My son is 6 and in first grade. He has two best friends and all three of them will tell you that the other two are their best friends. When talking about it, they see themselves as three. However, the other two spend A LOT more time together outside of school with each other than they do with my son. They do a lot of play dates that he is not invited to and that are often planned last minute between the moms (or one of the grandmas who often watches one kid), so even if we did get invited, we can't necessarily make it. My son often feels hurt/sad/left out when he sees the other two going home together and doesn't get to go with him.
In no way do I think that my son should be invited on every play date. My question is how to handle it when he isn't. I need advice on what to say and how to make him understand that it can't always be all of them. Yes, I have said it like that before, but he is still hurt, so I'm looking for more ideas. How do I explain that he can't just invite himself, because he'll often say "Can I go to my friend's house?" when he comes up to me after school. When I say no, he'll say "But the other friend is going. Why can't I?" I need a good answer because "you weren't invited" just doesn't cut it.
I am good friends with both of the moms, though they are definitely closer to each other than to me (hence the boys spending more time together). I don't want them to feel like they have to include my son all the time, especially on the last minute/unplanned play dates. And yes, I do host the boys (one or both of the others) at my house when I can.
ETA: Thanks for the answers so far. I have been working hard to encourage other friendships and setting up play dates with other kids (he has one tomorrow, in fact). There are a couple of kids that I know he likes a lot so I am trying hard to build on those.
Friends don't do well in 3's...one is always left out. I would definitely start setting up play time with other kids...we had a similar situation and it really helped to widen my kid's social circle...
I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your son he wasn't invited this time. Point out he sometimes only invites one friend and not the other.
You can also tell him what you told us. The moms are very good friends and make the play dates for their boys.
I think you are doing just great. Just acknowledging his feelings will go far- "I'm sorry you don't get to go this time, I know that makes you feel sad" does a lot. And then quickly asking him if he would like to invite them to do something on X day, and finding something else to distract him. It just is what it is.
It sounds like these boys all do fine right now, but I'm with the others who say to start encouraging other friendships as well. 3s don't tend to work out well long term. We dealt with this with my daughter as well.
Good luck!
Ditto JC.
This will happen, not only now but also when older.
Not ALL friends have to be together, ALL the time.
Everyone has different schedules etc.
And it just is.
It is not "personal." Explain that to your son.
So he has his own sense of identity. And his own activities.
He can also make other friends or more friends. Or even invite another kid over that he has not before.
My kids do that.
Instead of saying he wasn't invited. You can also say that "this time"... you were not invited.
And even you, do not always invite ALL the boys over, either.
It just depends.
Both my kids have their BFF's. And other, friends.
Sometimes they are all here. Sometimes only some are.
And it just is.
Sometimes my kids do NOT want, ALL and EACH friend over all at the same time. It is just their choice at the time, and it is not personal, at all.
Sometimes they just want to be with one friend. Not all.
And if/when they are not invited to another friend's house, even if someone else is, they don't take it personally. Even when they were in Kindergarten.
Some friends also just clique, more than others. Even if they are all friends. Or maybe one family and kid, has a more similar schedule and routine, to each other, and not with the other family.
ie: my daughter has a friend, that is always wanting to come over or have my daughter over. But we often... turn it down. Why? Because, WE have, vastly different home/family routines and schedules, than them. And we are busy. It just does not work out. But it is not, personal. Against that kid or family. Versus with another BFF my daughter has, she and that girl see each other more per socials... because, we have more similar... schedules and the Mom is more... on par with my own timing of things.
But all 3 girls, are BFF's.
But not all of them at the same time, will be over at our house or my daughter at their house, all at the same time.
Fine.
No biggie.
And my daughter just takes it in stride. She doesn't take it personally.
And per my 7 year old son, it doesn't really phase him if a friend of his goes to another friend's house, but not him. It just is.
And both my kids, even if they have BFF's or regular friends, they also have... other friends that are not even in that same bunch of kids.
Three always creates problems. Unfortunately, he just has to accept that he will not always be included. No way of sugarcoating it. Sorry.
I think you need to acknowledge his feelings of sadness, but he also has to understand that he wasn't invited. So saying "I know your feelings are hurt and I'm sorry about that, but you weren't invited so you can't go." It's the truth. No need to sugar coat it - disappointment is part of life. Better he learn how to deal with it now.
BTW, I truly feel your pain when he sees the others going off together and gets sad. It breaks my heart when my GD gets left out as well.
Remember that setting up play dates with other kids that HE likes is important. My son had a few friends that I did not care for the mom's but he loved the kids so we set up play dates. It isn't always going to be that picture perfect, it is so fun getting together with you all. Sometimes you will drop him off and pick him up because you don't necessarily get a long with a mom or two.
Just some food for thought - is there a reason that you personally have not organized more play dates with these two boys?
What I mean is, it sounds like you're saying there are numerous occasions when your son is "available" for a play date, but you did not arrange a play date for him, and these other two moms went on ahead and arranged a play date for their sons.
Maybe the moms aren't including your son because they think you don't want him to be included, since you are not more "passionate" about rushing to arrange play dates? Some parents fill their kids' schedules more solidly.
There is NOTHING wrong with wanting your son to have more family time etc!! But, it might be worth thinking about this and discussing with your son if there is a reason that you actually don't want him to have more frequent play dates (and therefore are not quicker to make sure he is booked solid with play dates as much as possible).
What JC said. I would just tell him, but not in a bad way. I would also encourage making other friendships. Not that he needs to stop being friends with the other two boys, but there are tons of other kids that I'm sure would love to be friends with him. Maybe ask him if has a new friend that he would like to have over for a play date and see how it goes!
