To Tell or Not to Tell? - Frisco,TX

I would have told her what happend. I would not want something like that to go on in my house and not know it. But I also don't think I would have three kids that age at my house and not be there. Not that it would have changed things. It is great that he felt like he could call you. No kid should have to stay in a situation where they are not comfortable! My almost 13 year old has never spend the night at anyones house that he's not related to his entire life. Because of stuff like that. Of corse her son is going to deny it cause he dosn't want to get into trouble.

Girl you already told. The mom confronted her son. Since it was done in a confrontational the boy clammed up and now the boy, if he is gay, will not tell his mother. oh joy!

The boys have already decided how their relationship was not going to be one of friends anymore...I would NOT try and mend the relationship between the boys.

it sounds as if one of the boys is grooming the other for something. Holding hands, poking in the privates, etc...seeing just what he can and cannot get away with. Keep the boys apart.

In regards to your boss? just drop it.

I, too, wonder how old they are.

My son is 8, so I'll answer as if they are that age.

First of all, I would not have told my boss that my son said that her son's friend was gay. I would have said "I guess Jimmy got too homesick to stay" or "He doesn't really like sleepovers" or even "I don't think he and Jeff were getting along, so I guess he wanted to come home" OR even "Jeff's behavior was really bothering his is all he told me, so he wanted to leave".

Secondly, the horse is already out of the barn. You DID tell her and she freaked. I feel sorry for that poor kid. She's obviously homophobic. Lucky him.

Thirdly, seems like neither kid is anxious to hang out with the other right now. So, really, what can you do? She's your boss so you'll need to be professional, courteous and helpful, right?

Fourth, Again--not sure of your son's age, but did you ever stop to think that it's a possibility that he just wanted to come home and made up what he felt would be a "good" reason? You know, O. you couldn't disagree with?

Let it go. In the future, make up a polite excuse. "Bobby was just too tired and needed to rest" or "It's been a crazy week at our house. I think the excitement was getting to him." Keep in mind, what she was really asking you was, "Does this dress make me look fat?" There is no acceptable answer other than, "No, of course not." She might have thought she wanted to know why he left, but what she really wanted was to make sure the reason had nothing to do with her or her son.

It's very possible your son just didn't feel like being there and made up a reason or exaggerated. More importantly, you weren't there, so it's not really a good idea to repeat to the mom what your son told you. If what he told you concerned you in any way, you could talk to your son more, find out more information, ask some questions to help you determine whether or not what happened needs to be told to the mom because it's a serious situation. But ordinarily, just be polite and vague and tell her he just felt like being home.

I would have said something. I would want the parent to tell me if it was other way around, and I think as parents we have to be adults and say something. I think you did the right thing for sure. Thats great your son was about to tell you.

I think you did the right thing by telling your boss. And contrary to what some others posted I don't think it's a bad thing your son described the other boys as gay -- as you said he didn't mean it in a bad way, only describing same sex affection.
As for your boss, if she took such offense and confronted her son who denied it all maybe that tells more about the parenting style and comfort level of her son to be honest with her. Don't take it personally, just let it all go.
Major points to you for having a son that age willing to talk to you about uncomfortable subjects - it's not easy to do!

I must say, the damage is done with your boss so let it go & continue on a professional relationship with her.

As to the boyz...your son may or may not have read everything correctly, that doesn't matter, what matters is that he came home where he wasn't feeling threatened, that was a good thing.

This 'gay' thing is outta control! I hear it so much @ school with boyz it sends me into outerspace or something, these boyz are almost homophobic! If someone looks, talks, runs, dresses, walks the way that they think isn't quite right they must be 'gay'. Washing dishes is 'gay', not having a snack when you get home is 'gay', taking a shower everyday is 'gay', they get into trouble for all of this & I have talked till I am exhausted about it but I STILL hear them & their friends dropping the G bomb when they think I am not around. Boyz here, 16 & 13...

At this point, I think you should just keep quiet. You have already done the damage; I would have simply told her that you're not sure why he wanted to leave, he just felt uncomfortable for whatever reason and just kind of shrugged it off. I say that, because what you son told you was HIS perception of what was going on. Several people have view the exact same thing at the exact same time and yet have totally different perceptions of what is going on. I'm sure Boy A is very embarassed and I don't doubt that he doesn't want to hang out with your son anymore.

You have already done the damage and you can't suck the words back in.
Anything else you do will only compound things so just leave it alone

Brakes here....the most important part was the poking in the privates. I would definitely want to know if that was going on..whether or not my child was receptive.

I don't think you did anything wrong, (other than not mentioning the real problem there), I would have done the same. I probably wouldn't have said, my son thinks Boy B is gay, just that he was uncomfortable with the hand holding and the private poking. I would NOT make my child go anywhere that she felt uncomfortable. Your boss knows that kids will be kids, they hate each other one day and love each other the next. At this point I would just let it go.

You did fine telling her. Your son had every right to be uncomfortable and if I were her I would want to get to the bottom of things. Arming another parent with info about their beloved child is always a good thing in my opinion. I would have talked to her about it bc it involved her child, plain and simple. The other boy could be being harassed by someone older even and who knows if all this can bring that to light. I had a good friend who was molested by a family friend for YEARS and no one ever knew. So you never know how events will turn. But you did the right thing getting your son and telling your boss in my opinion. Good luck!

No harm in sharing with her what your son told you. Why wouldn't you?
Now I would just let it be. You can talk to your son about it, if you think it's necessary. But I wouldn't make a big deal about it. And there's certainly nothing for you to do to "make things right."

I agree with Amy J. (below) about the "not spreading rumors" aspect.

Unlike a lot of your responses, I would have told & mentioned the poking of privates. Something along the lines of "My son started to feel uncomfortable. Boy B kept trying to hold Boy A's hand & was also poking him in privates. It made him uncomfortable." I would leave out the term "gay" just because adults tend to freak with even the hint if their child not "being perfect" (eye roll here).
At this point I may or may not mention the poking of the privates. If your boss mentions anything, I probably would. But I wouldn't worry about "fixing" anything. As a parent, if my kids were ever Boy A, I would want to know. I want them to be comfortable with their sexuality BUT I would want to make sure that they were not being molested & understood the difference.

How old are these kids?

Your son felt uncomfortable, that is great he called you and asked you to pick him up. Make sure you let him know that you are proud of him for calling you for help when he felt uncomfortable at a place.

I would have shared why my child left early. If that was happening at my house when I was not around I would want to know. Who cares if it was same sex or not, we have strict rules that NO touching or privates by others. May this boy B is attracted to boy A, maybe this boy B is starting to act out because something that has happened to him in the past. Either way at this age it should not be happening.

It might be best to just let this be. Do not try to "fix" it, give the information and let it be. I would not be comfortable having my child hanging out there if indeed it happened so to me no loss if your son does not want to really hang out with them.

I read this and the first thing that pops into my mind is boy B has a spectrum disorder. Now your son made boy A feel bad about his friendship with him.

You didn't consider this is exactly how it would end before you spoke to your boss? I would have just said you know how kids can be and left it at that.

O well, can't get that horse back in the barn now. :(

Your son had every right to leave early if he felt uncomfortable. Just be prepared in the future to say well...Johnny called and came home early because he was tired from studying late for his test all week....He had a headache..stomach ache...simply wasn't feeling well but didn't want to say anything to the other boys...Or you'd be tied up and your son called you to remind you to pick him up early so he'd have a ride home.

How old are the children involved?

It's commendable that your son took the right steps and said he wasn't comfortable.

Depending upon the age of the children, it could be an experimental phase.

Explain to your boss that you are only stating what your son said happened and what he was not comfortable with. The children have already decided not to be friends. If your boss isn't saying anything else? I would not say anything more.

If they go to school together? I would make sure that the counselors are aware of the situation so that no problems happen at school. at this point it is a he said/she said type of situation.

This is exactly why my 9 yo son won't be going on sleepovers. =/ Good luck!!!!

Shame on all the mothers who have replied that she should have made an excuse. If that was really true what that boy did...that could be considered criminal. But at the very least it was very inappropriate. Yes kids are kids, but that behavior was wrong and Boy's B's mother should be notified of her son's behavior right away.ESPECIALLY the poking privates! Your son had every right not to have to witness that behavior. And if he hadn't asked to come home what else might have happened between the two boys. You can't always predict how things will turn out. Im sure you tried to handle it the best way you could, and its even more awkward that it involved your boss's child. You should not have to be made to feel you did anything wrong. It was discussed between the adults.

Im just shocked at the moms who said you should not have said anything. Shame on you! You had every right to protect your son!

Dear S.,

I'm proud of how you have raised your son so he called you right away when he felt something was off and confided in you. You are in a precarious position now as this woman is your boss too. Hopefully she will be mature enough to investigate, and handle her situation appropriately and without blaming you or your son. I would wait it out for now and have your son play with other friends. Hopefully you have some distance on your side and don't leave in the same neighborhood nor do the kids go to the same school. This could get really ugly depending on your friend and her son. If your friend keeps pushing tell her how this was supposed to be between you and your son alone, but as a mother, you felt it was necessary to let her know so she would know what's going on in her house and she can do something about it, if she so deemed. As parents, we have to help each other out and not cover for other kids. The "easier" route is not always right! I always want to know if my kids are doing anything wrong or questionable. It does take a village to raise kids! Best wishes and God bless!

You were absolutely right to tell her the truth. I'm not sure what you can do to "make things right." You can check in with your son to find out if he needs help figuring our how to handle the fall out, but other than that, the kids will work this out themselves. Also, a natural teaching moment to discuss personal boundaries. And kudos to your son for leaving a situation he wasn't comfortable with.

I don't like a few things about the story. They are 11 and 12 so they exagerate a lot. A 5 year old saying someone held hands is pure and honest a 12 year old could say it if they brushed up agnst eachother and he felt uncomfortable. I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to call you and I'm glad you took him home, BUT I'd also explain while its good to have your boundries and not want others to touch you, to make a statement that someone is gay is not allowed! Also if he repeats this to other mutual friends he should be punnished. I J. think of the social repercussions of the boys your son kows if he told everyone based on his interpretation. I would tell him he has a right to have his personal space BUT he is not to label people and that being gay is not bad! If it had been a girl would you have told the mom my son thinks your girl is a slut, if he said she was touching him and said she was? No you;d probably listen to your son and respond and then talk about demeaning words. I do not think the word gay is bad, but it seems from your story that your sobn does and ou didn't correct him.

I would have done the same as you, especially since she kept hounding you about it.

How old are these boys? Seems like young boys, 4-7ish, have a fascination with penises. But hand holding, trying to touch privates, etc, seems odd, even at a young age, but more so if they're older.

I'm glad your son felt safe enough to tell you he was uncomfortable, and you picked him up :-)

She asked. You told her. I would have too. Just assure her (and make sure it's true) that your son has no intention of spreading rumors. Your son told no one but you, and that's how it will stay. Assure her that you believe your son didn't make it up and you're not really concerned either way and don't care if her child was trying to hold another boy's hand or not. If she's still pissy, let her be. The boys may have been just joking around, let her know you don't think it's a big deal anyway.

For the record: I have no plans to let my kids attend sleepovers, I went to a few when I was a kid, there is OFTEN scary stuff going on, and there really is no need for them imo. If they're well supervised the whole time fine , but still. meh. (where was his moms when you picked him up, see? Sleepovers are a shifty pain in the neck)

And kudos to you for being someone your son could tell this to.

As a mom of a twelve year-old son myself, I think you handled this appropriately; although, I would have included the part about poking in the private area, as that is much more significant than the hand-holding. The other thing that I would add is that this is exactly why I am not a proponent of boys spending the night with one another at this age. Our son is in scouting, and we also do not allow him to tent with other boys on camp outs. He has a one-man tent and we have explained to him exactly why. It's not that we are afraid of homosexuality; however, it is natural for boys to be curious and do 'stupid' stuff, which can become very damaging to them and/or other involved boys both now and later on. By not allowing sleepovers and tenting together, we are basically doing damage control.

You did the right thing! Your son did the right thing! Our kids need to feel that they can call us to come get them when they are in an uncomfortable situation and that they can talk to us about anything. Parents need to be honest with other parents. If adults cannot be honest with each other, how can we expect kids to be. I know it is hard and I have been in similar situations where I had to tell on someone's kid or someone told on my kid. Some parents might be upset and it can be the end of friendships, but should we try to be polite and lie just to maintain a friendship? That is not the message I want to send to my kids!

I completely understand your question. He probably would have called you if it was a boy and a girl holding hands too. At least I would!! It's always uncomfortable when people are publicly displaying affection.
Now, why the boy was upset and yelling and screaming? Probably because he was truly embarassed by his mother. Whether or not the boy is gay, who knows? But, maybe his mom (your boss?) made him feel poorly.
If I were you I would stop talking about it with anyone. What happened happened and you can't change it. Let mom cool off, let the other boy cool off, and tell your son not to talk about it. While you and he may not think it's a bad thing there are a lot of people that do. The teasing that could happen to those two boys would be unrelenting.
L.

You did the right thing. Absolutely, without a doubt the right thing :)

I think you did exactly the right thing and so did your son. Now it is up to this other mom and her son to talk and to figure things out. It is nice that your son will tell you things.

You did the right thing even though it was awkward for you at work. Your boss needed to know what was going on and eventually the truth will come out. Kudos to your son for being brave enough to get himself out of a situation he wasn't comfortable with. Parents have got to stick together and tell each other if they see things, how do you know that her son was comfortable with this? He may have been just as uncomfortable but afraid to lose a friendship over it.

I personally would not have said anything to the other mother and simply made an excuse for my son. I'm sorry if that doesn't hold true to some but this other mother is not her friend, its her BOSS. It'd be different if she'd known this mother somewhere else, were best friends, etc but she's in a position of authority and could cost her her job.

Here's what Boss mom is thinking when she's telling her this: My son COULD NOT BE Gay cause I asked him and he is in sports and blah blah (insert what ever stigma you want here it all fits) and then to blatantly ASK her already confused kid about what happened...well...not a good scene at all.

I would have advised my kid to mention it at some point if they were GOOD friends. Not to mention it to others (kids are SOOO cruel at this age) and then to leave it alone.

The touching thing...omg...when is it that parental units ARENT going to automatically jump on the PEDOPHILE bandwagon. Stop with the whole "that could be a criminal act" BS. So annoying.

Anyway, now you gotta do damage control. Don't mention it again. Tell your son not to mention it again but that you are open to have any conversation about it at any time. And hope that your son doesn't suffer the ramifications of you not being able to be your sons confidant and nothing more.

Also, this was a situation between your son and you. Not between your boss and you. There are times in your life when someone asks you a question that the appropriate answer is simply "none of your business". This would have been one of them. (Water under the bridge I know)

I would undertand you needing to tell her if the boys were doing something lacivious. But I would have never gone to another parent with "holding hands".

I wish you good luck and am sending good thoughts your way.

We teach our kids from the time they are very young to tell us if something happens that they are not comfortable with, especially physical contact. Any unwanted contact should be reported, and honestly it doesn't matter if it was boy/boy, boy/girl or girl/boy, which it can easily be. Our kids need to feel comfortable drawing boundary lines and if that offends someone else's pride, that's too bad. We don't want our kids to put or keep themselves in compromising positions, at any age, with any gender just because they are afraid of possibly offending someone else.

I think I would have said the same things. A boss would wonder a long time about it and it could effect your working relationship. Either way this is going to now.

So sorry this is happening to you and your son.

I think you should have shrugged off your boss's persistant questioning and said something like,

"I don't know, my son didn't say much. Or "he just said he didn't feel like spending the night. You know kids, maybe they got in a little tiff. I didn't think it was a big deal."

I'm not sure why you felt like you had to tell her the details your son shared with you. You don't even know if it was accurate, it was only your son's version of events.

But what's done is done. It sounds like boy A is thoroughly embarrassed about his mom's confronting him with what you told him. Whether it's true or not, I can understand his getting angry and defensive and trying to spin the events. Give him some space.

Going forward now, I would stay out of it. Let your son decide if and how he wants to mend a friendship with boy A. I hope your boss is a professional enough person to drop this with you and not mix kid's friendship issues with work.

I think you handled this just right. I just want to add that the act of coming out to one's parents is a big deal, and that people (as kids, adolescents, or adults) really need to do this themselves. I am not a supporter of "outing" in this kind of situation at all. 11 and 12 year old boys are also NOT known to be especially accurate on who is or isn't gay. I think keeping it simple, the way you did, is the way to go.

(I know this is late; just read this)
Tricky situation. Honestly, I think this circumstance would have been okay to lie to her, just say your son wasn't feeling well (mostly because she's your boss, but I would lie if she were my friend, too). It can be a great oppotrunity to talk with your son about uncomfortable situations and how to handle them (which he did the ABSOLUTE right thing to call you when he didn't feel right in his surroundings) and also about not judging. I have my own opinions about gay/lesbian, and I'm sure you're not asking for it, but my point is I would share with my son/daughter at this opportune time what our beliefs in our family is about that lifestyle, how God wants you to live your life, and the importance of remaining friends with an individual in a comfortable way to you. Hope that makes sense. Good luck.