The SO Complaining.

I have 3 year old twins, and an 8 month old. My husband thinks the house needs to be pretty kept up, too. I straighten up a little everyday while they're napping, and clean every other week. Its easier to stay on top of it, instead of getting behind.

If I were in this situation, I'd tell my SO "I'd like to find a time with you to talk about this when we both aren't tired." Then, ask him to make a list of HIS house-cleaning priorities, and to put them in an order of importance. This will help him get a little clarity on what's important to him. He may come up with a laundry list, so be prepared.

When the conversation happens, Iook at the list. Have your own list, too, a schedule of 'what needs to be done' for the day to work FOR YOU and the kids. Compare lists. Ask him for some flex on his end, and try to accomodate his top three priorities.

If it were me, I'd also be clear that when he says "You don't do anything all day" that it's hurtful and degrading and takes for granted *all* that you do. You keep two children who are at very high-needs ages taken care of and well-cared for. You are getting the housework done. If HE choses to sweep and mop when he gets home, that is his choice. If he has OCD and chooses not to get therapy/help for this, that too is his choice, but he is NEVER to tell you that you don't do anything all day ever again. This edict might sound harsh, but what he's saying is incredibly disrespectful to you, and he wouldn't care for it if you just turned to him and said "Well, you have it so much easier at work! I have to do it all!"

Sometimes, those hard, boundary-making conversations need to happen. If my husband said that to me, we'd be calling up the marriage counselor. Seriously. I don't know ANYONE with young children who has a perfect house for more than the 20 minutes after the cleaning lady leaves, ha ha.( And most of us don't have cleaning ladies-- it's just us.) It sounds like you're doing a stellar job and he needs to be listened to, but also given some boundaries. The man is making the CHOICE to clean house late at night. Let him be a big boy and be responsible for his choices instead of making it 'your fault'.

I know it is hard with two little ones I have been there. Unfortunately I am a clean freak so I never had these issues. Mine was the opposite I would say the house was filthy and my husband would just look at me. Some things you can try is to make an effort to clean up as you go along. If you keep up things won't get so out of control. Another thing I did was try to cook some things on the weekends I could freeze and just have to warm up. That made the kitchen stay nice. The second I stepped out of bed I made it, my kids and started laundry. I know it is hard but if you let things pile that is when you get so overwhelmed and just don't feel like doing it. Start teaching your 2 year old to do the clean up game so he/or she will learn to clean up as well and that will help you out also. Two is not to little to teach them. Only allow one toy out at a time so things don't pile up. Your husband is working alot of hours and although working outside the home is SOOO much easier then staying at home I can see where he is frustrated. He should be more understanding but unfortunately being a stay at home mom is under appreciated, I know I did it for 15 years. Things will get better, try to nap when the kids nap and tell hubby he has to be patient that your job is not as easy as he thinks. Good luck!!

Just read your so what happened. To be honest I think this is more about him not respecting you then your original post stated you being lazy. If you are keeping a clean house, caring for his children, and he still isn't satisfied then this is more about him and his issues and has nothing to do with you doing something wrong. You need to put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve from him. He should be supportive of you for staying home and raising his children rather then criticizing you.

Is there a problem with it...NO! Does that make you lazy...NO! Just tell him what you just said to us on the post...and as long as you are trying your best then he shouldn't complain. Tell him "I'm trying my best. Do you know how hard it is to take care of two kids? I don't want to start cleaning the second they go to bed. I'm not lazy I'm exhausted and it would really help if you were there for me. I know you work but I need help, can you be a little bit more understanding?" AND after you approach him about it and he still isn't happy tell him he can clean it all by his damn self lol! Good luck!

The fact that you have a 1 month old should be an obvious reason the house is not in order....I think you should agree with him that the house is not in perfect order, but can you give me some time to adjust doubling the babyload.
I dont think not cleaning makes you lazy. I think you just had a baby and you need time to adjust...your priorities are with learning your new baby and trying to still give lots of attention to your 2 year old.
Could it be possible that on the weekend, daddy take the kids out of the house for 2 or 3 hours so you can get things done and clean in peace and quiet??

Ugh. Sorry that you are going through this. I went through this. Sometimes guys just don't get it...and you are still in your postpartum weeks, with a child at a month old. They must think cleaning the house is such an easy thing to do...

My husband has accepted long ago to just deal with it or leave, to be honest. I can't take being pressured...I was not born to be a housemaid. I do the best that I can, and I want to believe that my husband has finally accepted that this really is true. I also do not feel up to cleaning as soon as the toddler is off to bed...I want a little me time too! We have decided to use a housekeeper and that cut down a lot on the arguing and fighting between us. You may want to consider it too...they may not be as pricey as you think. Even once a month of someone else cleaning may be just enough to help you along and keep the peace.

My attitude is this:
If he wants to come home at 11:30 and start cleaning - let him. If he doesn't think it's perfect enough - so be it. Just go to bed and ignore it. Don't take it to heart.
Tell him that next weekend, you are going on a girls' weekend. Leave. Go to a friend's or relative's or even a hotel. Do not clean. Do not cook or prepare meals. Just go. Let him see how hard it is to do it all...
Do not call except to tell him you've arrived.
Believe me... he will get the picture.

LBC

Instead of saying,"you want it this way you do it", try having a nicer tone with him. Why not say, "honey, I am so exhausted, I feel terrible. I hope I get my energy back soon, so please bear with me during this time. I know the house isn't lookig great but I just don't have energy right now, I'm so sorry". A response like this can't possibly lead to fighting. You'll get much farther than if you take the superior sounding tone you are taking.

*** ADDED: I just read your So What Happened. Sounds like you are doing a really great job with the housework -- a lot better than I have been doing of late. I'm sure that with your husband working so many hours, he is out of touch with what is really going on at home while he is at work and how much time and energy goes into taking care of two very young children every day.

It also sounds like he's working a lot of hours and, when he's stressed and tired, focuses on housecleaning because that is the only thing that he can control or he may be one of those people who needs to have their home environment perfectly clean in order to truly relax. If that's the case, I'd suggest that the two of you budget some money for a housecleaning service to come in each week to do the deep cleaning that you don't have the time and energy to do right now. ***

ORIGINAL POST:
It's hard to keep things clean or find the energy to clean when you have a toddler and a baby to take of all alone. I don't know if it's the case that your husband expects things to be pristine when he gets home (one extreme) or if you are letting household chores really slide and things are a complete mess (the other extreme) but maybe the two of you can sit down and discuss what your expectations are, what your obstacles are (caring for two little ones single handedly is a big hurdle!), and what kind of solutions can work for both of you.

For me, I am not some one who likes doing housework but I do like having a clean house. I know that I will always have to be that "do it right away" girl if I am ever going to get anything done around the house because, if I procrastinate, I always end up forgetting to come back and complete the chore and then things just start piling up. If you are not doing it already, maybe developing a basic routine during the day where you clean up the kitchen immediately after each meal, do one load of laundry each day, and engage your 2-year old in picking up his strewn toys a couple times thoughout the day, then you may be able to get the rest and relaxation that you need at the end of the day.

I think that maybe this just be a matter of talking to your husband and coming up with some reasonable expectations and an action plan. I have to say though, once you have kids, unless you can afford a housekeeper, the best most of us can hope for is to maintain a somewhat clean and clutter-free home. It will probably never be super clean and spotless like it was pre-kids. A good website that may give you some ideas and structure to your cleaning routine is www.flylady.com. I highly recommend you check it out.

Hope that this helps.

My DH is very much the same...I could sweep the kitchen floor minutes before he walked in the door...he would come in change clothes and be in the kitchen with me while I was fixing dinner and be sweeping the floor, again.

It used to make me mad...like when he completely unloaded the dirty dishwasher I had just loaded because I had it loaded "wrong". I told him so help me if he did that again I would never load the thing ever again and it would permanently be his job. (Now he does the dishes every night after dinner...he does them "right"...I bathe the kids...I do that "right".)

I don't sweep the kitchen floor anymore (well, I am recovering from a back injury so it isn't a good idea anyways). I just let him do it in the evenings as part of his kitchen cleaning routine.

We basically decided I would never clean things the way he wants them clean. So, I found a housekeeper and she cleans the way he wants things clean. She comes every other week...I "maintain" her/his clean between visits. He is happy it is getting done the "right" way. I am not frustrated that I am doing it "wrong" and he is redoing it.

My husband is ex-military and a perfectionist to boot...but I wouldn't trade him. He did tell me if I got hit by a bus he would propose the housekeeper and have a platonic marriage.

You just have to find out what works for you and your husband.

My solution was to work on Saturday mornings and leave him in charge of the whole show. I'd come home around 2 in the afternoon, and find the kids still in their jammies, and they had eaten breakfast or lunch, but never both. He stopped complaining very soon.

Looks like this is a difficult thing to live up to! I am all about cleaning the house (because I probably have OCD). To try and make things work I would make sure the house is "picked up" and that the kitchen is clean every night. The kitchen is my pet peeve...if it is dirty, I think the whole house is dirty!

I know how you feel, but if he is honestly working that much, and you have elected to be the stay-at-home mom, I think you have to face that no one should only do "half" a job. Part of staying at home is taking care of the home...if you were working, he wouldn't have to work as much, and the two of you could more evenly share chores.

That being said, I am a stay-at-home mom, and I know your frustration with him not recognizing how tough it is to care for two children (or more!), but think about how great he'll think you are if you CAN do it all...and trust me, you can.

One hint I've found that I'll share...start from immaculate and do things right away. Have him take the children on his day off, then clean the house from top to bottom, organize, put away...really do it all. Then, when things need to be done or put away, do it as SOON as you can. You know, dishes RIGHT after a meal, dry, and put away, laundry RIGHT into the closet instead of a stack on the chair, toys away after children are in bed (they play better each day if they can start fresh, anyhow).

And as far as cleaning goes, it's so much quicker and relatively effortless if you do it before it "needs" to be done. Seriously, try cleaning your bathroom three days after you've done it, and you'll find it takes about five minutes because it's still "clean"...and it's so easy! So just do it every three days, and it only takes five minutes. I do the same with all my cleaning...and it never becomes "heavy duty" cleaning because it's being kept clean before it gets dirty.

These are things I've just figured out along the way, but then again, my children are older than yours and I've had to time to figure out how to deal with my frustration over it. You will find a way to do it, I promise!

But please, don't take it out on your husband...there are so many people who are not fortunate enough to have a hard working husband who works so hard just so you can stay home...and that is a gift! :)

Been there, done that. I finally got a Moms calender and started listing out what we had planned for the day, for example: Monday: Morning Bath, Music class at the Y @ 10:30-11:10, grocery shopping, naps @ 2 (and we all know they never seem to nap at the same time). Play doh for craft time, Monday Kids Laundry. Chicken for dinner. And I always try to clean the kitchen while I am making dinner. Yes, sometimes when lunch rolls around breakfast is still on the table. With a independent little one and one attached to you, things can not always get done right away. With a consistent calender list he can see what you planned for the day and that you attempted some housework. Also I find it so much easier to have all the toys organized in baskets so those toys can be put away quickly during nap time or at bed time for a clutter free look. And with a 1 month old you need nap time! And when you are both home, stick to a schedule but minus some of the extra housework for family time.You are not a full time maid, he will have to learn that one thing at a time ie: kids Laundry, or master bath. Once the kiddos are both on the move you will have less time because they will want to do other things and will not want to wait for you to finish cleaning a bathroom you may close to clean the counter top and toilet, let your SO clean the tub and floor. My husband and I like to do a major cleaning hour (Vacuum, dust, dishes) on Friday night so for the weekend we have a clean house. Best of luck! and No you are no lazy, you are mom. P.S. I have not folded my laundry from 2 weeks ago!

If I worked 15 hour days, I would not feel like coming home and cleaning either.

When he complains about the house not being clean, what are we talking about here? Clutter and general messiness or abject squalor?

Does he have any idea how hard it is to keep up house cleaning when you have a 2 year old and a 1 month old? How about if you leave him in charge one weekend, leave for the day, and see how much he gets accomplished?

Ask him if he is willing to pay for a housecleaning service instead?

Can he be in charge of the kids for a few hours each weekend day so you can get caught up on things?

Check out flylady.com - they have some great tips in there for keeping your home cleaned up and organized in minimal amounts of time.

Otherwise, just tell him, hey, I am doing the best that I can. I can't do much while the kids are awake and by the time they are both in bed, I am pooped.

EDIT: I just read your "so what happened" so now it seems to me that your SO has different expectations and they are just unrealistic. You are doing a better job than I am and I just have 1 child, never mind 2, including a newborn. I think you need to sit down and have a discussion about what his expectations are, because it is incredibly unfair of him to think that you don't do anything all day when in fact you are keeping the house in order as well as taking care of a 2 year old and a new baby. I still think it might be helpful if you "disappeared" for 1 or 2 days over a weekend and let him see how much work is really involved and how he feels at the end of the day. Or tell him you are going on strike for a day or 2 - just take care of the kids but don't clean anything or pick anything up and see what his response is when he gets home. You can also discuss having a housecleaning service come in every 2 weeks or so to get some more deep cleaning done. But if he feels he needs to clean house when he comes home, after you've been at it all day, then he is the one with the problem, not you. He needs to adjust his expectations and start treating you with more respect.

My moms neighbor had a husband like this. Their entire house was light beige, carpeting sofa's EVERYTHING. He picked it all out bit of a control freak. She cleaned and vacuumed DAILY. He still came home every night and vacuumed and dusted everything she did that day. OCD, nothing she could have done. I say your hubs is OCD and absent too long to see what you do. As a "fun" excercise you should say let's write down everything we do in a day and compare notes. Your list will be longer and he will have to back off..... good luck

When my kids were that age, my house was nothing short of a train wreck! While I was on maternity from work my husband had NO IDEA how hard it was to be at home with our boys. Fixed his wagon when I went back to work! The way our jobs work, one of us is always home while the other works so we share the household and parenting responsibilities equally.
Okay not equally but he really does try! :).
Anyway, what your SO is missing, is that just seeing to the kids basic needs is a full time job,far more grueling than any outside job could ever be. I suggest you leave home for a full day and see how everything goes while you are out. If he won't go for you taking a 'day off', plan one for him first, then pay yourself back the next weekend. He'll get the picture, I Promise.

Can you afford a cleaning lady? I have 2 little ones and this is the route we took. All of the deep cleaning is done for me. She comes 2 days a week.
Also, pick up as you go along throughout the day and have the kids help you.
Here's what I mean...... Make the beds in the morning before you go downstairs. As you prepare dinner, clean the dishes you can and put them in the dishwasher. While the kids are still at the table or in highchairs, clean the dinner table. If they are done eating, give them something to play with at the table (crayons, a toy, a popcycle, a puzzle) so you can do this if they don't let you get stuff done while they're "free (I have a hard time with that - the baby wants me to hold him)." Don't let the kids move on to the next activity until stuff is picked up. They will help! My kids love to clean and pick up!!! Even the baby now likes to have a diaper wipe and goes around "cleaning" with it just like his sister.
Anyway, it is tough to stay on top of it but the cleaning lady keeps all the heavy duty stuff done. She comes 2 times a month and it's $100 each visit. Also, my husband does help A LOT! He does 95% of the laundry and realizes how difficult it is to manage everything by myself. I work from home full time so my kids go to daycare. It would be 100 times more difficult if I was a stay at home mom! God bless anyone who is! That is THE hardest job in the world that doesn't come with much credit and I hope your husband can recognize this!
My house looks nice all of the time and because of the cleaning lady we get to spend our free time together when we're not working versus cleaning but we do keep it picked up all of the time once we're done playing. That's mostly due to my husband's influence which has been good for me. I cannot get into an unmade bed anymore!
If you can't afford a cleaning lady, do you have a friend or relative that can watch the kids one day every other week so you can get all of the deep cleaning done?
I get the expectation your husband has but it is hard!!!!!!!!!! You've just gotta pick up as you go but he's gotta throw you a bone and you have to not be so hard on yourself either when you have a "messy" day and just need to go to sleep or read a book after the kids are asleep! Stick up for yourself on this one and be able to say with pride everything you did accomplish that day versus what you didn't get into. Maybe keep a list and check off what you've done. Made dinner - check! Got kids to take a nap - check! Did a load of laundry - check Made the bed - check! Went to the grocery store - check! Make goals for yourself too..... Read this week's People Magazine - Check! You've gotta keep your sanity and feel appreciated!
Good luck!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to clean the minute the kids are asleep & that definitely does not make you a lazy person. Most experts say it is very important for Moms (and Dads) to have some time to themselves to relax, etc. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of your family. I think just being able to stay awake to do something you enjoy after your kids are asleep is an accomplishment! With two that young, who depend on you so much, I'm sure you are exhausted at the end of the day. I'm sure any parent that has stayed home with children that young will agree that it isn't true that you don't do anything all day. I'm sure he is tired too, especially on the days he works outside the home. But, he lives in the house and is a parent to those children, just like you. He has to take some responsibility for the house & children as well. It amazes me that there seem to be so many men out there who think they can't possibly do anything at home or help with the children on days that they work. There are women who work full time and come home to take care of their house & children everyday. Is it exhausting? Yes! But it can be done. That is part of the deal when you become a parent. Also, you both need to realize that your house will not be as clean as it used to be, probably for many years! Try not to worry so much about how the house looks. Just take care of yourselves and your marriage & enjoy those little ones! They will grow up all too soon.

In my house, its the opposite: I'm always on my husband to help clean. :-) I run an in-home daycare plus we have 3 kids of our own. I keep my house pretty clean, of course toys are always laying around but that's what happens with little ones. I've had a hard time convincing my husband that, even though he works full time outside the home and I stay home, I need help with the cleaning from time to time. My pleas have fallen upon deaf ears for the last 12 years, until last month. Here's what happen:

I had an early morning doctors appt and it just so happened that my kids had the day off from school so my husband stayed home. Our plan was for my husband and kids to meet me at the doc office as soon as I was done so he could then head to work. He ended up having a little over 2 hours to get himself and the kids ready and out the door. Now, my 2 older kids are pretty much self sufficient so my hubby really only had to get himself and our youngest ready. Let me tell you what a difference that day made! I came home to a messy house (dirty breakfast dishes, unmade beds, dirty clothes on the floor) and I was livid. What did he do for those 2 hours that he couldn't have at least found a little time to put the dirty dishes in the sink? I never leave the house in that order!

My husband said, after I was done "letting him have it," that he had a new found respect for how much I really do. All these years, he's been under the impression that I make him do a lot of the house work even though I'm home all day. Yes, my hubby has stayed home with the kids before but usually just a few hours while I get groceries and run errands. He's never had to DO anything though other than supervise them. He plays with the kids, feeds them, etc but never cleans the house while I'm out. That morning made him realize how much work it takes and how exhausting it is to keep the house clean while caring for our kids too.

My suggestion is for you do the same thing I did (even though I didn't do it for this reason). Let your husband stay home for a day or two while you go have some alone time or time out with friends. Have him do the same things you normally do; take care of the kids plus clean the house. Let him see how hard it is to clean while having 2 young children needing your time. Maybe he'll sing a different tune.

By the way, once my children are in bed at night, my "work day" is done too. I sit and relax. Don't feel bad for doing the same!