12 Yr Old and Friends

Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do. There comes a point where we have to let our baby birds fly :) You can't make friends for her. You can't make other kids like her. As wonderful as I'm sure she is this is just something that you have to back off of.

Tell her how wonderful she is. Build up her self-confidence. Maybe sports or an organized activity would help; she'd be with kids her own age that have similar interests. But don't push.

Some kids are just late bloomers. Some prefer to spend time alone. If she's content to be by herself, then just let her. The boy thing will happen. At 12, who knows how many of those boys are even interested in girls yet!

Listen....you don't want a bunch of boys "liking" your daughter at 12 years old. Count your lucky stars! She doesn't need to be 12 and look 14. If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it!
I personally feel sorry for the little girls who physically grow up way faster than they are emotionally ready for. That's just my opinion.
It sounds like your daughter has friends. Just not a "best" one at this point, but she just hasn't found that best friend yet. It doesn't mean she won't. It doesn't sound like the other girls refuse to do things with her.
I think you're worrying too much.
I know you love your daughter and want her to be happy, but maybe she is happy.
And, as for the boys....that will all come sooner than either of you are ready for.

Best wishes.

I have learned not every person needs or wants lots of friends or a best friend.

It astounded me, because I am the opposite. I have many very best friends..
I have a group of friends that I still see once a month and we graduated from High school together.. Heck my husband and I have been best friends since we were 13!

But our daughter has never had what I would call a "Best friend".
She has friends for different occasions.. She has her "childhood friends", she has her "Art friends", "Her rowing friends", she has "family friends" , "High school friends" and now she has her "college friends".

Rarely do they mix or come together.. She is happy. People like her. She can call up any of them at any time and they want to get together with her (not that she is good about doing this). And this works for her.

I learned a long time ago not to try to press her to be someone she is not.
It just made her shut down and I did not want her to have the impression there was something wrong with the way she was.. Instead, I told her if she wanted to have her friends over, they were always welcome. If she wanted friends to join us when we went places or did things, they were welcome to join in..

I also was very good friends with many of her friends moms and we would suggest group gatherings.. This way we moms (pushy) could get together and our kids did not feel like it was so orchestrated..

There were game nights, movie watching gatherings.. We provided the space and the food. When it was time for prom, none of them wanted to go as dates, so they were just going to go as a group.. We offered a giant dinner party and provided the dinner. We invited parents over to assist with serving also take photos and have dessert with us.. Once the kids left we enjoyed wine and ate the leftovers.. It was lots of fun and it had been a huge group. The kids said they felt so relaxed. We did not sit with them or get in the middle of their stuff, but we just kind of in another room while they did their thing.

It still continues when they all gather from college.
Just talk about friendships in an abstract way. Ask who likes the things she does. See if she wants to include anyone and if not.. no big deal if she seems happy.

I also read both of your questions, and I think you are possibly putting too much pressure on her in both areas - sports and friends. She's not a one-sport kid and she's not a one-friend kid. She has lots of friends and that's good. She doesn't have a woman's body at 12 - and you're worried?? She doesn't have boys after her? Yikes - you should be relieved and thrilled! You DO NOT WANT the drama of boys texting and calling (and maybe hurting her since they are all too young for relationships anyway), and you don't want the drama of one best friend who then turns away as they grow apart. Believe me. My son had many friends, and he was often the organizer of activities. Sometimes the one who organizes things isn't the first one to be called because others expect her or count on her to arrange things.

You were a skater and she's not - sounds like you want her to have the same experiences you did, to be happy with what made you happy at her age. Maybe you had one best friend and you want her to have that. But she's not you! She clearly doesn't need sports to make friends - she has 2 groups of girls she fits in with already. Let her be herself. Don't feel badly for someone who has no problems! She's doing great!

Stop making plans for the kids - at 12, they don't need this or want this. You can help with driving if she asks you. Make sure you know what they are doing and that it is safe, but otherwise stay out of it. Let her develop some independence at this age. It will help her going further into adolescence if she has confidence. Encourage her, compliment her on her skills and abilities, let her know you think it is GREAT that she has so many different friends, and don't imply that there is something missing from her life.

Boys are very young at 12 - tell her that they don't really like any girls, not really. She may see some boys playing up to some of the girls, but she may be missing the less assertive guys who are there, and who will be there throughout her high school years. Encourage her to get to know boys as friends and not to worry about who likes whom. If you pay attention to these relationships, you will see that none of them last and it's just an emotional roller coaster for those who get too involved or too hopeful.

I think, to be frank, that you need to back off. She's going to pick up your anxiety and it's going to make it worse for her. Try to relax and let her life unfold gradually! Don't worry about labels like "best friend" or "boyfriend." Really! She's 12!! Don't push her or make her push herself. You have a great kid you say - smart, cute, kind, great personality. Why in the world would you see that as lacking something?? Celebrate it!

Does SHE have a problem with it?

This age is hard, she's a Tween. Almost a Teen.
Kids are fickle... friends change and they don't just stick to certain friends forever....
Does she have hobbies????
What are HER interests?
Maybe she can join a club or a hobby group??

Even grown women, have different groups of 'friends.' Not it all being the SAME group. Different friends for different things/purposes.

Maybe she doesn't know how to initiate things on her own or is shy?
That's fine... maybe she will blossom later. I did. But I was fine and happy that way... nothing 'wrong.'

Let her be who she is. She seems fine.

Don't 'rush' her teen years or that she has to look like her classmates... and look 14. Yikes.
Accept her... for who and what she is... that is what most kids, need and want.... accept her.
She will blossom later.... I did. I know I repeated that... but that is just how some kids are. Its okay.

all the best,
Susan

I read both your questions. It sounds to me like she is trying to find herself. I too skated many years and then coached. It is hard to be at the rink for so many hours and then try to find friends that except your skating. Her frineds might not be calling if they think she is so busy with skating. And she might be feelign skating is getting in the way with friends. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Talk to her and see if she is happy. As, for the boys keep reminding her she is only 12 and everyone has there own time clocks. When its her turn to look 14, she will. Keep telling her she doesn't need boys or friends to know she is loved adn beautiful.

As for skating, glad to hear that you are talking with the coach. Is she stuck on a jump, competing in regionals, is the coach being tough on her? Sometimes a change can be good- take a day off, have a mom daughter day to talk it out, or it could be a big change like looking at a different coach. Is the coach pushing her in a positive direction or just watching and discussing the "needs to fix". Remember that the coach works for you and not the other way around. Skating is a tough sport.

This is tough for both of you, but my advise is to encourage her to make new friends. I myself went through this as well. I was always out going and had tons of friends, but I rarely got called or did anything if I didn't take the time or make the effort to organize it. Some people are better leaders than others and others are followers. Sounds like your daughter has leader tendencies. Firstly, does she have a problem with this as well, cause if she doesn't, you shoulnt let her know that you do. This will cause her to start thinking she is undesirable as a friend. If she does have a problem with this, there are several avenues to take. If she is really good friends with a group of girls, or just a couple in the group, she should just talk to them about it. A lot of times, kids don't even know if they have done something hurtful to someone. Give them a chance to make apologize and make an effort. If she is uncomfortable with that, she can try more subtle ways of letting them know she desires to be called as well. Perhaps she could say she is going to do something fun and if they are interested or want to go, to call her for the details. This will perhaps open the lines of communication both ways. If she does this several times, they may end up calling her just to see what she is doing. If this doesn't work, I would encourage her to make new friends. She doesn't have to give up the other ones, but perhaps she doesn't have that much in common with them. A lot of kids that play sports tend to call the others that play sports cause they have that common bond. It's not that they are trying to be rude, it's just that they see each other more and feel more comfortable with each other. If your daughter is interested in music or art or whatever she likes, encourage her to find friends that have that common ground. At this age kids are still trying to figure out where they fit in. Also, let her know how proud you are of her for being such a good friend. I hope this helps.

My 12 yr old always had many friends since she was in kindergarten and there used to be play dates once a month and we would take turns (most of us lol). Once she switches schools and started JHS many friends moved or went to a private school. The 2 girls at the private school we try to see a few times during the summer (they have so many activities, they are busy during the school year). Well, this summer my daughter was out of her element....not one of her 6 new friends hung out with her or each other for that matter. They seem to hang out with kids on their block or kids they were friends with in an activity/sport they are involved with. The positive outcome was she spent a lot more time with her 10 yr old sister and me. She is extremely shy, but because her sister is totally opposite in that category, she joined 3 summer sport activities and LOVED them!!! She did meet some kids but they were much older (high school freshman) and then kids younger than she is (7-9yrs old). I am hoping that the experience will get her to be more sociable now with kids her own age. No one calls. They occasionally email or text. Is your daughter shy? Does she have a sibling close in age? Tell her not to worry about the "boy issue"......she doesn't need the drama at this age lol! Use this time to strengthen the bond between the two of you...that should get her through this phase of life. Hugs!