Terrible Two's or Jealousy

Hi C.,
Congratulations on your new baby! It sounds like you are doing all of the right things with your older one, with both you and daddy giving her one-on-one time. Many, if not most, older sibs will regress to an earlier stage of development after an infant comes on the scene. I know this probably feels like an incredibly long week for you, and it's been a really long one for your daughter too, since she is probably feeling totally disrupted, confused, and still wondering why her perfect world has been turned upside down by this new baby that she thinks has stolen her mommy. I hate to say it, but this could easily go on for months as she adjusts to her new family. It's only been a week, and it will take time for her to believe that you and your husband really do still love and value her the way you always have. My best advice would be to give her lots of time, avoid struggling with her over things that are not an emergency or life-threatening, and give her lots of explicit reassurance, ("Mommy and daddy love you so much!"). Also, try to involve her with the baby as much as you can, like having her bring you a diaper, getting the baby's favorite toy, etc., and give her lots of reinforcement for that--("You are such a great big sister!" "You help mommy so much!"). She needs time to be mad at you for "betraying" her with this other baby, so let her be mad and show her that even though she's hurt and angry, you will still love her no matter what. She WILL adjust, and the less you struggle against her need to be defiant right now, the less angry and worn out you will be. I hope you are getting some sleep!
P.

Congratulations! May I suggest to you that even though this is a difficult time of adjusting (for everyone!), that you continue to enforce the rules. Obedience is obedience, regardless of circumstances, although some bending of rules may be warranted. Children NEED structure and rules to feel safe, and it is even more important at a time like this.

I have had a lot of success with involving my older children in baby care etc. Have your older daughter fetch a diaper or burp cloth for the baby. Let her hold the baby (with TONS of help from you!). Allow her to be the big sister to the little one, and even share your lap while feeding baby. Her behavior is all about attention. By doing things WITH you and the baby and doing things FOR the baby will give her positive attention and make her feel useful. All these things will unite you as a family and it won't feel like "baby against me" for your elder daughter. One-on-one time is important and great to do, but uniting as a family "group" is even better. My best to you...

It is hard being 2.5. You are trying to develop some autonomy and have difficulties succeeding all of the time and then you have some adult telling you when to eat, when to sleep, when to play, when to pick up, when to get dressed. For some, having a new baby in the house is difficult. Some good one on one time and lots and lots of positive reinforecement are essential but so is having some define boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behavior. Children need to know what is expected of them and need consistency. Understanding and being sensitive to what developmental stage your daughter is in cognitively, physically, and socially are important while you maintain consistency and structure. Getting "really really mad" at her isn't good for her or you. Along with a lot of love and attention, I swear by the 1-2-3 Magic program (or my version of it which is incredibly consistent and filled with a lot of love). I used it with both of my children (son 22 months and daughter 4) and they are very well behaved, listen very well to me and my husband, and are very happy children.

I feel your pain. My son was 2 when I brought my second son home from the hospital. When I went into the hospital I left my sweet, well behaved 2 year old and came home to a child I did not know. He would throw tantrums, talk back, and do anything he could for attention-. He would try to hit the baby and tell me he did not like the baby and wanted me to take the baby back to the store. I could not understand what happened in 2 days to my sweet son. He turned into some type of monster. I sat my son down and explained to my son that he did not need to be jealous and that mom has enough love for both of them and that he now was a big brother and that is a huge responsibility and that mommy needs help with the new baby. I would let him help me give a bottle to the baby and change his diaper etc..He still would act out but after a month or so he came around. He is now 3 and he still says "mom remember when me was jealous of baby"

Hi C.,
My daughter will be in October, and we brought her new brother home at the beginning of August. She is doing the same thing. I think it is 2s because she really loves her brother and always wants to hold him, kiss him, etc. If it were jealousy I think more would be directed at him. Good for you with the one on one time- that is what we are trying to do also. I would absolutely keep enforcing rules though. The fits may be bigger, but if you let her slide, her behavior will only get worse. It is so hard, I know, but it is probably for the best. Some days I feel like she thinks I am so mean, but she needs to learn boundaries! Good luck and congratulations on the new little one!
E.

Hi C.,

Congrats!! We're in the same boat - our first is 21/2 and the new baby came home in March. The jealousy seems to come and go in stages. I totally agree with all the advice Pam gave you. You are doing all the right things - I also just ask "are you feeling jealous right now?" I usually get a "Yes!!!" from our first and then tell her it's completely ok to feel that way and we love her no matter what...she'll always be our first baby, etc....seems to lighten the situation a bit. Life will bring lots of obstacles and this is a learing experience for your fist.

Also, very soon the new baby will start lighting up when your daughter is in sight and she will start to feel important and connected with the new intruder! When our son giggles and our daughter I say "See how you make him laugh? He loves you so much!" Stuff like that. Hang in there...time flies with the first baby and goes even faster with the second. You'll be in a groove and have this down in no time!