Telling Children About Abortion

My daughter is now 19 and when she was 12 this topic came up. I told her my feelings about abortion and then advised her if she was ever in a situation where she felt she needed to make a choice like that I would support her decision. I personally couldn't have an abortion, but I don't feel I should judge others for making their choice since I haven't walked in their shoes. When they ask, it's time to talk and be honest...that's my motto.

First I would not think a 12 year old is ready for the abortion talk. This subject is sooooo personal for each women. So here I go with my thoughts. My daughter is 23 years old, we have discussed abortion as adults. I gave her my feelings. If she got pregnant and had an abortion she is killing her baby. We also talked about how an abortion is performed. I know after educating my daughter on her rights and information these clinics leave out she would NEVER have one.

Michele, I don't believe that believing in the right to choose makes abortion more palatable except for extremely selfish women. Most women I know have agonized over the decision to terminate a pregnancy, even when they knew the baby was not normal.

This is what I've told my kids. I've also told them that nothing is simple. I've stressed understanding that as well.

I don't know if this is useful to you or not.

Dawn

My daughter just turned 12 and she and I had the discussion about abortion about two years ago....I hadn't planned on it but it came about after the pastor of my church did a sermon about the sanctity of human life on the particular Sunday that it is celebrated each year (Sanctity of Life day). Anyway, on the way to get dinner that night for the rest of the family, she asked me what the pastor was talking about...on our way to Panda Express and back home, I found myself talking to my then ten year old daughter about sex and abortion. Honestly, it went very well. Now for me, being a Christian, this is a moral issue. The Bible clearly states in Psalms that we are wonderfully and fearfully made and knit by God's hands in our mother's womb. It goes on to say that all of our days were ordained before one of them came to be. So that is what I told my daughter. Life is a miracle created by God and it is wrong for us to take it before its natural end. Simply that. There are many who will disagree passionately and that's ok, in America that is our right to do so. But I will always teach my daughter (and sons when they are old enough) that abortion is not a Godly choice.

ok so heres the thing abortion is a very serious subject to alot of people and there are some very different views on it..i feel like that if you chose to lay down with someone and the end result is that you are preggo then you should do the right thing and have that baby if you dont want or cant afford to have the baby then you should place that child up for adoption to a loving and caring home that wants that child..i dont think really there is any reason to have a abortion other then if it is gonna harm the mother or baby medically...i know a girl that was raped and she chose to keep the baby the baby was the best thing that ever happened to her and she loves that baby more then life itself..when she was trying to overcome the stress and hurt of being raped that baby reminded her that there are better things in life and gave her something to live for...the is a very sensitive subject that i hope everyone thinks hard about and is careful how they post how they feel..we are a group on strong and smart women and there is no reason for harsh or hurtful words so i am proud of all the women here that have posted to this point for being so calm in a very touchy subject..good luck to you on telling your daughter your thoughts

My 12yo didn't know about this topic unitl we had a foreign exchange student. She, the FE student, was really surprised my daughter knew nothing.
I then told her the facts. That abortion is the killing of a fetus inside a woman's body. I let her know my opinion, which is I am against abortion, but I also said that it really isn't the courts decision whether a girl or woman should or shouldn't have one. We had some good discussions about the why's and what;s and now she knows of God Forbid anything ever happens to her she will be able to come to her daddy or me and we have amny options that do not include abortion.
I think this is one of those topics not to be discussed outside of the family, much like whether or not you live with someone before marriage, sex before marriage, the whens of sex, the why's of abstinence. THese are lessons to teach our own children, not to have them learn it on the steet.

Yikes this is a loaded question. First of all for all the militants out there let me say that I am against abortion, but am also against the government telling me what I can or can't do with my own body ( how would we like it if like in China we were required to only have one child) My daughter isn't that age yet, but I don't think I would say much until she was older, unless she was asking questions. I would be open and keep answers age appropriate. When talking to my daughter in the past about some of the touchy subjects I let her know that there are different opinions, and what I think, but let her know that she will be able to make her own choices in the future. I don't think its the slogans that make abortion more palatable as much as how we view it. Birth control, verses keeping government out of health choices verses, having options in extreme cases only. We can only hope to raise our children with good values so they can make good choices in life and if they make mistakes be able to pay for any consequences.

Michele,

I anticipate you getting alot of responses on this one-- very controversial question! As far as my children, I will be open and honest in whatever questions they have about it. Yes it is legal-- but not everything legal is right. I personally view abortion as killing a life. In a perfect world we wouldn't need abortion. I know that in some cases it is debatable on the "need" for the woman. But whatever questions my kids have-- they will hear the truth and the facts from me. If they want my opinion- they will get it- but I won't voluntarily say that its not killing--because it is. I would let your daughter ask you the questions and answer her honestly. Let her decide what she thinks about it. Good luck!

M

i won't have the abortion talk with my kids unless i am cornered to answer. if i am cornered, i will probably say something like: it is the woman's choice to have or not have the baby. there are some people cut to be parents, and there are some who shouldn't have babies. babies need care, love, means to support and raise. not to be brought into this world and cast aside.
i don't believe in abortion for myself, but i do believe every woman should have a right to decide whether to keep the pregnancy or not. it shouldn't be anybody's business what the woman does.

I told mine some of the reasons that people have them. and that sometimes we make mistakes and that it is o.k. to have one. but it;s not o.k. to use it as a form of birth control( opps i didn't use birth control let me just get a abortion). I told her that it is her business why she would want one and no one can make her choice for her and never let any of the peolple that stand in front of the buildings discourage her if she feels that an abortion is the right decision for. I heard one "protester" tell a young woman you need to keep that baby it's a life. and she told him well I tell you what I;ll have it and you can come it and take care of it because i can't give this baby the life it deserves and my birth control method failed. so what's your address? he shut up real quick. i also told her don't let the religious die hards tell her anything different either, because they can't live her life for her. so i explained how it was done., the different options( how far she can be to have one) and how she may feel afterwads. but i also told her if she ever ended up in that prediciment to come talk to me first so we can try to talk about ALL her options.

i think the answers to this question will be as varied and emotional as the debate over abortion has been for decades.

but for my two cents, my personal opinion is that if i had a daughter i would impress on her the need for SAFE sex with someone you LOVE- when you are mature enough to handle the possible ramifications. and then i would tell her that with a loving and supportive family, there will never be a need for her to ever get an abortion (barring medical issues, god forbid.) my mother had the same outlook. it was comforting to know that if i had ever been in that situation, my mom would have been there for me.

My daughter is 7 and wanted to know why (lets call her" jane") isnt pregnant anymore. She over heard my friend "jane" crying to me about being pregnant. Then after a couple of months my daughter is old and smart enough to realize that janes stomache isnt growing. yes, it is an an awkward conversation. Its not really my style to say "dont worry about it". This will make a childs mind reel with unanswered questions, and they make up their own answers. There is fear and anxiety that comes with that. I told my daughter that when women become pregnant they can go to a doctor that makes them not pregnant anymore, and that some women do it, and some dont. She asked me what happened to the baby, even harder question. I said the baby never got to live.

I never would describe how, but i will certainly tell her that it happened, and why. Abortion happens, its one of those things we cant stop. I told my daughter what it was and the chips fell where they did.

She doesnt agree with it,SHE said it was wrong. Im not going to tell her what to think about it.

I have a 15 yr old and we have discussed it. On a personal note, I can see why some women might choose it and I would never judge them for making that decision. If the tables were turned and it my decision, I honestly don't know what I would do.

Yes, I explained to daughter what it is (Per my opinion) and she has a right to her opinion.

That is how I have communicated with daughter. She brought it up to me when mention of the morning after pill and the pill from France was mentioned in her health class.

I always err on being honest. I believe it is the best policy with my child.

Science has advanced enough that children today can see for sure that fetuses are, in fact, human babies. Most children are naturally pro-life.

When the time comes to explain sex and it's consequences to my daughter, I will make sure she understands about birth control and the fact that it's not 100%, so she shouldn't have sex with someone unless she's ok with having a baby with him. You can explain what abortion is, but I know I was horrified by it as a child (still am) and you should be prepared for your daughter to be also.

Trust me when I say that 12 is not too young to have this talk. She probably knows way more than you think already.

No matter what your own opinion is on the subject, it is important to discuss all sides of this issue with your daughter. She will make her own decision on the matter, so it is important that she has as much information as possible.

seeing as a person who has gone through an abortion I am not sure I would want to tell them about it unless they asked the question. It's something I will never do again, something I am ashamed of. I guess I would explain it as I was young, dumb and couldn't afford a child. But more importantly I trust that bfs words of him wanting a family... Now I am no longer with him, I am married and have a beautiful 5 month old son and another baby on the way. In my opinion don't talk about it until the ask, when they ask try to explain it the best you can. Good luck.

Ok, realistically at age 12, your daughter already knows the basic gist of what an abortion is. If anyone is under the impression that 11-13 yo girls don't know what it is, I think your severely underestimating what 6th & 7th grade adolescents have been exposed to through tv, nightly news, media, etc.

I think a parent's job is the fill in the blanks of a young person 's understanding based on the family's values, the emotional and human life value versus the political and woman's civic rights issues (the previously mentioned policy of China's forced abortions is a good example of the various levels of complexity) versus quality of life concerns (as in if the fetus was developing a condition, disease or if the mother's life was in danger or if the mother was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant). I would also mention the option of adoption/open adoption when having this conversation. And of course, impart to my daughter that, if she thinks she might be ready for sex, that she confide in me first so we can discuss birthcontrol, concerns, etc.

I'm curious as to why this came up? Is she asking questions regarding the subject? or are you just preparing for when the time comes? a 12 year old seems too young to handle this topic to me, even realizing that some 12yos are more mature than others.
There are ways to tell her the basic facts without going into too many details if you decide that's what you want to do. But I would definately give her your opinions on the subject. Daughters at her age need their mothers opinion to stand behind. If she decides later in life that abortion is OK, then that will be her proragative but I think if you are considering telling her about it at all you are obligated to tell her where you stand and why. Otherwise it would be like handing her a loaded gun (figuratively speaking) and telling her to decide if it's right or wrong to shoot someone.

I have thought about what I will tell my girls when they are older (they are 2.5 yrs old). I strongly believe in a woman's right to choose. That said, I truly believe the best situation is to never be in the situation where you have to make that choice. And that is why their mother, even though I didn't marry until I was 39, never found myself in that situation. I made sure that didn't happen through smart decisions and, later, birth control.

I think what I will emphasize is the need to wait until they are old enough to engage in sexual activity and are in love with a committed person and not just some pushy guy. I will emphasize that getting pregnant before you are ready is very, very unfortunate. IMO, there are no great options. Keeping the baby at a young age eliminates so many opportunities before a girl even knows what they are. Putting the baby up for adoption leaves a big question mark in your life forever. Terminating the pregnancy can lead to a sense of loss and guilt for the rest of your life too.

Our girls need to be smart enough and confident enough to take care of the mental and physical health. We need to give them the tools, confidence and courage to make responsible choices on their own when we aren't there to tell them what to do or when they are feeling pressured.

Good luck!

NOTHING! Why on God green earth would anyone want to tell a child about abortion?!?!?!

Okay, sorry for the emotional response, but I definitely agree that abortion has become TOO okay. I feel that the right is being abused very severely. Of course, this is a very charged issue, so I'm sure you'll get LOTS of responses.

As for talking to your 12yo daughter about it, I truly don't have any advice. My children are younger and are both boys, so this issue hasn't come up for us and hopefully it won't for a LONG time.

I just wanted to let you know that your feelings about this topic resonate with me as well and you're not alone. Remember that when you're reading through all of the militant "pro-planned parenthood" responses you're bound to get.

Best of luck to you in navigating this tricky topic with your daughter.

I think I would tell her some of the reasons women have abortions, i mean she knows why but discuss different circumstances and how you personally feel about it and I would also tell her that many women who have abortions feel horribly traumatized over the experience. Use it as a time to talk about alternatives (adoption) and of course safe sex and disease protection. Keep in mind she may some day find she is the only support for a friend in that position, and she may need to help that friend find a safe place (safe from trying to abort at home). I would want my daughter to know that if we're going to preach against abortion we must also help those in need, babies who are crack addicted and HIV positive are not in high demands for adoption so what happens to them? How can we help young mothers who have trouble feeding their children after paying rent? In other words teach her your morals which prob. include compassion and charity.
This is not a subject we WANT to talk to our daughters about but any opportunity to advertise postponing sex, and safe sex and reinforce you can come tome and talk about anything . I think a teen would be less likely to have an abortion if she felt she would have her parents support despite her mistake. Wow! I need to go talk to my daughter..

I would for sure talk about it little by little, as the need/occasion arises. I would for sure explain that it is an option that the world throws out and people sometimes choose but that it comes with heavy consequences - I have a couple friends who have been scarred for life with having had an abortion. It is terminating a human life, whatever terminology you choose. This baby doesn't get to live. And the woman/girl has to live with that the rest of her life. It can also have a negative health impact on the woman's body (even death for some). It is an option, as is adoption, keeping the child, all of those are hard choices to consider - the easiest one is to NOT put yourself in that situation, to wait until you're truly ready.

Your child needs to know your values, especially now that they've been seasoned with your life experiences & maternal wisdom, and that needs to be passed on to the younger generation. You are right in that the world today tries to devalue life and family and morality, and this is indeed dangerous. Dangerous to individuals and society both.

The reason I say to talk about it little by little is so that you dont give them more than they need/are able to understand. An analogy - my mom said I found some pads when I was a wee child. I asked her what they were and do you think my mom launched into an explanation of how women bleed each month etc? She just simply said it's like a big bandaid. And I was satisfied. (I'm sure my mom breathed a sigh of relief that I didn't ask for more, I know I would've!)

I love the rocket ship analogy. We have the choice as to whether to go on the rocket trip, get in the rocket, buckle down, and count down. Once it;s blasted off, changing your mind is a little late, the choice has already been made. It becomes a matter of life & death. It is not birth control. It is not a simple option to be easily decided on. It is a huge and heavy decision to make.

You dont say why this question was raised, if you are just preparing (kudos to you for this!) or if your daughter has been hearing/asking about it. 12 year old is not too young to bring it up, keeping it general and only getting to the level she needs/is ready for. I can see my 8 year old son asking what an abortion means and of course I would explain it to him in a little more general way than to a 12 yr old daughter or a 17 yr old son, etc. Ask her what she knows, what she thinks, and share your thoughts and feelings as you fill in what she doesnt know/understand or is incorrect on.

I think it's important to emphasize that it is the woman's choice, not the choice of their male partner. I have an acquaintance who is a counselor at Planned Parenthood, in which many cases she has helped women make their decisions solely based on their thoughts and needs. Many women are pressured to have an abortion by their male partners, so those cases, it is not the woman's choice, is it? Women do not need to feel shamed about choosing to have an abortion, but they should not be shamed about not having one either.

Thank you for posting this question. I look forward to reading responses so that I may use some of the mama wisdom when breaching this topic with my children.

Updated

Thank you for posting this question. I look forward to reading responses so that I may use some of the mama wisdom when breaching this topic with my children.

You know, I don't recall ever NOT knowing about what abortion is. I was going to Pro-Life rallies with my mother and praying in front of clinics from the time I was very young and intend to bring my own young children as well.

Children are MUCH more capable of handling and processing difficult and gruesome issues than we give them credit for. I am a licensed Social Studies teacher, and I have never heard any suggestions that we shy away from discussing such disgusting events like The Holocaust, even though they evoke very strong emotions. We show the children photos of mass graves, gaunt death camp prisoners, the crematoriums, etc., without batting an eye, yet we are so afraid to discuss abortion with them. Why? Are they not both the taking of human life?

I'm 11 wks pg with baby #3, and my oldest son who is 3 KNOWS that there is a baby growing in my stomach, and that this baby will be his brother or sister. I think it is intellectually dishonest to NOT have the conversation with our children. I think 12 is plenty old enough to have an IN-DEPTH conversation about it. I really like what Adansmama said about emphasizing that some girls feel like they have no choices and emphasize that your family will never make their child feel like they have to have an abortion if a daughter finds herself in that situation.