Im a Mess

J.,
I am the same way.. I just want you to go to this site www.flylady.net and then sign up for the e-mails. Remember to BABY STEP.. it isn't going to happen over night. But no matter what, Love J. for who she is! I am proud of you.

I can't believe he says that it's your job! Craziness! What has helped me a lot is www.flylady.net. You should go check it out, you wouldn't believe the difference it has made in my life!

I know you have a lot of responses already, but I can't help myself....the amount of $$ made does not matter. Handling a full time job, motherhood & all the housework is a lot. I know how hard it is to relax when you know there is laundry and dishes to clean. One option may be to hire housecleaning. A lot of cleaning services offer an every other week cleaning, which would help give you a small break. If it fits in the budget but your boyfriend says no...stop doing his laundry. Once he runs out of underwear, he may change his mind, ha ha.

Please tell me you are kidding when he says that housework is you responsibility because he makes more money and you're the woman. If that is truly his attitude, I would drop him like a hot potato. Seriously. No one should ever expect you to do or not do something because you happen to be a female. Honestly, I'm not sure I can offer you much advice if you plan to stay with this guy because he clearly sees himself as superior to you and will always expect you to do 100% of the housework, and will not make any attempt to assist you, even if all you're asking is that he does simple things like put dirty clothes in the hamper. You will always be picking up after him. I guess if you plan to make a life with him, you could argue that even if he does make more money, you contribute X percentage of the household income, so he needs to contribute X percentage of the household chores, and give him a specific list. If he doesn't do it, I would start tossing his stuff that he leaves around out on the lawn. I did that to my husband because he seemed to have a mental block about picking up his dirty clothes and puttng them in the hamper. Not maliciously, or because he believed it was my job, he honestly didn't even notice them. But he did notice them when they were all over the front porch. I told him the next time he left dirty clothes on the floor, I was going to do that, so he was forwarned. He hasn't done it since. I work nights and leave him a few tasks to do sometimes (i.e. unload dishwasher, take out trash, clean cat box, etc.) and if he forgets he knows that I will not do it. I will wake him up when I get home at 3:30 A.M. and make him do it. He makes more money that I do, but I still work full time, until 3 AM, and stay home with our son during the day, so it really doesn't matter that he makes more in terms of dollars. And even if I didn't work at all outside of the home, it's OUR money, not HIS money, plus money doesn't have anything to do with it. It's about being a team. Yes, team members have their specific roles and responsibilities. BUT, team members also pitch in and help each other. I would seriously do something drastic like that. Worked for me. Maybe of you don't want to pitch hs stuff out on the lawn, take all of the mess he makes and pile it in a corner to show him how he makes what he considers "your job" more difficult. But really, I don't know how to really advise you to get through to a male chauvenist. A clueless, but well-intentioned, man is different, and easier, to handle. Good luck hon.

M.

I feel for you. Men just don't see the house the same way as we do. THey eat and sleep and watch tv in it. We live in our homes. It would be nice to split out some chores with him. You do work, so does he. You should both beable to pich in. It's amazing when you do a 10 min pickup and everyone is helping. Well a lot more gets done.

Like someone else said maybe you need to give somethings away. There is freecycle and craigslist, to give things away or even sell them. One thing that has helped me is flylady.net it starts you off in babysteps, and has some really good ideas on how to start and keep it going. It give you a new look on life.

I've never tried this but if you just put his stuff like in his chair or infront of the tv he would see it. If he's not going to help clean up then you should not be cleaning up his stuff. I have this cute card from far side with the lady is laying in bed with all the garbage cans laying on his side of the bed and he is saying think think she's trying to tell you something. My husband thought that was cute. He takes the garbage out. Even if I have to hang it on the door and have to put the new liner in. Thats ok. Its about team work. thats what familys are.

Also sommething to consider if you both are working is get someone to come in and help you out. Have a girl friend come over or get a maid. You both work and seening how he makes more money he can pay for most of it.

Hi J.,
When I first read this, I had to chuckle, as my current husband is NO BETTER. Now, my first husband of 14 years, was the clean fanatic around our house. NO ONE could clean good enough, so I finally gave up and let him do it! We had an awesome showplace of a home and I welcomed company at ANY time. Now to the present...current husband doesn't like the clutter or dirty dishes, BUT until recently he wouldn't raise one finger to help UNLESS that is, HIS mother was coming...then he was like an army drill sergeant in getting the place spic and span. Current husband lost his job this past Oct. and didn't work for 3 months...so he was home EVERY day while I worked 2 jobs and own my own business. After ONE month of me coming home daily and seeing that he didn't do ANYTHING, and then listening to me complain about it, he has atleast starting doing up HIS own dishes (he loves to cook/bake). I don't want him doing laundry, as I want my reds red and my whites white, but dishes is a start. No, the house still isn't as clean as I would like it to be, but after enough complaints from me, dishes are a beginning. And the sad thing is...he wasn't raised like this. He was brought up in a very nice home and both of his sisters have showplace homes as well. His answer to this is "I want to be able to live in my home". Living in a home is all fine and dandy but a pigsty is unhealthy and bad for the self esteem. With little kids in the home, one can't expect it to be spotless at all times, but in our situation, there are 2 adults and one 17 year old (my daughter) who is just as fussy as her dad and when the house gets to a certain stage, she WILL clean it top to bottom, which current husband (her stepdad) resents beyond anything. I know I haven't given any advice here, but it was just nice to vent about my own clean house situation. Thanks for listening!

We have a very similiar problem. When my fiancee lived with his friends he ALWAYS complained about them not cleaning up after themselves and doing dishes and leaving food around. He claimed he was the only one that ever cleaned. I therefore assumed when we moved in together he would clean up after himself... WRONG. Now he claims since he cleaned up after everyone else he's "tired of cleaning." He even goes so far as to call his mom to come "help" him clean when I'm gone, so I'll think he cleaned! grrr. But anyway, what has worked for us is this, one day I walked around each room and put everything that did not belong in that room into a hamper, it goes really quick, like 5 min/room. Then I just go through the hamper and put things were they belong, it probably takes less than an hour total time. Then I made a rule that when you leave a room it needs to look the same as it did when you entered it. My fiancee left a lot of empty yogurt cartons around the house, and all his shaving stuff on the bathroom counter, and dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. Now he really does take that extra 2 seconds to think about the way the room looks now vs. when he entered it. At first I would go around the house with my hamper about once a week, and it would be full of his stuff, so I'd leave it for him, just so he would understand how much stuff he leaves sitting out. It does have to be a two way thing though, I mean he really does have to want to keep the house clean. I do find it's easier to clean up the little messes daily than it is to have a huge mess and not know where to start. Best of luck to you!

I am sorry, but your boyfriend needs a reality check and a boot to his butt! I have been married to my husband for 7 years and we have been together for 9 years. We both work FULL time. We have a 17 month old daughter and are expecting our son at the end of March. He helps around the house, everyday! It is part of being a couple. It is not my mess or his mess, it is our mess. We both have tasks we take on and complete to keep the house clean. It is always cluttered at this point, but because he helps, it is clean. The "I am the bread winner and you are the woman excuse" is just a pile of B.S. in my opinion.

It sounds like you don't have a problem cleaning, it's him! That's a load of bullsh*t and I wouldn't put up with it for a minute. Money has nothing to do with it. As a mom, you work TWO full time jobs, your job outside the home and taking care of the children. Men don't get that. They need to. I make sure my husband understands what I go through. I still end up doing most of the work, but he would never think of pulling a stunt like that just because he makes more money than I do. My advice is to stop stressing about it too much because that will just make it seem like more of a daunting task. Clean one room completely, and then work on maintaining that one room for a week or so. Once you see that you can keep just one room clean, move to another room and try maintaining two rooms for a week. Take it in small steps. And get that man off his lazy butt and tell him to take care of the house or get out. Seriously, don't put up with that.

I'm not any good at keeping the house clean, But my husband and I came to the agrement that since I work less hours I would do the most around the house. I try to keep the dishes and luandry done, the toys picked up and the floors clean. If that is all I get done in a day then i'm happy. My husband also knows that if he wants the house cleaner then that then he has to help cause I refuse too do it all on my own.
I can't beleave your boyfriend expects you to have a full time job, keep the house clean and raise your daughter. After work I spend time with my kids and then any time I have left I'll clean, but I feel that kids come first. As long as your house is clean enofe to be safe for your daughter the rest can wait. Enjoy the time you have with her before she grows up cause she will be grown before you know it!!

I think any active, working mom feels like the spend the mother load of their time cleaning. However, for your boyfriend to use the "you're the woman" line, is inexcusable on his part.

I think first you need to determine to what level he's expecting things to be done. if you're working full-time, then that means others in the house will HAVE pitch in.

I adopted a clean as you go. so you don't have to go back and do it later. Also, try to eliminate clutter. If you aren't using it, say bye-bye. Your dau. is not too young to start learning simple chores. My 2 year old can carry her plate to the dishwasher and put it in and when unloading she can put the silverware (forks, spoons, table knives) into the drawer. Now i usually have to go back and straighten it up, but at least it's in there so if I don't get to it until the next meal that's okay. Plus, I've occupied her for a period of time.

My 4 year old folds one mean towel. Better than daddy.

Each night before bed I make sure the kitchen counters are clean, sink empty, start the diswasher. Change the washer over to the dryer (so it's running during the night).

I do think that our american society of excess has allowed us to accumulate way too much stuff. so we started pitching stuff.

when you/he is in the showere it doesn't take that much time to spray down the walls and quick brush too it and you're rinsing yourself why not rinse the tub too. and if you do it each day it doesn't build up.

My biggest thing is getting my husband to not drop stuff just inside the door upon arriving home. Put it away then and thus no one trips over/walks around it.

Get the basics, don't obsess over the details, that's what a paid maid is for. A house should feel lived in (not dirty), not a museum. I know I've gone to people house where I have felt like my kids shouldn't even move for fear their slightest motion would turn the place upside down.

Bottom line is if he's going to want something a certain way then he needs to take responsibility too in helping get it that way. Good luck

WOW!
I think as a grown adult, he should be picking up after himself just as much as you do! Who cares if he makes more money? My hubby makes way more than I do and he still knows where to put his dirty laundry, his shoes, and his coat. He knows how to put a cap on toothpaste and knows how to throw away trash! Rediculous!

My hubby cleans house and does all the laundry on the weekends.
He also changes bed sheets and does dishes, and mops floors. If the mess is there, and I am not..9/10 times he cleans it up. He even cooks!

I think you need to have a talk with him.. your job is just as important as his is and he lives in that house too.

Try Flylady.net she is great!

Hello J.,
I see you've gotten alot of advice on this subject already. flylady.net sounds great, I'll have to check it out! I just wanted to let you know I also have this problem. My house is almost always a disaster to the point that if someone stopped by, I wouldn't let them in! I do try, but I am back in college, plus filling in at my kids daycare center, working part time as a sign language interpreter, and working my own homebased business. I have a 4 year old son and a 3 year old son too. Hubby helps a little, but not enough. He works alot too though. Anyway, I just wanted to share a funny, that I heard. ALWAYS KEEP GET WELL CARDS HANDY, SO THAT IF SOMEONE STOPS BY UNEXPECTEDLY, YOU CAN SET THEM UP AND YOUR COMPANY WILL THINK YOU'VE BEEN TOO SICK TOO CLEAN. I thought that was cute. Good luck!

I have the most wonderful site for you, www.flylady.net. I swear she is a saint. I too was a horrible housekeeper, and though I am not perfect by a long shot, I am getting my act together thanks to the flylady. Please check her out and try her babysteps. Follow everything she says exactly, or else you can get overwhelmed again. Remember its not a horrible thing to not have a perfect house, but flylady will at least help you get the CHAOS (Cant Have Anyone Over Syndrome)out. Good Luck!

J.-
Knock that boy in the head! My husband of 4 1/2 years (we've been together for over 12 yrs.) learned not to ever say something like that to me! I got so ticked off at him a few years ago for making a similar comment and went on strike! I didn't clean anything of his nor did I do any house work for a few weeks. As hard as it was to live with the mess, he learned a valuable lesson and started to help out. We split our duties evenly around our house. He keeps our living area in the basement (which is the whole basement), cat's litter box, dog mess outside, bathroom, empties the dishwasher, does all the vaccuming and folds his own laundry and sometimes our daughters. I wash the kitchen & bathroom floors, load the dishwasher, clean up the bedrooms and upstairs living areas, do the laundry and dusting. We both take turns cooking and taking out the garbage. Yes, my husband makes more money than I do, but does not expect me to do any more than he does. I also work full-time and have my own business, so I keep pretty busy. My husband not only works full-time, but has a 1 day a week job on Saturdays and is a volunteer fireman and EMT. Things will change a bit in a few years when I start to stay home full-time. I will take on more of the house cleaning responsiblities as I'll be home more. House work isn't just for women and any man how uses that excuse is just plain lazy. Sorry, but that is my 2 cents.

It shouldn't matter if he makes more money!!! He needs to help you out!!! You are NOT his maid! You work and plus, you're probably the only one taking care of your child!(that's a F/T job, too!!)
Don't let him take advantage of you!! If you keep this up you're going to be an exhausted mess!! If he isn't willing to help out a little, I just don't think he really respects and loves you!!! You deserve that!! I hope things change or you're going to have a very long, unhappy relationship in a messy home!!!

The best advice I got on this was to -simplify-. It was hard for me to do but I went through my entire house and got rid of so much. All those hand me down unmatched plates, gone- clothes that i never wear, gone. If it didn't have a useful purpose I tossed it. I enjoy keeping my house, the mess doesn't get too big and i don't get overwhelmed. Simply Simplify And if all else fails, hire help.

I'm of the opinion that housework gets done when it gets done.
My husband used to have a problem with this. The main part of his problem was that he had some sort of internal deadline for chores. Now he knows if he wants something done by a certain deadline, he must do it himself completely or wait for a time when it works for me to help. I'll do it eventually, but I have other things that I place on a higher level of importance. For example, if I have the choice between re-enacting a scene from "Open Season" with my four-year-old and doing dishes, I'll pick the re-enactment any day. If I have a choice between messing around on GarageBand with my 11-year-old and scouring a toilet, I mess around on GarageBand.

However, I do not have the same problem that you have. My husband doesn't EXPECT me to tackle the household chores alone. He pitches in all the time and always has. He also did most of the chores when I was working on my Masters degree. No one should have to do 100% of the household chores anyway.

My husband is a powerhouse-sweeper. He does nightly sweeps of the house. He loads the dishwasher, he takes out the trash, that sort of thing. I'm more detail-oriented. I clean the grout in the bathroom, I reorganize drawers, disinfect toilets, hand-wash dishes, and do most of the laundry (which he puts away.) We each have our strengths.

I guess, your b-friend is probably going to have to get over himself...because that's just not the way it works! It may have worked that way for our grandmothers, but not for moi!

I'm sure there are situations where the wife takes on the traditional role of housekeeper, etc, but it has to be a joint decision - not just, "ME MAN - YOU WOMAN! GET BUSY!" *insert chest-pounding here*

I'm sure your b-friend has some good qualities, or you wouldn't be with him, right? But, his viewpoint is quite archaic! I hope he's doing something for yoU!

Good luck...God Bless!
-J.