The Birds & the Bees Talk with My Daughter

Hi. This dates me but does anyone use 'Free to be you and me' anymore? I remember it so fondly. You can find most of the best bits on YouTube. Good luck. D.x

If she loves comic style books, here's one.
It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families

Where Did I Come From?

The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls... by Valorie Schaefer
4.8 out of 5 stars (312) $9.95

It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm... by Robie H. Harris
4.6 out of 5 stars (79) $10.18

What's the Big Secret?: Talking about... by Laurie Krasny Brown
4.2 out of 5 stars (26) $6.99

How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It's Best... by Linda Eyre
3.9 out of 5 stars (15) $10.17

Those are Amazon.com prices.
Stephanie

Hi Becca, it's funny how some kids want to know and others avoid it at all costs. I have two daughters ages 14 and 11 and both prefer a minimum of info from Mom. I did give them the EXCELLENT book by the "American Girl" library called "You and Your Body". It does a great job of talking about a girl's body and development and from there the birds and bees conversation is a natural next step. I also find that it isn't necessary to give them all the information an adult would understand when they ask you certain questions, ie, you could say that sex is touching between grown ups who are committed to each other or something like that. Or you could be clinical and get a book on anatomy at the library and show her in that way. I just don't think it's necessary to tell them more than they are comfortable hearing unless there is a reason they need to know. If she has friends with older brothers. then she may need to know sooner than later. In my case my girls were completely mortified when we spoke about it.

Hi,
Oprah had a great show about this recently. I encourage you to go to oprah.com and search for "Having the Sex Talk with Your Kids". It is a great article that I hope will help you.

I second Karen U.: the book "Where Did I Come From" is really a great starter. It covers the basics without getting clinical, and it is a fun book. Nine years old seems a little old for her to be having her first questions, so encourage her--- other kids may have made her feel that questions about sex are "naughty," or somehow shameful. But don't give her an overload of information. You should expect to have many "Birds and Bees" conversations over the next few years. Be honest and forthright about everything she wants to know, so that she won't hesitate to come back to you for more information.

I have a son. And the day I found out I was having a son I thanked God and told his father he was going to have to tell him about the birds and the bees. And if by some chance my husband were to fail to do this to my satisfaction he was in deep poo. In all seriousness, the responsibility to educating our children about sex lies with both parents.

With-that-said, unfortunately the cruel fact is our children are having sex at earlier and earlier ages. I’ve heard of children having sex at 10 years old. If your daughter is asking about sex, it’s the chance of a lifetime to be honest and open, set the ground work for future discussions.

I agree with the mother who said you should be clear about the reproductive process. My mother rented a few physiology books from the library, now you can use the internet, and showed me the internal as well as the external sex organs. She explained the process and let me ask as many questions as I needed to ask. My mother armed me with a tremendous amount of knowledge.

You see, my mother did this in the 70’s when people didn’t talk about sex. She wasn’t a well educated woman, she knew she needed help and thus turned to the books. I cannot tell you how smart of a thing to do that was. I was NEVER in doubt about how I or any of my friends could/might get pregnant. I never put myself in even a remotely compromising position. I knew what would happen if I had – SEX. Sex was a real thing, sex was how babies were made, and sex was for those you loved. Sex was not a mystery to me.

Untimely you are her mother, you will decide what and how you tell your daughter about sex. HOWEVER, make no mistake if she’s asking, then her friend’s are talking about it. Speak with her now while she’s still ready to hear what you have to say. In a few years she will do the teenager thing and distance herself from you.

Best of luck,
D.

I have a 10 year old daughter (and 14 year old son) and wanted to be ready for this! You want to cover puberty - what's happening to their bodies - as well as sex and babies. I bought books early and simply had them hand and then put on the bookshelf in their bedroom for when the kids were curious and came across them.

We have the "It's So Amazing Book" and "The Care and Keeping of You" (american girl) mentioned below. I also got "It's Perfectly Normal" also by Robie Harris and Michael Emerbely and "What's Happening to Me?" both the boys and girls editions (I liked them better than the similarly titled "What's Happening to My Body") I can't find it now (meaning it's somewhere in her room) but I got a book on Periods for my daughter as well. I think it was called "the period book" but I can't remember the title for sure. Check them out at the bookstore before buying or reviews at Amazon. That's how I decided and she loves it.

I've loaned our books out to friends to check them out before they buy - you might check with friends or co-workers to see if they have some as well. I've also passed along the younger geared ones once we moving on to more detailed information.

there is a great book called "where did i come from?" which you may find on amazon, not sure if it is in print recently...it has basic facts, in a very family based format (such as, mommy and daddy have feelings with each other, as opposed to just a man and a woman), and cartoon pictures of male and female in all their lumpy, bumpy, average person glory. names parts, explains sex, and somehow also addresses positive body image. good luck!

Around age 7-8, I had my son watch this movie called My Mommy is having a Baby. Afterwards we talked about it. It was years ago but if I remember right it had both people and cartoon characters in it and it was explained quite well. Then over the years, my son had questions and I was able to be totally honest. Today he is a father of two kids.

When I was growing up, my parents were really good about talking about sex and love. They would talk about it at the breakfast table, in the car... anywhere to make it seem as natural as possible.

The two good resources I have come across are the Oprah show
http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090326-tows-talk...

and the UU materials

http://www.uua.org/religiouseducation/curricula/ourwhole/

and good luck!

I second the recomendation to watch the Oprah show online. That was fantastic and gave helpful strightforward tolls on how to talk to your daughter about this hard subject.

Also, American Girl has a whole line of books related to girls and growing up. You might check www.americangirl.com in the book section.

Good luck,
N.

Check out the books by Gail Saltz - I'm sure you can find them on Amazon to at least have a look at them. There is a preschool-age book called "Amazing You" that just talks about body development, but there is also a 2nd book for the 7-10 age range. My kids like reading the young one so far, so I'll get the 2nd one in a year or two!

A.

Oh Becca, I was so happy to see your post because I am in the same boat with my 9 year old. What has helped us have the talk so far are animals. We were around a female in heat and my daughter asked why we had to keep her away from the males. Well, no other way to answer it......now the questions are coming about "Did you and Dad do that gross thing to make Ryan?" (Allison was adopted) When I asked what the gross thing was she got all embarrassed and didn't want to talk abut it anymore. I did not say any more on the subject because I want her to be able to tell me what she knows first. I don't think there is any easy way to do any of this.....

My one summer project is the American Girls book, "Keeping of your Body" I think it's called. It talks about the changes in a girl's body in a sweet but straight forward way. I figure that will open a lot of doors for conversation. Take a look at the book. I have read sections but not cover to cover yet. I want to do that before I give it to her, so I know EXACTLY what I am getting myself into :)

Good luck and keep us posted!!

I have two neices. 8 and 10 years old. My sister told me that their Girl scout group had a woman come talk to them about this kind of stuff. She said the lady was very detailed and gave a lot of good information. Might be something to look into, if your daughter in in Girl Scouts. Hope this helps. Good luck. I have a 9 year old step daughter so I am sure I will be there soon too.

Becca,

Before going into detail about sex, ask her what she knows, what did the boy tell her? You can clear up a lot of confusion by answering just what she asks. Be honest and use the correct terms for body parts etc.

Good luck!

Molly

Hi Becca-

I agree, it is an awkward conversation. The book I would recommend is "Where Did I Come From?" It has classic 1970's graphics, but that is part of the charm. You might find the silliness of the pictures helps to break the ice, so to speak. It's matter of fact and fun. Goo0d luck.

There is a great two session mother and daughter class at Lucille Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford on puberty called Heart to Heart. I think girls need to be 10 yo, but you could ask. My daughter loved it, and it really opened up the conversation for us.

Browse Amazon.com for books - you can usually read the jacket covers and maybe even the first page to get ideas. If you find a book that looks promising the website will list "other customers who bought this book also bought:" And you can usually get a rating and buy a used copy for alot cheaper!
I think simple answers - not too much info would be good. Let her ask questions - answer them but not too elaborately. I remember being completely grossed out in sex ed class in 8th grade.
Also - tell her what to expect as far as changes to her body and at about what age you experienced them - like armpit hair, sore breasts, etc. I got my period at 11 - would have thought I was dying if my mom hadn't told me about it when I was 10.

I don't know about any books, but the conversation isn't a "one and done". This is an on-going conversation that may creep up more and more as she approaches puberty. My suggestion is to give her the medical facts about pregnancy in terminology she can understand. Don't sugar coat it or water it down; it is what it is, and the more we make it seem something else the more the mixed-message.

Be brave and straightforward.

Hi Becca,

My daughter too will be 9 in July and she too have had my daughter ask me about this. A boy brought it up in her class. I didn't really know how much detail to giver her either. I told her that sex was somthing that adults do when they love each other and didn't go much further than that. She seemed to be content with that answer but I told her that if she had any questions to ask me first and not her friends this way I know what the kids on the playground are talking about and can answer her question appropriately and also make sure that I am not giving her more information than she needs right now. Hope this helps. Good luck

Yes, this is about the age when my daughter started asking. There are some wonderful books, but for a first one I'd start with It's Not The Stork by Robie H. Harris. Good luck! C.

I completely agree with what the other moms have said. It might help if the two of you sit down with a book that explains it, so that you then can discuss any questions the information generates. I'd bet you anything that she has already heard more detailed stuff at school, and some of it may be wrong, so this is a really good time to both make sure her info is factual and begin to talk about your family values surrounding this stuff, whatever they are--which will let her know you are willing to discuss them calmly rather than debate and dictate them.
A really good book with cute and comical drawings is Peter Boyle's "Where Do I Come From?", but you could ask at either the public library or her school library for other recommendations. (When I read that one to my son in third grade, we had already had "the talk", but I asked him at the end of the book if he had heard any kids say things that didn't agree with this book. You should have heard the list of fantastic errors that the kids had come up with--from lack of factual information on the basics!) Another good source of information about how to discuss sex with your kids is Planned Parenthood, they have a good reading list. Bottom line is that you want her to have correct info, and she for sure won't get that from her peers in school, ever! And of course, you want her to know she can come to you with questions--that's the uncomfortable part, but sitting down with a good book together means you're both starting the discussion from the same point, which is much easier.
Good luck!

Dear Becca,
I remember one summer when I was a kid, about 8 I think...
I always went to visit the next door neighbor after lunch because she had a little baby that I just adored. I would keep the baby entertained while Dorie did the dishes or folded laundry. Dorie had a favorite show which didn't interest me much. It was a "soap". One day on the show, there was high drama and a lot of talk about making love. I asked Dorie what that meant and she said, "You'd better ask your mother".
So, I did. About 20 minutes later, in the middle of the street, right in front of the ice cream man.
From the look on my mom's face, suddenly I was hoping she'd be too busy losing consciousness to get her hands on me.
I got a lesson that day. Mostly about when and when NOT to bring up certain things.
My mom was always very open about periods and tampons and things that would happen to me and my sister's bodies as we got older. I think starting out with that kind of information is best at first. I didn't start my period until I was 15, but my little sister was only 10.
So it's definitely good to have those types of conversations.
A child therapist told me once that it's best not to give too much "adult" information. In other words, it's best not to get too graphic.
If your child asks you about sex you can ask what they want to know about it or what they've heard and kind of go from there.
I'll never forget being in a doctor's office and filling out a form and my son asking me why there was a sex question. I told him that there are two boxes to check because there are two sexes...one female sex and one male sex. Are you a girl or a boy? What sex are you?
He said, "Put me down as a boy, but can't they tell the difference?"
So, it wasn't really a sex question that I had to get into a long explanation about right then.
Sex is everywhere in one form or another so you definitely need to temper an innocent question with a full on explanation that maybe the kid didn't really want to hear if they'd thought twice about asking.
I'm a single mom too. My son already knows about periods and bras and mini pads because he was raised by a mom and sister.
I think it's the little every day things that come up that you explain as you go along that takes some of the mystery out of it and it just seems like a natural thing.

I'm sure you've received some great advice and I wish you the best.

I have a 9yo and was shocked when the dr said it is time to have the talk. well I haven't yet but he gave me a book called let's talk about sex. I was looking for it I misplaced it so I can't give you the title but they say it is a great book. good luck

Okay, so maybe I am a little conservative, but I have a 19 year old, 14 year old and a 9 year old daughter... I did not give any of them the "talk" that young. They ask questions only because they hear things from other kids and are curious about that. I would tell her that sex is something that two people who love and care about each other very much in a committed relationship use as a way to show special affection. My girls were satisfied with that - one asked "like special hugging and kissing?".

I gave them little bits of information at a time and reviewed their books from school on the subject with them. They need to know - just not everything all at once as its overwhelming and scary that way.

I don't recall my daughter being that curious at 9 but at 11 I told her When you get big you will meet the man that will be your husband and after you get married you will make love. Love juice comes from the daddy to the mommy. Mommy has baby eggs and when the love juice gets to the baby egg Mommy gets pregnant and the sweet baby grows inside of her for 9 months and then is born most of the time from the mommies vagina or private parts. I told her that this is supposed to be something special between a married mommy and daddy. You can tell her later what happens. In 6th grade they will show the goofy sex ed film. I bought my daughter a book called About my body or me and my body.

I have babies right now so this issue will come up later on for me. But I can tell you how my mum handled it :-)

My mum said that it's an ongoing conversation. Talk openly and honestly with your kids all the time so they feel free to approach you and know they will get a straight forward reply.

Try to ask what they've heard as a starting point.

Don't go into details and don't describe every aspect from the beginning to the end. If they want to know more, they'll ask more questions. Start with simple explanations to lead into it and see if she wants to pursue the conversation or not. This is where it's an ongoing conversation comes in :-)

Answer her questions whenever and wherever they come up.

I don't remember specific details, but I think my mum started out when I was 5 saying babies came from a husband and wife loving each other. As I got older she filled in the details about the names of body parts and where they go. I figured out the mechanics of how it worked from watching movies and TV. When I started my period she reminded that now I could have babies, which grossed me out.

What I remember loving about my mum and those haphazard conversations here and there was how matter of fact she was about it. She wasn't at all embarrassed. She didn't blush or hem or haw. Because she was so comfortable about it, I felt less embarrassed to ask questions. Oh, and she was ALWAYS saying, "If you have any questions, any at all, about anything, come and ask me." 7th grade sex ed was PAINFUL because the teacher blushed and sweated through the whole thing and I didn't learn a darned thing my mother hadn't already told me.

Sometimes I wished I hadn't asked something and felt embarrassed, but then I liked how she'd totally change the subject and let it drop. She never pushed it. I also liked how sometimes I felt totally grossed out, but she was honest. I'd say something like, "Men and women do THAT? That is SOOOOOOOOOOOO Disgusting! I'm NEVER doing that!!" She'd laugh and say when you really thought about it, she supposed it would sound gross, but she liked it a lot.

So, overall, just be honest :-) Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes.

Hi Becca,

My daughter started asking questions about a year ago. She is 9 1/2 now. I answer her questions as they come up. I am as honest as possible and I use the correct terms for things.
My parents did not really have a talk with me either. However, my husband's parents gave him the talk together and then he had individual talks with both parents so that he would be able to ask either parent. So, when my daughter started asking for real facts, we just gave them to her. And, then we give her time to process and think about them. So, every few months she comes up with more questions.

I hope this helps.

D.