My Son Does Not Cry for Me :(

INCLUDE him in some of the small things you do. Even let him show him a favorite book or let him (read- they can tell the story and not necessarily read the exact words) etc. Let him know his important role as a big brother AND that he's a big help to you.

Set aside some SPECIFIC time that belongs JUST to the two of you. Make it fun and special so that he'll look forward to it.

T., the one thought that popped in my head was this....he might cry for you when he's at his dad's and you just don't know it.

T.,
You have gotten a lot of good advice here. I agree with a lot of it. I have three boys. Two are my husband's biological children. My oldest, is not. He is now 8 and REALLY wants to please and spend time with Dad! (His biological father is no longer in the picture and my husband has adopted our oldest son). Another thought too is that you may want to have your husband and your son do some "guy" stuff together too. Boys need good role models in their lives and you can never give them too many good role models! Your son is lucky to have two Dads that are showing him how to be a boy, and soon, a man!

Consistently, as has been mentioned, involve him in taking care of HIS brother, stressing what a good big brother he is, how much HIS little brother loves him, etc.

I have been reading a lot of books on "my" influence on boys cuz I am beginning to "lose" the adoration and the boys REALLY want Dad!!! Moms are SOO important to little boys in so many ways but, after the first few years...we are sort of set on the back burner. Not that we are not loved or appreciated as much but, the boys just need to learn how to be a man and the ONLY one who can do that is a MAN! Feel free to e-mail me and I can give you some names of books that I have read (if you're a reader)!

____@____.com

You are doing just fine and keep up the good work!

I think it's time for a serious heart to heart with your son. Kids are very often willing to share their feelings and emotions but we as adults tend to tune them out at times. Talk to him. Ask him how he feels and if he's happy. If not, ask him why he isn't happy. You would be likely to learn soooo much more from him than you could learn from us. Give it a shot. Let us know what happens with it all. Good luck, T. M.

Jordan has had two big changes in his life, he's due some adjustment time, however "some" is the key word. At his father's house, he is more than likely the center of attention and gets to do what he wants. At home, he shares you with his stepfather and baby brother and there is not one but two adults bossing him around. What 5 year old wouldn't want dad's house? But what a child wants and what is best for the child are often two different things. I think its great that his step father makes him mind. A child should be taught that they should respect and listen to any adult in charge. You can't have another adult in the house that is not in charge of a child. That messes up the natural pecking order of the family. Babies are hard for kids, we look forward to the so much, but when they get here you can just see the kid thinking "this little crying lump is what everyone was so excited about, he's loud, he's messy and he frequently smell bad!" As Eli gets older, Jordan will appreciate him more, he'll be funny and he'll idolize his older brother. Idolatry always works wonders!

I am a mom of 4, and here is my experience on the matter. My kids are always more excited to see Dad. They are with me all the time. My husband and I are not divorced, but he is at work all day - and then when he gets home it's dinner, bath, bed... so they only get him for a few hours most days of the week. Therefore, Dad is a novelty.

When he gets home from work everyone is so excited to see him. They gather around him and hug him and shout his name... when I get home from somewhere, they don't even notice I'm there. When he leaves for work, there's even tears occasionally. When I leave for anywhere, I'm lucky to get a goodbye!

Moms are very easy to take for granted... but who is the first person they turn to when they are hurting? Not Dad! Don't take it personally if you son cries for Dad. I'm assuming that he lives with you, and probably in the same home he lived it with you and Dad before things changed, right? It's hard for him because Dad isn't where he's supposed to be. It's a transition, but he'll get through it. Just support him, and make sure that Dad is on board about not making separation too big of a deal by dwelling on how much he misses him.

I am in the same situation. My son is 7 and I am scheduled to deliver his baby sister by c-section on Oct 13th. He likes to help get things ready for her (putting up her mobile, putting together the bouncy chair, etc), but I am nervous that he will be jealous once she arrives. I too am divorced and remarried. My husband now treats my son as if he is his, correcting bad behavior, etc. I have started having "one-on-one" time with my son. It makes him feel important. I started it now and explained to him that it will continue once the baby arrives. He loves his special time with just me and really looks forward to it. This might be a good idea to do with your oldest. Spend time doing things that he enjoys. My son loves to do crafts so we always "make" something together. He always wants to make something for his sister. GOOD LUCK!

YOu need to make sure you make time for him also. I'm sure your husband can help out with the baby for at least an hour every night so that you can spend time together.It will help both of you. It is hard not to feel guilty when being a mother. Remember your hormones are still out of sync since having a baby too. Good luck. ALso try to find a way that he can help you with the baby so he can develop a connection with the baby too.

This sounds quite normal to me. Make sure you are making him behave at your house and not "spoiling" him because of the situation. He wants to feel normal and that you care. Children need discipline and to know there are boudaries. If he cries to go to his Dad's, just firmly tell him he can't until Saturday (or whatever day) and that if he fusses about it, he will be sent to his room for an hour. Then follow through. Don't worry about trying to make him feel comfortable. Kids can read adults easier than you think. He knows you are stressing over this and he will take advantage of the attention. It's normal.

I felt really guilty after my son was born (my daughter was two and a half and totally used getting every second of my attention). Here are a couple things that helped her "bond" with her little brother and helped with jealousy issues:

Whenever we referred to the new baby, we always would always refer to him as "your brother." Your brother needs a new diaper, I need to feed your brother, etc. I read somewhere that that helps with jealousy issues because they will see you taking care of something that is theirs too. It sounds strange but I think it helped.

I tried to plan something she really enjoyed doing during his nap time. As soon as he would go to sleep we would sit and do playdough, paint, etc. Sometimes it was tough because I really wanted to be getting other things done while the baby was sleeping but I think it really helped her to have my undivided attention.

I tired to really stress that the baby liked her. If he would smile or laugh when she was around I always made a big deal about it, I'd say something like "wow, he doesn't usually smile so big for me, how did he you get him to do that - he must really like you." If she would get a diaper for us or pick up his pacifer I would say something like "he is really lucky to have such a great big sister."

It's really tough, but try not to feel so guilty - you didn't do anything wrong! Just give him lots of positive attention and hopefully he will start feeling better about his new brother soon.

He might be wanting to go to his father's because of the new baby. He may be feeling ignored and unwanted now that you're so busy with the new baby.

Just a few thoughts.

Good luck.

This is only my opinion, step-daddy shouldn't be doing the disipline. You should be!!!!
Imagine how you would feel, if you were him and your daddy was removed from your presence,and another male you don't know became your daddy. That is what has happened and he resents you and your new hubby. He had your undivided attention and now he doesn't have it, so why cry for mommy , daddy is the one missing.

Hi T.,

Coming from a family of divorce myself, I can tell you step-parents are tough on the children - adjusting, feeling wanted and accepted.
I would limit the discipline to you unless absolutely necessary.
I would also take a day or afternoon to spend only with him. Make him feel that he is just as important as anyone else and give him some responsability in the home so he feels wanted and needed.
Maybe a "small" responsability having do to with locking all the doors at night and explain the importance of safety etc...
Just some thoughts, give him a key to the house and have him hide it outside somewhere so he feels big.

Hope it helps some

I think it was a Brazelton line, he said: What would you do if your spouse came to you one day and said, Honey, I love you so much, that I am going to go out and get another one spouse to love!" It is only natural, and you just have to be firm and let him know that you love him and that wont change. It is common for children to try and manipulate the best outcomes for themselves by what ever means possible, even guilt, so don't give him the idea that he is being sucessful and he will quit, or try another strategy. Kids only try what works, there has to be something in it for him, figure out what that is, and it will end.

I would say yes, yes, and yes!!! My daughter went through the same thing.....and it's just an adjustment period. My own mom teased with me and said that my daughter is mad at me for having another baby....which is quite possible. I tried to make sure that she felt included on everything. I would say things to the baby like, "you are so lucky to have such a good big sister." Or make a big deal out of things your son is doing that the baby can't do yet or isn't "allowed" to do yet. She would cry to go to grandma's house (because there she is the center of attention.) And I felt terribly guilty. But they get through it, and we do to!! Good luck and give him lots of reassurance and love.

My question is, how often does he see his dad? If he sees his dad only the standard of evry other weekend, of COURSE he would want his dad. If you are the primary care giver, then you are the one with the rules and homework, and clean your room and Dad is probably the "disneyland dad" with no rules and just fun. Your new hubby makes him listen and this is a change, I understand this to mean that his dad doesn't make him mind or do anything he doesn't want to do. If that is the case, then you are going to be 'the bad parent' to the child UNTIL he is old enough to understand that what you make him do you make him do it out of love. Also, he might feel jealous of your new baby. Jordan might need some 'momie and me time' while your new hubby takes care of the baby. I would try to set up a weekly 'date' with Jordan where you go do something fun just for Jordan. And vise versa so Jordan can have a good and healthy relationsip with your new hubby. Life MUST be a balance between rules and fun for all of us at all ages. Also, I think the advice of having Jordan do things for Eli is great. He can help you take care of the baby b.c 'mom can't do it alone and you need his help'. My kids LOVE it when I tell them that kind of thing. Even if it is something they hate to do, if I phrase it like that they are more willing to help out. Best of Luck and Congrats on the new baby!

I am learning more and more about the connection between boys and their Dads. They are wired to admire, connect with and emulate their Dads. The same-sex parent has a powerful role in the child. My 5-year old son much prefers his Dad (we all live together). I'm tempted to feel envious at times but am coming to accept the reality that because he doesn't have as much time with him and because my husband is my son's role model, my son is really passionate about spending time with him. For more insight into boys and their dads, pick up the book, "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson.

I think he just may be feeling replaced. His daddy is gone, a new man is in the house and a new baby. Maybe try to spend time with him while new hubby is with the baby. Now on with the discipline. I believe that is your job and your ex hubby or boyfriend. Yes your son should respect him but it's not your new hubby's place.GL!