Three Year Old Will Not Go with Her Nanny After School

I agree with Sandy. A healthy snack, though - NO chocolate. That's a sugar fix that could bring her crashing down in 20 minutes. Cheese might be better.

Get the mother to write a note in French asking a random teacher to help you with the little girl - she can briefly explain what's happening. Honestly, I'd change the routine and always have you do the drop-off and pick-up if I were the mother. Either that, or never have you do it. This back and forth is really hard on her.

I can't tell you what you should do when all three of you are together and the little girl is whiny. I would WANT all three of us to parent her the same way, with consistency, but that doesn't appear to be what these parents know how to do. That makes it really hard on you, doesn't it!

Good luck~

Dawn

Gosh, am I the only one who likes the chocolate treat after school?

Everyone seem to poo-poo what's worked for you. If a little piece of chocolate does the trick, by all means, just give her a small piece followed by something more substantive later.

Ditto all the great advice about her being over tired from a long day at school for a 3 year old and taking her frustrations out on you about the change of attention at home.

You communicate very well. Keep this avenue open with her parents. Share your thoughts above and response with the parents so they know you are aware and continuing to manage her little moods.

GL!

A lot of this sounds like typical 3-year-old stuff but so much of it, like the whining and acting bratty when the the parents are around, needs to be nipped in the bud. You are right to realize that she is going through some changes and some kids react by acting out, but by no means is that an excuse to get lax on discipline. Personally, I would try having a conversation with the parents. They really need to be backing you up when their daughter acts this way. They need to make it clear to her that she is to listen to you and obey and not be throwing a fit when it comes to things like dropping off for school. It doesn't help they are not always consistent with how they handle her but maybe they are not even aware of how their actions are affecting the girl's behavior and her relationship with you. The girl is testing her limits and trying to see when she can get away with stuff. Her parents need to be disciplining her when she acts mean to you when they are around.

Keep in mind too that many kids (mine included) can be more prone to melt-downs and whiny bratty behavior when they are over-tired. 8 to 4 is a long day in school for a 3 year old and she may still be in need of a nap (do they get a chance to take one while they are there?). Sometimes my daughter was having so much fun someplace that she just didn't want to leave and have the fun come to an end. What I had to say to my daughter a lot at this age was things like, "I know you are feeling sad/angry/tired/frustrated/disappointed, etc., I understand. It's still time to go home." I also did the same acknowledging of her feelings then would say, "But we don't whine or try to hit." It helped her feel a little more heard and understood, while making it clear that certain behavior would not be tolerated, and that it wasn't going to change what was going to happen next. I would even consider starting to say these things to her when the parents are present, because then maybe they will then get a clue that they need to step up more themselves.

I wonder if she simply sees that you are the enemy because when you are there, Mommy and Daddy go away or she has to go to school, and isn't handling it well. How do Mom and Dad prepare her for the day apart? It may be a cultural difference, but I try to keep good byes short but positive with DD. When you pick her up, is she just disappointed that it's not Mommy? I would get down on her level and be cheerful and remind her that you picking her up means that you and she will have fun at home and Mommy will be home soon. And then I'd literally pick her up and carry her out if she throws a fit. Grab her bag (or use a backpack so you can carry her) and out you go, no nonsense. If you think she is hungry, pack a healthy snack that she likes (raisins are a hit with my DD).

Do you know about the book The Kissing Hand? It's at least offered in Canadian French. I'd talk to the parents about them reading it to her and giving her a kissing hand to take to school with her. It's been a good book for my DD who recently started preschool. http://www.audreypenn.com/kissinghand.html

I also think that going suddenly from Mom and Dad to full day school and a nanny is a lot for her so she may need more time and assurances to adjust.

You might also talk to the parents about what they want from you when you are all together. Tell them that she easily gets over her tantrum when they leave and is adjusting well, so that the hitting isn't their only impression of your time together. Or, since it's directed at you, tell her - in French - that it's not nice to hit people.

Remember, too, that 3s want a little independence, so figure out what she can do and what she can't. Can she climb into the seat but you do the buckles? Can she choose her shoes from 2 pairs offered? Can she pour milk if you give her a smaller container? Or could she be happy helping you by getting a cup from a low cabinet? Try giving her limited choices and see if she responds positively.

Stay consistent (but without the chocolate)!

I would speak with her parents and ask them what their expectations are of YOU when they are around. My assumption would be that they would like to be the primary caregivers when they are able to be there and for you to step in when they are not present. Going on this assumption, I would not be co-parenting when the parents are home.

As for pick-up and drop-off, speak with the school and let them know that she is having a difficult time transitioning, which they already know. Ask them for their suggestions and see what they say. Typically we suggest that you not engage in a dialogue with a tantruming child. We suggest that you (as the caregiver) bring the child to school (kicking-and-screaming/ wearing jammies/ hair amiss, whatever) and let us handle her from there. Same thing with pick-up... we'll bring her outside and you take her home. She's 3. If she drops to the ground, pick her up and sling her over your shoulder- put her in the car and go home. She'll scream and cry and yell and kick... for 3 days and then it will really be over. It ALWAYS takes 3-5 CONSISTENT (non-bribed) days and then it's OVER.

She is young, but she is old enough to understand that there are often 2 (or in this case 3) sets of acceptable behavior when multiple caregivers are involved. For her that means understanding what is acceptable at home with her parents, at home with you and in school. Ideally those would line-up nicely, but that is not always the case.

Remember that she is angry because she wants mommy rather than you and that is normal and natural. As others have said she will be over tired after school so that will make her disappointment worse. I think a treat at the end of the day is appropriate, a stop at her favorite park to play? A healthy but delicious snack? Bring her favorite doll from home? Also can the girl know ahead of time who will be picking her up? Have mom or Dad tell her in an upbeat way....J. will pick you up from school and take you to the park! I'm sure this will all get better as it becomes routine.

I think DVMMom had so many good points.

MAybe you could also try to establish some sort of routine for dropping off and picking up from school. A song,a certain silly handshake for the morning. A snack, a certain toy, for pickup. Introduce the idea that she can pick two things to do before and after school and introduce all the options, then help her pick her options. Work on this at a calm time and role play what you will do. Right now she wants to feel some control, so it helps to give her some choices.

Also, try to clear any trepidation you may feel about taking and getting her from school, she will tune into your mood.

Like for example she wants to pour her own milk..on the time of her pick up, can you bring her a thermos of milk, and she gets to pour once she is in the car...qu'elle faite seulement apres-ecole? Give it a special name. Make is feel like a reward.

Hang in there! I complain that my 3-year-old seems hesitant to go to school, and it's 11:45 to 4:30 4 days a week. I worried perhaps it's too much, but I keep telling myself that in France they go all day! Is the little girl French? From the books I've read on France, she's acting very American and not at all French. Though, I'm sure France has some kids who are not well behaved.

I don't see any problem with giving her a small piece of chocolate when you pick her up. If that works and you get no problems with her coming with you after that, then I don't see an issue. Pick your battles. She has had a lot of changes lately and the less you have to fight her on the better. She will eventually adjust. Just be consistent with whatever method you choose. Good luck!

Talk to her ahead of time when she is calm and let her know what you expect from her. Tell her when you come to pick up it's time to leave...period. Explain to her what will happen if she refuses to cooperate and stick to it. Personally, I use the carry em out kicking and screaming/too bad we had to leave your things behind approach. Kids who are going through a lot of changes need firm boundaries even more than kids who aren't (to have a sense of certainty and security) so don't feel bad about laying down the law with her.