Your decisions are the rule. He only has the authority that you LET him have/choose to share with him.

What I have done in other situations is tell my kids that "If you ___ (in your case: yell at me/get in my face) you will not get whatever it is you are asking." For us, it was "if you ask to have a friend come over to spend the night RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, then the answer will be "no"; you must ask in private". So you could explain to him that if he doesn't ask you for things in a respectful/polite way, then the answer will be "no". Give him examples of the wrong way (be silly and exaggerate! "MOM! Give me that COOKIE!! NOW! PLEASE!" explaining that just because he stuck a "please" on the end does NOT make it polite or respectful) and then give him an example of the correct way. ("Mom, Can I have a cookie, please?")
He will get it in time. But I would not just ignore it. Explain calmly what you don't like about the way he is expressing his feelings... and after a few times with you giving examples of a better way, ask him if he can ask in a better way.
Once he understands that the behavior is wrong, and what the correct behavior/way to ask is, then it will be easy to correct him when he forgets to use the correct method (see above: "ummm excuse me?" "uhh... try again." etc).

Ignore her until she speaks to you how you'd like her to.
You'll have to correct her at first so she knows what you want. Beyond that, stop interacting with her until she behaves appropriately.

PS: never lose your cool. That's the reaction she's looking for.

You define boundaries and rules.
You be consistent.
You tell her clearly that talking like that is UNacceptable.
You teach her HOW to communicate.... and the words for it for expressing herself and her feelings and her frustrations.
ie: "I am mad...", " I am grumpy..." , "I am tired...", "I am hungry..", "I don't like that because...", etc.
Then as a "team" you along with her, teach her how to cope with frustrations and how to redirect her....

As you said, time out does NOT help.
So you need to do something else.
For my daughter.... if she does that.... I take myself away from her... and tell her I will NOT put up with it... and that I will NOT interact with her, at all... until she calms down and corrects her voice/talking. My daughter, does not like that. THAT is her switch. If I tell her I will not play with her or anything... she will stop. And I do what I say.

I also do what is called "Redo." Which is, you tell the kid to "Redo" that voice/action etc., and you will give her 2 tries. IF she can do that... then you will give her a chance... before she gets her whatever punishment.
If not, then to bad. You enforce the ramifications of their behavior.

4 years old is not easy.
You are not alone.

Do NOT let her 'boss' you. At all.
I have even told my daughter "I was a kid once. I know what you are trying to do. I know ALL the tricks. Mommy is not ignorant. I KNOW what is going on. You cannot fool me. I am smart... but don't push me.... " And my daughter, was all SHOCKED when I told her that... like suddenly she realized... I was on to her.
Or I will tell her "I know what you are trying to do. You either stop acting like that... or if not, Mommy will not be nice either..." And that got her light-bulb in her head... enlightened.
I tell my daughter "Mommy can be nice... or not... and I can be a strict hard Mommy... your choice." Then I walk away. That works, for both my kids. And I do, follow through.

The thing is, at my kids ages, they DO know how to act or not. By now.
I taught them how to communicate, to know their feelings and express it. So... they do know. I tell them, it is a CHOICE they decide... if they want to be trolls or behaved kids. And, Mommy can 'chose' to be nice and cooperative or not... if they do not behave, too.

all the best,
Susan

Treat it just like whining.
"I do not respond to screaming."
"I do not respond to that tone."
"Go to your room and look for your regular voice."
"When you speak like that, you will not get what you want."

when my son speaks to disrespectfully I let him know that it is not exceptable and then tell him what he could have said in place of that and make him repeat it. If his voice is mean or snotty but the words are okay I still make him repeat it in a nicer voice with a better attitude. Sometimes I will mimic him and then also use a nice voice so that he can see the difference and really understand what is respectful and what is not. He is very used to my system so now all I have to say when he speaks to me disresectfully is "excuse me" and he will immediately fix it; if he does not he will go to time out or lose privledges. Also if he is requesting something in a disrespectful manner--like demanding--he certainly will not get it until he asks the right way.

When our kids were getting out of control with talking back and arguing when we asked them to do something, my husband put his foot down and told them they were to only answer "yes, ma'am" or "yes, sir". And we were really strict about it- it changed their attitude right away. I still have to remind them when I ask them to do their homework or help around the house(like put away their laundry.) when they start to argue or talk back I say, "no, what do you say?" and they say "yes,ma'am" and do it - even if they are not happy about it. Yelling at me or my husband is not acceptable. They are sent to their room and told that they are not to yell at mom or dad. When they are bossy to us- it is stopped right there and corrected- "you do not talk to mom or dad like that, you need to apologize right now".
Just keep at it. but it needs to be corrected EVERY TIME and RIGHT AWAY! If you allow her to talk to you like that even once, she will do it again.
Good luck!
~C.

You have recieved some wonderful answers. I will only add 2 cents worth from our experiance with 5 children and now seeing my own grandchildren many your childs age. I had a catch phrase that got thier attention" Heavenly Father, does not give you permission to talk tome that way"-- by the way it worked until they turned it around on me as 12yo! We were firm that we were the parents and they were the children and that we were not friends and were not talked to with disrespect. Now as Grandmother I have the chance to see how 6 of the children are dealt with. When one child( my little tornado) gets out of control and yells or screams then her mother firmly counts to3 to give her a chance to say she is sorry, otherwise she is put in an area that seperates her from everyone else and she has to tell everyone in the family she is sorry becasueof her actions. My son with his is very firm about what he expects and has taught his children that they have to give respect and use the words BUT I OBJECT, if they want to say something~~ This adds a bit of humor to the situation and takes it down a notch.I do have one that yells at her children and screams alot and now the children think it is normal to talk back that way so when here they have had to learn it is totally unacceptable and I won't put up with it. I guess it all comes down to setting rules and boundries and making sure that you not only teach them but live them and make sure the child knows you love them but you are the parent not the buddy and you are in charge and responsible. My college age son came home recently with a paper on age stages which said " 4 year ols are just 2 year olds with a mouth" and this is so true. They are starting to leave the babyhood and test thier wings in the "little people stage". Don't give up just be the adult and be firm about how you nor others will accept that behavior. Do not ignore it as it will get worse. When all else fails the old time method I used was to wash thier mouth out and it generally took only 2 times to teach them I meant business, and then they cured the other children by saying" mom means it, or you don't want to go there, or the best one of all~ believe me the taste stays with you is it worth it?" .

Good replies so far! Our daughter is only 3, but yells sometimes when she's frustrated. We just had a second baby, so she's acting out a bit, poor thing.

I just wanted to add that *I* have a tendency to yell when I've had it, so I know where my daughter gets it from. I'm not proud of that, quite ashamed of it, really, and am working at not yelling anymore. But you might want to look at he behavior of the adults around your daughter and try to ask them to learn some self control. Hard to ask our kids to behave in a different way than we do! :)

She's four years old! I think the punishment has to be more severe than a couple of minutes in a time-out chair. If you don't make her understand NOW that she has to speak to you respectfully, you will be in a whole lot more trouble down the line. I would speak to her about her tone at a time when everything is calm and perhaps the two of you are engaged in some sort of activity. Then, very calmly, i would tell her in no uncertain terms that the way she speaks to you at times is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Tell her that the next time she speaks to you like that, she will not just be in time out for a few minutes, but will be in her room for the remainder of the day and night with the door closed and no interaction with anyone. She will, of course, not believe you and it will happen again and when it does, straight to the bedroom - no drama, no yelling, just straight to the room, door closed, she's done until tomorrow. When meal time comes, take her meal to her, allow her 15 mintues to eat, and go get the dishes. No snacks, no conversation, just in and out and done. What I told my granddaughter is that when she acts like that she's ugly and no one likes ugly and no one has to put up with ugly so if she wants to be ugly, she'll have to do it in her room all by herself. It worked!

We nipped any and all signs of talking back from the very first attempts around 2 1/2 and 3 years old. I'm talking even the slightest eye roll. The habit never developed. I know all too well from some friend's kids how it escalates if unchecked by around 4 ish. I've never seen time outs stop it. I've DEFINITELY never seen "telling your child how they should say things" stop it. I've seen kids talking back and smarting off while IN the time out! And I've seen kids laugh in their parents faces while they're telling them how they should talk to mommy.

We used one warning that the next time an eye was rolled or a smart comment was made there would be a major swat. I think we had to follow through one time for my oldest and never for our middle child. Getting as far as an entire disrespectful phrase or yelling at us? Would never have happened. No anger, just the consequence they were warned about when given the chance to decide to talk nicely.

At ages 3 and 5 they absolutely understand what smarting off is and that it is absolutely not allowed. They absolutely can control it-it's not even in their nature to do it. They're disturbed when they see other kids do it. This method has worked in all the respectful kids I know. Smarting off is absolutely irresistible and will not stop for kids who do not have a serious consequence for it. Thus the term "normal."

Will our kids smart off as teens? Maybe (probably)-but at least their self control will be honed if they choose to be respectful humans. Will they smart off as kids? NOPE!

oh my gosh. I can't wait to read the responses. My kids do that too sometimes only they are a bit older.

I have taken things away and sometimes just ignore them until they can be nice. OR tell them my ears don't hear that pitch, but it would be nice to know what others do to 'fix' behaviors.

Thank you for asking

I recommend two books:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk [Paperback]
Adele Faber

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 [Paperback]
Thomas W. Phelan PhD

Both available from amazon.com. Check out your local library, too.

They might seem like they contradict themselves. Read 1-2-3 Magic first, and after things get under control read the other one.