Met with Silence!

Buy the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.

I know odds are good you will not, but you really really should. I cannot explain it correctly here, but she is clearly having issues and you are asking the wrong questions and not hearing what she is saying.

She either can't or doesn't want to answer what you are asking, and punishing her for failing to answer is a roadblock path to nowhere. You have to ask the right questions.

she sounds very strong-minded, a great character trait if frustrating to parent.
9 year olds are realizing that they don't have very much control over what goes on in their lives, and often resent it. but mom can't MAKE her talk.
she's flexing her control muscles.
and i'd let her. open the door to conversation, let her know you're there to listen if she's ready to share, but don't pester her about it or get upset with her for choosing silence. if she does something wrong (i don't consider lying 'little'), she gets consequences regardless of her input into the situation. but you can let her know that she can have a say in what those consequences will be if she wants to discuss it.
but she doesn't have to.
as an adult-in-training, it really is up to her to share her words or not.
be thankful this control isn't manifesting in an eating disorder.
give her love, respect, plenty of boundaries, and the option of talking to you or not.
khairete
S.

So... There's a toddler trick that is to not ask them WHAT are you doing??? (Exp in a moment)

There's an adolescent trick of not asky why.

With toddlers...
Its because it short wires their systems.
For example:
Upon arriving on a tablaue of toddler & family beagle
"What are you doing?!?"
Toddler starts. Looks at mom. Looks at dog.
But... I thought it was obvious that I'm shaving the dog
Mom doesn't know what Im doing
Then I must not be shaving the dog!
Gulp! Impending terror
What? What! What am I doing????
Turn wide eyes toward mom
Answer honestly :
"I don't know."

Adolescent
Does stupid thing for 1 (or 6) of 100 bad reasons
Realizes after the fact that there was absolutely no good reason to do what they had just done
Feels eleventy seven hormone inspired emotions the sped of which will not be felt again until pregnancy (hopefully a long time away)
Being completely unable to name even one of the eleventy seven emotions, just categorizes the melting ooze of their guys as "embarassment"
Which, they felt more than enough of BEFORE being called in the carpet, thankyouverymuch and FURTHERMORE (embarassment replaced with indignation as a much happier alternative)

OptionA)
Adolescent vents all frustrations, failures, embarrassments, shame, regret, crushed dreams, Etc on nearest target (with arm waving and stomping)

OptionB) Smart adolescent realizes indignation totally inappropriate, and turns attack inward... Trying not to explode into a million tiny particles, which will happen the MOMENT they open their mouths. Solution. Wire. Jaw. Shut. (Or mumble "I don't know" / "I didn't" / "I DID!"
Through wired shut jaw.

A & B) = NEITHER can tell you why
A- They don't know, it was stupid, and they can't believe themselves to be that stupid. More importantly YOU must not believe them to be that stupid. Be ause how could you love someone so stupid? You don't love me! You don't understand!!! You don't get it!!! Arrrrrrgh!

B- They don't know. They're so overwhelmed with crazy emotions they can't rub 2 neurons together to get a spark, much less make toast or answer a simple question (fueling even more embarrassment & shame, making it even harder to think.

=

Toddlers... As why they're doing something
Adolescents... Ask what (led up up) their doing something

With BOTH give them words to use (use your words!) to help shape their ability to communicate.

________

Just my experience

Maybe just start writing a journal btwn the two of you. Just buy a notebook and write her a note inside, tuck a pen/pencil inside & leave it on her pillow asking her to please write back. My oldest daughter & I did this for quite a while & it was a real ice breaker at times. Even if it's it's just a quick "hi, how was your day" even.

I would try never having these conversations, face to face. Do it in the car. Allow all the time it takes. It takes the pressure off some. Not accusing, but just, this is how I see the situation, can you tell me if that was how it came down?

There is another explination, you aren't listening.
I haven't read the book but heard the author talk about the book, How to Talk so Kids will Listen And Listen so Kids will Talk. Check it out.

"I ask her why she did it." When you ask someone why they did something, the obvious answer is, "because I'm stupid." Clearly, no one wants to admit to that. Therefore, you will be better off if you say things like, "let's do homework after school today and then take a short break before dinner." Or , "I expect you to always tell me the truth, so we can work through mistakes and such together." Or, "hey, let's see how far you are in your studying-I will quiz you, then you will know what you have to work on." If I asked you why you spoke to your daughter like that-how would you feel? You would feel like you weren't being a good mom-which would be hurtful-and, I'm sure, not the case. As grown ups-we say things like, "what were you thinking?" And then we're equipped to answer with, "Clearly I'm an idiot and I wasn't thinking!" Then we laugh-children don't do that-they shut down. I hope I have helped. Try this new approach-you will be amazed! Good luck!

Welcome Mama! Getting some kids to talk is tough. First, I would start coming up with routines which set the stage for talking....like nightly cuddle time, or every Saturday take a couple of hours to do a Starbucks run, or twice a week have chill out time where you put some blankets on the floor light some candles and stare at the ceiling....I would also let go of the expectation that she will talk on the spot when she is caught and in trouble. Maybe have it be part of her apology before a consequence is removed. For example, she tells a lie and you say no screen time for a day. Let her know she can earn the screen time back next day if she apologizes and tells you what she will do differently next time. Blessings

ROFLMAO...

She's acting EXACTLY how I would act if someone walked up to me and started lecturing me on what I should do and when.

Well, she's only 9, so she may not actually "know" why she did or didn't do something. They're still learning impulse control and there are emotional development and brain development things happening. This is the 4th grade year in elementary school, so homework and other activities are dramatically increased from last year... there's a lot more to think about. Social situations are starting to get more complicated at school.

I try to be conversational with my children rather than talking at them. It works a lot better. I try to ask leading questions so that I'm doing more listening than talking. This is, of course, very difficult with my autistic daughter so with her I just take what I can get.

I listen to them when they do talk to me, and how they phrase things. When they feel like talking, I make sure to show interest but I don't pounce. They HATE sitting down to "have a talk" unless they're the ones initiating. Instead, we have a lot of great conversations during supper time, during craft activities, in the car, while shopping for groceries or doing errands, while cooking together, etc. I make it a point not to have stressful conversations during the situation that makes us the most stressful. So if the stress is about homework, we don't talk about it in the middle of having to do the homework.

This is what I've learned through a LOT of trial and error. I'm still learning. I also try to remember what it was like when I was that age, and what worked for me or my brothers and friends. Kids haven't changed all that much. Kids want to be heard, not talked at. That's the biggest thing.

The direct approach isn't going to work here.
You have to approach it sideways.
At 9 (4th grade?), you should still be checking her homework.
If it looks sloppy have her do it again till it's more neat.
The tv/computer/games/fun stuff does not begin until her work is completed to your satisfaction.
If that means the fun stuff stays off all day or all week or all month - so be it.
Fun is constantly earned by good/cooperative behavior.
If she needs to study - quiz her.
Go over chapter questions and if she's not answering many very well, then she can read over the chapter again and you'll repeat the quiz till she's better.
Talk to her teacher about how you can work with your daughter.
It's a lot of involvement but you want your daughter to know that her school work and grades and the effort she puts into it is important to you.
You just can't say it's important - you have to show her and work with her on this.
For fun (that's not electric fun), pick a book to read together.
At 9 (even over the next several years) she's still honing her reading skills and this will be important because much of her work in higher grades will depend upon it.
You read a chapter out loud to her then she reads a chapter out loud to you.
There are so many books you can read together like this.
If they are fun interesting stories - you get caught up in the story and she won't even realize she's learning.
If there is any indication that she might be dyslexic or have any sort of learning disability then have her evaluated so you can find how to best help her over come it.
Also - since you are recently divorced - she just might be mad that her parents are no longer together and that her world has changed.
She might feel she was the cause or it's one parents fault or just angry about it in general.
There is definitely an adjustment period - you and she both have adjustments to make.
Some family counseling for both of you (you do the talking even if she won't for right now - she'll be listening to what you say as you speak your concerns to the counselor) might be a good idea.
Keep it up - there won't be a quick fix for this - but over time she'll see that you and her are in this together.

I remember being in your daughter's shoes. My mom and I think and act differently. Still do.

She would ask me why I took a certain act, or made a certain omision, and I would give my reason. Sometimes I would have to make one up because really, I was just acting or not acting because it was what felt right, or because it seemed the right thing to do.

Answering "because" wasn't acceptable to her. Further, she'd ask for my reasoning, and then chastise both my behavior and my thought process. Then she'd get infuriated that I had answered in what she deemed a "smart aleck" way because surely my response was just meant to get under her skin. She started chiding me, "if you are going to give explanations of that sort, you'd best just keep your mouth shut and accept your punishment."

I started obliging her.

1. My mom was fairly overt about telling me to clam up in response to a "why" question. Make sure that you aren't inadvertently teaching her that clamming up is your prefered response.

2. Make sure that there is flexibility in your approach to life. My mom for instance would ask me to wash dishes. Then she'd get upset that I had washed them using horizontal strokes rather than round ones. Either way the dishes were clean, but in my mother's mind there was only one way of doing things right. Why did you wash the dishes in that manner would have me wondering, what on earth could you possibly be talking about?

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Try hypnotherepy - less talking more help/therepy.

In addition, she may not know what to say. Offer her this option; listen to you, take 10 min alone to ponder then discuss. If that does not help I hope the other moms have suggestions.

She sure is a clam huh?
Does not talk.
Not even to the counselor.
Does she talk to her Dad?
If she was always like this, then it is not JUST the divorce that caused it.
But, if she is recently.... like this, then perhaps it is the divorce that has affected her talking or not.

I never liked talking to my Mom. I liked to talk to my Dad though.
It was because my Mom was so.... off, about whatever she thought of me. She was just, more judgmental and assumed things regardless of what I, said. So I just did not like talking to her. She basically could have a conversation with herself, not even with my input, and then decide something about me. And that's it. And she was usually wrong, about me. So I never bothered, really pouring my guts out to her, nor talked to her about "deep" things. But I did with my Dad.

If your daughter does not talk, that must be a real silent house.
Does she talk about anything? Or is just silent about school?

You said she is silent "whenever I try to advise her about studies/homework/friends etc...." or "when she does something naughty..."
To me, she is just being silent because she thinks no one will understand or she cannot admit, she is at fault for things that go wrong.
My friend has a son, that EVEN if he knows plain as rain that he caused trouble etc., or if he knows he is "wrong" about something... he WILL NOT TALK NOR ADMIT it, no matter what. He just cannot admit, to things. AND he will not even, apologize even if 100 people are staring him in the face telling him to apologize. He is just, so stubborn. It even drives me nuts. And then he just acts like, nothing happened. Really exasperating. But not a good character trait. His Mom, gets so frustrated with him.

Anyway, if your daughter will not talk to anyone, not even the Therapist, then, I guess she will only talk to her friends and who knows who they are. Do you k now her friends parents?
Try to get to know her life, somehow.

Don't get upset. Just give consequences. If she goes against your rules, then tell her what's going to happen.

You ask her a question, she doesn't respond, then she gets sent to her room (or insert appropriate punishment). She needs to know she has to tell you certain things for her safety and well being.

For you, decide what is punishable and what isn't. Make sure your punishable list is way shorter than the isn't list. If she does something on the isn't list, let it go. If its on the punishable list, ask her once and then don't ask any more. I would shut down too if I 1) didn't want to get myself in more trouble 2) giving the reason isn't going to make a difference in why I did it 3) knew it would get under my mom's skin.

This obviously doesn't apply to safety/emergency issues.

my son has always gotten quiet when in trouble, as well as, he also will just be so distracted he either doesn't hear the question, or hears the question but gets distracted before he answers it (yes, he has adhd). so we have always dealt with one aspect of what you're talking about.

we have always disciplined him (time out, for our 6 year old) for not acknowledging when someone is speaking. i feel it is very rude and disrespectful. i might repeat myself if i don't think he heard me, but if he heard me, he dang well better give me SOME answer, even if it is "I just can't talk about it right now." -which is perfectly acceptable. i think a child should respond when an adult speaks to them, especially if it is a question.

NOW. having said that, obviously you can't force someone to open up and share their life story with you - especially a tween. the other mamas have some great tips for getting her to open up. i think what you're dealing with is a combination of things - bad manners, emotional walls, AND perhaps not asking the right questions. asking someone (especially a kiddo) why they did something is irrelevant and rarely gets you useful results. who cares why she did something? unless there is some deep underlying psychological issue that needs dealt with (which a 9 year old wouldn't be able to explain anyway), it doesn't matter if she was mad that her hair didn't do what it was supposed to, or jealous over her bff talking to her crush.

when she has misbehaved, her actions are what matters and that is what should be addressed. don't worry about the "why". deal with the behavior. you can't force her to confide in you. you can take steps to make it easier for her - and by all means, do that, when she's NOT in trouble....but when she is misbehaving and needs disciplining, take care of that issue, not expecting it to be a big bonding moment. that is for another time.

Maybe having her write it down could work?
Is there a friend that she could talk to, or your siblings? Grandma?

It sounds like there is something deeper going on. Have you visited a consoler?

Good luck

Does she stay quiet in general? Consider it part of her personality.

My kid is talkative, but she does things I wish she wouldn't. What I do is guess (usually correctly) what and why she is doing, and then I ask her if that is what she is doing. Ex.:A lot of wrong answers in math workbook. "Do you just put any old answer into your math workbook just to get it done?"

Not sure how helpful this is in your situation; just a strategy I use.