My 6 yo daughter is so attached to me and it is starting to cause problems at school. She does not like for me to leave her at all!! No matter who she is staying with. She went to my moms last weekend to spend the night. She was gone about 2 hours and then called to say that she didnt feel good and wanted to come home. When se got home she seemed ok and said that she missed me. She is close to my mom and we spend lots of time over there. At least once a week at school she tells me that she cried most of the day because she missed me. I feel awful for her! This week, she missed Monday and Tuesday at school because she has been very sick. Today she goes back and I get a call at 1:00 that she feels bad and is crying to come home. I went to get her and other than I headache, I think she is ok. (Just missed mom) I usually can get her to admit if something is really wrong or if she just wants me and most of the time its me!
We considered home school before she started this year (for other reasons) but decided to try out our local public school. Now I am starting to rethink that decision. I dont want her miserable all day at school. Her attention is focused on missing me and not on school work. That being said, she is very bright and has good grades. This is not actually affecting her work. Just mentally. Im at a loss! I want her to be happy even when Im not around. If she is going to be apart from me she seems to worry the whole time. Like she is insecure but has no reason to be. She has been with me from the beginning. I worked about 1-1/2 years since she has been born. Other than that we are always together! Sorry for the rambling, but Im trying to cover it all. Any suggestions or advice are greatly appreciated! Thanks moms!
I have an unpopular view. Let her be with you as much as possible. There will be a day when she doesn't want to be with you.
I agree with both Erika and Janet.
I think you are doing your daughter a huge disservice by running to get her every time she misses you. She is not learning to function as an independent person. Every parent wants their child to be happy, but she has to be able to learn how to do that. The only way she can learn these coping skills is if you actually allow her to fully experience that situation. It sounds as if you are not giving her the opportunity to learn how to be happy on her own, but rather you are "rescuing" her out from under these crucial opportunities. She has no desire or incentive to learn how to focus on other sources of positive feelings because she doesn't have to.
At some point, this will damage her ability to form social connections with her peers and will just continue to make her school experience worse. In a worst case scenario, while other little girls have sleepovers or go to camp, she will be isolated at home.
Virtually every child goes through an "I miss mom" phase, but you have to let them. If you truly think that she is that she is being seriously traumatized by your absence (and you say she is fine once she gets home, so it doesn't sound like that), then you need to visit with a pediatric psychiatrist or psychologist to find out if she has clinical issue requiring medication or therapy.
Hi M.,
It's wonderful that your daughter loves you so much that she wants to spend her days with you. But she would do well to get used to the idea that she can function in life without Mom around. That would be the most emotionally healthy goal for her. Your idea of spending the night at Grandma's is a good one. There is no reason why she can't stay there even if she is sick. When she gets home from school, talk to her about her day. Pick up on the friends she speaks about and the fun things her teacher did or said, and talk about how school is an enjoyable place to be. Encourage her to reach out to others at school - the kid no one plays with at recess, etc. This will help her take her focus off of herself and onto others, which is a much healthier attitude.
Not knowing you, I would like to say one more thing - if it doesn't apply then just skip over this. Make sure that you are not relishing the idea that she can't be without you so much that you are unconsciously encouraging her clingy behavior. Sometimes doing the best for your child -tough love- is really hard. Question yourself and make sure your own self esteem is not tied up into the idea she can't be without you.
God bless!
sounds like she knows how to play you to get what she wants. next time, don't let her come home from grandma's (grandma can handle a sick 6 yr old), and let her know that unless she has a fever, she's not coming home from school either. the longer you allow this to continue, the worse it will get.
Treat her school like her job... you have work to do and she has to work to... it's ok to miss you but, you will see her at the end of the day.
I did the same thing when I first went to school and my parents told me that it was my job to go to school and they go to their jobs. We met at home for dinner and everything was ok after a week or 4...
She is trying to make sure you know she loves you and misses you.. it's normal.
J.
I think home school would be the worst thing for your daughter. Since she is having these problems and it is hard on others but we live in society. She had to learn to get along with others. It could be missing her sibling as I was an older child. But there could be reasons she is not happy in school. Counseling they offer at school can maybe help her with some social skills that will help. When she feels this fear coming on deep breaths or something to distract her. She can not live her live with her mom at her side. So she has to learn to live around other people and it is also an advantage to draw information and ideas from others that help us chose and try out different personalities. This process is neccesary to grow and mature. Thinking out of the box able to make choices in friends and feeling a part of groups not single and alone. She will regret it later when she can not make friends or feel an outcast if she then is weaned later into school. We moved from Seattle to New Orleans when my daughter was 11 and she was very outgoing. What happened there was she was an outcast as all those children had formed relationships early on and have been together all their lives. She just did not fit in even with her personality that was strong. I urge you to find away to help her cope instead of enabling her to withdraw. G. W
hard call! i think that home schooling her will not help her to work on her social skills. i think later inlife, she will suffer from not developing those skills now.
Ask your doctor about separation anxiety. She can have it even at 6. I'd say don't force her to be more independent right now. If she needs you, she needs you and she just may not be mature enough to handle being wihtout you.
It could also be Social Anxiety Disorder... but probably not. It reminds me of my daughter who has that. She was very clingy and would complain of tummy aches. She got better with time and later with meds.
It could just be a phase too. But remember she probably will get over being clingy by the time she is a teen so it doesn't last forever!
HEllo M.,
it sounds like your daughter is suffering from some anxiety. It's not so much that she is attached to you but that she sees you as a safe place. My almost five year old is like this. She has Asperger Syndrome and tends to get anxious easily.
I have chosen to homeschool her. My mother in law insisted when she was a very fussy newborn that she needed to go to day care to get 'unattached' to me. I refused, and now also refuse to put her in school. School is overstimulating and confusing and has too many opportunities to create anxiety. She needs to learn how to cope with her anxiety and operate as normally as possible and I don't believe that school would be conducive to that. She is also very very bright and doesn't learn at all if she's anxious.
She will be five in January and has been learning to read. She has a list of spelling words that she can spell if I ask her. She can write her name and the words she knows, and other words if I tell her how to spell them. She has a list of vocabulary words such as metamorphosis and nocturnal and epidermis. I don't believe that the typical preschooler knows as much as she does. But if I push her she freaks out and has a meltdown. School pushes, with the tests and the timers and the schedules. At home she can learn at her own pace, and without all the distractions and anxiety producers- I can control anxiety factors and let them through a little at a time.
IF I were you, that's what I would do. Would you say that things have gotten worse since starting school? A mother's instincts are often right. You can take a child out at any time, but you might want to do it when the Christmas break starts so she will already be used to being home again, unless you feel that she really needs to come out NOW. You might want to ask her some questions and even talk to her teacher about what's going on, to see if that is necessary.
S., mother to four girls
I remember going through that but a little older than your daughter. I had a friend that would cry and her mom would come get her. I did it and my mom did twice. Then she refused to come get me. I remember going to girl scout camp with this friend and one day into it, she cried and went home. I cried everyday and my parents wouldn't come get me.
I don't know what is right. I mean on one hand, they have to break the apron strings at some point. On the other, I grew up feeling very indifferent to my parents. Not just those times, it was other things as well. I think my parents took tough love to the extreme.
I never knew whether to get my feelings hurt or be proud but my first three kids have been very independent and ready to go. I have to make them leave when they go somewhere else. My youngest, on the other hand, is just now getting ok with me leaving her (20 months). I am proud they don't have the insecurities that would make them need me, but it is nice when they do exhibit those I need mommy reactions.
I think I would NOT do the homeschool thing yet.I would reward her for going to school all day and not worrying about mommy. I would encourage her to go to school and have fun and do well on her grades and then offer that just you and her will go dosomething fun.
She does have a new sister that is getting to stay home while she is going to school. I was very jealous because it always seemed like my mom and brother went and did fun stuff while I was at school and he was all to eager to tell me about it when I got home. (sounds crazy toadmit as an adult, but it is the truth LOL) I think you need to use more phrases, like I wish I could go to school! You are so lucky to get to go school! Promise that if she has a good morning at school you will come have lunch with her. Just things like that. Is she in Kindergarten? Some kids can't wait for school and others could careless (my boys are like that- my oldest asked me not to walk him in the second day of kindergarten because I was a blubbering idiot LOL- but in my defense I was 7 months pregnant Haha- my other son is in 1st grade and if I never made him go back that would be fine with him LOL)
If homeschooling is just what you want to do, then by all means it is your choice. I just wouldn't do it in reaction to this. If she thinks, I cried and got what I wanted, then she will use that for everything and you won't enjoy that at all!
I think a lot of her feelings are normal reaction to going to school with the fact that she a a little sister getting to stay at home. Hang in there! Good luck!
Some kids are just that way. My first born is also 6 and would crawl back into the womb if it was possible. I really think it is a maturity issue that will work itself out as they age slowly. We crossed the home school vs. school issue for him by enrolling him at Coram Deo Academy which is 2-3 days at school and 2 days of home school. This way he gets extra time with mommy, but also has the structure and socialization of a formal school. I just felt like at this age pushing it wasn't worth the stress involved for everyone. If she was 10 then I would be worried, but at 6 in my opinion it is immaturity.
I personally think homeschooling is a great idea! If you build a solid and secure foundation now, then later she'll have the confidence she needs to make it on her own in the big world. If you do this, be sure to join a homeschool coop so that you and her can be around others doing the same thing. Also, involving her in activities like gymnastics or swimming will give her small bits of time away from you and with others her age. Best of luck!
If you are up to home school try it. She just isn't ready to be away from you. I know once most kids hit middle school they can't wait to be away from their parents, so maybe you should cherish this time, you know? I am positive she will grow out of it, and you can always give the option to go back each new year. :) I think it is great that you care so much! You are awesome!
I know you've gotten a lot of responses already, but here is mine. :) I have a six year old daughter, also, who is often very clingy and shy. We've been fortunate that school hasn't been an issue (I think because so many neighborhood friends are there), but if she did, I would pull her out and homeschool her. I have wanted to do that, anyway, and would love the "excuse!"
I think the Coram Deo suggestion is a great one and worth checking into. Regardless of why she is doing this, I believe the bottom line is she needs more time with you. They grow up so quickly, why not just give her the time? It is sad that we think even our little ones have to be pushed out of the nest and made to mature on an abitrary schedule rather than going by each individual's needs. I think you are wise to be sensitive, and I think you can only gain good things by slowing the pace down for her and letting her see that you honor her innate need to be with you. That will build security better than anything else. And you will cherish the special time you took for her for many years to come.
God bless, and good luck!
