To Move or Not to Move? - Dumont,NJ

You're basically having to choose between your kids spending time with Daddy, Grandma, many cousins, multiple uncles and other auties, close family friends OR one auntie who seems to rely way too much on YOUR family for HER wellbeing. You need to put your family first when you make this decision, but from an *objective* standpoint, I think it's fairly obvious from the answers here, you should definitely move and give your kids and husband a better family life. No brainer.

Move- seriously. This has to be about making a good long-term decision for your children and your spouse. I made similar "life move" around the same age and would give just about anything to move closer to my family in FL. Being closer to your extended family will allow your children to grow-up around cousins, aunts, uncles and their grandparents, what a wonderful thing! If it means your husband can be an active part of your children's lives DO IT! His role in their upbringing should be the priority.

Your sister can always come and visit and your children (when old enough) can go visit her!

You know, I don't have an exact comparison, but for so many years I have based where we live on being relatively close to my sister and her family (she does have kids.) What I've found is that, had I been open to my hubby's original idea of living near his work, we would have a much newer home without so many issues, and he'd be able to see his kids before they go to sleep.

Yes, I love my sister very much, and we've always put forth great effort to get together, but I love my husband even more, and he is entitled to spend whatever time he can with our kids. He's busting his rump for us every day, working 6 days a week, with only 1 Saturday off a month. He almost never gets home before bedtime, as he drives about 40 minutes each way and has a demanding job to begin with. My sister has also gotten very busy with her career and kids, and now I'm finally seeing that for so many years I have catered to her needs more than to my own husband's. A few months ago I finally got it and told my husband that, wherever he wanted to go, I will gladly follow, as more than anything I realize that our kids need time with their dad so much more than my sister needs us (or than our kids need time with their cousins.) My husband has FINALLY become my primary focus in my life, and I can't tell you how much better our relationship has become because of it. We have now sat down together to make a long range plan which will move us closer to his work, and I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. So much less stress when he sees that I am finally supporting him and being properly appreciative of his hard work and long hours.

If your sister and her husband have that much love for children, there is always adoption or becoming a foster parent. I understand the wind being taken from your sails but that is putting too much weight on you and taking no responsibility for the course of your own life.

While I feel badly for your sister, you have to make the best decision for your family. Your children can and will adapt to their new life. This is a great opportunity for your family and your sister should be wishing you the best even though she is going to miss her neices and you.

Life is full of changes. It is how you handle them with grace and dignity that makes the journey worth the while. Make your decision guilt free, as you encourage your sister to find a new direction and purpose for her life while remembering there are always the summers and holiday breaks. Five hours is far but not unbearable.

I hope this helps.

She made her choice for her life, now it's time to make the choice for yours. She can visit your kids often still, and if she wants to be around more kids, she can adopt, or be a foster parent, to volunteer in the big brother / big sister program.

Sometimes, you have to move your family for what is best for everyone... not just for one person.

We recently moved 7 hours away form all of our family and friends. My mom is a widow and lonely, but she has people there, though gave us a major guilt trip about moving. Well, we had to do what was best for us by taking the job.

She can always move to where you are, or who knows, in 10 years you guys might all move somewhere else together. Do not feel bad. You left all of your friends and family one time to be near her, now it's time for you to go and have a wonderful time, have more time with your husband, and save plenty of money for your kids' colleges and your retirement! You may be taking your daughter out of a school and community she loves, but possibly be putting her in one in which she will love more.

Oh, and 5 hours away, you guys can visit each other on the weekends and holidays! There was a time in the past, when people moved across the country or to a new country, they could never see each other again... but those days are over. You guys can email, text, send pics, and skype between visits.

Looks like everyone so far has said you should go ahead with the move, and I agree--it sounds like the best choice for your family. You wanted objectivity, and I'll be blunt: it's not your responsibility to fill the void of having no children in your sister's life. It's sad for her, but it's still not your responsibility.

One additional thing I would add from my own experience growing up: when I was 7, my stepdad moved us from Virginia where all my family lived to Florida, where he was from. The biggest thing I regret about that is not getting to grow up with all my cousins. Even now as adults, I envy their close relationships that I'm not a part of.

Please don't view this as negative, but you have to do what is best for your family. Regardless of the outcome for others. True loved ones will understand and support you. Transitioning is difficult, but if it is for the best it will make everyone happier in the end.

Also, I think it is really important to consider, is it more important that your sister is happy, or your husband has a chance to build a deeper relationship with his children?

S.,

You sister could move too! It would be better for you, your husband and children if you had more time together.

Blessings....

You're sweet to worry about your sister. But wow, what an opportunity for your family! You'd be getting your husband more, getting a house, getting a huge extended family!

You have to do what's best for your family. Don't worry about your 6 year old and school. Moving around many times during my childhood was an exciting and valuable experience for me. I learned how to make new friends and that moving is not the end of the world. It boggles my mind how anyone can live in one place their entire lives. It would drive me nuts! And yet, I married a man whose parents moved once and didn't even change their zip code.

As for your sister, she has to do what's best for her family, as well. If she just can't live without your family, then she might end up moving back "home" too. But that's a decision only she and her husband can make.

This is up to you and your husband. Do what's right for you and your girls.

I think you have to do what's right for your family and what makes your life happy, fulfilling and easy. If that means moving then you should do it. 5 hours will mean your sister will see your kids less but it's not so far away that weekend visits aren't possible. It will be hard for your sister but she will adjust and I'm sure try to visit as much as possible.

I grew up with a Dad who commuted to NYC for most of my growing up years. The 5 years we lived in Atlanta where my Dad was home for dinner and could really be involved in our lives was the best and it was hard for our whole family to have to go back to the commuter life when he was relocated back to NYC. He looked for a job in Atlanta and tried to get us relocated elsewhere to avoid that lifestyle again.

I think that your family needs to do what's best for your family. Write a list of pros and cons but so far, leaving your sis seems to be the only con.
5 hours isn't that long for visits and with email, Skype, etc. lots of families easily bridge distance!
Who knows? Maybe she'll follow you?
And think of it this way, maybe your sister has used your daughters for too long to avoid coming to terms with her own issues about not having kids.
I know when you love someone it's hard to leave. Sorry you're feeling this.

Yeah. What they said!

It seems like moving back to your hometown makes sense on a lot of really great fronts. Yes, it would be really hard for your sister, but your marriage and the girls' relationship with their father is more important (if one has to make a distinction) than that with their aunt.