Teenage Son Is Too Quiet, and Has No Passion for life...I'm Worried

I would talk to a professional . My daughter was always shy but had a few friends. Now that she has started college it has been horrible for her. She's unable to make friends and has been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. She was recently hospitalized because of side effects caused by social anxiety. I wish someone would have told us she needed help we thought as long as she had a few friends and seemed happy everything was ok. Well we were wrong and everyday I am afraid my daughter will not be able to make it through this. I am not trying to scare you and I just to do not want to see another child or family go through what we are going through. Best of luck to your family.

S., wow. I think your mommy instincts are right on. This is not normal behavior. "Quiet" is ok. . . sitting around staring at walls is not. Sounds like your son is depressed. No matter what he says, I would take him to a therapist immediately. Actually, I would start with your family doctor who can get him on meds. You say that you don't want him on meds but it could be a lifesaver for him. The first step is to figure out what is wrong, which is probably going to be tough since he won't want to talk about it. In my experience with my brother, he had alot of these symptoms. He also rarely got angry or outwrdly upset but inside he was literally seething with anger. His life has been basically destroyed by the anger he was carrying around. He's also an alcoholic - I'm sure he started drinking to self medicate. Run, don't walk, to the doctor and get him some help.

I didn't read all the responses, but it looks like you got a lot of good advise. But I think you should definitely look in to neurofeedback. My son has ADHD (not physically hyper either) and was already showing signs of depression at age 5. Neurofeedback works as well or better than medication, but it's permanent and NO DRUGS. It's expensive (insurance doesn't cover it,) but well worth it in my opinion. It has an 80-85% success rate and it's safe. My son is currently about 2/3 of the way through his treatments and the changes in him are incredible! He's much calmer (no tantrums) and more aware of what's going on around him. It's like it's clearing all the excess "noise" out of his head so he can function and concentrate. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but I've talked to many people who have gone through this treatment or whose kids have gone through this treatment and the changes are best described as "subtle but significant." I have seen tears (of joy) come to parents eyes as they have described the difference neurofeedback has made in their kids' lives. It's amazing! My MIL even went through this treatment for depression and it helped her a lot. I only wish this had been available for me when I was a teen...I imagine my teenage years would have been very different.

My kids are much younger, but I've had my fair share of issues with depression over the years.

My first instinct is to see if you can get him to open-up to you. He could be shy, and it's good that he has a few friends at school. I wish I had one of those personalities where I'm perfectly fine being by myself - some people do, and he may be one of them.

It can't hurt to see if you, his father, his sister can have a conversation and see if he opens-up. I agree that finding something he is passionate about could be key. As I understood, ADD/ADHD were disorders in which the person was understimulated and need more stimulation whereas Autism is overstimulation thus withdrawal. It sounds like he's more on the side of withdrawal, so I wonder if there really is ADD - have you considered another opinion?

If he is depressed, please do research before letting him start a medication for it. Ask your doctor, a pharmacist, etc. The FDA has recently added Black Box warnings to many depression medications for the risk of suicide in teenagers - not that these medications are bad, but you need to be aware of the risks going into using them.

Good luck. Please keep us updated on his progress and what you learn.

My son was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 years ago and I did not use medication and will not. He is not hyper at all but does have a few little ticks to deal with but overall he sounds just like your son. I try to get him to exercise as much as possible. Exercise helps depression. Maybe just take the dog for a long walk. He is interested in lifting weights. A lot of fruits and vegetables accompanied by whole wheat helps. Oddly enough, my adult friend had ADD and the dr. told her that a cup of coffee a day is what she needs. I tried this with my son and he seems to focus better and has more zest for life. He is ever working on homework right now and that is a huge feat for us.

ADD and depression are linked. As a mom of a teen and 21yo, as well as a teacher, I would also be a little concerned with the behaviors you are describing. Maybe you could draw him into a conversation about his future plans. Take him to a few college campuses and see if he'll click "on". Show him the gammut of possibilities. Help him find SOMETHING he's passionate about. Does he draw? Is he into music? How about culinary arts? Is there anything that he can get excited about? Focus there. It wouldn't hurt to have the school screen him for GT... you might be suprised. See if he'll journal. If he is depressed he may need an outlet for his thoughts. Is he involved in a Youth group? His Youth Pastor might be able to connect with him.

I would talk to his doctor. It sounds like a more in-depth diagnosis is in order, which is usually done by a psychiatrist who specializes in working with kids. It could be depression, it could be something else (the first thing that comes to mind is high functioning autism/aspergers - I have a cousin who was originally diagnosed with ADD but also very withdrawn; just in the past few years have they found out it is actually mild aspergers and are able to work with him better). It could just be part of the ADD. But I would get more assessments just to be sure.

My son just turned 17 and has some of the same actions as far as scraping by and no friends over. I think some or part of that ( aside from the ADD) is just his teenage emotions,level of maturity and hasnt learned how to communicate and open up and is probably pushing on his borderline ADD. My son learns by repetition and then finally it clicks. He will sit in his room all day and do nothing if I let him. Keep encouraging him most of all. Ask him if he wants to come sit on the couch with you and watch a movie or help you start dinner, maybe he can season the meat? My son is always more interest in the dinner part if its one of his favorite meals that one day he will want to cook for himself. Do something simple but out of the ordinary like checking him out for lunch or take him lunch and drop it off. My son loves to feel special like he has something that no one else gets that day. I see it on his face the "no enthusiasm" or it may be depression? coming on him and I try to combat it with enthusiasm and perkiness so far I think it helps, but at least I get a response which is more than I had before, right? Make sure to ask specific questions about school like favorite classes or what did you eat for lunch, try to remember his friends or teachers names and ask questions about them. Let him know you're interested. He might not give you much info at first but keep it up and hopefully he'll start to respond.

My 8 year old son has ADHD. They explained it to us as his brain being hyperactive, not his body-which makes total sense because I didn't see where they got the hyperactive party of his Dx.
He was in therapy for several months after his diagnosis, mostly for all of us to learn coping skills. Lists are our friends, timers, ONE (I give him 1 thing to do & then "come back & see me", 1 task at a time, I thing to remember at a time), exercise, & research. I can send my son to his room to clean it & come back in an hour & he's just sitting there, or playing. If I make him a list of what to do & tell him he's got X number of minutes to do it, he can knock it out no problem. He's been diagnosed for about 3 years & since he's still somewhat learning school-how to prioritize, self-discipline, keeping on task w/homework, we've found it's easier when WE do his homework, rather than he. He has to write 20 spelling words in sentences & that's too much for him to even think about. If he writes every other sentence & dictates the other ones to me to write, he can complete the sentences. My nieghbor's boys are 12 & 14 & have voice recognition software on their computer for homework-one son writes it all down & then sorts it to make sense but the other can't start writing until he's got it all in sequence in his head... the software helps them both to "get it out there" so they can process it in writing.
I read a great quote about ADD once. I can't quote it but basically it described an ADD person as trying to hear a mouse squeaking w/a jet engine roaring in their ears-with all the noise in your son's head it's nearly impossible for him to hear the tiny mouse (focus on one thought).
Things we've tried: shelves & baskets (everything goes in a certain basket or on a certain shelf), lists & chore charts (the nurse who diagnosed him suggested 10 mins to accompish each morning chore-dressed, bed made, teeth brushed, breakfast-with 10 mins built in at the end to relax), exercise-studies & my neighbor's personal experience have shown that a tired body worked by exercise can focus better for an ADD kid. My neighbor's hubby is also ADD & self-medicates w/coffee (caffeine=stimulant, which is what' sin most ADD meds) & if he doesn't get enough coffee each day he's a wreck & can't accomplish anything.
If you're concerned, go to the doc. If possible, go by yourself, explain your concerns & schedule another appt for the doc to see your son. I'd ask for a referral to a counselor, psychatrist or psychologist too-explain it to your son not as therapy or something to fix him, your goal is to help him do better in school, develop organization skills & be more outgoing. Counseling/therapy can help you with all of that, w/o him having to lay on a couch blubbering to a stranger about how horrible things are. When we put my 13 YO stepson in counseling I told him this was the one person he could tell all his secrets to, complain about anyone & anything, spill his guts, cry, scream, whatever & that person wouldn't tell anyone-he's not ALLOWED to tell anyone. This was his person, all to himself, that he didn't need to share w/anyone else (we didn't get far enough in counseling before he moved back w/his mom but I suggest that approach-this is HIS person, just for him, to share whatever he chooses with)
Good luck to you!

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Tell him what a great kid he is and how much you love him. Then tell him you want him to be happy and see if he would be open to therapy. Do you research first so that you have a name, etc.. Don't make it sound like a life long commitment. Tell him you would like him to go a few times to talk to someone out of the family. Make it family therapy if you think he would be more receptive.

Is the ADD causing him to not have friends? Is he inappropriate and blurts? What do you think the root cause is? If it IS the ADD then medication may be an answer. I certainly understand you want to avoid "drugs," but you have to weigh things. If he is miserable because of the ADD then it might be best to consider the meds. You really need a good therapist to help you with this.

Your description of your son is a description of myself when I was that age. Shy, quiet, introspection, less than five friends, stays at home quietly by himself, ADD, excessively mellow, almost never angers, smart but doesn’t show it in school, No drive.

There is no need to worry, and please if you love you son, do not treat him like a patient, and drug him up. You will hurt him in the long run. It will only re enforce the notion that he’s messed up or ‘wrong’. Instead treat him like he’s special, like he’s different in a good way. He probably would understand and not mind being referred to as more-than-average in the amount of thought he has and gives to things. Build on that.

He will probably be fairly quiet and reserved. I still am, and will be for life I think. Some of the other responders were on the mark- find out what his thoughts are, his dreams, and enable those. Find ways to help him work towards the things he thinks about as opposed to just thinking about them in great complexity. Don’t limit him or his ideals, but encourage him.
Allow him independence. Be his mentor and enabler.

If he’s like me when it comes to learning, things don’t always click the first time, it took 2-3 repetitions and then they click. He may have to do things the hard way once or twice, it’s part of the process. Encourage him to focus on his mental skills and learning or thinking about the things he’s into. From there he will learn and teach himself the skills he will need to learn in the future. I learned more on my own in the library before class than I did all day in school.

I’m 25 now, and I’m still quiet, and still reserved. I still have few friends, and don’t get out much, but then again my parents tried to make me ‘normal’ too much and too hard. Don’t push him to just be like everyone else. He will be fine with love and acceptance. Remember: One harsh word is like 20 kind ones. You know how I said it’s hard to learn and it takes a few tries to click? Same goes with your expressions of love and approval.

As for depression: it’s a likely hood too. I was seriously depressed for many years, starting at about 11-12 years old and I felt lonely and sad a lot. But forcing him to be around people and trying to cheer him up with false cheer and corny jokes can hurt him too.

Don’t just try and force him out of his shell. My father tried to force me out of my room and to do things, even cutting the internet cable on a regular basis. He was trying to help, but it just removed the few ways I did know how to interact with people, and cope with my depression. If he is depressed, it can take a lot to get him out of it, and keep him out.

Depression is a lack of hope. Hope is the thought that your dream can happen. Any set back that hurts his dreams and/or hope can lead to a serious relapse in depression (it does for me). He needs hope and dreams. If he has hope and dreams, and you help him understand and work towards achieving those dreams, he will feel more hopeful and empowered. That will likely allow him to conquer his depression for the most part.

It’s hard to feel so lonely and not understand it. For him just listening and observing others from the sidelines may help a lot, he doesn’t have to be active in the conversations, just present. (I found this very therapeutic myself.) Allow him to just sit in the room with you, without poking or prodding him too much. Watch TV together or read together, just be in the same room without any expectations from him socially. (And don’t force this just foster it.) Put a computer in the living room, and let him play games with head phones or search online while being able to watch the family doing whatever. (While the family watches TV or folds clothes.) He won’t feel abjectly alone, and won’t feel as pressured to withdraw as most social setting would. He may not interact much, but give him time to get more comfortable, and observe.

He probably thinks about a lot of things, and is very smart, but feels disempowered to some degree. Help him find his personal power. He may find some sort of craft or trade interesting, and you could help him find a way to learn that. (Someone that thinks quietly that much may have some odd choices, so you would need to find out from him what would be interesting to him.) Talk to him in depth (like you would an educated and intelligent adult) about how he could become empowered and healthier by exploring some sport or physical exercise. It will help him feel empowered and healthy, and really made a difference for me. He will feel more confident and outgoing if he finds his power and understands it. Shyness may be a great barrier, so try finding some way to take it in steps would be great.

I hope this helps you and him, as I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I did.

Updated

Your description of your son is a description of myself when I was that age. Shy, quiet, introspection, less than five friends, stays at home quietly by himself, ADD, excessively mellow, almost never angers, smart but doesn’t show it in school, No drive.

There is no need to worry, and please if you love you son, do not treat him like a patient, and drug him up. You will hurt him in the long run. It will only re enforce the notion that he’s messed up or ‘wrong’. Instead treat him like he’s special, like he’s different in a good way. He probably would understand and not mind being referred to as more-than-average in the amount of thought he has and gives to things. Build on that.

He will probably be fairly quiet and reserved. I still am, and will be for life I think. Some of the other responders were on the mark- find out what his thoughts are, his dreams, and enable those. Find ways to help him work towards the things he thinks about as opposed to just thinking about them in great complexity. Don’t limit him or his ideals, but encourage him.
Allow him independence. Be his mentor and enabler.

If he’s like me when it comes to learning, things don’t always click the first time, it took 2-3 repetitions and then they click. He may have to do things the hard way once or twice, it’s part of the process. Encourage him to focus on his mental skills and learning or thinking about the things he’s into. From there he will learn and teach himself the skills he will need to learn in the future. I learned more on my own in the library before class than I did all day in school.

I’m 25 now, and I’m still quiet, and still reserved. I still have few friends, and don’t get out much, but then again my parents tried to make me ‘normal’ too much and too hard. Don’t push him to just be like everyone else. He will be fine with love and acceptance. Remember: One harsh word is like 20 kind ones. You know how I said it’s hard to learn and it takes a few tries to click? Same goes with your expressions of love and approval.
As for depression: it’s a likely hood too. I was seriously depressed for many years, starting at about 11-12 years old and I felt lonely and sad a lot. But forcing him to be around people and trying to cheer him up with false cheer and corny jokes can hurt him too.

Don’t just try and force him out of his shell. My father tried to force me out of my room and to do things, even cutting the internet cable on a regular basis. He was trying to help, but it just removed the few ways I did know how to interact with people, and cope with my depression. If he is depressed, it can take a lot to get him out of it, and keep him out.
Depression is a lack of hope. Hope is the thought that your dream can happen. Any set back that hurts his dreams and/or hope can lead to a serious relapse in depression (it does for me). He needs hope and dreams. If he has hope and dreams, and you help him understand and work towards achieving those dreams, he will feel more hopeful and empowered. That will likely allow him to conquer his depression for the most part.

It’s hard to feel so lonely and not understand it. For him just listening and observing others from the sidelines may help a lot, he doesn’t have to be active in the conversations, just present. (I found this very therapeutic myself.) Allow him to just sit in the room with you, without poking or prodding him too much. Watch TV together or read together, just be in the same room without any expectations from him socially. (And don’t force this just foster it.) Put a computer in the living room, and let him play games with head phones or search online while being able to watch the family doing whatever. (While the family watches TV or folds clothes.) He won’t feel abjectly alone, and won’t feel as pressured to withdraw as most social setting would. He may not interact much, but give him time to get more comfortable, and observe.

He probably thinks about a lot of things, and is very smart, but feels disempowered to some degree. Help him find his personal power. He may find some sort of craft or trade interesting, and you could help him find a way to learn that. (Someone that thinks quietly that much may have some odd choices, so you would need to find out from him what would be interesting to him.) Talk to him in depth (like you would an educated and intelligent adult) about how he could become empowered and healthier by exploring some sport or physical exercise. It will help him feel empowered and healthy, and really made a difference for me. He will feel more confident and outgoing if he finds his power and understands it. Shyness may be a great barrier, so try finding some way to take it in steps would be great.

I hope this helps you and him, as I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I did.