Terrible Twos - Lancaster, PA

I just want to say from experience with my 5 year old that the talking and gentle approach does not work with children with a will to dominate. I tried talking and timeouts for 3 years being very consistent and I thought eventually he would realize I was in control and stop fighting me all the time but by 4 yrs old his anger and rage had me in tears weekly and sometimes daily I wasn't enjoying being a mom and that made me so sad. I recently had a amish man working on my house and got to meet his children I starting to realize I had never seen an Amish child misbehave or be disrespectful ever even in the grocery store were theres almost always a meltdown at some point. I asked him how they got there children to behave so well and him and his wife let me borrow a book called "to train up a child" by mike and Debbie Pearl. I was very skeptical because I had read several books before and felt like I was doing all the things in the book when was the magic going to happen. A few chapters into the book and I felt like every example was me I realized what I had been doing wrong and I was much worse Then I had ever thought. I have since had my third baby and it is easier now then when I just had 1 and I truly am enjoying every minute of them. This book is a miracle worker I just wish I would have found out about it sooner so I wouldn't have made so many mistakes. Believe me do something now before it gets worse. There website is www.nogreaterjoy.org. You will not be sorry.

My son was also born with a very strong temper. When he was 3 and we were at our wits end, we began seeing a child psychologist. The best advice she gave us was to choose the most unacceptable behavior he had and focus on that. With our son it was loosing his temper. We sat him down and explained that whenever he lost his temper he would have a time out in the dining room (very boring place for a 2 year old....no toys!) with a kitchen timer set for 1 minute for each year old he was. We would not talk to him during the time out. He was to think about why he was there. All he needed to do to be excused at the end of the time was tell us why he was there. If he didn't say "I lost my temper" he got another minute untill he admitted he lost his temper. The first week he must have had at least 10 time outs per day, but after a few weeks it was only occasionally. I will also say, typically difficult children are very bright and don't like being told what to do! I volunteered tirelessly at his schools while he was growing up so that I was sure he didn't get excluded because of his temper. My son is now 21, an Eagle Scout, 3rd year honor student in college and a pleasure to be around! Good luck.

You have to be persistent and consistent. Make him sit in his time-out. Did you ever watch Super Nanny? That is a great show. If you watch that you will get alot of good ideas.

How are his language skils? I'm not judging here...I have found that the less the kid talks and can communicate, the more violent the outbursts are (kicking, hitting, biting).....

Maybe as language develops more, behavior may improve.

Also, I have found that consistency works the best...find an approach and stick with it...if they know you'll cave, they'll push until you do.

Good luck!

LoriA

He sounds like a wonderful boy- but a little angry! I have a 6 year old boy who is upset a large percentage of the time- or at least he used to be. Much of it seemed about or at least directed at his younger brother. An aquaintance suggested I get counseling for him and that sent me over the edge- no child of mine was going into therapy! At least not until I had done everything a mother could possibly do FIRST!! I considered the way I parent him compared to the way I parent his younger sibling, and determined that I had been holding the bar too high for him. So I backed off, and tried to mother him the way I mother the younger one- with lots and lots and lots and lots of loving, cuddling, kissing, wrestling, lots and lots of patience every time he hurt his brother, or spilled something or fell and hurt himself. Lots and lots of love and patience- but not from a distance- from up close. Right in his face. From my years of teaching and parenting it seems like the children who go wild need to be held close with love, need to be played with up close, need to have sweet comments whispered in their ears, need to be cuddled and touched and reassured in a loving physical way.
My 6 year old is calmer now, less dramatic. Something seems to be healing on the inside. He is happier. I still make my lap available to him whenever he wants, still make sure I kiss and snuggle him as much as I can.
Yesterday he kept saying something smelled bad in the car, then checked the bottom of his shoe and touched a brown spot with his finger. He smelled his finger and said "Ew! Dog poop!" And then he was quiet the rest of the ride. I gave him a napkin to try and wipe off his hand. He rubbed his finger without saying anything. He ate chips with his other hand and did not complain the entire 15 minutes to my sister's house. We cleaned him right up when we got there, and he never said another word about it. This is a boy who would have gone ballistic a year ago about the smell and how disgusting and how he was going to throw up because it was so gross! Something is calming inside him. Phew!
Maybe hugs and wrestling and "I love you soooo much" whispered in your son's ear will help too.
Good luck! C.

I would put my children into their high chair for a few seconds when they would hit someone or throw something. Screaming, I would say no thats not nice to mummy and quickly redirect the behaviour through using a distraction like playing a game or singing a song etc. You have to correct the behavior immediately at this age or they'll forget what they did. Also long punishments are useless at this age for the same reason. I would get a book from the library aimed at correcting age appropraite behavior in a positive way. Consistency is key and believe me getting mad doesnt work! You just end up with an angry child later!

s.

2 is a rough age....Time out on a step worked for me. I use the super nanny approach by putting him on the step, if he gets up you walk back over an put him step again, not saying anything to him until his time is up. At 2 yr old, you put him on 2 min.
After it's up, you explain why he is on the "step".
Hug him and let it go.
Use the 3 strike your out method.

Good Luck

Like Stephanie H below, I believe helping him identify and label his feelings is extremely important at this age. Sticking him in the corner or on a step without addressing the very real fact that he had an unmet need does nothing to teach him how to identify what he needs, what he's feeling or how to successfully get what he needs. When you get stressed, it's usually because you have an unmet need (extra help with housework, a break for some peace & quiet, whatever the case may be). Toddlers/children are no different - they have needs and it's our job to help them identify that and use words to obtain it. Granted, sometimes toddlers are so overwhelmed with emotion, they simply tantrum. That's when it's a good time to tell them that - "You are feeling so many emotions right now. You look angry and sad and frustrated." I've found offering to hug them and using empathy rather than simply labeling the behavior as "bad" and sticking them in a corner to be much more effective. When they're at their worst, it's scary for them and really a time when they are MORE in need of love and support than any other!

A sure-fire way to head off tantrums is to spend a great deal of "time IN" - time on the floor engaging with your child, reading books, building blocks, playing cars, etc. The more one-on-one focused attention you give them, the less likely they are to throw raging tantrums to get your attention.

Check out Becky Baily's Book, "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" - it's GREAT! The *best* advice (lots of it is good) this book gave me was to focus on what we DO want to have happen. The subconcious mind is incapable of processing negative directives, so instead of telling him, "No throwing toys!" or "No hitting mommy!" tell him what TO do instead - "Please set the toys down gently instead of throwing." or "Please touch mommy nicely - when you hit me, it hurts." And, of course, the ultimate way to head off tantrums, hitting, throwing, etc. is to be a good role model. If you start yelling when you're angry, guess who's watching your coping skills in action and learning that's how we handle upset?

i was starting to have problems with my 2 year old, and a good friend of mine brought it gently to my attention that i was not using 1-2-3 magic as i should be, and was letting her run the household. i guess i thought she was too young for time outs. but she has really responded and things are so much more under control now. maybe that might work for you?

good luck.

S.

My 2 year grandson lives with us. Two mothers under the same roof - that was an adjustment! Anyway, He has been expressing himself alot lately with screaming, throwing himself to the floor, throwing things, hitting, etc. i have noticed that this behavior is directed more toward his mother than anyone else also. what has worked well with us for the most part is keeping his favorite books on hand. He loves the Sandra Boynton! When he starts to go off, we start reading one of these books out loud. He will immediately calm down and come sit with us to hear the story. His tantrum is gone and we can then go back to whatever we were trying to accomplish with him before it started.

I recommend the book: Happiest Toddler on the Block. It not only tells you what to do (confirm his feelings by saying things like "you're mad at mommy. mad!") but explains why it works (he is trying to make his feelings known to the safest person in his world to express them to - you!)

I have twin 16 month old boys who are at the beginnings of tantrums. Paying attention to them, witnessing their emotions and reflecting back what I think they're upset about ("you want it. WANT!") diffuses the tantrum, but still allows them to get their jumbled feelings out.

It sounds kind of weird, talking to your kid like this, I know, but check the book out. The pediatrician who wrote it explains everything in a very simple, quick read way.

Good luck!