We celebrated our 32nd Anniversary with a family dinner at my Daughters home. When we were eating cake, my Daughter ask both of us, what was our cherish moment of all these 32 yrs? I couldn't think of any no matter how much i racked my brain. Apparently my Husband couldn't think of one either, only that I snore. Finally we just mentioned the funny memories of our 3 Daughters.
This really saddens me, right now I realize that I'm the one who did the actual work of this marriage and I'm tired of it. I have alot of resentment with Husband, I never really showed my frustrations because to keep the peace with this tranquil fake happy marriage. I can see it in our photos, we have to be told to hold each other and smile, lol.
I'm still racking my brain right now, to remember anything cherishable, I only remember hard ache, feeling unloved, no support, being alone for many hours, having to deal with his drinking issues, drug issues early in our marriage. We are not good in talking, he has this gift of changing thing around on me. We are going thru some financial hardships, and might lose the house (going thru a modification program and it looks positive, even tho its taking forever) but its whoa with me, attitude with him.
Well since I'm not going to leave him. I love him like a best friend, I'm asking what can I do for myself to make me happy with or with out him for a change? I work, he's retired, he has too much time on his hands to sulk, then I sulk.
Two years and a half has passed. In those 2 yrs alot has happened. We did end up losing our house to foreclosure, ended up moving to another town where my job was.. My husband, was a meth head all this time, no wonder things were going down hill. It was a court order for him to go to counseling and rehab meetings. Now he is clean 14 months.His personality has change for the better. He volunteers to run a meeting once a week and I'm falling in love all over again.
Keep working-I mean, don't retire-and join an organization where you will be needed and appreciated-I recently joined the Lion's club in my area-it's awesome.
Counseling can help you and you are totally worth it. If he won't go with you, then you go for YOU.
I agree to go and get a full physical, just to make sure there is nothing going on with you.. Sounds like a tiny bit of depression or hormonal imbalance going on.
This fall we will have been married 30 years. There are days we "allow the other to live another day".. Hee, hee. He can get on my last nerve and if I hear another pun, I think I will strangle him, but I am not the total prize myself. It can take every ounce of my patience some days.. even weeks.. living with him.. But we work at being positive and supportive of each other.
We recall our original dreams and see if we can still reach some of them. We have even considered some totally new changes. Selling our home and downsizing. Moving to a totally different place. Maybe knocking down this house and rebuilding, we then could live in a small home in back and rent out the larger home.. This way we could travel. Maybe sell everything and live on a sail boat and sail around for a while. Who knows?
We find pleasures in helping each other with projects. I love when he asks me for help, Or when I ask him for help and he quickly jumps at the chance. Or I ask for his suggestions. Does not mean I will follow them, but it is fun brainstorming together.
We also have our own interest and are fine with not always doing EVERYTHING together. We have many mutual friends, but we also each have lots of our own friends. This freedom and break from each other is fine.. It brings up new ideas, new conversations and new opportunities for us.
We try to attend fun events around town and the area. We have a small group of aquaintences that we meet for trivia at a local eatery once a week. We like to join friends to try out new local eating establishments.
We attend free concerts, movies..
If there is fun festival we post it on facebook and try to get a group to attend. We gather the neighborhood friends over for a happy hour or cook out. And of course when invited by friends we really make an effort to attend, even if it is just for a few moments.
We go to a neighborhood brew pub and take Banangrams and play together, we have also taught others how to play when they have inquired about what we are playing.. .
During all of this, I know I see the young man I married. Try to remember how much you loved him when you married, especially that day. I praise him in front of our friends and he does the same for me. I re-fall in love of my husband many times a year. I try to hold onto those times, when he really ticks me off. I also will always be grateful for how he always has worked to be the stability as the main financial provider. He has sacrificed a lot of his own passions so that we could be healthy and safe.
In turn he is good about cheering me on after each project I complete and is grateful the amount I earn.
We also laugh a lot. We laugh at ourselves, we tease each other but not in mean ways. We also take great pride in our daughter in her accomplishments. We take only a small amount of credit, because as my husband says, we were a great example to our daughter.. and example of how to not turn out! Hee, hee..
Well, for starters, you need to stop putting all of the blame on him. It takes two, to stop talking and you even admitted that you can't even think of any cherished moments yourself. You need to change your attitude and be more positive and tell him about your feelings. Be the one to initiate conversation and tell him your true feelings. It isn't ALL of his fault.
Maybe find a way to make new memories? Something got you together. Do you remember what it was?
You work, your kids are grown, you have the stability of a long marriage. You can be married but not do what you've always done and feel stuck and resentful. Let this be a new phase in your life. Find a new hobby, take classes, join a women's hiking group, go to counseling, spend time with your daughters. If your DH sees that you are happy on your own, he may want to change to be happy, too. Joy is contagious. If he just wants to sulk, that's his choice, but at least you don't have to stay home and sulk with him.
It takes lots of communication and patience. Many times I have felt like I wanted to leave and was about to when he bacome very ill. It was then that I really and truly looked at the vows I took. Didn't want to leave when he was down and almost out. After all of the emergencies and things he came out of it with a new perspective on what he was like in the past and is doingh is best to make things right. Our 40th is in November.
Find things you like to do if not start or learn a new hobby for yourself. Start doing and loving you because if you don't love you no one else will. Enjoy the fact that you have grown children and possibly grands. Get yourself a buck list and do the things you want. Your life will change and you will enjoy it better. Always remember no one can make you but you.
Life does go up and down and it is the down times that make you who you are.
Good luck to you and do keep working for a bit.
The other S.
So if you were not married right now, what would you be doing?
Dating? I was never fond of the meat market and my husband and I were SO glad to be home together once we were married.
If you were not married would you be working a different job?
Would you be traveling (it takes money)?
If he were to suddenly (Heaven forbid) drop dead right now, how would you feel? Would you miss him and your daily life?
The grass is not always as green on the other side as we imagine it to be.
Does he beat you, chase after other women, gamble away every penny?
You are with your best friend. How can this be a fake happy marriage?
Contentment takes many shapes and every ones happiness is different.
Perhaps some counseling could help you work through your feelings about this.
I've been married 20 years, and I know we've struggled as well. It just seems like it's been a lot more work than I thought it would be!
It's really hard to let go of past resentments, especially if they weren't really dealt with but just sort of dissipated. I would look for some books on the subject to help you feel like you can get through this.
But also, do find activities that fulfill YOU. Different clubs or organizations, or just friends from work to do things with. If you are fulfilled, you won't have as much time or energy to focus on what's wrong (which is apparently what he is doing).
If you aren't planning to leave, then you need to find peace with how things are, not how you wish they were or how bad they used to be. Without him, you wouldn't have your three daughters, and perhaps you can begin to appreciate him more as just a friend right now. Hopefully after a while, things may improve for you.
Good luck.
Kind of pretend like he doesnt really exist, what would you be doing if he didnt? Do that.
I'll tell you what Andrew Wommack said...I'm going to praphrase it and change it slightly.... When you've been in eternity for Thousands of years you will not care that you were ever married here on earth.
I've been married for 26 years and it's a similar marriage. I have changed my mind and the way I think to line up with what God says. My kids are beautiful and I would not change a thing. If the only thing my husband ever gave me was 4 daughters, I'm blessed beyond measure.
My grandson came from our union as much as our daughters did. He's my little mand. Again, where would I be without that darling little boy?
It sounds to me like you need to get your heart and mind right with God. If you don't believe in God, well I have nothing to say other than you will spend eternity someplace. It's time you be sure you know where.
This may be an odd question (and I sincerely hope I don't offend you by asking this) but have you had your hormones checked lately? I was feeling similar feelings towards my husband and as the months dragged on they seemed to get worse. I went to my primary care physician on a whim and she did a hormone panel on me and found that I had little to any estrogen, progesterone and testosterone I was basically menopausal at 37. It's amazing how hormones can affect your view of life. Once I was put on HRT I felt amazing. I have more energy, a stronger sex drive and I also have more emotional connection with my husband than I did in the past. A great read on this subject is Suzanne Somer's book "The Sexy Years". It put's everything in perspective.
If this is not the case for you, please disregard this post.
You need to go to counseling. It's one of the best things anyone can do. There seems to be a stigma that if you see a counselor then there is something wrong with you, but there is "something wrong" with everyone (all people have problems) and only those that deal with and work through their issues are going to thrive! Also, DISREGARD Grandma T's answer---one of the worst I've ever heard. How pathetic to pretend your husband doesn't exist. And how pathetic for you to live a life where he is not a part of it.
You guys have SO MUCH HOPE!!! You are actually in a good place because you are not thinking divorce. There are so many things you can do to turn things around and make your marriage the best it can be--even after all these years. Remember---you can't change him, but you can change you and your responses. You'll feel better about being in control of your responses and feelings and he will notice your changes and most likely respond positively too. I just skimmed the other responses and most of them are pretty superficial and not helpful. Let me know if you need more resources. There is great hope for you and your marriage!
Thirty-two years is a long time - and a great investment! (I've been married forty.) Spouses get comfortable with each other, which is nice but doesn't have all the thrills of early times. Or they aren't always so comfortable but know how to manage each other. People also get bored, which isn't so great.
Don't be offended, but please get a physical checkup first thing. Make sure there's nothing going on inside you that affects your attitudes and outlook without your realizing it.
Then you could ask your close friends (or at your church) for the name of a counselor to speak to. All people have feelings about their marriages, and those feelings go up and down with the years. It wouldn't hurt to talk with someone about your feelings. After all this time, you know what your expectations need to be; it's good to get a double-check on those. Bitterness is a very heavy weight to carry around.
Meanwhile, what do you do for yourself? What are your own interests? Separate interests are OK in a marriage as long as you don't use them the wrong way. What have you always wanted to do that you can fit in your budget and time frame? Look around and let your imagination work. There may be more interesting things than you think.
