Teen Daughter Is Clingy

you sound like a normal mom. is this something new? She might be afraid of having to share you with someone else. Either way, i would start telling her that she's old enough to be alone at home after school and when you're on dates. If this bothers her, tell her to invite friends over.

I read this the other day and just last night during a lecture for my master in counseling pharmacology course the professor mentioned something that I felt I should pass along. She was speaking about a girl who would get very upset every time her mother would leave her and have the same behaviors each time, wanting to call her mom, keep her in her sight, etc. She talked about her struggle to find the diagnosis, but checked in the DSM and found Adolescent Seperation Anxiety which defined all of the same behaviors. Sometimes just knowing what the issue relates to, it helps to find answers as to how to approach it. This has to do with fears of abandonment and insecurities the adolescent has, so they seek to keep the parent within their sight, but as you mentioned, can be unhealthy for social development and building her own confidence and self-esteem. I'm not sure what would be suggested, but possibly you could google the topic and see what other parents or counselors might suggest to help the transition go smoothly for yourself and your daughter's healthy balance in your relationship and in other relationships you'd like to pursue...?

It's okay to want some adult time, don't feel bad for that at all. What you didn't say was if she has always been like this, or if it started recently? It sounds like she is very insecure with herself and with you being her only constant, she doesn't know how to pull away from you to create other relationships. Do you have her in any sports or other activities where she can create other relationships and be away from you for a bit? If you go to church, they also have youth groups she can get involved in and local rec centers have lots of teen activities. Try to find things she can do away from you, and encourage her to make some friends and go out and do things without letting her know you don't want to hang out with her so much. Somehow you have to help her get rid of her insecurities. Let me know how it goes!

L.,

Your daughter is clingy because she is insecure. You are her family. She doesn't have a father in your home and you made no mention of other siblings. You, as a single mother, have to work full time, so you are not home for 40 hours each week. She needs your time and attention and is not getting it. The clinginess manifests that.

You asked if you are being selfish in insisting on dating and "adult" time at this point in her life. Yes. You are being selfish by insisting on dating at this point in your collective lives and by insisting on "adult" time" that does not include her. At age 14, she is beginning to mature but is still very much a child, and needs your undivided time, love, and attention. As her only functioning parent, your first responsiblity is to her, not to some "honey" or circle of friends. I suggest waiting until she is a bit more mature, (age 18, approx), to worry about your social life and. instead, spend your non-work time providing a quality family life for her.

One of principles involved here is that by fulfilling her needs first, ahead of yours, you will actually be doing the best thing for both of you.

You probably think I am being judgmental. I probably am. Neverthleless, be aware that I am a single mother of a wonderful 26-year-old man and did exactly what I just told you to do. I didn't start dating until my son was a second semester senior in high school (e.g., when he turned 18). (Then the same rules appled to me on dating, curfew, physical relationships, etc. as applied to him, by the way.)I spent my non-work, non-chore time doing things with him. I did not date - at all. That was too destructive to our family unit. One of the things that we did was to plan a major and a minor activity each month in addition to regular talking and doing stuff together. Major activities were defined as camping trips, mountain bike expeditions, backpacking trips, etc., that took half a day or more. Minor activities were defined as movies and such that took three hours or less. (Obviously, specific activities for your daughter would be different and would depend upon what SHE wants to do, not necessarily what YOU want to do.) We didn't have a lot of material wealth, I didn't have a social life, and sometimes we had a messy house. What we did have and still do have is a FANTASTIC relationship! (Note: Neither of us can recall more than about four major contentions/disagreements from the time he was 12 to the present time. And, that is a mouthful for raising a teen-age boy.)

In short, give her the time and attention that she so obviously needs and craves rather than giving her the crumbs of what is left over after your work and self-centered pursuits, and (a) your relationship will improve, and (b) she will probably become less "clingy."

Just another principle to remember: What goes around comes around. Treat her with the same level of courtesy and respect that you want, and you will be amazed at the positive results that follow.

L.,
I have started reading the 5 Love Languages and there is an entire section on children. It sounds like your daughters languages are Quality time and Touch. I would recommend focusing on her making sure her Love tank is filled by you in the right ways because if it isn't she may look for something more from the wrong person. I am very much like her I love holding my mom's hand and still do and I am 27 years old. It sounds like you are together alot but is that time quality or just quantity. Really try to focus on her when you are together and maybe she will be more ok with you hanging out with other people sometimes too. I also would suggest reading the book it has alot of really good information about children not just adults.

This may sound crazy, but maybe she is reading into your frustration or that you are coming off aloof and thinks that YOU need HER and she needs clarification. My mom was single a good deal of the time I was growing up and I often worried about her needlessly and sometimes felt like more of a partner or a friend than a daughter when there was not a male figure present. I also became more aware and scared as a teenager of how vulnerable women are and looked back on some previous experiences my mom went through when I was young and thus worried about her more (a guy from the gym stalking her, her closing her 2nd story window on an intruder's hand - I didn't realize what really happened until I was older). I could NEVER sleep at mom's at night and I have to wonder if your daughter gets creeped out or feels unsafe in the evenings like I did because there awas not a man in the house. I grew up to be normal and independent, but at that age, lacking the security I felt at my father's (in part due to the aforementioned incidents), I would turn on all the lights and sit by the front door if I stayed alone at my mom's.

I think the fact that you won't tell her who you are talking to her is just making her more insecure, although I know she doesn't have the right to always know, but maybe if you try opening up to her she will realize that you have your own life and she won't be intimidated by that fact so long as everything is out in the open and honest, and not feel like you are hiding things or boyfriends from her. She is not so young that she needs to be protected but is at an age where she can begin to appreciate the other things you want to have in your life.
I agree with the other responses that she may need an activity, but did she used to have some and dropped them? This was about the age where I became severely depressed and it was not obvious to anyone except my best friend who eventually turned me in, as I did great in school and appeared to be functioning at a reasonable level. Show her your concern and ask her if eveything is okay, because again, the other responses may be right that something is wrong and she just hasn't talked about it to you yet. Whatever you do, don't let on that you feel suffocated. The security my father offered during those years was irreplaceable, and although I am sure you are a wonderful mother, if she is doing without that additional parental support, she may need more from you right now.

I wouldn't worry about the teasing thing. I did and still do hold hands with my mom on occasion! I also did with some of my best girl friends at that age and I don't remember anyone really caring, except for a couple of overstimulated, imaginative teenage boys!

I agree on some level with what every one is saying, after school activities are good place to start. But I just want to say that my oldest DD who is almost 16 is somewhat the same way, she won't go somewhere if I am going to be left home alone, and always wants to go with me and do what I am doing, where as my other kids wouldn't even think twice about leaving me alone, I actualy have to tell her to go and usually more then once, she hugs me and kisses me in front of her friends, and during their lunch break if she see's that I am in town (they have off campus and walk over to a friends house) she will come over to where I am at and talk to me, she is reluctant to even leave and go to her friends house with them, so a lot a times I will offer to drive them over so she doesn't feel "guilty" about leaving me. What's funny is know if I just see her friends they will hang out with me, Patience is what is needed, I am not a clingy kinda person and value my space a lot, and having kids at times can be very trying when it comes to my personal space issues, so I know where you are coming from. At 14 she is old enough to walk herself home after school and wait for you to get home, it is going to be hard for in the beginning but I think that would be a good first step to helping her seperate a little from you, try to leave her at home a few hours a night with a friend, she does need to learn a little independence, I feel that is very important for kids, and yes at times it can feel like we are pushing them away from us, but if you do it slowly, and always talk to her, in time she will learn the value of that independence, this time of their lives is where they show us that we can trust them and build our faith (for lack of a better word) in them. I hope it works out, and you guys can find some even ground!

It wont last, she needs you right now, she wont be 14 forever, maybe try counseling through the church? Why not tell her who is on the phone? don't push her away, you risk losing her, she will turn to someone who may not be so good for her, some day, not so far in the future she will be a grown women, off to college and then working, living on her own, married and then she will be a friend, one you wont want to lose out on. My son was like that, I was single and he was a teen, he wanted so much of my time to talk and go places, I loved it but also there were times when he wanted to talk late into the nihgt and I was tired, or had to drop other plans and I had to tell myself to listen and be there, as HS went on he was was home less and less, we had one dinner out a week together, it was our time, after HS he joined the USMC, he has been in for 4 years, he has been to Iraq, he calls me and we are so close, but he has his own life and I see him once a year if that, being in the USMC there are rules they have to follow, 96's only allow them to travel 2 hours from base, and at first I was in NY and he is in CA, it was too far for him to be able to get home to see me,I miss him more than I could say with words, talk to your daughter, see what you can do for her to make her feel more confident, listen to her hopes and dreams, help calm her fears, make sure she is careful, the world can be a dangerous place or a young girl, but balance that with letting her know that she can go out there and be safe if she is smart, you are the person that will help guide her into the future, I am sorry, I don't think you are selfish at all, but she is your daughter, and you are right, this wont last, and you will miss her, so help her, guide her and she will make her own way and you will be so proud and in the end, like I said, she will become more than your daughter, she will be your best friend, I hope this helps, and last, a daughter is a blessing, so many women can't have children and will never know the joy you have been blessed with.

Love, C.

I don't think anyone is going to tease her for holding hands with her mother. They would probably be more envious than anything else. I don't mean to be rude, but I think the problem is with you, not her. She is showing unconditional love for you, and right now, for whatever reason, you are her whole world. I think you are the one who is not the "touchy feely all the time with someone" kind of person. Not saying that is a bad thing, just your personality. I have that kind of personality too. The funny thing is I noticed that when I wanted together time, or touchy feely with someone, it is okay. Not when others did. Not very fair, and I noticed it and try my best not to be like that. Personally, I don't think you should shun her or hurt her feelings. But maybe try to get her involved in something she likes. It will widen her world and quite possibly get her out of yours. Be forwarned though, believe it or not, you will miss her tremendously when the shift takes place.

my mother and i had the same living arrangement as you two when i was young. we were very close, and as i recall i went through a phase just like this. my mother gave me a little nudging to do a few over night type things with friend and a youth group. i was terrifyed but actually had a good time once i was there but this clingy time didn't last forever. it was kind of like one last great big bear hug just before i branched out in my teen years so maybe encourage her to do a few things on her own, but cherish this time too. before you know it her social callendar will probably be too full to squeeze you in at all!

Is she involved in any activities? When I was that age I rode horses and it took every free minute of my time and energy. When I was 15 I got a job to pay for more horse stuff and horse shows. Maybe if she was really interested in something you could capitalize on it and get her involved and independent.

She may be just worried you're going to meet someone and not have time for her anymore so she's making sure that doesn't happen. Or maybe she is scared of something and doesn't want to talk about it. Teenagers are hard, but be grateful that she is so close to you. It will help her talk to you when she needs to. Good Luck!

I think it's normal for moms to want independence no matter the age of their child or no matter their marital status. I'm concerned that your daughter is clingy at age 14. I think you and she need to have a heart to heart talk. She may even need to see a counselor. Talk to her teachers. You should be a good role model for her demonstrating independence. Encourage her to get involved in extra curricular activities, hobbies, etc. to help her discover her own interests and friends. Designate times when you get to do something independently and when she gets to do something independently. But also designate times when you two get to do something together. It sounds like she really needs you right now and you need to be there for her. You are all she has. Can you imagine how she feels knowing you feel the way you do? This is a delicate situation, be conscious and sensitive about how you handle it.

Have you condidered some sort of sexual act has happened to her? I can't recall the exact percent but something like 70% of all girls have been vilorated in some sort of sexual way by the time they are 18.

Good Luck, your right, the affection will end soon enough I would not worry about what people make fun of. It may be the affection she shows in public to her mommy this year but next year they will find something else to make fun of.

~J.

I have to tell you that you are lucky to have a daughter who wants to be with you so much at this age! When I was 14, I was embarrassed that I HAD parents, and I wouldn't have been caught dead with them in public, and I spent about 90% of my time at home in my room. SO, that said, appreciate that she wants to be around you. BUT. I can completely see why you feel suffocated. Does she spend much time with friends? Does she have a hobby? Maybe you could get her involved in something, like a sport, or a club of some kind, or music or art lessons. As a mom, you need time to yourself, and though she doesn't see that, I bet she would enjoy a little time to herself or with peers. I bet things will change drastically in the fall when she starts high school. She will meet new people and have opportunities to try new activities. As far as the hand holding, I wouldn't worry about that. I see women and their teen daughters holding hands all the time, and I find myself hoping that my daughter will want to be that close to me at that age. Even though you need your space, think of how she COULD be (hiding in her room all the time, like I was) and try to appreciate that she loves you best.

You've already been given alot of good advice. I say just love her and give the attention she needs. She'll grow out of it, but right now you'd rather have her get love from you than from someone with bad intentions.

It sounds to me that she needs more of your time. You may be with her but are you "really" with her? What I'm trying to say is that many times parents are with their kids but do not pay attention to them. What they are thinking, feeling. This will lead to her being clingy to you and even needing more attention. Take some time with her...go get a manicure - sit with her and just talk. I think the more she feels secure with you and her - the more time you will find for yourself. It worked with my son and I. I was a single mom for 15 years and went through this with my son. I felt trapped in a way - but then stopped putting my needs first - put his first and everything turned around on it's own. Good luck, but savor these moments - I promise when they are older you will be wishing you had them back.

I would give anything to be in your shoes! I have a 14 yr old daughter and she don't want nothing to do with me. I know it's the age but it does hurt. You shouldn't rush your daughter, she obviously is feeling like she needs her mom. Sometimes we do have to put our lives on hold for our kids, she will be gone before you know it. Talk to her and see if she would like a friend to stay over. My daughter is in club volleyball and softball and even though it is quit expensive I keeps her very active and she makes a lot of friends. Hope this helps.

Hi L., this can be a weird time for kids, especially girls when they're transitioning from "little girl" to "big girl".
You'll want to begin to get a sense of your own boundaries so that you are clear about how to help her with her insecurities. Judging yourself doesn't help either one of you. You have been her sole support system for a while (obviously) & some of your issues have rubbed off on your daughter. That's what every parent goes through so please be good to yourself and find healthy ways to communicate with her and you'll both be better off for it.
Keep BREATHING. Best, J. Sexton www.tag-youre-it.com

Does she have friends? Get her to hang out with kids her age more.

As a former High School teacher, I would say, savor this moment. Any day now, she may have nothing to do with you at all. Alos, she is just looking for love. And ask yourself, would you rather feel smothered or would you rather go find that love (false love) with a boy and get pregnant. There is a high rate of teen pregnancy right now in Longmont and it sounds to me that often it is actually planned on the girl's part. They want the feeling of love they would get as a mom, etc. So I would say, suck it up for a bit. There isn't a guy out there for you that won't wait until you have more time. If your guy is really worth it, he'll wait and understand, or he just isn't worth dating. Your number one priority is to love your daughter, whatever that takes. That said, she is definately old enough for some big talks. Talk about space and limits. Think about these talks as training for when she is an adult on her own. At this point, you are teaching her to survive at age 18 all by herself. Use this as a teachable moment to teacher how to enjoy time allone. Find a time and a class, workout class (pilatyoga at the Rec Center is great), or carfting to do together every week. Make this your time together and make it allllllll about quality. It doesn't have to be long if it is quality. Then schedule a time hen you are both home during the week. Tell her that you are going to both be home but will accomplish different tasks on your own. This way, you are together, but developing her ability to self entertain Maybe help her find a craft to do or learn and bout gardening and go out and do the weeding. Do your own hobby at this time. show her how exciting it is for you to have this time alone for you to do soemthing fun. Lastly, start having family meetings (maybe this is before or after your co-alone time on a sunday afternoon). Have her write down one hapy and one concern and you do the same. then discuss these points and nothing else. Also start discussing your budget and things like that aout running a household. Teach her to balance a check book (even ifyou are using credit card...use a check registry to track spending). All of this is a valuable life skill. You might even learn one task a week like laundry (maybe you even go an learn something new like the best way to get a grass stain out.) Make it fun and interesting for the two of you. then, in two weeks time, you can say: hey, we have had a lot of quality tie and i love it. now, mommy needs to have sometime to be with an adult for a few hours. How about you figure out a friend to go visit as well. Just as it is important that she learns to be a woman from you and develop a friendship with you,she needs to know how important it is for everyone to get out with their peers occassionally. I typed a lot here, but maybe you can take some of the ideas. I grew up with family weekly meeting (no longer then one hour time but usualy only a half hour). It really helped my sister and I learn to manage our lives in college at age 18.

sounds a bit like separation anxiety She may be afraid something is going to happen to you it is quite common with kids of divorce especially where you do not share custody her school counselor might be able to help you or suggest some classes

i did something similar from about 12-13, after my dad died. i just didn't want to be alone and didn't enjoy doing things by myself nearly as much as with others. we hadn't been living in our home very long and i had some friends at school, but they all had known eachother so much longer that it took a while before i felt like i fit in or like i was valuable to them. so my mom was my friend. i know she got annoyed with it too. we would go for walks together and i always had to either link arms with her or hold her hand. that made it harder to walk at a quick pace for exercise, but she tolerated it. there's nothing wrong with hiring a babysitter for a 14 yr old. you need to be able to go out on your own. another thing that kept me busy on the weekends was being a babysitter myself. i babysat one family almost every friday for years because the parents had weekly dates. that gave me some constancy and expanded my social/emotional network. even today i consider the mother of that family an important mentor and i'm in touch with her and the oldest daughter (now in college). on occasion my mom would also allow me to have friends sleep over without her being home (if of course the other parents were fine with it). that was the best for me because i had someone my own age to play and bond with and that's what i really needed. and sometimes i just sat in the living room with the tv on until my mom came home, scared at every noise and checking the locks several times, but i survived! i really think she's probably clinging to you because she doesn't have someone else to fill that social/emotional need yet. it doesn't last forever. eventually i had enough friends to fill my need and everything my mom did annoyed me!

Hi L.,
You do need your own space. Make plans for you but don't leave your (still little) girl home alone. Find her a friend, neighbor, family member to hang out with when you are gone. It sounds like you could both benefit from the time apart now and then.
Good luck to you,
B.

Wow. Looks like you got a lot of interesting/good advice.
Here is my two cents. I wouldn't worry about the other kids. I always thought it was cool and still do when a mother and daughter are close. I do think she is afraid of abandonment and/or thinks you need her. My mother did need me to be her "rock" as we were growing up. AT 28 after my divorce I finally spread my wings...then guess what, my mom did too. Of course yours is a bit different and you want it now and she is not ready. 14 is such a tough age. I think she really needs you. It is ok to find sometime for yourself too. I hated being by myself at that age but, I was a great babysitter. I think her having a friend with her or going to a friend's house. She needs to be your priority (for a few more years) and reassured if a man comes into your life you won't dump her (like so many women do to their friends). Find ways to reassure her and getting her involved with things to give you time to yourself. good luck...this does sound like a tough one. I do admire that you have done it all on your own all these years. Honestly I cannot imagine.

I do not have teenage children so I am speaking from my own experience when I was a teenager. Sounds like she feels, somewhere inside whether she knows it or not, like she doesn't get enough truly focused attention, ONLY on her, for her needs, or that she has a fear of abandonment.

As far as her holding your hand in public, just don't even worry about it. She is her own person no matter what age she is and will learn as life goes on. I wouldn't have even warned her. If she finds out on her own that kids tease her, she can make up her own mind whether or not she wants to continue holding your hand. She may be SO aware of her love for you that teasing doesn't matter to her. If it doesn't matter, it won't be a hardship.

As far as getting some alone time, do you have any relatives that live near that you would like her to spend time with? Make a special 'date' just for her with this person and you can go do your own thing.

? Again, just remembering my own experiences, hope it helps.
K. age 27.

I teach middle school and have a lot of experience with 14 year old girls. What does she do with her time? Is she on a sports team, does she attend a church group? Does she have dance or music lessons? How about friends? Volenteer work? Babysitting?
It seems from what you have said that both of you are very socially isolated. Get her involved in some extra curriculars that are socail. Drama and Choir are good ones for that. Help her get a social life and I'll bet you will get one too!

Hi-- You might appreicate the book "Hold on to Your Kids" by Gordon Neufeld. It's available in paperback and is really interesting in its discussion of how chilren become "peer-oriented" and come to value he insights of their friends dangerously mroe than their relationships with parents and other trusted adults. It's not at all the same old parenting book, and I loved it. (If the start is dry to you, skim through it and get to the next part--it picks up after the first couple chapters of background.)It also talks about healthy attachments and how important it is to develop healthy attachment relationships with your children so they can grow up emotionally stable and secure. I really think this book would give you insight into lots of your daughter's behaviors, and it would validate a lot of your intuitive mothering and maybe even help alleviate some concerns. It changed the whoelway I look at my kids and their behavior.

That said, maybe some sort of scheduling calendar-planning time with your daughter would be helpful? Maybe if she had a couple activities she could be involved in, perhaps even with a friend whose family you trust to trade off the drop-off and pick-up duties, it would help her feel happily busy with a world beyond you.
My children are much younger, but I think everyone likes to know what's coming. It's not selfish at all of you to need some grown-up time, but if she knew, say, Thursday evenings were the nights she gets to watch a rented movie or play at a friend's house or something while you do your thing, but Tuesday evenings were your special mom-daughter dinner-date night, perhaps some of the clinginess would fade just for being reassurred that completely devoted time is coming her way, guaranteed.
I wonder if she is feeling rushed or is too often in big groups without individual attention? Maybe she is craving some slow-paced attention that she doesn't have to fight for against other distractions. Just a thought. Hang in there!

Without actually knowing you or your daughter - maybe the divorce hit her harder than first thought. Maybe she actually fears losing you as well. I have a fifteen year old with an anxiety disorder - altho - very independent - her anxiety comes from different areas than your daughter's seems to. While you have been and are ready to move on with your life - she may be feeling that when you do that - she will then not be a part of your life. I know from experience that children process life changing experiences a lot different than adults do. I am not a therapist or anything. But maybe she needs to talk to someone to help her work through these feelings that she is having. As far as the clingy part - seems to me that is just a symptom. Oh -one last thing - our children grow up way to fast - even tho they can be exasperating at times - once they are grown we can NEVER get them back to those wonderful years. It's part of the plan - I know - but I have mourned each and every one of my childen that have grown and left the nest. I am so grateful I have four left and I love every minute of it. Maybe you could look at your daughter's situation from her point of view and it might help you to understand where she might be coming from and get a better idea as to why. Good luck . Debbie

Hi L.,

She sounds like she's afraid of losing you. Talk to her about why she is so clingy. I would try getting her involved in some other activities, sports, art programs, drama, there are so many things for kids during the summer months. It would also expand her circle of friends giving the opportunity for sleep overs at friends or at your place but still giving you some space. I don't blame her for not wanting to spend the night alone. I wouldn't when I was her age unless one of my brothers or friends stayed overnight.

Also a cat or dog would give her someone else to put her attentions toward. I am a 43 year old single mom and wouldn't live without a dog partially because of the safety factor, I have a golden retriever that makes a lot of noise if someone tries to come in the house at night (has happened and was stopped by the dog.)

I wouldn't worry about her holding your hand, that is much more accepted with girls and I applaud her for saying she doesn't feel affected by peer pressures of how she should behave.

You are right that this won't last forever. Enjoy her attentions now, find other activities and have fun.

SarahMM

Sounds like there is more to the story. You've been divorced for 12 years, does she have a relationship with her dad? What is going on there? Any negativity? Threats of custody dispute? Has one of her friends or even a kid at school been party to a custody dispute or attempt to remove them from their parent's home? Have you ever threatened to send her to live with someone else?

What relationships have you had up to this point? Your living arrangements have changed recently, what percipitated this? Was it related to a relationship? Have you gotten out and done things with freinds, male or female, previously? What changed? Or have you two just been isolated and now you are wanting change and she is resisting? Has she been able to and encouraged to develop outside interests? Sports? Scouting? School clubs? Freinds?

You take her to work with you, how long has that been going on? Nothing wrong with it but if you have been carrying her around in your pocket, so to speak, for years you can't expect her to suddenly grow up - you haven't taught her how to act on her own. You job as a parent isn't just to love, nurture, feed and clothe. Your job is to get your child to adulthood as a fully functional, reasoning, competent individual. You can't do that by babying her and then just shoving her out into the world, it is a gradual process of teaching values, how to consider and examine options and make choices and then gradually allowing her to make more and more of her own choices. Have you clung and kept her a baby in the past and now you are wanting more breathing room? You need to be very honest with yourself and with her about what has happened and what needs to happen and why. Lots of honest talking and sharing and develop a plan to help both of you achieve some separation without anger or fear. A counselor may be a help with this if you can find a competent one. Good Luck. Handled right, in the long run this will be good for both of you.