Teenage Daughters

I am not a mother of a teen, but it wasn't too long ago that I was in your daughters' shoes. Looking back, I think these things would have helped me:

1) consistant family time doing sometihing everyone can find joy in- no work, no school, no TV
2) family prayer, even if the teen choses not to say anything.
3) a parents' appology when warrented, such as losing your temper.
4) allow the teen to fail some
5) volunteer with those less fortunate, especially the elderly
6) Let the teen be involved in making rules, increasing responsibilies, and facing consequesnces of their actions (whether +/-)

Teenagers WILL NOT cooperate with demands simply because of a sense of obligation. True obedience is the outworking of a principle within, so threats and bribery will only make things worse. They must change their heart to learn the joys of obedience.

You probably know most of this already, but these are my thoughts for what they are worth....

Easier said than done, I know. That is why as parents (of all ages) we must PRAY PRAY PRAY!!!

All the best, Liz

C., I think what you've done is great. I hope it continues to work for you!!

I have a 14 year old daughter. When she was 12.5 years old, her and I were constantly fighting... boy, was I worn out. However, a few months later, she got her period for the first time. Then things calmed down... phew... what a relief.

Has she had her period? Right before, it's like they are "collecting" an excess of hormones and it just builds and builds and builds... and they have no idea what is going on or what to do... then it happens and it's like all their hormones are released and then there's calm waters...

Also, teenaged girls like to have their space... and their independence. What you need to do is let her think you've given her space and independence and just "hover" silently... then when you're concerned about something, you try to get her to open up and talk to you... just like a husband needs to be trained so does a teenaged daughter... let them believe they are in control without them being in control... LOL!! does that make sense???

Good luck!!

Hi C.,

I don't know if I have any solid advice for you. I have 2 teen daugthers (one is 17 and the other is soon to be 16). I have not run into any problems with them. We have our little quirks now and then, but overall it has been great. I notice that you homeschool (so do we). My husband has always been gone a lot too, leaving me to handle the day to day business of raising the kids. Have you homeschooled for a while or is this something fairly new? Are there any changes going on that she may be having trouble adapting to? It sounds like something is bothering your daughter and she isn't able to communicate what it is exactly.

I wish I had better answers for you. Without knowing too much about your situation, it is tough. Each child is also unique so what works for some families may not work for others. Hang in there.

M.

C.,
I have two teen girls and it's hard. Sometimes they love me and sometimes they don't. Maybe since you home school she sees too much of you. Your husband travels so he gets to be missed.

Develop your life, outside of hers... go out with your friends, shop for yourself, make dinner for you and your girlfriends at your place (make your daughter dinner before your friends get there, you need "you" time) and be happy with yourself. Then either things will be the same but you'll be happier or you'll be happier and she'll start to appreciate you! You win either way.

I like what the mom said about let her think she's in control without actually being in control. I am a mother to preschoolers, but I work with our church youth group and I am (surprisingly) noticing a lot of parallels between the two groups. They are struggling for independence and decision-making control, and they want firm but loving boundaries to make them feel secure. It can be a delicate balance when you throw teen hormones into the mix, but let them have some (appropriate) choices now, while the cost of their mistakes are affordable. Teens want to be separate from their parents and that is something that's pretty hard to get with homeschooling, unless you're part of a co-op of some sort. Best parenting book I've ever come across is called Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. They have a website: www.loveandlogic.com. They also have a book called "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" that you might find helpful.

C.,

I know how you feel! i have a 13 yo daughter as well and we are always fighting...she is constantly trying to mother my 8 yo son (who is autistic)...she jumps on him whenever he does something she doesnt like even when i am in the room...i tell her to let me discipline him but it doesnt work...she says that i treat him differently (which i guess i do, but i have to because of his condition), and that i expect too much from her...i do expect a lot but then, being a single mother, i need to be able to depend on her for help...it may not be fair but that is just the way it is...i had to do the same thing when i was a child (my mom's situation is parallel to mine exactly, except for the autism)...i took on a lot of responsibility when i was young, including watching, feeding, cleaning up after my own brother...my mom worked long hard hours at work to support us...is it too much for me to expect my daughter to do a little to help out? i wish there was a solution that i could find...i will watch this thread to see if anyone has any good suggestions for either of us...and i will wish you good luck...:)

M. c