Husband and Another Lady at Work

J.,

Relax! I have worked in an office, gone to trainings, and had lunch alone with a male coworker. It is no big deal. It does not look inappropriate. It is just lunch. Do not worry.

Best wishes,
K.

I travel a week a month for work...with men and women. I have to go to lunches/dinners etc with a lot of people. I wouldn't be upset by this. There is likely NOTHING to it except a professional relationship anyway...as my mom would say, DON'T BORROW TROUBLE...if you really trust him and don't need to worry, don't. I understand your initial reaction, but honestly, my guess is that there is nothing to it - so he will resent your making issue of it.

Well, if you have done the same at his request in the past, then he should honor your request. But I don't see anything wrong with it. I have a guy friend at work and we go to lunch all the time, sometimes alone, sometimes with others. It depends on everyone's schedual. Once we were at lunch together and his wife and two men she works with came into the same place. It was a little odd, but she was fine with it, and I was fine with it. Just because they are friends, dosn't mean there is anything else.

Hi J.
Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. I work with 90% men so I am always going to lunch & training sessions with them. Singlely & sometimes as a group. I'm not about to tell them I can't go to lunch with them because my husband isnt comfortable with that. Where would the trust be with that.
Remember work is work. As long as he has never given you a reason to not trust him you may be over reactly slightly.

Hello J.. I know you and your hubby worked out your problem already, but I still wanted to respond based on other peoples responses. First off, if you are uncomfortable with it, he should stop doing it. Second of all, unless the man and women are married to each other, I don't think it is appropriate for the two of them to be driving around together. They should at least meet at the popular resteraunt to eat. It doesn't matter if he has cheated on you in the past or if he has given you a reason not to trust him. I would find it inappropriate myself for myself or my hubby. I am with you J. 100% and I am very happy you two were able to work it out.

First of all I want to say that more often than not when you suspect someone is cheating it's because you have seen behavioural changes that might lead you to believe that.
I definitely see an issue with this situation. Think about it... he use to go to lunch with a group and I'm assuming that group is still there yet he CHOOSES to go with this lady alone. He could have chose to say something like "hey I'm going out to lunch with the group would you like to come along?" Then it wouldn't be rude and it wouldn't be an issue. You asked if you are overstepping and I definitely do not think you are... I would say that he is overstepping his bounds and is not doing what is right.
Sorry my answer is so blunt. I hope I'm not hurting you anymore then you probably already are but I definitely would put your foot down on this one.
I wish you luck with this situation.

I feel the same way as you. When it comes to how you feel about something, reagardless of what it is or if your spouse thinks you are being stupid, you feel strongly about it. That should be enough for your husband to say, "ok, this makes her mad, don't want that, let me stop." That should be it, plain and simple. If you do it for him, he should in return give you that respect.

If he doesn't stop then your feelings obviously don't matter to him that much. I would put my foot down and if he continues then I say you need to make a decision. It's not "grow up," it's called respect like you said. Woman's intuition is usually a pretty good indicator. You deserve answers and respect. Have you ever followed him or is he out of your driving range?

J.,

I completely agree with you. It appears bad to anyone who may see them together, especially if it's frequently. My husband and I have an understanding that we dont' go anywhere with someone of the opposite sex alone. My husband owns his own business and has 3 staff members under him, all women. He has to meet with them for various reasons, so I always come along witht the unofficial title of Office Manager. I don't think you're over-reacting at all.
-A.

J.-

There is a such thing as emotional bonds. Your husband and his coworker are developing a relationship that may have started innocently. They are developing an emotional bond. This may be eating together and discussing work, other coworkers, mentoring skills, etc. But it is still a relationship none the less. My suggestion is to ask your husband to make a decision to see this 'coworker' for lunch on a monthly basis. The goal is to break the routine. Another woman should never become a habit for a married man. Then you will have to step back and watch his reaction and observe his gestures. This will tell you how attached he has become to this coworker. Look for denial! Ask him to remain professional and possibly have the coworker and her date over for dinner once a month as well. If everything is kosher, then it should not be much of a problem to make this happen! If there are alterior motives, then 'nos' will ring from every corridor in the house. Fight for your relationship and get on top of your game as well! Get your nails and feet done! Get your hair done. Take your husband out to dinner or a movie! Buy something sexy! Reinvent the wheel so to speak! Love him and demand that he loves you! Take the plunge! See what happens! Remember that you guys began some where! Best wishes and God Bless You!

A Danger

J.

I don't think you need to grow up and I don't think you are overstepping your boundaries. It is reasonable for you to ask him not to do this, even if it is just to avoid the appearance of impropriety. If it is innocent, he should not have any problem asking someone else to go with them, etc. because there is nothing to hide. Plus, it is only smart for him to do this because he can be accused of all sorts of things by this co-worker or others. If he's alone with her all ofthe time, he can't defend himself.

Good luck!
L.

I don't think it's a good idea that he completely blew off your feelings, and I agree with you, out of respect he SHOULD consider your feelings, not matter what the issue. I would say if it was the other way around, more than likely he wouldn't be very happy. Has he ever given you reason not to trust him in the past? I, though, would be more upset by the way he has handled it (telling you to grow up) that's just insensitive. I don't think you are wrong in your feelings at all. I know if my boyfriend/husband was hanging out with another woman during lunch, I'd be feeling the same way.

If they're training together and on the same schedule, I see no problem with them having lunch together. I'm assuming that, since you said he normally goes out with a group but since he is training this week, that's why there is a change in the schedule.

I'm a teacher, and quite frequently I have lunch with the water polo coach (who is a male, married with 2 kids) or the golf coach (who is male and 5 years younger than me). I really enjoy the company of both men, but never has it ever felt like more than lunch with a colleague nor would it. The conversations with the water polo coach are mostly about our kids and the conversations with the golf coach are mostly about how our co-workers are trying to find a suitable single girl to set him up with. Totally innocent both times.

He's married to you, not her. He comes home to you every night, not her. And, since you know about it I'm going to assume that he isn't trying to hide it from you.

Is he not supposed to have any women friends in his life other than you?

J.-
I totally understand you! My husband works for a big company and his new department has a lot of women. I also used to work there and met some of his previous co-workers (before we were married). Once we were married and I quit the company, I specifically told him that he was not to go to lunch with any females, not necessarily because of trust, but because of how it looked! Well, I guess it is kind of a trust thing. You want your spouse to only do things like that with you...in my opinion, who knows what they could be talking about and that leads to a connection, a friendship, and an emotional bond. I believe that a married man should not put himself in situations like that! I also believe that when you express something like that to your husband, he should honor what you say and care about your feelings, not say "grow up". I read a lot of the other responses and I feel like any topic, you either care or don't care (such as strip clubs). Some women don't care if their partner goes to these places, but I definitely do! So either you'll accept it, or you won't. You must say to your husband what you need/expect from the relationship or he won't know, but when he goes against your wishes...that's when it gets difficult. I am currently dealing with similar issues myself! Let me know what happens:)

K.

It doesn't sound like there's anything to worry about. Has he been unfaithful in the past? Does he associate with her beyond work hours? Is there any change in his behavior? These are some other factors that should be considered. Is there a possibility that you could join them for lunch? Sometimes it's the "not knowing" the woman that gets your imagination going. Once you get to know her you may feel more confident about the situation. My husband has had a few female friends, and for the most part it never bothered me. But then there was one that for some reason she bothered me. I felt that she was attracted to him even though he couldn't see it. She wasn't blatent about it, it was just a hunch. I told him that I prefer that he ended their friendship (because I know how suttle and sneaky some women can be). At first, he couldn't understand it, but then he agreed to stop associating with her. He politely told her "my wife isn't comfortable with our friendship so I believe it's best we don't talk anymore." She would still call on occasion if she needed advice on something like getting her car fixed or whatever. I reminded him that by continuing to call, she was disrespecting me and our marriage as well as him, so what kind of friend is she not to honor his request? He didn't look at it that way before and stopped taking calls from her alltogether...she desn't call anymore. I still think she had selfish intentions toward my husband because I think if she was a true friend, she would have either honored his request immediately or she would've given me an opportunity to get to know her so I could have felt more comfortable with her.

If you don't like your husband to have any female friends at all, it's probably a trust issue on your part, but if he has other female friends, but this one just rubs you the wrong way, I would trust my gut if I were you and keep an eye on the situation.

honestly unless he has cheated on you in the past, then yes i think you are overreacting. i would have no issue if my husband went out to lunch with a female coworker, even if it was just them. especially in this situation where they are in training together. sometimes, especially if its a stressful or long/boring training session, its nice to unwind with someone who is going through it b/c they understand. and in my experience, when work people go out to lunch, honestly most of what they talk about is work! he's been honest with you and told you about it, and like i said, unless you have a reason NOT to trust him, i dont' see the problem. i work for a big fortune 500 company and men/women go out to lunch together all the time. i dont see an issue with him driving them either. i dont have an issue riding with any of the guys on our floor, even if its just us and i wouldnt see a problem if my husband did it. its the middle of the day, what is going to happen in the car? sometimes depending on the day different people go out to lunch. if people are busy and have a lot of work to do some may stay back. plus if they are in training together, they most probably are in a different part of the office/building and its easier to run out to have a quick bite to eat together than try and coordinate with others. honestly, in that situation, i'd choose to go with the person in training instead of a big group of people just b/c it was quicker/easier. i've never heard anyone comment on a man and woman going to lunch together alone or riding in the car. people dont think they are having an affair or anything like that at all just b/c they are seen together in a car or going to lunch together. just my opinion since you asked for honesty.

I eat out with my co-worker Henry all the time. I would not make too big of an issue with it.

Hi J. -

I imagine part of what bothers you would be that he is driving both of them to lunch - at least that's what would bother me. It's like a date - it's not like you're meeting somewhere. But, the male ego is a more easily wounded thing than we realize sometimes and asking him to say to someone that he's already had lunch with - "no I can't go it upsets my wife" would be really embarrassing for him - and it wouldn't prove how much he loves you. This is something that happens all the time in the work world and while I don't think it should be encouraged - it's really a given. My husband used to work for 16 hour shifts as a paramedic with other medics or EMT's. Females. Bed in the back... you can imagine how I felt. But, if you have made exceptions that you refer to in the past, you might really want to ask your husband, when the time is right, how he views what he's doing differently than what you did that he didn't like.

By the way, "grow up" is a rather juvenile response on his part so if that's what you're dealing with, I would think you'd have to approach the issue very delicately.

God bless,

E.

Hi J.,

I don't think you are wrong to feel concerned about this situation. The lunches your husband has been on this week may very well be perfectly innocent. He may feel a bit put-out that you would worry, however... don't most affairs start out as "innocent" friendships? I am NOT saying this is leading to an affair - but I agree with you that it just doesn't look right. And shouldn't our husbands, out of love, care more about our feelings than a lunch with another lady?

YOU are certainly NOT overstepping your bounds by asking your husband to respect your feelings in this matter. You are his wife and he should not take lightly how these lunches have effected you. I do think you ought to wait and see how things work out once the training is over. Will he go back to lunching with the cubicle friends? Or will he continue to lunch with this lady? If he continues I would approach him again and hope that out of respect for you he takes your feelings to heart. I think the issue is not that he is lunching with another woman - but that they are going alone. Would it make a difference to you if he & the lady in question included a third person. If after expressing your concerns a second time, he is not willing to quite lunching with her (or to include others), that WOULD appear fishy.

Best of luck,
D.

Is there anyway you could meet him for lunch? If so ask if you can come someday. Judge you next move by his response.

I don't think it matters at all if you are actually right or wrong. It clearly makes you uncomfortable and he should respect your feelings and not do something that makes you so uncomfortable. If it were my husband, I also be uncomfortable by the situation. I personally would proably not say anything and let him go, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but different people have different levels of comfort with this kind of thing and I don't know all of the details of the situation - how well you know the woman, how well he knows her, what your relationshiop is like with your husband, etc. I think we all of have instincts for these things, trust yours, which ever way they lead you.

Agreed! I think that if you feel this strongly about it then he should respect YOU and NOT do it.
Its just disrepectful.
Plain and simple.

You have every right and he needs to respect your feelings and marriage.