I'm Starting to Fear Family Dinners

A six year old HAS BEATEN you. Past tense. She's 3 years and sounds like she has no losses? How many nights in a row did she go to bed hungry because you refused to fix her a separate dinner?

Ok you may not like what I am going to say, but here goes.

You have turned this into a power struggle and you are taking it personal. My question is why?

Many kids that age will only eat the same 5-6 things over and over again and are fine with that. I have 8 kids and there is no way I am going to please everybody all the time. That's fine, they don't like it, they don't like it no skin off my back. Go make yourself a pb&j, but that is what I am offering.

However, I do try to make meals I know at least the majority will like and I try to rotate it so that at some point everyone is having a favorite meal. I am not battling food, what for, what purpose would it serve?

Kids taste buds change a lot through the years. Honestly a lot of foods are foods many children won't like till they become older. I see it all the time, their taste buds constantly changing, constantly evolving and some devolving.

I'm sure if you think back you will even see in your own eating habits things you loved as a child but won't eat as an adult and vice versa.

Make one thing she likes and try a few new things too. Stop making it a struggle, it doesn't need to be.

One thing I want to add...if a child is at someones house and there is a food being served they don't like, heck anyone for that matter. They should be free to say " no thank-you, I don't care for that". I wouldn't eat something I don't like, why should they? I'd much rather know a person doesn't like then have them force it down.

Red flag warning when you purposely avoid your family.

Has this been ongoing since you met this child and married her dad? If so, you knew she had some issues going in to the marriage. Having step parents is NO fun, coming from a child of divorce, and for a step parent to get respect from a child, they earn it by giving respect to that child, make compromises and stop power struggling. Make it a win win situation for everyone.

Is the bio mom in the picture? If not, realize that you are the mother figure and you are abandoning her. She needs you, she needs structure and your hubby needs you.

I don't understand the vegetarian thing. I know of no children who regularly eat tofu, cucumber rolls, etc. It is great that you enjoy preparing new and interesting items but think about what you prepare from the 6 yr old point of view. I never made a separate meal for daughter but I did always incorporate something that I knew she did like with my menu. We are not vegetarian but we do have healthy diets... as in moderation.

Has she ever had pasta? Tomato sauce? Salads? Fruits? Any foods that are healthy and within the "norm" for children. I am not saying junk food but you can make food interesting that still fits within your specifics.

You have to pick your battles and be strong but not mean to her. ASK her what she likes, let her help you prepare foods and be a part of the process. Educate her.

Prepare a couple of dishes in advance so you will have less to do when you get home from work.

Lastly, go home for dinner. Avoiding them only makes matters worse and it also damages your relationship with your hubby. COMMUNICATE with your hubby and don't be shutting down like this or you could lose him.

EDIT: I don't buy your excuse to not involve her with the dinner and helping. NO 6 yr old has THAT much homework. It does not take all evening for a 6 yr old to do homework and shower. I'm picking up that you are just resentful of her and if that is the true case, I feel sorry for her.

Hi Mama,

I'm going to recap the points that have already been made that I agree with. My 4 yo DD eats very healthy and I feel you so bear with me if I'm starting off blunt.

-The biggest problem here is you avoiding home. You are responsible for your own emotions and how you respond to them. Avoiding home is a choice. Be direct with your husband and handle this issue before it gets any worse.

-You are taking this personally.

-You have allowed this to be a power struggle and in that sense, she has already "won". As the adult, you frame the conflcit. I'd recommend "Love & Logic" discipline techniques.

My daughter can fray my nerves sometimes too. Eating healthy is a high priority for me too. You are right - children are not programmed to only like processed foods. My DD eats steamed vegetables, salads, quinoa, brown rice, fish - basically REAL food. My daughter doesn't know how to eat chicken nuggets (she peels the crust off) because deep fried food is unfamiliar and weird to her. I know every child is different and some are pickier than others. But, your expectations are not the problem. This is probably harder for you because she use to be given a different meal and knows she can still get an alternative. The set up sounds like motivation for her to raise hell to get her way instead realizing there is no alternative. My DD eats dinner or goes to bed hungry. She hasn't starved yet ;) and she is a great eater. Here are a few tips:

1. New rule: eat or wait until breakfast (it will be a rough first night)
2. Include an item that she likes and insist she tries the other food - tofu and all.
3. Involve her in the making of the food no matter how minor - pushing the buttons on the stove, stirring the sauce/marinade, washing the vegetables. There is always something and even if it's just on the weekends.
4. You can give her some say in the menu planning by giving her limited options, e.g. quinoa or brown rice.

I love the together time we have at dinner too. But, I layed down the law on eating and you can to. The most important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page. If not, it doesn't matter what you do. In the end, this is not worth tearing your family up over. Maybe you have to let go of this one and let her eat veggie dogs. Avoiding home is the first step on a path to divorce - quickly figure out how to change directions!

Good luck to you!

I personally believe that your SD may be on the road to a terrible diet and eating habits that could last her whole life already. Every single day, it seems, food is a battle, food is viewed as "weird" and her family is becoming disjointed over the dinner table. That sets up future problems about food. You say you don't want to be mean and give her issues, but removing yourself from eating with her and her dad, essentially splitting up the family every evening, will certainly give her issues in the future.

You yourself refer to your food as "not popular", "weird", "different". If you find yourself calling it that at the table, you're setting up a failure. "I know this is weird, dear, but try it." That's not very appetizing. If you want her to eat quinoa, talk about the ancient Mayans or something, and how quinoa was their preferred food.

And if she eats meals at school, or at her biological mother's house, or at friends' houses, she is probably not eating tofu and cucumber rolls. She probably likes chicken and pizza. That doesn't have to be "bad". There's a way to make familiar foods healthy, without relying on packaged processed junk.

If your husband chooses to eat a vegetarian menu only, that's his choice. He's an adult. It may not be your SD's choice, now or ever. But you can make a meal with options for everyone. You can cook a chicken breast or thigh for your daughter and serve it with some homemade honey mustard, and serve a nice hearty salad to go along with it that will satisfy you and your husband. You can make rice pasta with turkey meatballs and a marinara sauce, and your husband can skip the meatballs. Or grill a piece of tofu for your and your husband and at the same time, a nice piece of fish or chicken alongside it for your SD, with some steamed carrots and other vegetables. If you and your husband are eating cucumber rolls for a light supper, let your SD have some sliced fresh vegetables with a ranch dipping sauce and some chicken nuggets. If it's quinoa you're eating, make a quick cheese sauce (basic 5 minute white sauce with some shredded cheese melted into it) for your SD to put on hers.

Basically, find ways to make the meal suit everyone. A healthy whole grain pasta or grain, some vegetables, and a protein that everyone can appreciate. If one person chooses to opt out of the protein, ok. If one person wants a dressing or sauce, ok.

Hi L.! Kids at that age, and even younger, are still developing their taste buds. Even as they grow, their taste buds are going to be different at different stages of their life. When I cook something that I know my son hasn't tried yet, I ask him to take one small bite, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it. I will then cook him something else. Kids are normally picky eaters. We can't escape from that. We just have to try our best to include as many veggies and fruits that they do like into their daily meals. :-D
Also, your stepdaughter is sensing your stress and frustration with her, and therefore she is acting out. Kids often cannot find the words to describe their feelings, so they act on them. She's going to probably feel neglected and that you don't love her. Yes you are missing way too many dinners. You need to start being home and eating dinner with your family. I do have a suggestion for you........

Ask your stepdaughter what she would like to eat. Then, involve her in making that meal. It will be fun for her and a sense of accomplishment and she will proudly eat her food. If she hasn't tried something yet, have her try a 'small' bite, and tell her that to just try it once, and if she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to eat it. Don't force her to eat something she doesn't like. But do suggest she 'try' it once.

Before you suggest to her to help you in the kitchen to cook, sit down with her and talk to her about how you are feeling. Tell her, "I love you honey, and I'm sorry for making meal times so difficult for you. Lets try to cook together the things that you like, and perhaps you can try some things that 'I' like, and we can make meal time a FUN time".

That there will help ease the tension and perhaps get her to be more cooperative in trying new things. But don't force it upon her. You don't want to make 'trying' new things a battle or she will rebel against that.

You won't be admitting a 6 year old beat you, but when you are wrong you have to show her that it is ok to be wrong, and it's ok to apologize when you're wrong. We parents are not perfect by all means and we do make mistakes, and when we do, we have to apologize for them to our kids. They deserve apologies too. This will show them the importance of saying you're sorry, and forgiveness. :-D

I hope this helps. It will be ok. Just start to be there for family dinners. It is very important and it is a bonding time for you all. Make every moment count. :-D

Let me start off by saying I also have a picky eater in my house. And because of medication issues, he literally can go without eating out of 'spite' or 'disinterest' if he disagrees with what is served. However, part of his pickiness is my own darned fault. And once eating patterns are 'set', they are difficult to change. Though your SD's eating patterns are not the result of your choices, you still have to deal with them. This is the circumstances you entered when you married her dad, and changes are not going to be easy. Expecting her to change over only 2 years is a tall order. And it sounds like its resulting in a power struggle.

Family sit down dinners are a lot more than just the food being served. This should be a time for you to connect one on one with other members. Approach this meal time as a positive experience to strengthen the relationship. Put the food issues on the back burner, and you'll be surprised that in a few weeks of the food being a non-issue how things will change.

Then you can begin to work towards a compromise. A method I use often to deal with differing tastes is to 'cook in sepearate' as I like to call it. Rather than making a caserole, I will serve the basic components of a casserole for each to pick as they wish. Boiled noodles, chunked chicken breast, a cheese sauce, steamed vegetables, etc. DS, who loves his noodles but needs a lot of calories, can load up on the noodles and load on the butter. Me, who loves it all but can't have all the carbs, will load up on the chicken and mix in a little noodle and cheese sauce. We all prefer our veggies plain.

Also try to involve SD in preparing some meals. Kids tend to be more receiptive to eating things they have 'ownership' in.

good luck!

She sounds like a very typical six yr old. Most of us try not to make it such a power struggle that we cant stand to be around our kids at meal time. We realize that all kids go thru stages and all kids grow up trying more foods as they become adults. My seven yr old doesnt like anything mixed, he takes apart a sub (hoagie) sandwich and eats it in parts, he likes tomatos but not with/on anything else! I give him plain carrots, plain cherry tomatoes, plain corn etc and LOTS of fruits so I dont stress over his trying new things until he is older. This is not about a six yr old "beating" you. Taking yourself out of the equation is a great idea! Tell your husband he is in charge of his daughter eating healthy, that you need to back off and be less authoratative (SP?) with her. What time do you usually eat a family dinner?? she may be tired and do much better if you eat early 5:30 or 6. Good luck and she is lucky to have someone who cares so much about her diet, just dont let it ruin your relationship with her

Hello,
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This has become a spower struggle between you and your SD. OK - she's 6 and you're supposed to be the adult. And, really - tofu and cucumber rolls?

YOU have made this into a battlefield and it's just not worth it. You're making yourself so crazy about it that you're not coming home for dinner? If you can't win this battle that you've set up you've decided instead to take the passive agressive route. You say you're not taking it personally - but you are.

My kids are teenagers and they're willing to eat couscous but still haven't braved quinoa. I understand you want to be a vegetarian - that's admirable and all that - but do you really feel it neccessary to impose it on your SD? Have you talked to her pediatrician about the diet? Kids need essential enzymes and fats for a health nervous system. If you're insiste don a vegetairan diet I hopw you're making the right combinations to ensure proper nutrition.

As for your second point that you truly believe her diet will be terrible for her whole life - I'm not buying it. You want her to be a vegetarian and you want her to eat the stuff you make. There are plenty of food choices other than vegetarian that will not be terrible for her for her whole life. They make hotdogs without nitrates, they even make chicken fingers that are not molded-ground-up-chicken-by-products. As long as she had lots of veggies she'll be fine. When my kids were young and fussy eaters I'd cut up veggies that they liked - red peppers, carrots, celery, cucumber slices and put them in a dish with some tasty yogurt sauce in the middle for dipping. While I prepared dinner they got their veggies and it was one less battle to have at the table. It allowed for peace at the table. They weren't "starving" when they sat down. Another option is cheese cubes at the table. Cut them up ahead of time and offer the alternative.

As for her limited diet - that how kids are. When my DD was that age she ate mac & cheese almost every night. So I would make it and freeze small containers. Then she went through a lemon chicken phase - so I'd do the same thing.

If she was your bio-child I truly believe you'd handle this differently - but since your'e assuming her behavior is unique and not typical of a 6 yr old you are taking it personally.

When my kids were that age and I knew they wouldn't want to eat some of the odd stuff my husband and I wanted to eat (ANYTHING with mushrooms for example) I'd offer them the frozen alternative that I had plenty of of they could make themseles a peanut butter or baloney sandwich.

We do not force food issues.
Dinner is a family time to speak about the day, to talk about plans, to spend time together.

I would never make ANY one have to try any food they do not want to try.

Could i force you to try the tongue recipe my grandmother used to make? It is completely delicious and not one person who HAS tried it has been able to deny it is delicious.

To your step daughter that is what the tofu looks like to her, revolting.. Quinoa has a strange texture for some people.
You like it and so do a lot of other people, but does that mean everyone likes it? No.

As parents we want to see our children eat. Better yet, see them eat healthy, But not all people have the same taste buds, the same texture issues, and the same sense of smell as the rest of us.

And so our goal is to keep the healthiest types of foods our families WILL eat.

I love to cook, I take great pride in my cooking, but if someone is not interested, their loss, not mine. I do not look at their denial as a personal offense. Instead it is their choice.

Funny, my stepmother was a TERRIBLE cook. It actually was not her fault. Her mother was a terrible cook also and they had a house keeper who also made meals and she too was a horrible cook. Instead of giblet gravy for thanksgiving they made a liver/blood gravy! Even my father would not touch it after his first bite and he was a food Nazi, with us.

And so in my family everyone is served a bit of what was cooked, if you try it great, if not, no big deal and no one says a thing.

We make sure there is something that everyone will eat, but if you choose to not eat anything, you may make a bowl of non sugar cereal.

Even I myself after planning, purchasing and preparing a meal, have just not been able to eat what was prepared and instead I have had cereal for dinner.

To avoid dinner, because of your disappointment in your stepdaughters behavior is not a good enough excuse. Instead you and your husband need to make an agreement, that if he cooks or you cook, the 2 of you will eat it and daughter will be ignored if she does not. If she does try something new, do not make a big deal, but thank her for trying.

Make sure she has enough to eat of healthy foods. Even if it is a sandwich. and a class of milk.

Her body is growing , her brain is still developing and she needs to be fed. Do not make THIS the power struggle. It is not worth it.

Of course she is crabby, she is hungry, she is tired of the fighting and she is probably also so stressed out trying to live up to your standards. It seems like people are not listening to what she is needing and able to come up with a compromise you can all agree on.

"i don't want to admit that a 6yo beat me"
You did not mention one positive thing about your step daughter. This makes me think you are not used to saying or thinking positive things about her.

She is your husbands beloved child, she must be pretty wonderful if the man you love is her father. Start concentrating on that instead of how to control her.

You are the adult not the child. Quit pouting and huffing and puffing and join your family again. She is 6 you are the adult.

It's really hard to be a step-parent. I have four step-kids and it's taken me 7 long years to get to a happy place. One thing I learned to do (and it took practice, believe me) was to let go of control. I don't try to control their behavior on minor issues. They know my expectations (basic respect of each other and our home, homework, etc.) but I let go of a lot. I let go of trying to make sure the nice clothes we bought them didn't end up at their mom's (a black hole for many things). I let go of harping on them to brush their hair, their teeth at night, not play so many video games, listening to music too loud in their headphones, etc. I let their dad know I was driving myself crazy and was now abandoning all those concerns, and handed it all over to him. I told him he could enforce what he wanted and let go what he wanted. He decided to do things completely differently and can enforce things on his terms. Their battles with him are not tinged with that "you're not my *real* mom" backstory that colors so many step-relationships. I am much happier, and we are a better family for it.

As far as eating goes, I don't make it into a battle. Ever. If you abandon your cause, I am pretty sure your step daughter will stop fighting -- she will have nothing to fight against. Teach her to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (she is totally old enough) for herself if she doesn't like what you are serving. Let her eat fake chicken nuggets and EasyMac. Let her make her own plate and help her microwave it. Or make her dad responsible for making her food. Honestly, she is not going to starve if your house has food in it. Make sure she gets a multivitamin, and exercise, and everything is going to work out fine. It sounds like you are a healthy family and she will pick up your habits over time. But you're fighting something you will never win trying to get her to eat your food and taking it personally.

No offense but if I came to your house for dinner, I would not like to eat like you. We are big meat eaters & love veggies too. She's obviously not a vegetarian so don't force her to eat those foods. Sit down with her and come up with some *healthier* ideas. She's old enough to reason with. There are plenty of good options for her other than becoming a vegetarian. Stop avoiding your family. Get some healthy kid cook books, maybe she'd like to help make her own food.

BTW there will always be power struggles, whether or not she's your biological child or not doesn't matter, it's how you address & plan on rectifying it that matters.

Personally, I would give in. Not worth the stress. Sounds like she's the only kid in the house (not like you have to make different things for a bunch of kids), and the stuff she likes is easy to make. Let her have her way. If she's eating carrots, edamame, been burritos, pasta, etc.... it's not that bad.

In my opinion, swallow your pride and let it go. I bet it will reduce everybody's stress level. Best wishes to you!

ETA: Of course I meant "bean" not "been"...

My kids eat cubes of smoked tofu as a snack. It kind of tastes like cheese.

Letting a 6-year old eat pizza and mac-and-cheese among other things in their diet is not necessarily "setting your child up for diabetes, obesity and early death." Sheesh.

Just fix the one dinner she can eat it or there is breakfast in the morning. We were vegetarians for about six months as an experiment to see if it would help our over all health.

I make one dinner and the kids are served that dinner...they can eat it or be hungry...

YES...it was a huge pain at first...and I got a lot of gagging and "oh yuck!"...my husband had my back though and told them they were not allowed to critique the meals that way and gave them alternative words to use "that is not my favorite"..."I tried it and I don't think I like it this time"...

There were plenty of meals where they were excused and went to bed. But over time and I mean a lot of time they started trying the veggies and then surprise liking the veggies...now they eat broccoli, asparagus, spaghetti squash, Brussels sprouts, green beans, sugar snap peas...etc etc etc...

We are no longer practicing vegetarians and now include fish and chicken...they will eat those as well...and I do allow a serving of ketchup with the meat.

It was a long road and your husband has to back you up...there is always breakfast in the morning and I am not a short order cook.

Oh I always included a small bowl of fruit...knew they would eat that...and a roll or a slice of bread, just one...but also a winner every time.

I am sending you a huge hug...you are not alone!!!

Well, this is kinda sad really.

I mean, I guess I have a different philosophy about dinner time. I LOVE dinner time. It's not even about the food or who eats what. But we all do our best all day, we ought to just sit down to the table, eat what we like, enjoy each other's company, laugh. Take a minute to step away from frustrations, take a breath, relax, LOOK at each other. The time when the kids are young is so short, and whether they're eating tofu or hot dogs soon they'll grow up strong and it'll be all over. Sigh.

Sorry to be so preachy and romantic, and there WERE periods when one kid would only eat one thing, and the other two would only eat something else. But now they're 20, 18, and 15 and have branched out dramatically in their food choices over the years. Furthermore, two of three are leaving for college in two weeks so I only get to enjoy a few more dinners with them.

I guess I'm like your husband? Give the people what they like to eat, sneak in nutrition where ever you can, and ENJOY life.

:)

I would just stop cooking her another meal. Serve what you like and don't make a big deal about it. She can eat or not. If you take the power struggle out of it she may find she likes new foods. Just because our current fast food culture has defined only highly processed high fat and sodium laden foods as child friendly does not make it so.
I would guess that the people who think it is fine to feed your child whatever the big Ag companies have made the most palatable have not looked around at today's kids too much. How is setting your chld up for diabetes, obesity and early death a good thing?

First, avoiding the situation is not the answer. That's is setting a terrible example to both your husband and your step-daughter. I mean, isn't that essentially what your SD is doing? I don't like this, so I'm avoiding it.

I personally don't think a 6.5 year old should have to help with dinner, but I *would* talk with her about what kind of food she DOES like. At least get her involved in the dinner conversation. See if you can incorporate some of the food she likes into "new foods" and talk with her about it. Example, if she eats carrots and edamame, what about doing a a cucumber roll/sushi with carrots and edamame. TALK to her about what she does/doesn't like about it (texture, taste, etc). It may take a lot of time during the meal, but it probably wouldn't take any longer than the fighting about it does. I would maybe start with making her favorite meals more often to begin with, and then start phasing them out in favor of your "regular" meals.

Also, how many "new" food are you having her try at once? When introducing foods to my daughter, I will have her try one bite of something new when she is eating stuff she likes. On the days she doesn't eat more than the bite of food, let her have something "boring" but filling (bowl of non sugar cereal as someone else said works well). When my daughter doesn't want to eat what we're having, she's welcome to have some cereal or cottage cheese and fruit AFTER she tries the one or two bites of the new food. She knows that she will get to eat, but that it is important to at least take a bite or two of something new, so it's less of a power struggle.

Hi- I can totally see why you are frustrated, I would be too. We are all vegetarian in my family, so I will start by saying it's a great diet for kids and can be done! My DD has never been anything but vegetarian, so I suppose it's easier when you've always eaten tofu, etc. But we add new things (like quinoa) that take getting used to as well.

If it were me, here's what I would do. If you have enough time, let her help pick out the menu, just pick a veggie cookbook and look through it together (or have dad do it) and have her pick 3 meals or whatever. If you have even more time, let her help with prep and cooking. These are tough with work schedules, but if you have time, it will help her regain some control and power in a positive way.

If you don't have time for those, at least do these. Let her know, "we're having xxx for dinner tonight, I thought you'd like to make a dip to go with yours- would you like ketchup, bbq, or honey mustard?" and let her have whatever to dip in that you're ok with. Again, let's her feel some power while being distracted from the meal. If she continues to balk, simply say "I'm bummed you won't eat this, there's nothing else until breakfast". Don't threaten or badger. This is her choice. Send her to bed hungry.

Also, during dinner, keep her mind on something else. Ask fun questions about school or what's going on with her. Or get one of those dinner conversation games. Everyone takes turns asking silly questions. This way, she barely notices that she is eating. Bottom line- don't spend dinner focusing on what she's eating or not eating. Make dinner a fun and lively time, the meal for her should be secondary. If you only pick one of these things to do, I would pick this one.

My brother's DD is 5 and super picky. Watching them deal with her is ridiculous. They just stare at her and tell her to eat, and of course she doesn't, and then 5 minutes after dinner she's begging for food and they give her something else. My husband has to just about tie me to my chair to keep me for stepping in!

Good luck. It's not a great pattern going right now, and it's always harder to undo something. But you can do it- be patient and know that you are doing your best!

Take her to a buffet restaurant once in a while. It is a great place for picky eaters to try new things. When she finds something new she likes, incorporate it into you family meals.

I don't understand the vegetarian deal. If someone was really into being a vegetarian, why would you want your veggies formed or shapped into something that looked or tasted something like meat. But that's a question I've never asked here.

Oh Well.

Try a crock pot. On the nights you don't feel like cooking or come home too late, put your veggies in a crock pot and turn it on or set it for the right time to turn it on. Then when its "dinner time", your husband can simply serve it. Or set the timer on the oven and set it so the oven comes on and turns off at the proper time.

Make a Chef's salad and place it in the frig.

Good luck to you and yours.

First of all, most kids can be very picky...it's normal. It has become a power struggle and neither of you are winning. Dad has made her a vegetarian, is she a vegetarian at Mom's house too? What does she eat there?

You have indicated that you want her to eat what you are having but how often do you and/or hubby fix something she likes for dinner? Do you eat the foods she likes too? Why not get her help in planning and shopping for the meals (even if there isn't time for her to help prepare the meal)?

What we do in our home is if we are having something our 5 year old doesn't like, we try to be sure there is something that she will eat (example Chicken Fajitas & Rice...she doesn't like the fajitas but she will eat the chicken with ranch dressing and the rise....I wish she would eat the veggies that go in the fajitas but she won't). The other night I made a white sauce with penne pasta and chicken. I pulled hers out before I mixed it and left off the sauce.

My son is now 20 and he is trying more things more often. Growing up, we did the same with him that we do our daughter. We make them try things every so often but we don't force the meal. Don't continue making food a power struggle....no one wins especially if your step daughter develops an eating disorder.

Family meals are important, stop avoiding them and be the adult.

Okay, so I have not had to deal, personally, with a step child. And I'm assuming that your husband's daughter lives with you, not just visits, correct?

The logical thing, I would think, would be for you to talk to your husband and let HIM come up with the solution. You prepare dinner. Whatever you would normally prepare. Then, HUSBAND can decide to
1) let her choose to eat, or not eat and feel hungry, providing no other options,
2) require her to sample the main course, and HE can prepare something else for her,
3) He can fix her a separate meal while you prepare a meal for you and him.

I'm betting that he won't pick #3. But either of the other two options, take the onus off of YOU, and put it where it belongs: the child and her dad.

Just my opinion.

I just wanted to say that you're not alone. My daughter is suuuuuuuuper picky. Rather than list the things she won't eat, I could list the things she will in less than a paragraph (actually, I could count them on one hand). Our entire family is vegetarian, and my husband and I LOVE ethnic foods (I make a lot of Japanese, Thai, and Greek dishes, since those are my favorite, and my husband likes Indian and Italian) so our foods are, as you say, normal for our house but perhaps not Standard.

My first-born, my son, is a really easy kid to feed. He doesn't like everything I make, but he understands the rules about trying everything. We are also able to bribe him ("You have to have three bites of spaghetti, and then you can have a strawberry.") Those tricks haven't worked with my daughter, who would rather be hungry than put my cooking in her mouth. It is so stressful trying to come up with menus and then sitting through dinner fighting with her.

Here is how I have been dealing with it. One meal a day consists of (healthy) things that my kids like. Usually it's lunch, since I'm on my own and not up for the battle. My standard is PB&J or cottage cheese and crackers or something. My son gets an afternoon snack, but my daughter does not because we eat right after she wakes up from nap, and giving her a snack meant no appetite. For dinner, I refuse to make two separate meals unless the food I am preparing is inappropriate for children (I will make them something else if I'm making spicy curry for dinner or something). I'm really surprised by some of the other answers on here. I'm running a household, not a restaurant, and while I try to take people's preferences into account, I'm not taking orders. But I always make sure I have one healthy food item with dinner that my daughter will eat (usually a fruit, since she likes those). She gets the same serving everyone else does, but if she refuses what I've made, she still has a little bit of food to get those nutrients in, but not enough to fill her up.

Is it successful? It depends on your perspective. She still isn't eating what I make, and she still clearly believes anything green might actually poison her, but my daughter is trying more things now. Instead of just ignoring the spaghetti, she might eat one noodle, just one, to try it. That's progress!

One more thing. My parents had a "you have to try everything" rule. I detest baked beans, and always have, so my mother would always give me a tiny little spoonful on my plate, but every time she served it, I got that spoonful. And I sat at that table until I finished it, even if it meant sitting there all evening. I can only remember one instance when I flat-out refused to even try something, and think I was a little older than 6 when I remember this happening, but spending all evening sitting by myself at the table convinced me that one bite of food, even a food I detested, was better than going through that again.

Good luck!

I so hear you. I dealt with that with my SS, but he was about 10 years old when I came around. His father played short-order cook for him, and I refused. I would, though, cook things that he liked from fast-food places--chicken nuggets and tenders, burgers, fries, pancakes, etc.--from scratch. We didn't have it all the time, but he enjoyed when we did. It got to a point, though, where he stopped eating my food altogether. Since I am the queen of the kitchen and cooking regularly, his father was not doing any short-order cooking. He learned to eat what was available or do without. His diet was horrendous, and it affected his behavior and his skin and his physical wellness. I couldn't stand it, but he wasn't mine, and I couldn't make that difference in his life. It's so hard to watch them do things that you know are harmful, but you have to disengage and let your husband handle that, just for the sake of your own sanity and peace.

PS. My SS wouldn't/won't eat sandwiches or cereal or vegetables or fruit. He refused to try anything new, like oatmeal or scrambled eggs or all-but -mashed potatoes. (They were cooked until soft and seasoned and stirred.) Once he discovered that my pancakes had bubbles in them (walking through the kitchen while I was cooking), he refused to eat them.

I love him, and I am thankful that that period didn't last any longer. It's difficult to find your rhythm, your place, your role as a step-parent. You come in with ideals of your own, but you're infiltrating on an existing relationship. I whole-heartedly believe that blending families should do so with a therapist on speed dial. This is a delicate and lengthy process, and it never hurts to have information and tools. For some reason, we expect the Brady Bunch, but did we ever see Mike and Carol before they married or immediately after? Kids are people with real feelings but without the wisdom to make sense of them. Joining forces like this, we stepmothers tend to either jump in full throttle, becoming "queen mother" and pushing others away or stay in the shadows and lose ourselves in caring for our families from the background. The balance is hard to find, especially when egos are involved, and a therapist who deals with this sort of thing every day can help offer perspective.

Don't give in. My son is the same as your daughter and we have the same rule about trying one bite of everything. We encourage him to try to like new foods, but honestly it is rare that he finds something new to like. I don't usually make him his own separate meal (very very rarely), but I make sure there is one thing he will eat. So, if we are making grilled salmon and a side of veggie stir fry I make sure there is a side of white rice. He will eat the salmon (sometimes), the brocolli out of the stir fry and the rice.. My husband and I just eat the salmon and veggies. If I make a curry, I leave out some plain chicken for him, etc. Foods he kind of likes (like salmon) he has to eat more than one bite if he is feeling picky about it that night. Usually we make him take 3 bites of a food he sometimes likes. Foods that he knows he dislikes he has to take one bite. He was born this way. I have never made him his own meal each night or fed him things like only hot dogs and chicken nuggets. He was like this since he was 1 year old. His sister was raised the same way as him and she is not like this at all...she enjoys food in general and eats almost everything. So, don't take it personally (I know how you feel, because I used to feel that way), and don't make it a battle. Make her dad be the bad guy and have talks to her about this (not you since you are the stepmom). Make him set down rules with her 1. No acting grouchy during the day because she is anticipating a dinner she will not like or she will get consequences 2. no poor behavior at the dinner table or she will have consequences (let her know what these consequences will be and pick something that she will truly dislike) 3. no saying anything negative about the food or she gets consequences 4. one bite of everything on her plate. Our son knows he cannot say the words "I hate this" or "this is awful". He is allowed to say, no thank you, or I do not want any more of this. He has been taught to thank me (or the cook) for making the meal and to say something complimentary to be polite. Again, make her dad set the rules, talk about it, and enforce it at dinner time (not you). Also, make sure there is one food she will eat. Third, give her very tiny portions so it does not look overwhelming. Our son will freak out when given a plate of large portions of foods he thinks look disgusting. This has been a long road with him, but I have to say he is well behaved at dinner now (He is 8 years old). We did have to give consequences and be very strict from ages 5-6 till he got the point and knew he'd get in trouble if he acted poorly, complained, or was rude. I don't know why some kids are so picky, but I have heard from quite a few friends that they were the same when they were a kid and about middle school to high school they very slowly started to change. I can only hope that one day our son has better eating habits, but really it is his own choice. I can only encourage it.

If it makes you feel any better, my husband would not eat anything I make (he is picky and prefers cereal or a salad for dinner each night), nor would my four little kids. We don't have family dinner, as you describe and are trying so hard to do. I commend you, but I myself would not want to deal with the stress of that each evening to the point of not coming home because you fear it.

We're trying to do breakfast together on weekends, with pancakes. So far, so good.

As for terrible diets, we snack a lot on healthy stuff all day, so while we don't have a "meal," exactly, I look at it as getting the nutrients needed, trying to make each bite count.

Have just healthy food in the house (that you'd want her to eat). That's what she gets (she can choose). If she chooses not to eat, then she doesn't eat, but she will. She'll get hungry. :)

my first instinct is to say just keep trying eventually you will get through to her or she will one day really like something you guys are eating and want to eat an acutal whole meal.. but i understand its hard.. id say if you absolutley have to cook a seperate meal for her (and im not saying do this everyday) but id say go with microwave stuff to save you from the cooking.. i know they make pizza, macncheese, pasta dinners, and chicken nuggets you just pop in the microwave and theyre ready to eat.. not the healthiest stuff but at least it will save you from preparing a whole seperate meal and having to clean up more stuff
on a side note.. i was an only child and my father spoiled me rotten .. with me it was always i dont eat that i dont like it.. and daddy was there to say just make her something else.. ill be 24 the end of the summer and theres things that iv only started recently eating in the past year or two that iv always thought i dont like that.. when in reality id never had it before... before that the only vegetables i would eat were lettuce broccoli and corn.. now i eat everything..why?.. because i finally actually tried eating these things i always said i didnt like i give my fiance most of the credit for that, for him insisting seriously its good just try it.. so i guess what im trying to say is good for you for actually making her taste these things and not just letting her get away with saying i dont like that