Tattling

Hey K.,
I took a tip from my friend who is a pre-K teacher. Ask him if what he is about to tell you "keeping him out of danger or getting him into trouble?" After a few times of this......my son quit telling me things such as....Johnny said a bad word!!!
Good Luck and keep being a great mom.

I'm still figuring out the Mamsource stuff, so I apologize for being 'late' with my response.

He is a bit young to understand the difference, but not too young, IMHO, to start teaching him the difference. My experience has been that motive is what drives my kids to do things sometimes. What is his motive? Is he wanting to help his younger brother and keep him from harm, or is he wanting him to get in trouble? The olders may feel the youngers are doing something they can't do or doing something they've gotten in trouble for doing before. At this age, I truly think your oldest is feeling protective of the younger sibling.

I remember my mother telling me that when my baby brother was born I would crawl in his crib & tell people 'NO my baby'. And I was always 'mothering' him. When my 4th child was about 18 months, one of her sisters was 4 and she would tell Rebekah when to take a nap, when to eat, how to play...and Rebekah did it! That didn't last too long, but much longer than I expected. I don't think Sarah was trying to get her in trouble but truly felt she was helping. I think your oldest truly feels he's being 'mama's helper' in all this.

Just keep working with him, letting him know what you think is safe for the younger one to do and that you love how he's a good big brother, but you're the mom and for him to let you tell his little brother no.

Hope that helped, you got some great advice from this great group of mom's

Your 3 yr old probably isn't able to understand the difference in what's helping and what's tatling. To them they are ALWAYS helping. I'd try to explain to him that if his brother could get hurt doing whatever it is he's doing to be sure to tell you, but that he doesn't always have to tell you when he say "throws a stuffed animal". You don't want to him to feel like he shouldn't tell you when his brother is doing something wrong, because the benefits (keeping your little one safer) outweigh the consequences (annoying tattling). When he's a little older, he'll understand the difference and then if he still tattles, you can address it differently.

Two and three year olds don't play together - they play side by side -not interactivly. I don't believe the three perceives nor can think on that level. He probably doesn't think of tattling. I worked with threes at UT and saw no tattling, saw little playing together, and saw lots of observing. Actually, I see what he's doing as very intelligent and helpful. He will grow out it quickly and be so busy playing that he won't have time to tattle. Personally, I wouldn't worry about such a small thing. Your three is doing what threes do. At the lunch table at UT, the threes watched each other intently and told when milk was spilt and such. No worry - it won't last long.

Perhaps you could not make a big deal of it when your oldest tells you that his little brother has done something wrong, but not dangerous. Just give him a small "thanks for letting me know" and continue what you are doing. If he tells you that his little brother has done something that is potentially dangerous, give him a bigger thank you and talk about how what happened could have been dangerous & the little one could have been hurt, that it's very important to keep his brother safe, etc.

My thought is that as he gets older, he will start to see the difference between what is dangerous (more important) and what is not such a big deal that he has to tattle about. This is just a guess, as I have no experience with this age (3) or the problem. Good luck!

I implemented the tattle test:

1)Are you or the other person hurt?
2)Is someone hurting someone else?
3)Is someone damaging property (or disrespecting a boundary)?

If NO to all of the above... I dont need to hear about it!

Hi K.,
Ode to the tattle-taler! haha...When does it BEGIN, and more importantly, when does it END?!?!
I tell my 8 and 5 yr. old often, even now, that 'if it is tattling, I don't wanna hear it.' If they are hurt or it is an emergent-type situation, obviously that's different! I am not sure if a 3 yr. old even though learning everyday, has the discipline or maturity yet to discern when to tattle and when not to, all the time...
Regardless, that doesn't give him/her a 'trump' card so to speak to cont....I would give him ideas/examples of 'when' to tattle, and when not to. You can also tell him that he can be and is an example for his younger sibling(s). You may try rewarding him for some of the times he does do the right thing...I babysat my nephew the other day (who is 3) and I have a 17 month old...he couldn't get it out of his mouth enough what my baby was doing and not doing! So, it's just in their being, I guess. But I did tell him when my son was doing the right thing...and I thanked him for telling me the important things. They will learn eventually. :) Hope some of that helps!

i don't even think you should be worrying about "tattle-taling" at this age. in fact, i think you should be encouraging him to tell you when he thinks something is inappropriate. discouraging him from telling you when he thinks something is awry cuold lead to all kinds of bad things. what if, for instance, a caregiver hit him, and he was afraid to tell you because it was tattling? he just has a hard time percieving the changing structure of what is and is not allowed for his little sister, and it sounds as if he's being a very helpful big brother, encourage that, and save the tattle speeches for when he's well into elementary school and can grasp whatever difference you make between notifying an adult of inappropriate behavior and tattling that you want then when he can better understand.

When my son went through that phase, I always asked him before he could get it out if the other child/person had hurt him and was he bleeding, was the other child hurt or bleeding, and then tell him that he needed to worry about his own actions. He doesn't tell anymore....

Honestly, I don't think I would try to get him to understand the difference between tattling on his brother for the heck of it, or tattling to keep him from being hurt.

You really cannot expect a 3 year old child to differentiate between what he may perceive as danger and what an adult would perceive as a danger. While you and I would know it is dangerous for an 18 month old to play with scissors or a lighter, for example, a 3 year old isn't going to understand that.

I would wait at least until he is 5 before I would start guiding him into what is considered 'tattling' and what is helpful to prevent his brother from being injured.

That's just my opinion, but you will have to decide how responsible you think your 3 year old can be. I would hate to tell him not to tattle, and have him think it's harmless to play with cleaning supplies or someone's vitamins that got accidentally left out...and then something tragic happens. 3 year olds just aren't that mature to know every danger a child, even himself, could get into.

Good luck, and happy holidays!

My instinct is that this is a phase. The boys do not yet have the communication skills between them to be able to handle these little situations between themselves. Not quite yet. But of course the next step will be the two of them arguing. My children are about four years apart and bounce back and forth between working together and arguing. Good Luck, the issue will become clearer when they get a little older.

I understand your dilemma. I have the same issues. Here's how I'm handling it, it may or may not be the best way.

If it is truly a life and limb situation, I address it immediately, thank my 5 year old, and tell her it's important to tell an adult if someone is doing something that could hurt them badly.

If it's a no-no with only minimal or no risk for injury (Christmas tree ornaments), then I tell her she's tattling, and that I won't listen. I send her back to playing. If it's something that requires attention/discipline, I also shortly "happen to go that way" myself, hopefully to catch the offender in the act. I then act accordingly.

Also, as far as the Christmas tree goes, I place most breakable ornaments higher on the tree, especially valuable or sentimental ones. We have had a few broken ornaments (plain bulbs), but the kids also have seen why they aren't allowed to touch them. Good luck!

When I was subbing in a Kindergarten class, the class had a "Tattle bear." When children had something that they felt they HAD to tell someone, but it wasn't hurting another child, then they would go tell the tattle bear. It seemed to work well for the kinds of ordinary tattling that usually goes on in kindergarten.

I am thinking about getting one of those moveable play yards to put around our Christmas tree to keep my eight-month old out. (She loves to pull up on things and walk around.) It might give your littler one a space that's his with his toys where he doesn't get in trouble. Another option might be using a video baby monitor to keep an eye on them while you're in the kitchen. I'm thinking of using mine for that kind of thing once my child gets older.