Ok mommies! I think its time to have "the talk" with my daughter who turned 9 in November. I have dreaded this for a very long time now but I don't think I should put it off anymore. *I* want to be the one to tell her and answer her questions, not her goofy friends at school. I've come to realize its time since she convinced me to watch a movie that her dad (divorced) let her watch. Unbeknownced to me, the movie was filled with not-so-subtle sexual inuendos and the word sex was used in nearly every other sentence! I was mortified watching it with her...and not so much because of the content, but more over the fact that she never blinked twice or questioned any of it. That makes me think that she has some information from somewhere. My problem is that I just don't know how to bring it up. Up until now, all she knows (from me anyway) is that women have periods so that their bodies can have babies and that she will have one some day too. She also has always been told that God puts the babies in mommy's belly, and the doctor cuts it out (thanks to my 4 c sections, I've been able to avoid the "where do babies come from" question).
How did you have "the talk" with your daughter? How do you start? What do you say? I certainly want to use it as a learning experience and a chance to reinstil our faith and beliefs. I also don't want to scare her. Are there books that we can read togeter? Ahhhhh I'm so lost, lol.
I remember at that age watching with my parents a beautiful PBS show about how babies are made. It was well done and didn't take away from my beliefs. Other kids I knew were clueless about how things really worked, but had picked up on crude humor instead. I did share what I learned with them, maybe because I felt sorry for them that they weren't getting the info from their parents.
Instead of having "the talk" I think a better approach would be to have many conversations spread out over years. It sounds like you've already started with the info about periods and c-sections. Since you've already watched that uncomfortable movie, start with "Sweetie, what did you think about that movie?" You'll find out what she already knows, correct or incorrect, and if she's ready for more information. If she is, then you can have a conversation about what the reality is. Don't seem uncomfortable about talking to her about sex, you're the expert here and you're sharing your knowledge with her. It's not hard to explain the technical aspects of "how to make a baby", but it gets a bit harder to discuss the emotions and feelings associated with sex, boys, crushes, etc and how it all affects her life and faith. Those are the conversations you'll have with her for many years if you're open with her and she trusts you. Those are the conversations that really count.
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Hi- I'm sorry but you're kidding yourself if you think the only info she has is what you've told her. She's 9 years old! Do you really think she thinks God puts a baby in a woman's stomach and then a doctor cuts it out? You should discuss stuff like that the same way you teach her anything else in life. When the subject comes up naturally, when you were watching the movie would have been a perfect time espeically if you didn't agree with her seeing it in the first place or thought it was inappropriate. You could compare your values to that in the movie or discuss why it bothers you that they were treating sex so casually. Really the mechanics are less important than the feelings and moral guidance you want to give her. I could be wrong but I'd bet she knows a lot more about the basics of sex than you think. There are great books out there with all knids of information if you don't feel comfortable about the details. I really don't think the biology is nearly as important as the realtionship side, the emotions young people feel, knowing how to speak up for themselves and protect themselves in all kinds of situations. Having an open two way relationship with your girl will be so important in the coming years. You cannot have that relationship if you are so uncomfortable discussing a subject that she needs to understand in order to be a healthy adult. Good Luck!
First of all I think it is good that you are planning to talk to her. If you are uncomfortable talking to her....then do it while you are driving around and not looking at each other. Ease into it if you are not comfortable.
I have a 15 yr old and I have been very open and honest from day 1. We did talk about body parts, how they work, sex, everything, etc when she was very young. One thing I've always done is had my door wide open for communication. She knows she can ask me anything about anything and I will give her my best information and if I don't know, I will find out.
American Girl has a good book called The Care and Keeping of You and I did have that for my daughter as well.
I guess the most important thing I can say is to COMMUNICATE OPENLY and HONESTLY with no topic off limits.
This has helped me a lot with my daughter. She has shared things I don't need to know and if her friends knew I knew it they would be flabbergasted. Of course...maintain confidentiality....no matter how funny something might be. I noticed recently that 2 friends were not coming over anymore and simply asked what's up with ____ & ____? This is when she confided that she is no longer friends with them because they started using drugs (weed) and having sex with any boy that will do it with them. She told me "mom I can't be with them because if I am and they have drugs, I will be in as much trouble as they are just because I am associated with them." That's when I said THANK YOU, BLESS YOU and I LOVE YOU.
J.-
I hate to say it, but the chances are that she already knows everything.
I remember reading the book "Where did I come from" when I was 8, but kids had been talking about sex in 2nd grade for a long time. It was just confirmation that what someone said was true.
My husband had a different experience. He grew-up in a more sheltered family that was very religious, and the subject of sex was forbidden. He has no recollection of a conversation with his parents, received no discussions in health class at a private Christian school and only recalls a pamphlet someone gave him.
I'd have the conversation, and I'd keep it open for discussion any time she has questions she wants to ask.
I know girls who lost their virginity in 7th grade (at 11 years old). I didn't have my first kiss until I was in 10th grade because I was so nervous.
Believe me, they're talking about it in school, and I'm of the opinion it's better to learn morality from you, her mom, than the other kids. I'd explain what's great about it and why it's important to wait until she's an adult because of the unwanted consequences.
If you approach it openly, biologically, and honestly, I think you'll be leaps and bounds ahead of many other families.
Oprah did a show about it last year with an 11 year-old guest correspondent. I'd recommend either going to her website or seeing if you can find the show on Hulu.com to see how they approached it. The parents were in complete AWE how much their kids knew and how much they wanted honesty and to have the converstion.
Be honest and keep things simple for the most part. Sometimes a simple "Sex is how mommies and daddies make babies." is all they need and all they really want. Just sit her down and ask her about the movie you watched, see if she has any questions, ask her what she knows about sex. Once you know what she does you can go about correcting anything you feel you should and filling in the information you think she should have.
Good luck.
I find that the more honest and open you are, the better. I had to have the talk with my daughter when she was 7 because of a very mature friend of hers that lived down the street. She learned the word "sex" and "lesbian" all in one summer. (Let's just say that the friendship ended rather quickly!) I approached it very honestly with my daughter and told her how things work. She said, "oh" and that was the end of it. If she ever has a question such as, "What is puberty?" or something of that nature, I'm just glad that she comes to me for the answer and not her friends or someone else. It's really not that bad to talk to your children about this stuff and they respect you more for being honest with them. I'm just preparing for the future when they have a more difficult problem and need an answer from someone who loves them.
I have a boy that's just turning 7 y/o and I give simple explanation for things now. He's a digger for information. The one day he found a tampon and asked what it was. I simply replied it's something girls need sometimes. His reponse "What do girls need it for? Where do they put it? Big girls or little girls?" He doesn't always say what's going on in his brain but man he has questions about everything in life, how they work and what they do!
As a kid I remember the "sex talk" being a regular thing at my house (and with my parents still is UG!) My dad loved to make jokes to see how we would react, what we knew and educate us from there. Sex was something him and my mom got to do because they had a marriage license which gave them permission to do so under God's rules. We were also told that some people don't follow Gods rules and that's their choice but if we lived in their house then we followed Gods rules.
As for exposure to movies...I was watching Dirty Dancing at age 6 or 7. It was my mom's favorite movie--and come to think of it HER favorite time to talk to us about things.
