Need a Reality Check Here

My kiddos don't have these issues but as a mom I will not allow sleepovers or playdates at their friends home for a long time..
I was no help but at least you know that their are other kids who don't go anywhere because their mama will not allow it..

Is your daughter an only? I have an only child and we tend to invite people to our house more than families with several kids (just makes sense, right?) My son has had his best bud stay over once (they're in 2nd gr) and we have kids over maybe once per week and a neighbor kid comes after school sometimes once or twice per week for an hour or two. My son gets invited to playdates maybe twice per month.
It's kind of a fun time now because we've met a lot of other nice families with similar aged kids in similar activities and the families are starting to do stuff like park picnics, bon fires, etc where the kids can all play and the adults get to actually interact with other adults!
If I were you, I would key in on her closest friends (O. or two) and have them as often as you (and she!) would like--you're right about mot making this a big deal to her b/c she may not even be aware of any issues!

Yep...moving every 2 years... I found sleepovers to be very regional. I had the most in south carolina and southern california. TONS. Often weekly. In SoCal we found that in our area school night sleepovers were commonplace as well. Coming home afterschool, doing HW, playing, taken to school the next morning. ((Never found that to be the norm anywhere else)). In OTHER states and places... maybe a sleepover bday party, but that was it. So once or twice a whole year.

Sometimes how many sleepovers was linked to how "popular" I was (which varied tremendously... I've been both queen bee and social outcast... still the same person, me, just different schools) and sometimes not. I had tons of sleepovers in soCal, and I wasn't a popular kid there... it was just the "norm". Instead of arranging playdates, parents arranged sleepovers.

For my own son... we've had loads of "piquito" sleepovers (aka until 10pm-midnight)). And parents come as well. Essentially a dinner party where the kids get in jammas and sleeping bags and watch movies and play while the parents hang out and then are carried home asleep. But we've yet to have a "real" sleepover. Although he and one of his besties are trying to get one going.

I don't know whether the lack of sleepovers here is a regional thing, or if parents have just gotten less relaxed, or if the preponderance of scheduling (from both activities AND from most families now being dual income AND for about half of the families out there being divorced) has just made it difficult (saturday games, parents working, having to pay for daycare even if it's missed, having limited family time, etc.).

Hi T.,
I want to answer your question from a different perspective. My son is ADHD and in third grade. He's absolutely brilliant as most ADHD kids are. He thinks about things differently and often comes up with ideas that are well beyond most kids his age; however, he struggles with schoolwork. He loses his temper easily too as most ADHD kids, but he is very sociable. In other words, he doesn't really have social problems -- he can get along with kids fine, but the combination of thinking things other kids don't, yet not being perceived as smart makes him different/weird. He gets quite a few invites, but he cries sometimes, saying he has no real friends -- that the friends he has hate him a little bit. When I see other ADHD kids, I see the same problem -- they are out of step with their peers -- but they don't exactly have social problems. They are just different and being different isn't exactly acceptable in kid society. I believe, although we haven't totally worked it out yet , that the key is finding our kids a few good friends. Some kids who understand them or at least appreciate them for who they are -- who have close bonds. So, I think you are doing the perfect thing -- getting her involved in a lot of activities where she meets a lot of kids who share her interests and can form a bond. Have you ever tried inviting one of the other kids who ride or skate for a playdate? My daughter who is not ADHD and is in 1st grade is Miss Popularity, but she doesn't seem to have as deep a need to tell her friends everything she is thinking -- she just plays. She is friends with everyone, but she is not so close to her friends as the few my son counts as friends. This seems to all be part of the ADHD profile.

I have an 11 year old daughter. She makes friends easily. You have to realize at their age the term "friends" is used very loosely. One week their best friends the next enemies. These little girls can be mean. When my daughter was in 4th grade one of her "BFF's" broke all her pencils at school because my daughter was friends with another girl her "BFF" didnt like.

I would say most girls get invited for sleepovers during birthday/slumber parties. Also, my daughter has had sleepovers,for her bday, but I limit the number of guests. This is prob the same for most parents. Its usually restricted to family and 2-3 school friends. The 2-3 friends she chooses is whoever she hangs with the most. So its not that she may not have friends its just the girls choose who they are most familiar with. I wouldnt take it personal. She will blossom onher own in time. Even though you may not feel you are making an issue out of it kids pick up on little statements/remarks we make. You may ask things like "Did you make any friends today?" or "Did you talk to so and so?" after awhile it will weigh on her.

Sidenote: Think about the most popular kids when you were in school. Where are they now? Usually they are not very successful in life. They missed the most valuble lessons growing up because their worth was equated to being liked and well known. They usually did anything to keep that status.

we did a lot of sleepovers, both ways, but reciprocation was never a big deal. some of my kids' best friends didn't have houses that were conducive to fun sleepovers so they would generally come to us, and then there were kids with pet allergies who couldn't ever come to our place. the kids never seemed to keep track, i doubt your daughter will either. coming or going, my kids usually had about one sleepover per month when they were smaller, and a lot more as they went into pre-teens and teenage years.
i think it's very healthy for kids to be comfortable and confident going to stay with friends and relatives, obviously ones you know are safe.
i think you're handling it really well, keeping her busy and inviting kids to your place. try not to get knotted up. your daughter has more challenges than some when it comes to finding kindred spirits, but i think with a pro-active sensible approach like yours she will discover just one or two others with whom her unique style clicks. and that's all anyone needs. not everyone is wired to be a social butterfly!
khairete
S.

I'm so glad you asked this question and I hope you get lots of good advice. I look at it from 2 different sides. My kids are a bit older now. My son has ADD and wasn't invited to too many things but the kids in school really liked him and he was and is very happy with his social life. He's not a follower so he choses not to be involved in the things that some kids his age are into. He's in HS now and this hasn't changed. He NEVER felt left out. But, boys are different and don't care as much about this stuff.
I also look at this from the side of having a daughter who does not have ADD but is a bit shy and doesn't seem to have too many friends. She does not get invited to a lot of stuff but she's also not ready to be doing the things that other girls her age are doing. When she was in 4th grade, she had a couple of good friends and one really BEST friend that she did everything with. I was also friends with the mom so it was easy for us to arrange for the girls getting together. That friend has since moved away and it's been tough for my daughter to reconnect with anyone. The advice I've gotten here has been great. Is this your daughter's problem or yours? Does she feel left out or is she happy at home with you? Given that she's only in 4th grade, I would definitely talk to her teacher to see how she feels your daughter socializes with kids in class. I would just continue to encourage her to invite kids over. Sometimes these days kids are so overscheduled that they're not getting together and having playdates as much as you would think. If your daughter's not stressing about it, I would definitely say to lay back and not begin to stress her out over it. I'm sorry I don't have better advice because this is something I struggle with too.
Good luck!

I have boys but my youngest's best friend is on meds and spends the night at our house about once every three months or so. He is a great kid. Our schedules don't allow for much more overnights than that.

If your daughter is anything like my son's best friend, she may be very picky about choosing friends. You really don't want to encourage friendships with children who may not be friendly at all. Keep her in the activities and let her make friends in other places and not just school. She is young and these things take time even for the best of us. She may just be an introvert which is fine too. My boy and his friend are both 14 but they are like twins when they are together. I'm happy they have each other and they just got to be friends over the last 6 months.

Is your daughter happy? Do you have more than one child?
I have four. We have moved alot, military. So for much of the first year in a new place we don't have sleepovers. In fact my first daughter hasn't had a sleepover in probably 6 years, she is 15. My 2nd daughter hasnt' had any in the last 4 years. She just turned 13.
Since we have moved back to an area we used to live she has gotten back together with a friend she had before.
I think you need to step back and not worry about it. Is she crying for a friend to sleep over? If not dont' stress over it.

Our neighborhood was very tight... so there were always kids spending the night somewhere on fri or sat night. Mine prefered to stay home and have kids over at our house because we had stuff to do, video games, trampoline, doughboy pool and such. I liked mine being home better anyway and could care less if they stayed at someone elses house.... so that was never an issue. Mine would usually come and ask me to say "no" if someone had hinted for them to spend the night at their house. They liked being "home".

Hi T..

I do not know what meds your child is taking but here is some data you and other moms need to know:

ADHD is not real! Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your child doesn't have challenges, but the actual label "ADHD" is fake as are psychiatry derived labels. Here is the truth:

www.cchr.org - "Inventing Disorders", "Alternatives"
www.ritalindeath.com/Against-ADHD-Diagnosis.htm
www.chaada.org/Page.html

* There are many many true stories to back what I'm saying and I care about the "treatments" that children receive. Take time to read the above and pass the info along. Thanks.

My third grade boy had one sleepover so far. But boys may be different and I'm glad he doesn't have sleepovers. Also he rarely has playdates, instead of having playdates somewhere, we usually end up staying at the school playground after school for half an hour or an hour. For us it works much better that way.
He also is in scouts, which is a good place to make friends.
He really isn't lonely and as far as I can tell he is pretty popular and has lots of friends. It just seems that everybody has a busy schedule and playdates rarely happen for kids that age.
Maybe you could find some after school activities where she will be with other kids from her school.
The fact that she doesn't get invited to playdates does not necessarily mean she doesn't have friends. It may mean that her friends moms don't like to host playdates. Keep setting up playdates at your house for her.

My kids aren't quite at that age yet, but just wanted to offer a suggestion -have you looked into possible parent groups or play/kids groups in your area for ADHD kids? If there is one, that may provide her with a new set of friends whose parents are a bit more understanding and eager for their kids to have playmates as well.

I am in your boat with my kids, but I have one typical kid, and she has more invatitions than the other two, or she used to...until the other two found thier stide.

I have two kids on the autism spectrum, and they are very high functioning, so their issues are very similar to ADHD, and they found releif by being in a school that had kids that were also on the spectrum. That is not always a possilbity, but they also found friendships in social skills classes. Find a speech therapist, or ask her therapist to recomend such a group. Weekly visits together mean that they practice social skills that help them in more typical situations, but they also develop friendships with the other children who accept them for who they are, and with whom they will share interets. It may not be exactly what you would choose, but if she is happy, you will be happy too.

M.

My daughter has ADD, but she has been friends with the same girl since first grade. She is now in fourth grade, and she only does a sleepover with this girl twice a year. Both times are for each of their birthdays, and they do not have playdates in between. They see eachother at school every day, and in my opinion, that is more than enough!

Many of the families in our area have a fridays only policy. During the week is too busy with homework and practice and on weekends there is sports. I happen to work on fridays which makes it difficult for me to reciprocate. I have noticed that it has changed from when we were kids.

I have twins who are in 3rd grade (one with ADHD and some lessor social issues) and we invite kids to come over and play - I mean schedule hard dates like 'can Johnny come over Saturday at 1 to play' kind of thing and the kids come over. They play and seem to have a good time. Not one single parent has reciprocated. I've gotten, 'oh if the boys want to play, send them over anytime', but none of the kids have come over to see the boys without specific invites, not one of them have invited the boys to their house either. I know that the generic invite has been offered by some, but at the same time, with both the hubby and I working and the couple activities we have the boys in, and the other kids are in, the times the boys have gone by to see if 'Johnny' could come out and play, they have yet to be home. This is not just one family, it's a few.

It is very frustrating. I do know that many of the kids in the neighborhood get together to play, but none seem to make the effort to include my boys.

They don't really seem to notice yet, but I know the day is coming and I fear a heartbreak coming.

I've found parents like that too. I have had so many of our neighbors over to our house for one reason or another. And I have never once been invited to their house for any reason. We have big birthday parties, invite lots of kids. I host cookie exchanges this time of year and have cookouts during the summer. People seem to come when there's food, but it'd be nice to get an invite once and a while.

Our daughter had sleepovers from K on and she is in 10th grade now. I am not opposed to sleepovers. It is a part of letting go as a parent.

There is some kid sleeping over here at least 1 weekend night a month and has for years.

We never expect reciprocation.

We have an only child, huge house and the kids love to come here because they have the entire upstairs to themselves and they don't bother us. The huge plus is that I know what they are doing. A lot of kids with siblings like it here because they are away from home, have more space and don't worry about the sibling issues at home.

EDIT: it is not a popularity contest as far as sleepovers here. We live in a pretty affluent area full of driven kids with high goals and the majority of them are successful as they come out of college. There is a lot of parental support and a tight neighborhood.