My 4 1/2 Year Old Refuses to Listen to Me

Hi L. L,
We found the books "To Train Up A Child" by Micheal Pearl to be helpful in a peace filled home.
Happy Training!!

I have the same exact issues with my daughter also 4.5 years. I find that what has started to work on some days is if I set limits for her. For example, she no longer gets to choose what she wants to watch on tv, eat, play on her videogame, etc. It is not a meaness with which I do this it is that she can start off with one idea for a game or a movie but she must play it or watch it all the way through before she changes on to something new. The reason I no longer let her choose what she wants to eat is becuase she is a very very slow and picky eater in that she'll ask for something take two bites, sit at the table for an hour and then say she's not hungry. This was put a stop to by no longer allowing her to choose what she wants AND giving her a time limit. It sounds mean now that I've written it out but in all honesty it works for her and us and has cut down on squabbles. I have done everything from time-outs, to talks, to spanking, etc. There is not one thing that works everytime for her. I have figured out that at least in our case giving her alone time with me everyday can help her not be so combative. Perhaps you could try alone time with your little one too? I try to take her out once in awhile for a mommy-daughter date if she's been relatively well behaved. I wish you the best of luck!

As a mother of 3 teenagers, 17, 18 & 19, my advice would be to completely ignore her. Don't give in, she will soon follow you around asking and begging for your attention wanting a drink or pulling at your leg, do this for about 15 mins and when you think she is starting to get the message, tell her "mommy isn't going to listen to you until you listen to mommy." Then ask her if she is ready to listen to you. If she says yes tell ok well mommy asked you to do this, that or the other and when you are done doing what I asked you to do then I will listen to you tell me what you want. Doesn't mean you will get what you want and mommy will tell you why if the answer is no but mommy WILL listen to you ok?" You might have to do this a few times but eventually she will get the message and she has to know that just because she did what you asked does NOT mean she gets what ever she wants but that you will explain why and that you will listen to her and maybe even come to a comprimise on her request. You just want to becareful that she doesn't get the message that she will only do what you ask her to do only if there is something in it for her. She has to learn that she needs to do what you ask just because. I also let my kids know that if they didn't do what I asked then there would be a consequence and I would tell them what the consequence would be and end it with...the choice is yours.

L.,

I think I'll hand you a paddle to the same boat I'm in. My son is also 4 1/2 and doesn't listen hardly at all. Talk about frustrating as all get out. I tell him to stop playing with his little sister's sippy cup, and he plays with her block sorter. I tell him to stop playing with the sorter and he grabs something else that isn't his. GRRRRRRR!

Anyway, what really seems to work with us is to praise the heck out of him when he's being good and a great helper, and try to ignore the small things that he's doing wrong. He has also spent entire days in his room for not listening to us and being a *&&#%($head.

When we give him the praise and find little things for him to do to help out he's better than when we constantly yell at him to leave things alone.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Tantrums are a whole body response to being generally "out of wicky wack." Sure, tantrums are a way to get what you want, but most kids learn easier ways of getting what they want.
Tantrums are a real drain of energy. So she's got a lot of energy. That will be good in the future.
Avoid lead or other toxins like arsenic found in fast food etc. Artificial colors can cause fits too.

One thing my mom did when I threw my tantrums was to isolate me in a room so I would scream until I was hoarse and exhausted. I don't recommend this "treatment," since the shame of isoation will cause problems in the future.

I bet you can find some recommendations for a good childhood craniosacral therapist. A cheaper solution is to start with massaging her feet when things are going well. Wait until you're sitting with her when she's comfortable and happy. GENTLY, wiggling and squeezing toes, rubbing up between the foot bones, learning how much pressure she could take as to not tickle, but to increase circulation in her feet.

When she has a tantrum starting, with care ask if she would like you to massage her feet. The feet can be used to "ground" the body-mind and treat the whole body and head. This could stop a tantrum.

Welcome to "testing mom". Some time when she isn't freaking out, sit down with her and talk to her about how her behavior isn't ok. Discuss what she thinks should happen.... Probably a time out until "she is ready to try again" as opposed to a set time. And then STICK TO IT. Being consistant is very important right now. Kids are smart little buggers and they can tell when you are floundering around... she will keep testing you until she starts to see that you will always "stick to your guns".

Ah, what fond memories of my daughter! Is she going to kindergarten soon?

I finally figured out that my daughter had temper tantrums around that age because her mind was so far advanced from her body. She couldn't do what she thought.

One thing I did work on was getting her to realize was something I could help with and what was out of my control to help her with, because sometimes she screamed at me just because.

There was one seminal moment when I said to her as she was screaming for about 10 minutes over something and I finally said, "It is not my fault. Go scream at the tree." She did.

Things got much better after that moment. She realized something.

Oh boy that sounds familiar. I have the male version of that. I also have to deal with a smart mouth and yelling. What we do with my son is #1 he looses his favorite toy. Right now they are his race cars. He starts and when I tell him NO and he doesnt listen then he looses his cars. They are old enough at this stage to see about consequenses. To make it work you need to take something that she loves. It will be hard, especially when the fits start, but she needs to know you mean business. Time outs dont work for us either. He wont stay in the Time Out chair and Holding him there just isnt time effective. Loosing that he loves has helped. He wants to earn it back and so he tries. Another thing is on the tantrums, My son started throwing these also, and I simply put him in his bed and I walk away. Once they learn they arent going to get the attention they want for doing this they wills stop. My 8 year old step-daugther will throw colossal tantrums. Hers will last upwards of 45 minutes to an hour just screaming and yelling in her room. Trying to convince my husband that ignoring her will help, he does not listen and will try to go calm her down, Which is what she is waiting for. She tries throwing her fits with me and I simply tell her to take it to her room because we dont want to listen to it. So she will go to her room and she will scream and the longer I ignore her, the louder she will get. She has now realized that I am not going to accomodate her in the venture and now when she starts and I tell her to go to her room, she just stops because she knows it isnt going to happen. Good Luck

L.,

I don't know your whole situation so, if what I have to share doesn't make sense in your situation, toss it! But - fair warning - I'm going to dish out advice that may make politically correct parents cringe.

I see more and more children these days who are allowed to be disrespectful. The media and culture actually promote some of this stuff, (if kids don't have any respect for what parents want, they're easier to shape as "consumers" by marketers, basically) - another topic for another day.

Anyway - consistent discipline / expectations of behavior are always good. In cases where things are that "off course", try what I call "hard labor" and "military mom" tactics.

For a span of time (depending on your daughter, it could be quick or it could drag out - if she's as strong willed as you say, prepare yourself!), I recommend taking a hard line to regain your status in your daughter's eyes (read appreciation for all you are and do as a mom - the HARDEST JOB in the world).

I don't know if you watch the Dog Whisperer (I think he's GREAT), but, if you do, this will make some sense - I believe children are looking for the same thing as dogs in a pack - clear leadership. They need to know YOU are the one they follow FIRST and FOREMOST (not media, not friends, not anyone / anything comes ahead of mom / dad / family).

To gain their appreciation for you as a leader, they must respect you. For that, they need to know who sets the rules, where the boundaries are (consistently), what gets reward, what gets punished, who dishes out these things, etc. If they have this clearly defined and consistently applied, they will calm down - it's like a natural law or something. If they do not, it's like dogs in a pack - fights break out. It may sound harsh to recommend being a disciplinarian, but I believe you'll find they will actually feel more safe, more "even" and more loved / loving / respectful when they know where they fit and belong, in a family. My totally unsolicited 2cents (sorry) is - a child who is behaving as you describe is not exhibiting these feelings on the inside and you're rightfully concerned FOR your child. This is a critical opportunity to help her. I celebrate your bravery and character as a mom - by your putting this question out here into cyberspace, it is OBVIOUS how much you love your daughter and care about her feelings, personal development and well being. I'm genuinely IMPRESSED - I mean, who wants to admit, my kid is out of control and I don't know what to do about it? It says a LOT about your character, as a mom and a woman, to put this out here. End of unsolicited 2cents :-).

So - what I call "hard labor" is a way of setting all the boundaries VERY clearly and consistently for a span of time, such that there is NEVER an opportunity for her to question who is the boss in your home. I DO NOT MEAN being abusive or mean or ovebearing or damaging AT ALL, period. But I DO mean being firm and 'no nonsense'.

Basically, put her on chores (indoors and out, morning-noon-night) while you keep a calm, cool presence, no matter what occurs. Use that kind of calm / cool you have when you are not going to take any BS from anyone - when you're not out of control and you mean what you say - just - neutral but firm.

Then you pick whatever it is you expect her to do - breaking things down into small, manageable jobs you KNOW she can accomplish without help of an adult. So, for instance, you have her put all the books in a bookshelf or clean and wipe the placemats / table down, etc. You then keep her moving from task to task throughout the day (basically, her whole life from eating to cleaning to anything you do is the result of YOUR choices, not hers and she has to EARN priveleges).

Believe it or not, this will give her a FOCUS for her energy she's now channeling into less constructive behaviors and, as frustrating as it will be at first, it can turn into a rewarding experience for both of you, if done with all your calm / cool spirit in tact (no matter what tantrums may get thrown - you never let it ruffle you).

If she can't figure out what to do next, you tell her, plainly, step-by-step - 'pick up the plate, put it on the counter, etc.' - total micro-management, if necessary. If she doesn't finish the job, there's a clear punishment you've already outlined for her (like, you'll spend one hour sitting on your bed - screaming or not I don't care - OR you won't have any treats for a day...2 days, etc. - you know what her buttons are, I'm sure). Obviously, you HAVE to follow through on any punishment you lay down or you will not get results.

The other thing is, if she IS compliant and making progress, begin to give her positive feedback - don't GUSH. Just offer affirmative, positive feedback. And, speckled throughout, you can let her know both the good and the bad. The good being - hey, if this works out, we can move on to fun stuff! The bad being a basic explanation of why this is neccessary - that, the reason for this experience is that she has not been listening or behaving with respect. You can explain, the fact is, the world does not tolerate people behaving this way and your job as a mom is to prepare her for living in that world. Let her know, if you didn't care about her, you'd let her behave horribly - you'd be happy to let others NOT want to be around her and allow her to be lonely and miserable in her life. Instead, you DO care - you WANT her to have friends and for people to see all the wonderful things about who she is - and list some of those for her - things you know are lovely about her that she will feel proud to think about and develop as she grows. Ultimatly, repeat letting her know that, when she decides to listen and behave, you'll be able to move onto doing other things that are more fun (earning the good stuff).

In the end, I believe you'll find she achieves self esteem, self respect, respect for you, a sense of accomplishment / contribution to the family and household - all of these can come from this activity. It is not a fun process - I assure you, you will feel like a police woman and she will resist (until she realizes she has no choice - what they call "breaking" someone in the military I guess...that's why I call it 'military mom' tactics!). And, if you're firm and loving, consistent and intentional, you have an incredible opportunity at this young age, to reign in her negative behaviors and cultivate positive ones.

L., you are a beautiful, beautiful mom! Your daughter can be proud to have a mom who is willing to take an honest look at the situation and search for new ways of doing things. Maybe you won't like my advice - maybe you'll dump it - maybe not. Regardless, your question shows great love for your daughter! I wish you the VERY best.

T. B.

I had this same frustration when my daughter was the same age. At my wits end, I called Focus on the Family and talked with a counselor. Her advice? You need to imagine this child in ten years. You cannot let your instructions to her be "optional". You need to think and be a step ahead of her at ALL times. You set up situations where she can make decisions and YOU give her the choices. Other than that, you follow thru and insist she follow your instructions. Outright defiance to your instructions requires punishment - period. The punishment you choose needs to be what is effective with the child and this changes over time. We had to take a placemat with us wherever we went for awhile that was the "naughty mat". There were even times where she sat on it in the middle of the store and even a time when I pulled the car over and we sat on the sidewalk for five minutes on our mat. That worked for us for awhile, but that too can change. Focus said you cannot lose the battle when it is complete defiance to your authority. If you choose to allow her to disrespect your authority now, be prepared that you will not have authority later in the game either. That was a wake up call for me to be the one in charge. Not easy, often times not fun. Good luck to you - hold your ground and you will be glad you did later!!!

The "Love and Logic" parenting books by Jim Fay are excellent. They teach parenting and relationship skills that work. They have information aimed at parents of toddlers, on up to parents of teens. They help you teach your children to deal with the natural consequences of their actions. You can find the books at a local library or bookstore. Many school districts offer Love and Logic parenting classes, taught by the local school counselors, for a reasonable fee. Good luck.

I am dealing with a 4 year old who won't listen either and it just started happening about a week or so before he turned 4 y ears old. I want to let you know that the way we handle the situation is to continue to do time outs, and make sure your kiddo stays there 4 minutes (since she is 4 years old). You want to sit her down after the time out and re-run with her why she is in trouble, as well as tell her that you still love her, but she needs to listen to you because you don't want her to____________ and then fill in the reason at the time. We are doing the same thing.
We also are working on making our son help us around the house with chores so he can get an idea of how hard it is at times to keep the house clean when he is going behind me like a tornado and un-doing everything I just cleaned. It really is helping to keep him focused on an activity and he is not acting out so much.

Another thing we are doing is including him in all activities such as cooking, putting something together and taking him to the library or somewhere each day to get some of that aggression out. They have excessive energy at this age, and I think that as long as we keep focusing our attention on keeping them busy and letting them know they are loved but there are boundaries, then they will eventually quit the tantrums.

Don't expect results right off the bat, this is a hard age to go through, but you're a great mom and just remember, it is for a short time.

Hope your results turn out for the best. If you need further ideas on what else we do with our kiddo, then just email me.

Kim B.
____@____.com

My son started that at about 2 and he had to throw his fits in his room with the door shut. Usually, because no one is there to witness it, he stops right away. I still send him to his room (3 3/4yrs) and his sister for any crying or screaming that is not due to pain. They learn really quick its not the way to get attention. We also talk about asking for help and such things to give them the vocabulary they need to communitcate.
Also, giving my son choices helped. I ask HIM what he wants to wear (usually between 2 or 3 options) or what he wants to eat or do. This way he feels like he is the one in charge. When he doesnt listen he still gets choices "either put on your shoes now or go to your room, your choice" type thing.

Consistence and firm is all you really can do. The hardest thing to do is ignore the tantrum but its also the best thing. As long as everyone is safe, walk away and let her have her fit, eventually she will learn that its not the way to get what she wants. Also 1,2,3, Magic works wonders at this age. I still use it, modified of course, on my kids and they are 14, 12, and almost 10! Let me know if you want to learn more about it

Hello, have you watch tv program called supernanny or nanny911. I watched the program last week what your daughter has been throwing exact not mistake. Need to get together and chat more times let your daughter develeop to feel more close to you. When your daughter throw the items. U can send her for timeout for a few mins then you sits with her to discuss why throw, ask her upset, alone, angry??? hope your daugther will answer the questions so you can discuss more with her. also explain dont throw items not proper and can hurt people. Keep up to do the way repeat at few times if your daughter improves her behavior. Wish you good luck with your daughter. Pray your daughter's behavior improves.

Hi L.,
I have to agree with Tristan B. The only thing I have to add is to make sure you are not trying to be her best friend and equal. When I was first divorced, I found that it seemed much easier to deal with my child by making him my equal. I also found that it wasn't long before he was acting out because there was no one in charge of his life. I think he felt like there weren't enough rules in his life, therefore, he was sort of in limbo. Your daughter will feel much more secure if you're in charge and know for sure that you care more than ever. Good luck. Be patient with this. You won't believe what happens;o) Just remember, you're her teacher. You'll both be fine.

Hi,, I'm D. and first off you might not like what I have to say,, and I'm only telling you this from experience,,I'm a Gramma and have raised kids since I was 14,, now, you say she yells at you fights with you throws her lil tantrums,,you need to be stern,,you say she yells at you,, fights with you,, just doesn't mind,, you need to stick with what you tell her,, and make her mind,, weather its time out,, spanking,, spare the rod spoil the child,, I don't care what welfare offices say,, those people do it too to their kids,, you have to ,, remember when we were little,, our parents did,, and we turned out fine,, didn't fight with our parents,, cause we knew what would happen,, try the old school way,, it works,, and it is not being mean,, it is called,, DISCIPLINING your child,,you will have your good daughter back,, but you have to stick with it,, always!!!!!!!!!!!D.,,

When my daughter was that young i never really had a huge problem with that but there was one time she was trying to throw one, I just stood there with a sturn look on face not saying a word, because children respond to what ever attention you give them and they will use that aganist you. I sat down let her act a fool, once she stop she look at me as those she seen a ghost, i took her by the arm and told her with a very strun voice, what i get expected her and that she better never do that a going or something bad will follow that, and she never did it again. Until this day she does not mess with mom....now she will test dad but not me. These days we have to put a stop to it or we will be on one of those show where the kids are beating up the parent, or the child has killed or harmed someone. It is good that you are addressing it now because it is not cute your child is act like that. Just hang in there it will get better, the bad thing is that it comes with growing.

All i can say is to be consistence. I have a 7 yr old who is the same way. Sometimes it is easier to just give in because you are so tired and just don't want to deal with it. I have posted rules on the fridge with consequences and this seems to help. Also, i take things away and she can earn them back if she is good. Have you tried a chart with stickers? Every time she is good she gets a sticker for that day and at the end of the week if she has all her stickers she gets to go get ice cream. Just a thought. Good luck and it does get easier, just be sure to be consistence.

I can't recommend John Rosemond enough. He teaches parents to lead, such that the children will follow. He says to mean what you say. Expect her to do what you tell her to do. Don't let her get away with not doing it. You can check him out at www.rosemond.com. He has a weekly newspaper column that is on the website, and he has lots of books. You definitely want to get a handle on her, as it's only going to get worse otherwise. His book Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children is excellent, as are all that I have read. I get them cheap on amazon. Good luck!

I'm just SO happy you wrote in about this, proves that I'm not alone!! We're going through the same thing with our 3.5 year old daughter and were just talking about it last night. I'll be checking your responses!

Pick your battles wisely! Some things are just not worth the fight. When you do take a stand it is not an option or something you can be screamed out of. She will learn that no means no eventualy. While you do this allow extra time to go anywhere. If you go to the store you need time to march her out to the car, deal with it, and get back to your shoping.

For anything that she can have control over, hand it over. You can give her the choise between 2 outfits for the day. If you give a treat or cracker have double duty, ask 1 or 2. This will give her choise and math! Look over your house and ask just how child proof it is. She is old enough to not put stuff in her mouth but what about breaking things on the coffee table?

And finaly, take comfort that your little girl will not be pushed into things she does not want to do! Nobody is going to push her around;)
I hope my 2 cents worth helps!