Teaching 4 Year Old How to Communicate the Reasons of Why

Hi A..

I agree with Liz. Rather than asking him why he did something, a more fruitful conversation would be: "I see that you're not sleeping. Maybe you feel like playing but its time to go to sleep." Basically its observing what he's doing (and relying it back to him. Acknowledging his feelings/impulse and then redirecting it back to him). Its true that children dont fully understand why they do some things. You probably know why he's not in bed more than he does!

As for the constant string of why questions, I agree with what others are saying. Its a way for children to communicate and make sense of the world around them. My son will ask me the same question over and over until he has internalized the answer. On some days, this take an enormous amount of patience!

Good luck.
J

Your asking him to explain an impulse - could you explain a "craving"? Could you have done so when you had his vocabulary and self-awareness?

It is very different to want to understand something (ask why), than to understand the process of justifying your own behavior (answering why). It is really not the same word for them.

I bet you really know why he did it. Your challenge is to teach him the possible words... you could guess... "Did you do that because you were angry? That's what it looked like to me. You look really angry. How do you feel? Let's talk about acceptable ways to express anger."

One of the best things I have found is instead of asking "why" ask about what your son was feeling when he did whatever it was... "Were you feeling angry? Bored?" etc. Help to give him the vocabulary to express what his feelings are and then you can link them to his actions, i.e. "When I don't feel like sleeping, that's called being restless. Did you feel restless tonight? It's hard to stay in bed when you don't want to, isn't it?" My daughter and I talk about appropriate ways to express emotions. Restless? It's okay to sing quietly or tell yourself a story in bed, but it's not okay to get up and play in your room. Why? Because our bodies need rest to grow strong and tomorrow we will be playing outside/going to the park/running a race and I want you to have a good sleep! Angry? It's okay to be angry and if you feel mad, you can get out your crayons and draw an angry picture or go outside and yell really loud, but it's not okay to hit me/break things/throw a temper tantrum.

Hope this helps some

tell him why he did what he did. why are you getting ito things is it because you arent tired? instead of just why. be specific or ask are you tird instead of a more complicated why arent you in bed are you playing and not in bed. alot of it is because they cant form the sentances yet because they dont know they words they want to say. so if you say them it helps them say it. lots of guessing but it helps over time. if this ist it then i'd guess he as just doing what little kids do...not follow the rules.

I've read that children ask why so often not because they are truly interested in "why" but because they just want to talk to you. It's an easy way for them to have a conversation with you. So I have begun responding when children ask why: "why do YOU think it happens", or "what do YOU think" about this or that, etc. If they are used to being the ones asking the questions all the time, then that becomes the model of conversation they're comfortable. Instead of just answering him all the time, turn the conversation more into a dialogue with your son and encourage HIM to find the answers himself, it will help with your problem, I think!

and I just read the other reponses. Liz B makes an excellent point. I really like the way she leads her kids away from the "why" trap. It's really not a good question that an adult asks a child, because the children just do not know how to talk about it. And if you think about it, adults don't know why they do things wrong, either. Or if they do, they don't want to talk about it ;)

I have no suggestions for you but I will be keeping an eye on this thread. My son who is almost 4 does the same thing.

Just change YOUR QUESTION. Some examples: What happened? What did you think was going to happen when you...? What did you want to happen? What did you do?...and you did that so what would happen? What were you doing when (this) happened? About sleeping: restate your rule (like, "This is your sleep time, you must stay in your bed during sleep time"). When you later talk about, "The time he was out of bed and ___happened, was this helpful or hurtful? Tell me more. I thought it was hurtful because___(VERY BRIEF STATEMENT). Where does he need to be at sleep time? Tell me more. I find it helpful when ___(VERY BRIEF STATEMENT). What is he to do next time he needs or wants to be out of bed at sleep time? Is that helpful or hurtful? Tell me more.... I'm glad we talked, it was helpful to hear your reasons."
Some background understanding for the parent, as I understand it:
Asking "why" to children has been 'useless' for grown-ups most of the time, ESPECIALLY under stress. You might want to ask him when you are gardening about "why" we find worms in the dirt, or something a little more concrete, if you want to give him experience answering "why". HOWEVER, young children do not think in words or 'hear' a conscious in their heads when they do things, so their "because" says it all: "because it was there", "because I could", "because it looked like it wanted to fly, so I helped...", because my hand moved, I didn't do it!", "because it got in my way, it's not my fault!", etc.
nice question, hope this is helpful.

Right now he is always going to ask why...That comes with being a 4yr old. My son just turned 5 so I am passed the why stage. When he does something bad just let him know he shouldn't do that and he ask why and you just do your best to explain. When you ask him why, they really don't know. I mean they don't even know how to give you the answer but they will learn in time. When he is closer to 5 he will do better at explaining himself. Now when I ask my son why he did something he sometimes say because he wanted too. Still they really don't know how to give you the answer you want to hear so just be patient and know that he learn as he goes and will learn how to explain why he did something or didn't. Do the best you can. One thing you can't do is think of them as a small adult because they are not. There are lot of things they don't know. They lose interest within minutes and when they need to tell you something they to tell you right then or they for get. That is why they keep on about something. I am signed up with parents.com and I get alot of good advice from their emails they send out. You ought to try it out, maybe it can help you. Good Luck, you two will be fine just be patient and love him.
S. H

Hi A.,
My son too was a why child. But I found explaining to him exactly why he should do something helped him understand. And after I explain why he could do something, He was ok with it.
Are you telling him "Because I said when he asks why ?"
I think he knows what you are asking, I think he just doesnt know why. MAybe he is motivated by just an urge and knows he shouldnt have done it but this is the best excuse I have right now.

At 4 years of age he really doesn't know why he did things. Just because he asks why for events outside him does not mean he will know why he does things. Children take many years to develop the portion of their brain that plans out future actions, even a few minutes in the future. It can be frustrating for the parent to not understand source of a child's behavior, but realize that his brain acts mostly on impulse at his age and not from a conscious thought process.

I remember that stage with my now almost 9 year old step-daughter. It's kind of dim, so I don't know that we were ever able to jump that hurdle at that age, but I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize. Unfortunately, even up to ages 6 and 7 they'll do wierd things with no real motivation behind it. The only thing you can do is explain to him that he shouldn't do this because of this. In other words, teach him about consequences. I don't mean punishment, although that can't be ruled out, but just day-to-day cause and effect type of things.

I have a 4 year old to. My opinion is that answering every why question isn't always necessary for him or you. If the child lies or does something he's not supposed to do, you can ask him why, but he may not be able to verbalize that. You have to tell him why that won't work for you and what the consequence for his action is. But then on the other side, if he does something right do the same thing so that he understands that the right thing has consequences to that are pleasent and have their own rewards. I'm sure you know what will work best.
A.

A., Your son is far from the concrete stage. Why is not comprehensible to him and he is also far from the empathy stage. Just enjoy!