Oh My GOSH! My Kids Tattle TOO MUCH!

You could make a rule that before they have anything negative to say, they have to say three positive things about the person. If they can't find the three positive things to say, they can't tattle. However, to make this really work, this would go for everybody.

Good luck with this phase. It will continue if you don't calmly and positively nip it in the bud.

Ah, the joys of having children who are very excited in trying to figure out the justice of their world. My question to you is this: WHAT exactly happens when your children come up to you to tell on each other?

Most of us mean well, but we talk too much with our kids. That is, the customary response to tattling children is to engage, either with questions drawing out the particulars of the incident, or to explain to our kids why we don't like tattling, or some other exchange. In the end, our kids are encouraged to tattle because it is a stunning way to engage us. We see this also in how excited they become when they are rushing up to "tell" on each other.

My strongest suggestion would be to read "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This is probably the most valuable book I've ever read in regard to verbal exchanges between people.

Then, here is a suggestion that you could use right away. The first is to put the onus of action on the tattling child. Example:

Child: "Mom, Kate's pushed me!"
Mom: "Hmm. Kate pushed you."(impassive, just stating a fact)
Child: "Kate's pushing me and I don't like it."
Mom: "You don't like it when Kate pushes you."
Child: "I hate it."
Mom:"You are really mad because Kate pushed you."
Child:"I'm gonna tell Kate not to push me anymore."

At this point, the child has talked their own way through the problem without the parent taking sides or solving it for her. If the conflict continues, we continue listening and rephrasing. Sometimes our kids can come up with ideas to resolve it on their own. This is the hard part: their decisions may not be exactly what we are comfortable with, but unless they are unsafe, it's worth it to give them a try. At other times, children may need an adult to engage them in some problem solving by making a list of everyone's ideas (writing them all down without criticism) and letting the kids choose one they both agree to try. Give them a few chances to figure out how they might like to work things out; this actually strengthens the executive function skills that are necessary for healthy social interaction and multitasking.

My short bit here is no substitute for the book itself, but I hope you get a chance to see that this is a wonderful opportunity for you to step back and not be put in the position of referee between your kids, which ends up being incredibly draining by the end of the day...all of the enforcing punishments and "Mind your own business", etc. Our eventual goal as parents is to make our jobs a little easier as our kids come into their own capabilities, and to empower them to solve their own problems when it's appropriate. The techniques in this book do just that, and I hope you have a chance to pick it up. It's been an unbelievable help for me in my work with kids.

I would talk to them about good telling and bad telling.
Good telling is helping people like:
1.when someone is hurt and needs help etc..
2. is in danger (running into the street etc...)
3.The person needs help stopping their behavior because others are getting hurt by it.
Good telling helps people

Bad telling hurts people like:
1.when you want to get someone into trouble for what they did or are doing, but it doesn't hurt anyone else.
2.When it will hurt someone's feelings
3.When it makes them feel bad
Bad telling hurts people and if you come to me with bad telling you will be punished. If you tell on someone for telling you will be punished.

How can you tell if it's good telling? Is it saving the person from danger by telling? Will it help the person by telling?

Hope that helps. It helped with my children.

I have told my daughter that telling on someone just so they will be punished is just like hurting them on purpose... it is wrong. I have told her that it is her responsibility as the older (5 years older) to help make sure he is not going to hurt himself, others, or property. Those are the only things she is allowed to tell on him for. When she tattles about something that does not fit those criteria, I don't listen. I tell her I'm sorry and that's the end of the conversation. If she persists, I repeat I'm sorry. Eventually, she gives up. I also encourage my children to take care of their own problems. If my daughter comes to tell me that her brother has hit her, I tell her I am sorry and ask her what she has done about it. I expect her to try to work it out on her own and will only get involved if it isn't working. If I see something, I will get involved immediately and do not give them the chance to tattle. I also tell them that it doesn't matter who did what to whom, all the matters is what you do about it and how you react. I don't know if you are religious, but I frequently remind my daughter that one of the reasons God gave her him as a brother is to teach her to be a better person by giving her opportunities to learn.

Both education and parenting classes said to completely ignore the child when they come to tattle. You can tell them that you will not be listening when they tattle. Being consistent is the difficult part of this skill. One has to ignore the child every time. If one responds some of the time the kids will keep tattling.

My grandchildren complain to me about the other one. I listen sympathetically but do not get involved. This seems to be enough for the kids. I suspect that some of the time they are trying to show me that they are "better" than the other. They are jealous of each other.

Other times I think that they just want attention. If you think that's a possibility it may help to give each child a bit more attention than they're getting now. I like the idea that has been suggested in other posts to give each child a regular specific time during which they spend the time alone without the other kids.

I tell my girls that I don't want to hear about anything unless someone is hurt and that they need to work it out themselves. It gives them a sense of empowerment and ownership over the situation. You of course have to teach them how to work things out themselves...but they catch on, and when one comes to me with a problem, all I have to do is say, go work it out, and they do it!

Get the book "Siblings without rivalry". it was suggested by several Mamasourcers several months ago on a different question. I got it since it was so highly recommended. It has tons of great info and ideas of how to deal with issues just like these. I highly recommend it!

S.
www.hazelaid.com
All natural, organic, handmade hazelwood necklaces for the relief of eczema, acid reflux, & teething pain for babies and their families.

( oh, dear - it is irritating, isn't it??) -- So what I did that helped- was to say '''' I DON'T like tattling - I only want to hear if there is blood- or something is broken- otherwise WORK IT OUT YOURSELVES -- and if I EVER get the idea you are deliberately trying to get someone punished - about some ''' nobodies hurt - ''' but you just HAD to come and tattle- you will get the punishment or correction or consequence ( whatever word you use) that you were trying to get THEM''''

that helped some - and I've heard of parents who set aside a small carpet --- like 6feet by 10 - whatever you have - and said ''' go to the talking space- and DONT LEAVE until you have this problem worked out ( and no- Mom is NOT the negotiator- the point is the two kids need to work it out)

Blessings, T.=
J.
aka- old Mom

As an elementary school teacher for 10 years and a mom of 3 I have seen my share (and then some!) of tattling.

Here's my rule for tattling: If someone is being hurtful(physically or in a totaly bullying way) or distructive then I want to hear it otherwise use your problem solving skills. Anyone actually tattling receives a consequence-- time out, not being allowed to play with the toy which the tattling was about for an extended period, losing a priveldge, etc.

Be strong, put polite. Tattling is one of the few behaviors I found very easy to curb. Messy rooms... that's another thing :)

this can be a hard one because you want to make sure that your children can discern good and bad tattling. I spent some time teaching my children what they should come to me with and what was just tattling- then we talked about attitudes- why were they telling me what they were telling me. Kids tend to be self exalting- when one is getting in trouble, the other likes to point out that they are not doing that thing, they also tend to delight in the others troubles if they think it will put them in a good light and give them more attention. I did not have too much trouble with this with my own but many of the kids I babysit have patterns of this behavior. I make sure they understan that we do not delight in each others trouble but we help each other and encourage each other in what is right.
One of the things that I have employerd with the children that I know are understanding what tattling is, is this- when they come to me to tell me what "bad" thing the other is doing, I ask what punishment they think that person deserves- I usually get the answers 'a spanking', 'time out', ' no t.v' after they answer then I ask, would you like to take on their consequence for tattling- the answer is obviously no- I then let them know that if the tattling continues, they will receive the consequence they have cchosen for the one they have tattled on- I have never had to give the consequence and, at least for that day, the tattling stops. A couple of kids that I babysit often still tattle quite a bit at home but they have completely stopped the tattling when they are in my home.

What happens to the child who did the misdeed? What do you say to the 'reporter'? You should set guidelines as to what you want to hear. If they are hurting someone, something or are going to get hurt (unsafe behavior), then by all means, tell you. All other reports can go by the wayside. When they come to tell you ask first if someone is hurt or bleeding? Is someone going to get hurt? No... then have 30 minutes in the evening for them to tell you all about their day... the good, the bad and the ugly. My brother and I were really close in age and we tattled alot. Until my parents made us responsible for each other's behavior. Well you're the big sister, why didn't you tell your brother 'no' or why didn't you help him. Same went for him, he was my big brother, (even though he was younger), why didn't he help his sister. When we thought punishments needed to be distributed, they would ask us if we wanted to give them to the other one or were we willing to share the punishment as we didn't stop them or let them get hurt. It worked, and as the younger brothers arrived, the tattling just didn't happen unless it was something extremely major. We developed this sense of support and bonding that has withstood the test of time. Don't get me wrong, we still can disagree and argue, but we're there for one another when push comes to shove. That's what every parent wants for their kids. I've applied the philosophy to my three. They are a unit, and now that one is gone to college, the phone is the glue that keeps them connected. Family.

Yes,this is a frustrating one! Here's what helped me.First of all,I did what my Mom did that worked so well... I told my daughters often that they were BEST FRIENDS and that they would be friends their whole life,and to remember how precious the other was. If they fought,I would sometimes make them hug for 5 minutes. That might sound bizarre, but after 1 minute, they were laughing and had forgotten about being annoyed. The other thing I told them was that they needed to "use their words" to settle matters. When someone did NOT listen to their words, then it wastime to get a grown-up. This is just generally a good policy anyway, I think. When I had a child who was REALLY in the tattling stage, I sometimes made a rule that it needed to be an EMERGENCY, meaning 9-1-1 would need to be called. I told tham that if I would not need to call a police officer, a fire fighter, or an ambulance, or no one was badly hurt or in real danger to just LET IT GO. Either these things worked, or they simply outgrew it. :) Blessings to you and yours! <3

My kids are 7,5,3. In our house the "tattler" gets the same punishment as the one they tattle on. It curbed the desire to get someone else in trouble when they knew it would be visited on them as well. We are not here to get each other in trouble we are hear to help each other make wise decisions and be accountable to each other. They need to help the other person not try to bring down wrath upon them for their own personal gain. I understand telling a parent if... someone is bleeding, something is on fire, or someone is in need of help. I ask my children... "what punishment do you think they should get?" I then tell them that tattling is not acceptable in our home and if they want to press their case then they have to be ready to receive the same punishment. Most kids will tell you they don't want that to happen to THEM! They have caught on very quickly.
Happy Parenting!

I just had to laugh when I was reading this. I, too, have 3 girls, ages 7, 5, & 3 (and 1 boy, age 7) who were tattling CONSTANTLY! I just told my husband they were fighting and tattling in their SLEEP even! It was so frustrating. All I ever heard was, "he did this" or "she did that".

A friend just told me about a week ago about what they did in the daycare she worked at. They had a 'Tattle Mirror' and anytime the kids wanted to tattle they had to tattle to the mirror. Unless of course someone/something is hurt/broken or going to get hurt/broken.

That same morning at the breakfast table I explained the rules to them and gave them the mirror to pass around and tattle about anything they wanted. That was the quietest breakfast EVER! None of them knew what to say if they weren't tattling about something. It has worked great for us. Occasionally we need to remind them, but the other day I watched my 4 year old walk across the room, pick up the mirror, and say, "Summer pinched me." (In that tattle tale voice, of course!), and then run back to go play with her sister again! It was amazing! Hope you find something that works for you, because tattling can really wear us all out. Good Luck!

How about an award for going a certain amount of time without tattling? Maybe with a daily chart where they get a sticker for each day they do well and so many stickers equals a treat?