Thanksgiving Visit

as far as the food issue, unless they have allergies, i agree with step mom, every one brings a dish or two, and kids should have a pick from that if they chose not to eat what is available, that's their fault, as far as the rest, your make up, dress, etc, i'd flat out tell my step mom "this is me and how i am, you need to hush unless i ask you for your opinion"

M.,

Why in the world would you intentionally drive 3 hours to be criticized by your cruel step mom and her cruel mother??? This is the main issue. The fact that they stupidly get upset b/c you are an excellent planner and loving mom and bring your own food for your kids is the second, less important issue. I would NEVER intentionally go somewhere that I know I will be judged and criticized. Forget it! Don't you dare go there. Don't you want to have a nice, peaceful, enjoyable Thanksgiving? You didn't mention your mother. If she is alive, why don't you spend Thanksgiving with her? Otherwise, you should host and invite a famly with whom you are close (or if you have any local relatives) and have a wonderful time! Forget your evil step mom and her mom! Tell you father the truth - tell him that unfortunately, he married a woman that is a word that rhymes with witch and that you will have no part of it. If you don't want to be that harsh (sorry, I get really peeved when people are so rude), you can just tell your father that you do not wish to be judged and criticized by his wife and her mother anymore, especially on a holiday, and if they don't stop criticizing you, you will NEVER come to their house ever again (and keep that promise).

.

I am one of those that agrees with the step mom about the kids eating what is placed before them. My kids were "picky eaters" when they wanted to be. Allowing kids to be picky eaters may have a very negative affect on their lives later on when they are adults. And, its a sign of disrespect to you as a parent. (Would you actually put bad food on the table?)

I worked with a man that was very good at his job, but was passed over for promotion at least once because because he was a very picky eater and wouldn't try new foods. (They figured if he wouldn't try new foods he wouldn't try new ideas.)

As far as your inlaws telling you their opinion about your hair and makeup . . . so what. If I didn't love my kids I wouldn't say anything. I've gotten to the point where I compliment when appropriate and really, really, try hard to say nothing when I can't compliment. (Although, when my DILs wear makup like they are competing with Tammy Baker for make up's poster woman, its really difficult not to say anything.)

Good luck to you and yours.

I would blow-off the commentary regarding your appearance (especially if you are comfortable with the way you present yourself).

As for bringing extra food for the kids... that's a tough one b/c it kind of depends on how old your children are. My son is 2.5 and will eat pretty much anything except when he's more interested in what's going on around him (like large family gatherings)! We have gotten into the habit of throwing an Easy Mac in my purse, but only taking it out if the food is:
1. Inappropriate for a young child (shell fish or something along those lines)
2. My son is so wired from playing with the other kids that we need to give him something easy until we get home.

Kids learn their eating habits when they are very young. If you only make them certain things, they will only eat certain things. What would they do at a friend's house? Really think about that one... other kids' parents may not make pizza for dinner, but may put a plate of chicken with rice and broccoli in front of your little ones. Then what?

It's a separate issue from the one you are posing, but don't let your little ones rule the roost when it come to their eating habits. They should eat what is served unless there is an allergy concern.

I would love to take the high road on this one, but your mom sounds like my mom and my mother in law. What I found puts a halt to the comments real quick is a friendly return of the exact same kind of comment right in that moment, only in response to when they do it. At first I was reluctant, because I don't want surrounding people to be uncomfortable (their husbands), but it's so insulting sometimes, I decided to just keep it extremely fair so no one could blame me.

For instance, once I was sitting at a large family dinner, eating and chatting, and my mom said, "A., your hair looks really terrible! You shouldn't wear it like that." (since joining a fundamentalist Amish dressing type community, my mom thinks all females need to wear their hair "swept back in buns" and mine was "down"). I mean,really??! I was 35 years old when she said that, and it was the tenth thing like that in one day. My mom's a great lady, but somehow doesn't understand basic manners when it comes to making judgments. So I just chirped up all friendly in a tone like, "Oh, well if we're doing hair critiques, you could shed 30 years with a bit of color and a flattering cut." Now I didn't want to disrespect an elder or anything, so I said it with a smile like I was joking and a few people chuckled and even she sort of chuckled because of course she's never losing the 4 foot long grey hair in a bun, but it definitely emphasized that the hair comment was out of line.

My MIL has the habit of criticizing everyone's appearance that she sees too, and I don't want it rubbing off on the kids, so when she says, "Oh that lady's hair looks terrible (yes-different hair fixation) I'll turn to my daughter and say-in a friendly teaching tone, "Remember, it's not nice to say mean things about hair just because grandma does it, I never want to hear you do it." so MIL can hear loud and clear. The best is when my daughter says, "I know mom, I think the lady is pretty!" Same thing when hubs swears, I just let the kids know they can't do it, so I put MIL in a similar light and take my "teaching" role seriously. I figure the kids learn how to speak up and defend themselves and others this way, and I really don't care what the perpetrators think.

Stand up for yourself with a "Thanks, but I feed them all day every day, we've got it covered." and a friendly smiling "Really? You think it's OK to say that to me?" here and there. People who take pot shots rarely get resistance. Serve some up! We have the issue of visiting people with unhealthy processed food in their cupboards so I always bring our own hippie stash. They had to get used to it long ago. When they would grumble, I would say, "Hey, as long as I'm the meanie in charge, they have to eat what I say!" I would never have said anything if they didn't start it though, and I do let them slack a little on the junk for visits, but the minute someone is rude to me, I stand up, because I don't want my daughter to go through her 20s feeling shy and bossed around by bosses etc like I did. No one taught me I was just as able to assert myself as these kooks, but now that I know it-life is way better. Your husband will love to see you stick up for yourself, keep your cool, and not get rattled.

Oh, and as for picky eating, we enforce eating to a point at HOME, but like your kids and my kids, many kids are pickier out at strange places and on vacation we like to let it slide and give them whatever. bottom line-none of those biddies business!!

Our daughter was picky sometimes.. Se is 20 and still does not care for the odor or texture of Casseroles.. But she will eat simple foods.

So your kids will not ANYTHING being served at Thanksgiving? Even plain turkey? Plain Mashed potatoes? Plain salad?

Our daughter was not big into sauces or gravy, heck she did not like butter on her rolls or bread but she would eat carrot sticks, cucumbers , cherry tomatoes, turkey, plain mashed potatoes at the meal..

I can see taking something easy for breakfast so you all can be out of the way in their kitchen on the morning of Thanksgiving, but to take a different meal for your children, seems a little extreme..

Maybe you could volunteer to take at least one dish you know your kids will eat (macaroni and cheese, or ham), but keep in mind, what you are doing is considered unusual that they would not eat at least something from the meal.. something.

They are rude about commenting about your looks. I would ignore them..

Tell them to shut their bread boxes and eat their turkey! No, kidding. Just be confident in your style of parenting and let them know that you know your children best and if they go for hours without eating they will not feel good. That should be enough. If they comment on your appearance, hopefully, it will be complimentary. If they ask you why you don't wear makeup, tell them that you are allergic to makeup and broke out in a terrible rash, last time, and that was with really expensive, hypoallergenic stuff. Just throw out the name Jane Iredall. They prolly never even heard of that brand which is the priciest mineral makeup out there. If that doesn't satisfy mommy and grandmama dearest then have a really big glass of wine!

1 THEY ARE YOUR KIDS NOT HER's.
2. You will NEVER get her to understand where you are coming from or get her to stop critisizing you.
3. You know what to expect from her and as long as you expect nothing more and nothing less of her then you hopefully can be prepared for her and it will not hurt so much.
4. You know what your kids like and do not like. Making a child gag down food that makes them sick, or throw up because they find it so gross is mean. I make my kids taste things if they do not like it I will make something else; however if all the ingredients they like but it is made differently and they refuse to try it, then I refuse to make something else.

You are the Mom and if you and your hubby agree on how to raise your kids then Poo on them.

Good luck and try to enjoy yourself, ignore her and mer mother.

I think step-mom needs to understand that little kids can in fact be picky eaters and it's not necessarily a criticism of her cooking (unless of course she's a horrible cook) if they don't eat her food. You don't say how old your children are, but I'm guessing they're fairly young. I do think as children get older, they should be encouraged to eat different foods in different situations, but I don't think Thanksgiving is the time or place to make this a battleground issue!!! She should be grateful you're planning to bring some food from home in case they don't like what's offered there. Does she really want a gaggle of cranky, hungry kids on her hands on Thanksgiving? I would simply say to her that you've got it under control and pray that once you get there she doesn't make a big deal of it. I can remember several holidays when my own kids were little when they ate a dinner roll and that was it. After a couple of disatrous occasions like that, I started feeding them ahead of time and bringing snacks to supplement. Eventually the hosts (it was always the same 2 people) had an epiphany when they gave birth to their very own picky eaters, and started making something separate for the kids. Alleluia! Problem solved! Who knew a bowl of pasta could turn everything around? LOL. Try to enjoy the day. You're the mom and you know best how to handle your children :)

ok so here goes...I did not get a real chance to read the others...except I like the "shut your breadbox one"..funny! Before you get in the car and go..just decide to be happy and have a great visit with your Dad...bring whatever you need for your kids, just don't plan on using their kitchen to make a whole different dinner...ignore those two women..you owe them nothing...this is a get-away for your family...cherish it and be happy!

Hi, M.:
How do you not take things personally?
What is the actual issue? Separate the problem from yourself!
Separate the problem from them.

Objectify the problem.

Ask them what is it they need from you.
Tell them what you need from them.
Set some boundaries with them before you even go so that everyone can enjoy each other's company.

You are very courageous to try to work with the family so that your children can enjoy their extended family members. Great job!
D.

My son eats almost anything (including squid on a stick, but NOT including gardenburgers)... but he's hypoglycemic. So I bring food with us everywhere. Yep... other people comment from time to time... but I've got the easy out, since it's doctor ordered.

As far as other parenting styles with family (including things like food issues), I tend to use humor. "As parents it's our sacred duty to screw up our kids. You already got your shot, now it's my turn!"

They can get as serious and huffy as they like, but since I just smile, laugh, deflect... most of the time it turns into a group "joke".

I find being blunt with rude people the way to go for me. You're invited to dinner and then are put down. Makes no sense unless that's their purpose. If they don't like you or how you do things, why invite you? Sounds like an invite with a purpose. I would ask them if it REALLY bothers them SO much on how you raise your kids, how you dress or if your make is correct... why were you invited? I used to come right out and comment back to my own mother when she'd make comments about me being over weight. She'd come out and say, "Look at my big fat baby! She's just like she was when she was a baby, a big fat slob!" and then laugh about it. Yah, that made me feel great! So I'd just tell her right back, "Yah, like you're a beauty! Ya might want to turn around when you're looking in the mirror cuz your pants are about to split. And by the way, when ya gonna dye that nasty gray hair of yours?" Than I'd ask her how it feels to be put down, even in jest as she liked to put it. She stopped talking trash about me cuz I'd throw it right back.

Does it REALLY bother your steps on what your kids eat... REALLY??? They need to get a life. If they're that bad I just wouldn't go or be prepared to throw it right back in their faces with a big smile on your face. I mean, would you take that from a total stranger?

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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**I wanted add about some comments about agreeing with the step-mom about having the kids eat or go hungry. Well, I'm that way with my own kids... AT HOME. But if someone comes to my house and states they have picky eaters and brings their own stuff, who cares! Who am I to complain. Not my kids. They're little. Let them pick at whatever they want. Let the parents bring extra things. Really? Who cares! I'd be kind enough to ask what things they DO like and maybe get a little can of what they like or a box of whatever. Is it THAT big of a deal when you have guests come to your home with small children? On a holiday? Why stress and complain? Like I said, at MY HOME my kids eat what's in front of them or go hungry but I can't apply that rule to other people's children who are coming to my home as guests on a holiday. Just sounds bitchy to me.

Does your step mom actually have kids of her own? LOL. I have a very NON picky eater but if I did, I would make sure there were things he would eat--if your dad & SM have turkey, gravy, stuffing, rolls, corn etc., WILL your kids eat that if it's what they're given? If not I WOULD take my own stuff. and I would ignore their comments about hair, dress and makeup or answer with a kind "why does that matter to you?" All comments about your parenting should be ignored completely or answered with "Oh......really? Hmmmm...." Wine might help as well.
Enjoy your family (the ones that aren't annoying!).

You're right. Don't let her boss you around. If it was me, I wouldn't go at all. If it's really that important to you to spend the day with your dad, then just try to remember it's only one day out of the year. Just brush it off. If you can't deal with it, it's better not to go though. You could always spend time alone with your dad on another occasion, or no occasion.

You didn't mention how old your kids are, but I see nothing wrong with having "familiar" food for them available, especially because Thanksgiving dinner isn't "normal" food for adults let alone kids. If she (or her mother) balk at that, explain that it's the lesser of two evils, and you'd like to avoid any issues that can simply be avoided at dinnertime. As for "entertaining" pickiness, I don't think that's what you're doing. My son is 7, likes just about anything, but will not eat mashed potatoes or stuffing. He's pretty good about turkey, but that sums up his Thanksgiving dinner. When he was younger, we always had a back up box of Mac and Cheese or something similar on hand. It took away stress for everyone (who really wants a hungry, cranky, visiting kid in their house anyway?).

As for comments from your step-mother and her mom regarding your parenting and looks....I know it's easier said than done, but ignore it. I don't have the best relationship with my step-mother, there's a lot of jealousy on her part going on, and it does make visits uncomfortable. You didn't say how long she's been a part of your life, but unless she had a big hand in raising you from a very early age, her comments should not influence how you act, and her mother has no business making the same type of comments. Add in the fact that due to distance, you only visit them once or twice a year, and it doubly becomes none of their business.

I say avoid the step-mom's mother, tell step-mom that you're happy with the way you do things, and as for the food, you know as the kids get older it will be easier to have them eat the regular meal but for now it's better to have a different option for them. Then smile and enjoy the visit with your dad and other family members!