My 7 Year Old Is Very Bossy!!

Updated on August 13, 2012
T.B. asks from Philadelphia, PA
11 answers

My children are 24, 21, 20 and 7(oops). The problem is that my daughter is very mature for her age and when she speaks with kids that are the same age she bosses them.

My daughter said the kids in her class don't know the stuff she nows and she gets mad. I told her that she needs to understand that everyone learns at a different pace (she has been on honor roll and has countless good behavior awards). The problem is that the kids have singled her out, and her best friend doesn't want to come over! She cries and when I talk to her about it she says she doesn't care. Her older siblings say she can't help it if she's smart. THEN THEY LEAVE! Leaving me to deal with this. Shes almost like the only child and I never had to deal with just one. I feel bad for her and I want her to be able to interact socially but I don't know what to do. PLEASE HELP. P.S. she was not like that until recently, since she is like the only child she does get a lot and recieves a lot. Kids use to be mean to her now she is mean to them. She is a Cheerleader. But I want her to have birthday parties were people actually want to show up!
To adults she is very kind, and respectful.

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Its' funny because she walked in on me reading the comments. She asked "is that about me" and I said yes she read a a couple of them and said "I'm going to try to be nicer, mom". I love this site and I appreciate all the comments. I'm going to utilize some of the suggestions. Thanks!!!!!!!

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

This will be a life lesson for her to learn about... she won't get it overnight... but in time and with people/kids/friends repeatedly avoiding her.
It will be humbling for her.

One of my siblings, my sister, was/is like that. At one time growing up, NO ONE liked her, even adults. Talk about ego to the tenth degree! Not easy for anyone to take. Sure... I felt sorry for her.. but she was so full of herself... and she had a hard-head.. and learned on her own. No matter how much my parent's talked to her or tried to teach her... SHE was always smarter than anyone..... oh and VERY bossy. VERY bossy.

Maybe, enroll her in some kind of club... or hobby. But you can't "make" her understand to a certain extent.. because she has not come to that level of understanding yet, nor that level of comprehension.
She is in "self" mode.

Or, you have to really institute boundaries/rules for her. And if not, she gets something taken away.

Smart people... does not mean they can walk all over people. Being "smart" does not mean they are smart.

*Adding this: it is not about how much she knows compared to others.. it is that she is BOSSY as well. You need to make it clear, that this is not acceptable. If you give her sympathy for her bossing... it will only enforce that and make it "okay." To her, her being "smart" is her excuse for things.. and she gets mad at other kids for not being smart.
Her "maturity" is not evolved yet.
Maybe have her do something for less fortunate people... bringing food for charity or underprivileged kids etc.

Tell her, being "smart" ALSO means knowing how to treat other people...tell her the "problem" isn't that she is smart.. it is that she is BOSSY to other people/friends. It is the way she is acting. She has to learn how to be a friend...

All the best,
Susan

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from Detroit on

I have the same problem with my 7 yr old girl (I have bbg triplets and an 18 yr old daughter). Isabella (7) acts like a teenager. She has some friends but not many that want to put up with her. She is also bossy with me. The other day I was working on cleaning out her room and had been in there for over 2 hours (she was helping as well). I cannot sit there all day like I use to because of a herniated disc in my back. So I got up and went to take a break (which pretty much means I am done for the day). After about 10 mins she came and told me my break was over and get back to work. lol

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I love the Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul books. I used to read 2 or 3 stories every night with my daughter and I firmly believe these books help kids be more empathetic, sympathetic and just nice. Not sure if it will help with the bossiness but it can't hurt.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

sounds like she spends a lot of time with older people. Also I would tell your other kids to stop telling her these things obviously they aren't helping. Get her into activities with other kids her age.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.S.

answers from Chicago on

I used to wonder why my 8-year old SD was so bossy! Her mom isn't bossy and neither is her dad. I wondered where she got it from.

Then I looked at myself. And her grandma. Her grandma and I are two peas out of the same pod, and we have a tendency to run things. Ha ha! Now I know where she gets it from!

Unfortunately that's a lesson kids have to learn on their own. My SD didn't have any friends for a while because she was so bossy. Then she only wanted to be friends with kids younger than her...because she could boss them around.

We did a long unit on manners, and laid out some guidelines for being a good friend. Good friends let their guests choose first. Good friends take turns. Good friends listen to their friends.

Then we went over some situations. It basically boiled down to my SD didn't know how to get her way other than to boss the other kids around. She had to learn that you can get your way a lot MORE if you are kind, thoughtful and generous. Also, taking turns. We playacted lots of different situations and really talked to her about how she could get what she wanted without bossing. Could she let her guest pick the first game and she pick the second? Could they reach a compromise? Could she make a decision to be okay with not having her way this time?

It seemed to help a lot because now she has a lot of friends and she is much more polite. I hear her saying "what would you like to play?" instead of in the past "everyone listen to me, this is what we're going to do."

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.T.

answers from San Francisco on

You're blessed with such a clever and well-behaved little girl. I guess that with such older siblings, she is used to adult talk more than kids talks.
If she is smarter than her friends are, she might be struggling a lot.
Many gifted children feel lonely because "nobody understands them" and have a hard time having friends, whether they are bossy or not.

Being singled-out will give her a lesson that it is not OK to be bossy and that knowing more things than others doesn't mean being superior to them.

She has to learn the lesson by herself but you can help her and support her. Try to make sure that she understands that she is singled out because of her bossy behavior, not because of the stuff she knows. She needs to change her behavior, but not to stop learning.
Unfortunately, I have witnessed several times smart children who stopped learning and began play "dumb" to have friends, with the catastrophic academic and long-term results you can imagine.

Things you may try to help her:
- let her meet older girls with same interests with whom she could be friend
- enroll her in some sport/hobby in which she wouldn't be the best and would need to learn from others
- Take her along in some volunteering activities

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

N.P.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow, that is tough one. I would say, please enroll her in some new activities, so she can make some more friends. Have conversations about *Feelings*, how our words can make others feel sad/bad/hurt.

Please remind her that her being SMART is excellent, but being bossy is not. Encourage her to practice kind words and have her come up with ideas how she can speak to other children, so they will not label her BOSSY.

You will have to become a facilitator to demonstrate positive/ co-operative behavior/ and encourage her by creating a "Reward" system at home.

Hope this helps. Please look for books you can read with her with similar positive messages.

N. P.
California

1 mom found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

It sounds like you are being a little overwhelmed by all the REASONS for this. You should simplify it. The problem isn't that she's mature, it's that she's choosing to be bossy. Not all smart, advanced, mature people are bossy. Tell her not to use her god given gifts as an excuse to be mean.

Tell her siblings that being smart has nothing to do with it, so to quit enforcing that belief. They're encouraging her to justify her superiority in her mind with hat reaction. Anyway, she's SAYING she's mad because everyone is so much dumber than her, but really, at this age, with older peers, it's insecurity. Many kids this age are insecure, and you say kids were mean to her in the past.

Also, her being "like and only child" has nothing to do with it either, again, many only children do not do this. If you think her getting a lot of stuff is hurting her behavior, then don't let her get so much stuff, but she can learn manners and how to be gracious if she has to. BUT if you mean she's acting spoiled and ungrateful for stuff, you should definitely give her stuff to people who need it as a consequence to any brattiness of that nature.

Ok, she's 7, so she's a little old for constant discipline about manners, and you say this behavior is new. She's young and approaching the difficult years. Sounds like her foundation is good if she just started this. This is probably a phase that will only last until the message sinks in that it's not OK. That's not to say, "sit back and let it pass", that's just saying that with work it can pass and she won't become a hideous cheerleader like in Mean Girls or something when she's older.

My daughter has learned some SUPER bratty tones in daycare (an upscale one), but she's 4, so I can keep a constant check on her. At the last few birthday parties I was BLOWN AWAY by how the other kids are allowed to talk to their parents and each other. THE TONES!!!! Out of 4-5 YEAR OLDS! And the moms just ignoring it and smiling, like, "I don't know how they got this way.." and the other moms being like, 'I know, mine too, chuckle chuckle.." I can't blame my daughter for trying it. One girl told her mom to "shut up and stop bothering her." My daughter looked at me and looked at her(still in a daze-I thought I was in outer space!) and did the discrete "no" nod, like she wanted reassurance form me that this wasn't OK when she saw it. I feel bad sometimes like I'm the only one who doesn't allow it. But we went to a scrappy school when I was young, and my parents never allowed disrespect and we were disciplined for bad things no matter where we learned them, and by elementary school, we would have never dreamed of being mean. Be diligent. Give her consequences when she's mean. Does she smart off to you? It's not easy to let her smart off to some people and not others, you need to make sure she knows it is ALWAYS wrong. What's the most meaningful to her? Take it away and make her earn it back with x amount of weeks being rude to NO ONE.

Also, give her some new fun privileges and responsibilities when the waters are calm for contrast so she feels valued and happy. Make it a huge black and white difference between her life when she chooses to be nice and her life when she chooses to be mean.

You say she is very respectful and kind to adults. Does this mean YOU TOO??!!! This is where you CAN teach her what is not tolerable behavior for her own good. You know she CAN control herself and make the right choices if she's already nice to adults. You need to give her the positive messages about how important it is to be a good, kind and respectful to EVERYONE, and you also need to enforce discipline when you personally see her acting mean to you or anyone else. Or even talking rudely ABOUT someone. Remind her she is being mean in spirit and words and it's not allowed. She needs to know that people do not hate smart people, they hate mean people.

Maybe you can stage a sort of make-up play date with the best friend. talk it over with her mom. Get creative.

If she was treated badly in the past, then she knows how it feels. You have to enforce her behavior. When you hear people have been mean, or don't want to come over and it's because of how she was acting, don't sympathize TOO much. Hear her out, tell her you're sorry that hurtful thing happened, but remind her that this will all blow over and people will forget they were mad once they see how NICE she is. But if she isn't nice, she'll never be liked. And if she acts cocky and like she's too good for everyone, she may end up getting decked one day by someone bigger than her. The cute boys won't like her, etc. Just be open and honest. It's all true. She's scared and trying to learn the ropes like we all did. Don't feel bad that it's all on you, you're a great mom, you've raised 3 already, and you can do it.

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi, T.:

Try being a reporter to your daughter. Externalize her problems.

Ask her these questions. Listen to her answers. Try to understand and see her point of view.

Here goes: After she tells you about the incident, ask her these questions:

1. What did you think when your realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

She will give you the answer to what she needs.

Good luck. Check out the web of www.iirp.org
D.

L.A.

answers from Austin on

A bossy girl? I represent that title.. Hee, hee

Maybe you need to tell her how it feels to be bossed around.
"When you tell me I am wrong, it makes me feel angry."
"Your tone sure does sound ugly."
"Your tone sure does sound judgmental."
"I did not need your suggestion. Please allow me to ask for your help next time."
"I get tired of you always telling me I am wrong."
"I get angry when you correct me in public."
"I feel like you do not think I know what I am doing."
"Could you please change your tone?"

Then let her know that bossy people are considered boorish. Explain her bossy, know it all behavior is the reason her friends do not want to spend time with her.

Maybe have her repeat (reenact) her statements, but first tell her to "stop". (Put your hand up)T hen tell her "listen." (put your hand up to your ear) Then ask her to repeat what she just said. If she repeats it in a different tone, ask her "to repeat it the exact way she first said it." If she cannot reproduce the tone, you repeat it back to her the way it sounded.

If you do this enough, maybe she will understand how irritating it is.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.F.

answers from New York on

I know this is a question from 2 yrs ago but I was just wondering how is she doing now? My daughter is extremely bossy at 8the and we have been struggling with this control issue ever since her Daddy was unexpectedly killed in a vehicle accident. It is SO hard to see all the other kids leaving her out and knowing that I really don't blame them.Help! Any suggestions would be appreciated.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions