Advice on Family, Moving Issues

Sometimes you have to go where the work is, and sometimes there is no work where the family is. It's hard, but it's nothing new. I know people who've come here from India and other places in the world to live and work, and they only get to visit home/family once a year if that often. New places can be intimidating, but don't just think of all you are leaving behind. You can start some of your own traditions, and you can find a new church which will make you feel welcome in no time at all. My husband and I had to move from where we grew up to find work, but then so did a lot of our other family members. We've got family on the east coast and west coast, and north and south. This has happened to lots of family s, and every few years we all meet at a central location, book several hotel rooms together (group rate) and have a family reunion. Some people have special tee shirts printed up for the occasion. You will be fine. Trust in your own strength and you'll be surprised what a pioneering spirit you have. You might actually enjoy moving someplace new every 20 or so years. The first place we moved to got so built up in the 21 years we lived there, the traffic jams were a nightmare. Now we've moved again and we're out in the country and we can hear cows and sheep first thing in the morning - it's wonderful!

When he says 'Try something new,' does that mean stay in VA, or go to an entirely different area? I can understand him wanting to break free from the past and start his new career in an area where he can make a name for himself, but that does leave you with two young kids and no support system in the area. I would express my feelings to him and see what he says (if you haven't already). Maybe the two of you can come up with a compromise - like a 'new' town in the midwest...?
If he is still set on staying here, away from family, keep praying...and maybe 'remind' your husband that he will be seeing the inside of a Dr.'s office 60 hours a week, whereas you will be out in a new town by yourself...but if he feels led to be here, just trust that God will work it out. Before I got married, I asked my soon to be husband if he would be getting out of the military - he had already served two stints in the Middle East and I did not want him going back if I was going to have to work full time and take care of two step kids full time as well. He assured me he was getting out. My MIL said that he told his ex that before, but he decided to stay in, so I was a little scared....he promised he would get out. When the time came it was scary for him to find a new job after so many years in the military, but he found a great job up here and we moved. We trusted God and He led us here...I was very sad though, because it was away from my family...and we are very close. (I am lucky though because my parents are getting ready to retire and they have just purchased a house in our neighborhood to be close to me and the grand-kids, so it worked out great). The first few years I had little to no support system, so I stayed connected with friends, got involved in church, met some PTO members, etc....that helped. It was difficult trying to find babysitters, instead of 'grandma,' and paying extra for it just for date night - it took some of the fun out of date night...and we didn't get as many - maybe one every 2 months? Which is tough being a newlywed. It was a totally different environment for me (used to being single living with my parents and having a career). I prayed A LOT and had some heart to hearts with God - and He reminded me that He was always with me no matter where I went...He took the burdens from me and reminded me that I don't have to do everything alone...even when my husband would be out of town for weeks, He was with me. I truly believe that whatever happens in life is meant to be - if it would be better for your family to be next to your hometown, God will work it out - maybe your husband will get an offer he can't refuse from a hometown practice...or maybe it is in God's will for you to be in a new place to minister to someone there. We are always placed in areas so we can do God's will. You may truly be a blessing to someone in the near future...and even though it may be tougher for you at first, you may love it after a while. I had a 'plan' for my life, but it never included having two step kids, moving away from my parents/brother, etc...and at times I wondered what I had gotten myself into...but things are great now and we are truly blessed. I pray the same for you no matter where you end up. God will be with you wherever you go and give you strength - keep praying, reading the Bible, and remember He will be a light unto your path (wherever it may lead you!).

Well, me being in a military spouse, I can completely understand where you are coming from. I will first just openly say, that raising your family away from your family is truly hard, and it will always be a challenge. BUT, it can be done! Where exactly does your husband want to move? Is it to where his family is living, or someplace completely different? If it is where his family is, you will still have your children growing up around relatives, and just keep in mind that both sets of families are equally important.
If not, well, then you do really have a lot to consider. Is your husband taking any of your thoughts into consideration? I am sure if you two talk together, there is some sort of a compromise. Maybe your husband knows the better places to open up his practice, where it will be most successful, and that should be important to both of you, as you are raising a family together. Maybe he could try to limit the choices of where to settle, to places that are not SO far from family. For instance, a days trip every now and then is something you would be able to deal with...as for me, we have lived too far from all family that we haven't really been able to visit at all, unless we were willing to spend an extremely large amount of money. There are ways to work around keeping your children close with relatives. Distance does not have to hinder their relationship.
Also, keep in mind, that since wherever you are heading, it is more a permanent thing. You will be able to make roots, you will be able to meet people, make new and close friends that might be perfect for your new start! These family friends will also be the ones who will be participating in family events. Don't look at it as losing all your family, try to look at it as gaining more people you will care about.
That's the best I can do! Really, being without help while raising kids can be extremely stressful, but us women tend to step up and be able to handle what is thrown our way, and you will be able to make it all work. If you find yourself in a move that is leaving you feeling overwhelmed, I know there are a lot of military wives on here that can relate, and will have a lot of ideas and helpful hints to help you get through it.
K.

Sounds like you are very blessed. Moving to some place for 20 years doesn't sound so bad at least you'll be settled....And before you know it, flying with your two kids won't be so hard. Yes a support system of family is nice, but if you are settled that long you will build a support system whereever you are.

Focus on the positive!

R.

L. - the fact that you will be raising your family solo-ish while your husband focuses on building his practice is a very important fact. You also need to look at the area and opportunities near your family. How far is too far to be from your family... 1 hour, 1 1/2, 2 hours? With that in mind, you need to TALK to your husband and let him know that while you can understand he may not want to move home, you would like to be within comfortable driving distance of family. TOGETHER, you should discuss where the job opportunities are, and if those opportunities will be workable for both of you. If you both agree on the geographic area that he'll be searching for work, then it won't be a surprise when he finds a position.

Another way to approach it is for him to see what type of work situation he likes and you focus on the house situation,school, home-life aspect. If you both are considered in the search, then you both should be agreeable to the result.

Then, you both give it to GOD and know that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. If hubby gets the job that is 3 hours from family instead of 1, there will be a reason.

Reminder: Find the work, and then where to live; not the other way around.
M.

Good Morning L.,

I have lived very far away from my family in the past. I lived in another country when my oldest was born and we lived there for two years after as well. It was a great place to live but when push came to shove, there was no one to really help us out when our daughter got sick or when my husband ended up in the hospital for two weeks. During the time that we lived overseas, my parents and sister made great efforts to come and visit. My oldest knew her grandparents and aunt even though we lived 6 hours away by plane. We made a decision to move back to the United States and decided that we would move to Virginia and be near my family. I cannot tell you how much it has helped out our family (mine and my kids). I absolutely cannot imagine living far away from family (We live about 45 minutes away from them). My parents and sister attend all sporting, school and church events. My advice is to really think about why you want to stay close to your family and then really talk about it with your husband. Is there a possibility of moving close to his family? In all honesty, I don't believe that this is a divorce issue. If your husband won't budge and you end up movning, you will make new friends and you will find a support network. We live in an area where I have an amazing network of friends and we help each other out in all situations. So even if I didn't have my family around to help out, I do have an amazing network of moms!! One more thing, whereever you go, go now before the kids start school, activities etc. Get settled and enjoy your kids and your husband. It will all work out in the end. Good luck!!

a marriage is suppose to be a work together, comprimsing from the both. Your husband needs to put your feelings into consideration that you will need support while he is at work. Is there a way to move in the middle of his parents your parents and where he wants to start his practice, that is a comprimise on your part and his. You have to talk to him and really explain how much you need not only to be heard but your feeling takin into consideration. You need support and support from family is better than support from strangers. Yeah I am pretty sure tehy would fly, drive or train it to you for the special events but if they are close it really won't be a big problem. I will pray as well to GOD that HE will guide you and your husband in the right direction.

I pray this helps. Good Luck and GOD BLESS

Dear L.,

If divorce is not an option(I am so happy to hear that), then you have to make it work. We are supposed to leave our mother's and father's and cleave to our husbands. He became your family the day you married him in His presence. I, myself, grew up in Oklahoma around my aunts, uncles, extended family members...etc until the age of 29. We relocated to the DC metro area a few years ago for my husband's much needed job immediately after we got married. It was the one of the most difficult adjustments I've ever had to make in my life. Cautiously and steadily I have made good friends in the area. The church we attend seemed to become our family, too. Luckily, my husbands' parents and siblings live within a few hours away, but it certainly isn't the same as having the family you grew up around. I know it seems like it is impossible, but God has been with me, and still is, on my journey and settlement here the entire time. Do what is best for YOUR(you, your husband, and kids) family. Pray even more about it. I will pray with you. The Lord will answer your prayers on His time.

Blessings,

B.

Hi L.,

I will be praying for you. I just went through this in October. My husband got called to active duty in January of 2008 to Norfolk. My two girls and I (at the time, they were 10 mo. and 3 years old) had to stay in the Seattle area for 11 months without him. He was supposed to be gone for a year, and then back home by last Christmas. Well, he really felt like we were called to be here, and I got a phone call from him in October letting me know his feelings. I have to admit that I kind of knew it was coming. He really likes it here and I could see some very positive changes that had happened to him during his time here so far. But, I was literally sick to my stomach for 3 days when I realized, at that time, that I either had to submit to him and come only for that reason, or I could make him miserable and put my foot down and say, "No way, I'm not moving!" The 2nd option wasn't an option because I love my husband, I trusted him, and I trusted that he heard from the Lord.

So, I told him I would go out of submission to him, but that I really wanted to feel peaceful about it myself. I asked him for a few days to pray about it. He said of course. So, I prayed and prayed, felt sicker and sicker. I told our pastor's wife what was going on and she was very sad to hear that we may be leaving. But, she didn't try to guilt trip me, she just said they would pray for me that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt and feel peacful about going. I didn't tell my family yet because I wanted to be sure about it first. The 3rd day, I woke up at 5am and just cried to the Lord, I need an answer TODAY! At that moment, He reminded me of a prophecy that a wonderful man had spoken over us several years earlier. I found the cassette tape, which I hadn't listened to since that night, and I listened to it. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was the answer I needed. I went from feeling like I was going to be sick, to totally excited and ready to move in a matter of 10 min. God confirmed what my husband was saying, so we decided to go and we moved here in November.

Now, believe me, it has not been easy being on the opposite side of the country from our entire families. But, we have an amazing church family that has become like a family to us. We Skype with our parents and my sisters and friends and it makes the kids feel close to them. They are now 2 and almost 5 years old. The most important thing I had to learn through this is that God will reward you for honoring your husband. It doesn't mean that you have to just do what he says and that you don't get to express your opinions. But, ultimately, you have to trust that the Lord will speak to your husband. If he says it's what he feels the Lord is calling you to do, then do it. Trust him and go. It will break your heart yes, but there is so much favor that follows. Submission isn't as well thought of in this modern world we live in. But, the principles of the Word of God never change. They are the same yesterday, today and forever.

I'm not saying that God will shout in a loud voice from heaven and tell you exactly what you are to do. It didn't happen for me like that either. I had to anguish for a while, but he always answers us in some way or another. In his time, not ours. You know He loves you. He will never let you fall.

As a side note, when I told my pastors that we had decided to go, they said they already knew that we were supposed to leave. When they prayed, they felt that it was the right thing for us. They were very sad and we miss each other like crazy, but we had their blessing to go and we have their support. Same with my family...I was expecting major opposition and some guilt trips, but got NONE of that. Not one single person opposed us. Everyone had peace! Now that's God. (You'd have to know my mom...smile.)

I've rambled long enough. You do what is best for your family and trust in the Lord. I will pray for you that you will have the same peace I do. This has been an amazing journey of growth for my little family of four. We are closer than ever because we have to rely on each other only. Take care of yourself.

Love, T.

Hi L.,

I feel for you. I too have a husband with a job that requires us to move. With him we move every 3 years but that's another story. We talked about moving back to where my family lives when we first got married, 4 years later now he wants to go somewhere different, somewhere new. He's not very close to his family. We see his parents once a year, but all I can say is you need to be firm on your position. Help him understand your desires and try to work something out. I don't believe in divorce either and have been down that road many times in my mind... but worse comes to worst, if he needs to move, if that is where his practice could take off and build a foundation you need to try it out and give it a chance. You might like it and it sounds like your family's tight knit enough that they will come to visit. It's not the same but... Anyways be firm and good luck.

Hi L.,
I didn't have time to read through all the responses, but...
Make sure you know WHY he wants to "try something different" and then see if there is a compromise. Does he get overwhelmed seeing your family so often? Is he enjoying the distance and if so, why? Does he like you being more dependant on him rather than the rest of your family? Could you move with x hours of your family as a compromise? Obviouslly these are just "brainstorming" thoughts since I don't know either of you. Just make sure you both communicate openly about everything. God will see you through. He has put us where he wants us. Keep seeking His will.
D.
I also married my high school sweetheart. Now married almost 21 years - been together 28 years!

Best wishes and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are very close knit with your family and moving away an missing all those holidays and special events are going to be very traumatic for you. From one whose been there.

My best recommendation is if you really love this man, go and try and get involved right away in volunteer positions, church, and other interest to try and make it work if its what you really want. Rent your house, that way if you are that miserable you can go back. I wish I had kept mine, but now stuck in the mountains, trying to start a business and raising a 5 year old with no support. It is a sticky custody situation and miserable for us because of all the immature people we deal with. Its hard starting over. Be prepared!

Best wishes!

I don't think it needs to be all or nothing. Is there a compromise location that would work?

Wanting something "new" is fairly vague. And it may be something he has to put off til the kids are older. I moved to the DC area and I know my husband is not likely to ever want to move away (born and raised here). BUT I'm a reasonable drive from most of my family (2-3 hours) so I can see them, even if it takes some planning. Even a few hours can be "different".

I would discuss with him what it really means to move with children and how it would benefit the family to be near support because his work will require long hours. I agree...I think kids need to know their aunts, cousins, etc. Especially in a close family, those are the people that will support them over the years. HE may not be close to his family, but that doesn't mean his kids can't be.

You can also plan trips to various parts of the country to spice things up. Nothing says you can't drive down to the Outer Banks one summer, up to Maine another, etc.

L.,

I think what you said in your last line of your paragraph says it all, how can you expect to raise a family on your own without your support system when your husband will be working 60 + hours a week. I think that should be your main point in your discussion with your hubby and stick to your guns. Also, medical practices thrive on word of mouth and community oriented people, if everyone knows or knows of your husband depending upon his speciality they are more likely to switch to him. Therefore setting up practice in a place where he is known and liked will have a better success rate! Good luck to you!

We moved out here for law school this past year and are in the same kind of situation. We have a web cam to keep the boys in contact with there grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We make cards regularly for the cousins and mail them and do lots of little stuff for them when we can. My parents have came out twice each (they are divorced) and at this point has really kept a conection with them. We want to end up in the west when we are done, but have to be able to pay off school and take care of our immediate family first. That may mean staying in the east a little longer then anticipated. However we have set a date for the time we for sure want to be back in the west and taking up a permanent residence. For us it is by the time our boys are in jr high/high school- I do not want the boys to have to switch school in jr high/high school. I grew up in the same town my whole life and made wonderfull friends and loved it. My husband moved every three years his whole life (he tends now to get an itch to move every three years and we have so far done that). It is kinda hard to do, but I have decided that it will all work out and he has agreed to the some of my cconditions also.

It is important that your husband is thinking about what he wants to do and where he wants to do it. If he is to be the provider in the family. I know I want my husband to enjoy what he is doing and where he is doing it. Why make hime invest so much time into something/somewhere he is not happy. maybe you can sit down and make a plan on how long till you make it back "home".

I know it is hard... my husband and I stuggle with these type of conversations regularly. However, I don't believe the grass is greener on the other side. This is a man you loved and the father of your children- you can work it out. It is hard to be flexable all the time, I know it but I think it is worth it end the end.

L.

HI L.. What a tough position you are in. I really do not have any advice but simply compassion for your situation. Keep praying, you know God will provide the right answer. It sounds like your husband is very committed to his chosen field which is commendable, I am sure he wants to be a success for him and the family. On the other hand, you can not forget what is important to you also or your will slowly build resentment which can slowly eat away at your relationship. I think you have to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart and maybe a solution will present itself. Maybe not move back home but not as far West as he had planned. I pray a good solution will work for you.

L.,
I am also from a loarge close family and unfortunitly they are all on the New York, Vermont area which is where I am from originally. I grew up just like your children are, having family around for everything, being with them at least once a month for birthdays and such, summer vacations together. My husband and I moved to VA last summer because of a job transfer for my husband and I am so missing my family up north. I miss being able to just hop in the car and go psend a day with my grandmother, I miss seeing them for holidays, I miss being able to decide on a saturday morning that I want to go see my cousin and her children so all of the kids can play together, I have 5! These are all things I would talk to your husband about, it has caused alot of stress on my marriage to the point I was ready to take my kids and leave just to go back to be closer to family. I am also a very strong Christian and I put it in Gods hands and here we are. He knew we needed to come here for many many reasons, one being my mom passed away 6 months before we moved and my dad is selling the house and moving in this direction and two we have found an amazing church to become apart of and they have become my family in a very short time. It is great to have friends that you can depend on but there is nothing like your close family network that is always there when you need them. Tryingto get home to see everyone is a nightmare because traveling with 5 children is not an easy task and money always falls short so we have to cancel the trip or my husband cant take the necessary time off to make the trip worth it. we went up at Christmas time but could not be with the family for Christmas because my husband did not have the time to take off so we went up and back in 4 days. I think it was more stressful than it may have been worth. We will be makign the trip 2 times this summere but both times are very quick trips again because of my husbands job, he only has a weeks vacation because he just started with the company a few months ago.

Before you make any decisions really have a heart to heart with your hubby.

I wish you the best of luck.

I'm wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decided. However, from experience of an average person who decided to make that move. I moved from the Western NY area to the DC area about 9 years ago, to build our family. At the time, I couldn't have imagined how hard it would be to leave my family. 7 years later, he filed for divorce. I was stuck with no family, no friends and no support system. I am now forced to stay in this state. I cannot move back home until the girls turn 18, or I gain full legal custody. I am not even allowed to leave town to visit family without a full itinerary of where we will be and how long we'll be gone within 48 hours of leaving. (meaning I've missed being able to say goodbye to 2 close relatives of mine in the last 2 years). I believed that I was doing the right thing as a wife and mother to go where my husband wanted me to go. Please consider all factors before you make a decision. I certainly never imagined that I'd end up divorced and on my own.

I agree with others: to focus on the positive aspects of an exciting start to your husband's long-earned career post-training, AND to discuss goegraphic areas of interest to BOTH of you, but certainly not to limit these to your old hometown area!

You should not demand to remain a part of your family in close proximity forever. He married YOU to start a family with YOU, not necessarily with your entire extended family. It certainly is more difficult to raise a family w/o extended members nearby, but it can be done. We had no one within a plane ride away, and I missed them terribly from time to time, but we had grandparents and other siblings and cousins come and stay for extended visits which usually started with holidays or birthdays. They also were variously present over the early years of science fairs, baseball season, and jazz band performances.....because we PLANNED it ahead of time.

What it takes is alot of planning! That is what is primarily different. You must be an exceptional planner and advance scheduler. You constantly need a back-up plan for emergencies, and outside childcare that is ready and responsible. To your children, if you are a careful and constant planner, however, the result will look about the same. You will build your own traditions of when they see their extended family; it will be different than what you knew, but not necessarily worse. There are many ways to maintain ties and familial closeness of spirit. For example when your children are a little older, they may be able to look forward to spending summers with one or another family member, renewing their bonds with everyone in your home town. This also gives you and your husband a break to be together and renew your adult life during the respite from the needs of your children, knowing they are enjoying other family members and perfectly safe. It becomes YOUR summer tradition!

The part that is primarily different is YOUR loss of relationships YOU have had (and still apparently) cherish and seem to desire or need to maintain as easily available to YOU every day. This is about YOU and how YOU view the rest of YOUR lives together.

It is a big decision, but mainly for you to decide that it is time to raise and develop YOUR OWN family, and include your extended members as a part of this new plan, rather than just re-insert yourself back into what has always been your part in their lives in your first town.

This should be an exciting time: assisting your husband with his new start in a practice and finding your own activities which make all of you closer in new ways.

Start with regions of the country you would both find attractive. You can make this work; but only if you BOTH support each others' needs and give it a chance! Good luck.

Wow - always tough. I think you have a lot to consider here. I can't imagine not raising my kids around my family, but I was raised in the military and saw my family on vacations. I think you and your husband need to figure out what is best for your family, and his career does play a part of that. Can he set up an office where you are from? If yes, then he should definitely look in to that, if no, then you guys may need to consider moving a little further away and just taking vacations. I know this is a tough choice, but it really will just require compromise on both parts I think. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know it is a hard decision - but I think God will put you where you are supposed to be, I agree with you 100% there. It may not seem right at first, but give whatever decision you both come to a chance. I would make sure to get involved in activities if you move away from your family - and just give it a chance...good luck!!

Hi, L.. I just wanted to add that I totally agree with Tina W's advice - very practical and helpful. A lot of times husbands need to see the 'black and white' of it and if yours is one of those, then that would be a great exercise.

I am married to a military man and we have moved 3 times in 6.5 years - two international moves and one back to the States, with 1-2 more moves ahead of us before he retires. We had both of our children overseas and our family saw them three times in 5 years. While it was exciting to have those experiences with travel and enjoying different cultures, nothing can replace the help and comfort provided by your family. I totally understand the pull for you to want to be near your family.

My husband didn't know his extended family growing up - he saw his own grandmother once in his life. He took a while to understand where I was coming from when I would talk about trying for an assignment back near my family (also not far from his family). I realized that it wasn't that he didn't care about me having family nearby, but that he just didn't know what it was like to be the child growing up with all the relatives as a constant part of your life. Only after the second Stateside visit home with our two children did he even almost get the picture. I am telling you this to encourage you and to help you get a perspective and hopefully approach your husband in a loving way, not accusatory.

Try to work at it together. Yes, the wife is supposed to submit to the husband and you are supposed to 'leave and cleave' but that does not mean that a marriage should be a dictatorship. You BOTH are a part of the marriage ('two become one') and when both parties have the others' best interest in mind, then decisions can be made in a better way.

Have you told him your fears and needs as a SAHM? It could also be that he just really doesn't understand what you need and thinks babysitters and household help are adequate to fill your needs. For some it is, and for some it isn't. Is there a compromise you're both willing to make? Be careful of drawing a line in the sand, and consider talking about both of you making some concessions on what you 'have' to have/do. Lastly, do you have a church here where you can seek wise counsel? It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, especially when you're in the middle of it.

Good luck!

When you marry, your God wants you to be a helper to your husband. "Leave father and mother and cling to each other" see Genesis 2:24 It's nice to be near family but if your husband wants to go elsewhere, you need to support him. I was very happy where we lived. My husband had a job working for a good Christian employer for 10 years. But his job was going to end so we left family and friends and moved from Wisconsin to Tennessee. I really was sad to go. Even my young children tried to cheer me up. The Lord told me not to be so attached to a place and be ready to go where He wants me to go. I supported my husband and God provided us with new friends. Jehova Jireh provided all our needs. We learned much. We still visit family about once a year. We keep in touch by phone and email.AF

Keep praying for one! Those are the perfect things to be praying for...always seeking God's will and guidance! I am guessing you have already told your husband all the things you shared with us, but if not, tell him your reasons and thoughts. Ask if he would be willing to try it out near your family first (or even a couple towns over, so you are still close), and if he is truly unhappy, you would be willing to try a move. Don't forget your 3 year old will be starting school in 2 years, so maybe that time frame would work! God will open the right doors in His time, and pray that your husband will be open to that as well, you could even ask him to pray with you (right w/you or seperately about the same thing...or even both)! Keep us posted on what happens!

Dear L.,

I am sorry that you find yourself facing this. It is a tough one I know, we are an Army family and deal with this more often than I care to. I applaud your determination to stick it out with your marriage and beg you to continue on that path. I am sure you guys will find some common ground and work through this. After all is said and done your marriage and family just may be stronger and happier than you could imagine. My advice to you is while you determine where to live strike some deals with your spouse. For example maybe you could chose to move somewhere within a few hours drive so you and your children could drive home often to visit with your family even if your husband is working. If that is not possible ask your husband to agree to always go home for certain holidays that might be special for you Christmas, Thanksgiving whatever. In the end if you guys are struggling seek a counselor. My husband I went once when a certain move was very stressful for me and it helped us to find some come ground. A third person may have some suggestions neither of you thought of. It also may help you to understand each others position and feelings on the matter. I know it helped us. May God bless you and keep you in his care during this trying time.

L.,
My heart goes out to you, and I admire your strength and values. Your marriage and children are the most wonderful blessings you have, and it is obvious that you value them greatly. Try to keep an open line of communication with your husband. Find out what he is really hoping for with his career, and be patient- he may not even be sure. Also, be sure to kindly explain your feelings to him. Using threats and guilt to get your way will only hurt your marriage. Be patient, and God will help you both make the right decision. Even if things don't go the way you are hoping for, you will still be putting the most important people in your life first. The world could use more mothers like you!

My suggestion would be to explain to him that since he will be building his practice and you will be the main support for the childrens care you prefer to be in an area that is within a reasonable driving distance of your family - since they seem to be more inclined to participate in your childrens lives. Tell him it takes a village to raise a child and you and he will need all the support you can get and the kids too. They will want their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents to coem to their school for grandparents day, recitals, plays, sporting events, birthday parties etc..... MY husband are pretty much on our own and our family lives within 2 blocks and a few miles all around us and nothing....very little participation and it is difficult. My husband and I rarely doing anything together because there is no one to watch our kids for us....now they are a little older and so I hire a sitter but when they were babies and toddlers it was me and my husband and we made it work but it was stressful! FAMILY - even extended - FAMILY is so important and so rich and add so much to our lives - they help children to build relationships with other people than just Mom and Dad.....GOOD LUCK!

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I can sympathize because I live 9 + hrs drive away from my family and 18+ hrs drive away from DH'd family. I have two young boys (one 3 yrs, one 4 mos). You are a strong Christian so you are probably familiar with the text, "A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her home." That means that your DH is now the head of the household. While I can understand the fears attached to "going it alone" you have made a committment to your DH and must trust that he really does have your best interests in mind. I can't imagine that you married a man who would intentionally hurt you, right?

Wherever you end up, get yourself into a church home quickly. Start making contacts with other mothers of young children. They can become part of your new support system. Even though my family is so far away, my oldest son knows his grandparents because we put in the effort it takes for him to know them. Get yourself a web cam and get one for your folks as well. Set up weekly times to "chat" with them. That is how my father got to see my oldest crawl for the first time. :0) Communications technology is so advanced now and so readily available that there is no reason for isolation from distant family.

Hang in there and know that God is with you through it all.

You are in a difficult situation. You mention that you are a strong Christian, but don't comment on whether your husband is. I know that in the church, men are supposed to be the head of the household, but that doesn't mean they are infallible, or have their primary focus in the right place. Particularly if he is not a Christian, the Bible also says to not be unequally yoked. If he is not using Christian principles to guide your family decisions then you have a different kind of problem. Also, think about this...what if you move and, God forbid, he loses his job that you relocated for? Then a support network would be crucial, and it is hard to move in with family as a last resort when there is no family around. Pray for God to lead you to discuss the situation with your husband so that he may understand your wishes and make the right Godly decision with you rather than against you.

L.:

This is a tough situation for all involved.

Have you tried to talk with your husband about how you feel you need to have your family around as a support system - especially since he'll be working so many hours during the week?

I'm a military brat - I LOVED moving every three years - I realize that's not what is happening for you - but think of it this way - maybe God is calling your husband to an area where God needs him and God WILL provide for you. My mom raised three kids in Taiwan, Hawaii and around the US without her family - God provided her with a great support system in neighbors and new friends. While I will not discount the security in knowing it's family - a church is an extended family.

While I respect that you are praying to God for an open heart - you are letting YOUR needs blind you to what God is calling your husband to do.

As a military brat - did I miss out on a lot of family things? yes - but I learned so much along the way - I do not look back on this and regret it, even married military but we haven't moved in 12 years - what a shock! Any way - communication is key. Find out what your husband is thinking - has he been in contact with a doctor who is about to retire and he wants someone young to come in and take his practice over? This would be a GREAT thing for your husband AND your family.

Please open your eyes to bigger picture and see what God has in store for you not what you feel He is taking away from you. Please don't be like the W. I met in Germany who had lived there for 7 years and had NEVER ventured off the base because she was too afraid of what was out there. She missed out on so much.

God WILL take care of you. God will answer your prayers - just not always the way YOU want. Remember, it's HIS will and He has something great planned for you and your family. Trust in God.

"Trying something different" would mean moving where? What exactly does he mean by "different"? And why cant he get a business going where you are from? Why does he NOT want to live around your family. IF you guys do not live around a support system, he might realize that he needs that support.
I guess more prayer might be your only answer. If he has his mind set then God is the only one who can change it. I would keep talking to him about it but dont "nag". And hope that God will open his mind or present an opportunity close to "home". Best wishes.

wow, the love of your life and your high school sweetheart,and you're actually mentioning divorce over this! (yes, i realize you're saying you don't believe in it, but simply mentioning it means it's crossed your mind.) so this is a really huge deal for you.
raising your kids near your family IS a wonderful thing. i hope your husband will listen to the strong need you have for this and take your feelings into consideration.
i guess i'm wondering what the draw is for him to move. is there somewhere he's always wanted to live? what is prompting this desire for a new adventure?
is he trying to escape from too much invasion by your family?
is there a significantly better opportunity for him to build the career of his dreams elsewhere?
i guess i'm saying that i think your needs and desires are important and logical. there's not enough information here to know whether his are too.
i sure hope you can sit down and talk to each other honestly and work toward a solution that you can both live with. have you thought of a just a couple of sessions with a counselor? sometimes even couples who aren't having traditional couples issues can benefit from an unbiased third party.
good luck!
khairete
S.

The common link is your children. You both need to start the decision process with them in mind. Try a week of HYPATHETICAL decisions based on the each choice and talk about everyday life that would be differnent for each of you INCLUDING hte children. Once you finished that week write the pro's and con's of that decision and possible effects, then the same with the other decision. After that sit down and wight each persons quality of life with each decision and I think if hearts are open and both are putting the life you want for your children first you will be able to come to a common ground.
I hope this helps.
T.