Telling Older Kiddo About New Baby

When I was 8 and my mom was pregnant with my younger brother, she just told us. My honest advice-- don't even bother trying to warm him up or persuade him to like the idea. I would have given a sound 'no' vote on baby bro at the time. What does an 8 year old know what life with a baby will be like? Just tell him and accept that he may need some time to get used to the idea that he'll be sharing his parents with another child.

I never had that kind of an age gap with my kids (they are now 26 to 18 years old, and there are 7 of them).

I do remember when I was expecting the 5th child, my then oldest said, "What? another one?" and life just continued on. I was not seeking approval, or even particular excitement from the other kids.

I was stating a fact.

I took the same 'fact stating' approach with other family and friends as well!

Congrats!

Uhm...the whole point of this site is to put our own spin and backstory on things. The world is awfully boring without the shared experience of others. You don't get to dictate how people answer based upon their own opinions, ideas, and experiences.

I wouldn't get too far into the weeds with it. Perhaps when you're out and see siblings together, or when you're driving home from the cousin's house, say something like, "Jane and Michael really have fun together. Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to have a brother or sister?"

However...I wouldn't have expectations either way. At 8/9/10, he might be excited...and he might be upset. Just accept whatever comes with understanding and validation. There's no wrong way to feel when your mom says she's having a baby.

My oldest 2 kids are 6 years apart. And my youngest 2 are 5 1/2 years apart. They are 33, 27,25 & 20.

We didn't really do any ground work for the 2nd or 3rd. Just said mommy's having a baby. For the last one same announcement except we told the oldest who was 13 a lot earlier than the two middle boys. She of course was horrified as that meant her parents who were OLD were having sex. I was 33 at the time of youngest sons birth. She's 33 now and doesn't feel like that's old anymore lol.

I think it depends on the child. In that age group they are most likely pretty self centered so he'll probably be concerned about the changes this will make in his life. If his activities will be cut back because of a new baby. If he'll be expected to help out or pitch in around the house because of the new baby.

I'd say to treat it as a matter of fact thing and deal with whatever fall out that comes. If things will have to change be ready to address this. He may or may not want to talk about it but keep the lines of communications open.

One of my friends played the what if we had another baby thing with her daughter and her daughter's answer was nope. Don't want a sibling. No how, no way. My friend followed this up with a month of wouldn't it be nice, really you'd find a sibling fun, you would be a big sister. None of this swayed her daughter. When she finally just told her daughter she was pissed because she felt like they had been trying to sway her into liking this.

Remember adding to your family is an adult decision so don't play games with trying to get your son to buy into it. It'll happen with or without his consent so just wait a while and then tell him. No games.

Every response I see indicates they did in fact read your question.

There is nine years between my middle two. I told them, no build up, no games, just told them and they were fine.

My experience is that the more you mess around with it, the more you try to lead them and in the process make them feel they are more a part of this than they are, the more problems you will have.

My oldest kids (same-age step-twins) were 6 & 8 when their younger siblings were born. We waited until we were ready to tell every our news (12+ weeks) and just told them and that was it. They were mildly interested but that was about it, no strong reaction for or against the idea.

I remember telling my oldest when he was 11 that I was a surrogate and pregnant with a friend's twins. His reaction? "OK but can I go to Ben's after school?" It's amazing how much they don't care about this kind of thing until it physically affects them. Once you slow down your activity level towards the end, or start moving bedrooms around, or new stuff shows up at the house, he'll have a reaction but prior to that, don't expect much at this age.

I didn't read the responses as saying that you are playing games with your child. I read them as the posters trying to warn you that your strategy may backfire and your child may think you're playing games with him. Big difference.

Personally, I'd wait until you're farther along and then just tell him.

It sounds like you are hoping that "laying the groundwork" will help him gradually get used to the idea and therefore make it easier for him to accept the situation. That's a possibility. It does work sometimes. But usually it just blows up in your face.

My son will be 9 next month, and anytime I've tried that type of strategy, he has seen right through it and has been furious with me. In his eyes it is deceitful. He sees it as me trying to trick him. And he has a point!

If you are pregnant, then you are going to have a baby whether he likes it or not. So just be upfront with him. Stand next to your husband, smile and together say, "We're having a baby!" If he's happy, great! Fabulous! Celebrate together!!!

And if he's not happy, let him feel whatever it is he feels - sadness, anger disappointment, feel jealousy. Those are all emotions that might hit him. He might run to his room and slam the door. He might just sit down and start crying. He might decide to yell and scream. Let him. He is entitled to his emotions. He didn't choose the baby, you did. That's life! When you're a kid you don't always get to choose. Adults get to make most of the decisions, and you just have to live with it. But you don't have to be happy about it, and he doesn't have to be happy about this decision. He does, however, have to accept it. But let him feel whatever he needs to feel. Give him that space. When he's ready, you can talk to him about it. But give him some time first.

The best thing you can do is be honest and upfront with him. He may be thrilled. He may not be. Either way, you owe it to him to be straight forward and just tell him.

sorry, i don't get it. i would never consider KEEPING that info from a child in my home, especially one this old. i suppose i'm a rhino in some ways. obviously one wants to be sensitive to potential negative emotions, but the pussyfooting and eeking around subjects would make me nut up as a kid and still does as an adult.
what's wrong with being honest, simple and straightforward?
maybe he'll be THRILLED.
if he's not, you can handle it as you need to going forward.
if we don't treat our kids as if they're super-fragile, or stupid, or hyper-sensitive, or incapable, most of the time they're not.
khairete
S.

I had the same thought as D. D. Don't open up a discussion of the hypotheticals as if your older one is going to get a vote on this. If they trash the idea, then what? And even if they like the idea, when the baby comes and is annoying as heck, then what? You can't say to the older child, "Well you were in favor of this so you don't get to change your mind."

It's an adult decision, and it needs to stay that way. I also don't think how a child takes the news is any indication of anything. They have no frame of reference, they can't imagine what it's going to be like. There should be no expectation that they will be excited at the news, that they should be able to fantasize about what life will be like, or that it will be all fun or all misery. It just IS. How they feel at the IDEA is one thing, how they feel when Mom and baby get all the attention is another, how it impacts their life in the short run is yet another, and how it affects them in the long run is still another.

The big things to consider when announcing to and preparing an older child is to think about all the things that other people will say as well as you! Others will expect him to be thrilled, or miserable, some will say "Your life is never going to be the same", some will say "You'll be a terrific big brother" (which is meant as a compliment but tells that kid that he's got a job now that he didn't sign up for), some will say "You'd better start learning to deal with poopy diapers" or stuff like that - so all of these things affect the child. It turns into an information overload.

I wouldn't lay too much groundwork other than discussions in general of what are parent decisions (jobs, finances, medical care) and what things kids get input on (some input o meal choices, types of vacations, movie choices just to name a few), either from the get-go or as they get older. Those are helpful family dynamics topics anyway, and it helps older kids navigate the maturation process from being powerless to being totally independent as an adult, and all of the development in between.

Since we do not know your child, it can be hard to know if gently laying out groundwork will mater, or just spilling the beans and be excited, with reassurances, this child us not going to miss out on anything already planned.

Our daughter did best with honesty and us,
allowing her time to absorb the information and encourage her to freely ask any questions or share her thoughts and feelings.

She knew she could say anything to us and we would not get mad. We might be concerned, but not mad at her for sharing her true feelings.

My first was a little over 2 when I got pregnant with #2 and we told him right away, the day I took the test. He came to all the prenatal appointments, shopping and was there at the birth center for the birth. When I got pregnant with my third my boys were 8 & 5. We told them the day I took the pregnancy test. I told my husband first and when they both woke up we told them together. They also went to all my prenatal appointments, helped with all the shopping and rearranging of the house to make room for their new sibling and were there for her birth at the birth center. The benefit of going shopping with us was they got new things for themselves too, especially because things were getting handed down to baby. We also made a point of doing shopping trips for only their things without any emphasis on baby stuff, though things did get put in the cart. After prenatal appointments we'd do something enjoyable and somewhat celebratory like get ice cream or go to Grandma's house for dinner since her house was between our house and the birth center. My kids had cameras to take their own pictures so I have fun pictures of pictures on the walls or the candles or the other family that was there. I have pictures of things they liked while my mom took them on a walk around the block or to 7-11 while I was in labor. My entire pregnancy they were looking at the books we got that showed the development and stuff. If I ever had another I would do it all again in a heartbeat!! We kept them involved, informed and never put them aside for "baby stuff". They never felt "replaced" or "put aside" or jealous of the new baby. The new baby was as much theirs as it was ours, it was a new member of our family. My kids were eager to help with their siblings once they were here.

I found out I was pregnant when my oldest were 8, in August. We did not tell them or anyone until October. 2 people at work figured it out but were sworn to not tell anyone at all. Drove them nuts. Didn't tell my parents until almost Halloween.

My kids were mad. Did not like it when we told them 3 years later there was another coming. When he was born, they asked if "the factory was closed". They do not get along well with my 2 youngest now 7 and 3 though they can be a major challenge.

I have an 8 year old who was 7 when we got pregnant with her little brother. We gave her a shirt that said "big sister" and she was very excited.

ETA: If you "could be" pregnant than please, please disregard my post.

Original: I am sorry that you feel we did not read your post. You asked us if we had an older child and how we decided to break the news of baby.

Honesty is the best policy. Being matter of fact is much better than beating around the bush. The fact is mom is having a baby in "X" amount of months. There will be changes and they will affect everyone. Do give your older child time without the baby. Have special dates or days where it is just the two of you. Hire a babysitter if need be but do keep it separate.

Yes, at that age, kids think it is disgusting that mom and dad have sex up until they are married. So you might have that to contend with. But having a baby is an adult decision not a child's. You, the parents, are the ones who have to provide for it not the older sibling.

So once again think about it as a matter of fact of life and how we on this site answer questions.

May you have a healthy, happy pregnancy and a speedy delivery.

the other S.

Are you already pregnant? Or are you trying? When I read your question, I thought you were already pregnant, but the other answers make me wonder if maybe you're not pregnant yet.

If laying the groundwork has been successful in the past, then do it that way again. Just make sure you're not letting him think he has a say in the matter, and that if he protests enough, it won't happen.

honestly, I think it's probably better just to tell him straight out, but he is your son and you know what works best for his personality.

I actually didn't think there were any really strong negative replies on here at all. I know it can happen sometimes, but these seemed well thought out to me.

Sounds like a "cop out."

We announced to my then seven year old stepdaughter "we are expecting a baby." Done with one statement and no groundwork. She was an only child so we were concerned she'd be upset. Honestly, though, we all have to adjust to changes so put on the big girl panties and let's go with no fuss is my mantra. She's done fine but we are nothing but matter of fact with her on all topics. We didn't spend nine months tiptoeing around her feelings or the fact a new baby was coming. We also equally didn't rub the baby in her face 24-7. The baby was a topic just like any other. When the baby arrived, we found our new balance which included everyone as equally as possible. Good luck.

P.S. My stepdaughter is of the type she doesn't like a lot of build up. I would gage how to treat the situation with your own child based on his personality. To me that is always the key as a parent - what does my child need and then tailor your response that way. It sounds like yours might like the gradual build up in which case stick to that approach. Now is not the time to try new approaches. :) Enough changes are on the horizon.

My son was 5 when my daughter was born...so not quite that age. But he is 11 now and he keeps saying all the time that he wishes we would have another baby. He thinks families with lots of kids are so much fun. And he loves babies/toddlers...he thinks they are sooo cute. His sister is not so little and cute to him anymore...sometimes she really annoys him. I would start with some positive conversations...does he like little kids and babies? Has he ever wished to be a big brother? What does he think of having a tiny one around that will think he is super awesome? Our good friends have a 13 year old son who was 8 when they adopted a baby girl from China. He is The Sweetest big brother I have ever met and just adores his little sister. He will drop her off or pick her up from school (they can walk from their house). He is so good and kind with her. He even signed up to be a camp counselor at her preschool summer camp this summer. I am always so impressed with him because my son is often just annoyed with his sister...but not always. They have times where he is teaching her how to do things, or helping her, or just showing her around to his friends and being proud of his cute little sis. My advice is...babies take up so much of your time. Try to prepare your son for this. Make sure you get special one on one time with him to let him know how he will always be your special big kid.

My son was 5 when I found out I was pregnant with #2. We don't tell anyone about pregnancies until after 12 weeks because I don't want to have to deal with telling everyone about a M/C. That included our son. It was fun to have a secret between my husband and myself - we did out ourselves at a restaurant last time about 10 weeks when I was super super sick and my mom figured it out.

By 8 and older, children overhear and are observant so if you are telling anyone, you had better tell him also. It would be worse if you were talking with a friend and he found out by overhearing you.

Good luck! I would love another but would have to stack - no more room at the inn!