Tantrums Everytime I Get a Phone Call>

Nah -forget it. If she can't punish, then there's no point of even formulating a constructive response to this question.

My kids (5&6) want 100% of my attention. They seem to go a bit nuts when I'm on the phone. They take advantage of my distraction to go bananas, make noise, get in the fridge, argue with each other, you name it. It makes it very difficult to have an adult conversation.

I try to avoid the issue by making my calls when they are in the tub or having computer time or playing outside. That's also why I switched to mostly texting.

All I can suggest, is treat it like any other inapropriate behavior. If they act up, discipline them when the call is over. Let them know it is unnacceptable and there will be consequences.

C.
You are the most confusing person ever. Every single question you ask includes your answer at the end, which is usually that you know nothing will change no matter what. Why do you even ask?? You never post a follow up. You never even take the advice that is given to you and do anything about it.
You just said that your sister is not a punisher. A four year old needs to have consequences for his actions. He screams when she gets on the phone to get her attention. He is looking for structure. If she is not able to give him structure she cannot expect him to behave.
I am sorry if this is harsh, but cmon! Nothing ever changes. Give us a follow up that says, Thanks for the suggestions, it worked out great. BUT DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D.

Ditto Denise and Mamaduck.

I've noticed that you seem to lament the lack of control you have over other people. You ask your policeman son to move in and take care of you, but don't want him to have a police dog (for a promotion). You blast another mom because "I always made SURE I did everything I needed to do for my children, above and beyond. The hell with the rest. No excuse and no sympathy from me.".

And now you end a relationship with your sister (a grandmother!!!) because of how she babysits.

No kidding she should do something else...but YOU'RE the one with the problem!

It seems to me that the universe is telling you something.

You're not in charge.

I think you need to call and spend time with your sister when she's not babysitting your nephew, don't you?
Other than that, let HER deal with him.

Here's a different take on it: Could he have some mild special needs, say sensory issues or Asperger's syndrome? Kids with these issues have a *nightmare* with transitions, and a phone call is a big transition. One minute mommy is right there with you and then, "ring, ring" -- she's gone. Wants nothing to do with you at all. A neurotypical kid can handle it, but a transition-challenged kid often can't.

Rather than just thinking "punishment or nothing," I might look into some play therapy for this little boy. He might also benefit from having his own toy phone. Kids often get through issues by turning the tables, by playing, "Mom, I have to take a phone call, so I'm going to ignore you now."

What is your family doing to help this child? Asking here on this forum isn't going to help. He needs professional help, or he will never make it in school. And your sister will not be able to homeschool him.

Is is terribly evident in everything that you have written about him in your past threads that he has special needs. None of you knows how to handle his problems, and none of you are doing right by him by hiding your heads in the sand here. You are hurting yourselves, AND robbing him of a chance at normality in his life. PLEASE go get him some help, all of you. Start with the pediatrician and ask for a play therapist. She will see all of this and will give you a plan of action.

I really hope you will listen to this advice.

Dawn

I was pretty much going to say what Mira said. My son has ADHD and Sensory Issues and phone calls are triggers for him - either he wants to be on the phone getting the attention or he tries to make it difficult for me. What I did was take the phone call, say "Hey mom, I will get DS set up then call you back." I would then settle him into an activity he liked to do solo or allow him to choose a movie/cartoon/video game to play - set the timer for 20 min and call her back. I would tell him/her that once the timer went off so did the phone. It worked WELL. My mom/sister well, everyone understood the process and knew it would happen each time; then we got to a place where I could say to my son "My phone is ringing I am going to answer and set the timer" and he wouuld go do a "phone activity" on his own. Now, he is 5 and I can *for the most part* remind him that I am on the phone and that it is not his turn, if he needs my attention he must say excuse me. He does fairly well, but with his lack of impulse control it takes repetition and time to get it sunk in.

If I was babysitting him you could make damn sure he would KNOW my rules and would comply.

If she doesn't want to firmly discipline her son for tantrums, end of story. You can't make her. And if shes doesn't, he won't quit until he outgrows it. Talking (attention) and ignoring (permission) are fueling the fire. All you can do is say, "I cant' hold a conversation like this" and hang up. Maybe she'll feel like doing something about it. Probably not. Getting good behavior from kids when you're on the phone (and consistently at all other times) takes hard work and you don't always get to be the good guy. She's not interested. It's sad for her son that she's nurturing a terrible personality, but it's what she has chosen.

This is very normal. Many kids hate it if their parent gets a phone call; it instantly takes away the parent's attention and the child either throws a fit (like your nephew) or pleads and whines for attention during the call (like some other kids). First, remember that this is normal for young kids. Second, I would normally say to ignore him totally during the phone call, but I can't say that because the behavior includes kicking your sister, which is utterly unacceptable in any circumstance. For the phone calls, I would possibly have her role-play it with him over and over: She talks to him calmly and tells him a call is coming; she will get up and answer the phone when it rings; he will say his special phrase they come up with together -- something like, "When the phone rings, it's toy time!" or whatever -- and then the phone ringing is his signal to turn and play with some toy he really loves and craves. He might even respond well to one new toy that is ONLY for when the phone rings. Then you come over, go into another room, and call her on the cell to practice all this. The calls should be short at first! Then she should immediately praise him a lot for his good behavior during the call and let him keep playing for a while after before shifting his attention elsewhere. Role-play and practice this many times and see if it helps. She does need to be sure to praise him -- she may be so angry with his overall behavior that she forgets to "catch him being good" and let him know she is pleased. He has learned that his bad behavior gets him the attention he wants -- it is "negative attention" of her being angry, but to a young child, even negative attention is still attention so they will behave badly just to get that attention. This is true not only with the phone calls but overall -- it sounds like they are developing a very negative relationship, with her caving and him running things. But often kids who do that actually want rules and boundaries the adults aren't giving. Rules and boundaries do not mean swats, spanks and harsh punishment but they do mean consistency and taking away privileges and possessions -- after warnings -- when behavior warrants it.

It may sound like I'm saying "bribe him and over-praise him" but the truth is, he has become so used to the ringing phone being his signal for a tantrum that she needs to do some serious behavioral change with him, and role-playing, though it takes time and effort, could help.

It also sounds like there are bigger and ongoing behavioral issues here, right? She needs to take a parenting class immediately with a focus on how to get his behavior turned around now -- or he will soon be in kindergarten and she and his parents will be in deep trouble if he acts out there. She's the grandparent but she also can take parenting classes. It would be best if his parents take them with her so they all hear the same things at the same time and can apply discipline consistently and the same way wherever he is -- if he gets one form of discipline at home and another from her, he will never get any consistent behavior going.

Truly, some professional help like a parenting class is a must because he's so close to school age. He could benefit from a good-quality preschool where he learns to listen to and obey adults who are not relatives.

Oh my - there's some harsh answers!

Anyway - I am in agreement with Mira and Kristina M.

I want to address something else as well.........I am NOT saying he has special needs, but IF he does - please don't refer to him as a terror or judge him or others who don't "control" him. Unless you are in the situation yourself and understand the challenges the ENTIRE family faces - do not judge harshly.

Sounds like she has more important things to do than be on the phone. How long are you talking?

He's FOUR YEARS OLD. At this point, it's not about "controlling" him, it's about teaching him and molding positive behavior. You can't do that if you're on the phone.

She needs to ensure he has something to do and THEN talk on the phone.

And he doesn't need to be punished, he needs to be taught how to behave properly.

My daughter was exactly the same way! She would totally ignor me until I got on the phone. Then she needed everything, had a ton of things to tell me, etc.

I got so tired of it I instituted a rule that when the phone rang, she had to sit down and was not allowed to talk to me until I was done. Mind you, I am not the type of person to have long telephone conversations so I was only "unavailable" to her for maybe 5 - 10 minutes tops!

Maybe you could help her teach him this by calling her and then letting her try to teach this new rule to her grandson. You don't have to really be on the phone, just call her, let her answer and then she can pretend while she's putting him back in the spot she determines he should sit while she's on the phone. Sort of like teaching a timeout.

Good luck to your sister. I'm sure this is NOT what she bargained for when she agreed to be the daycare provider!

I have not read the other answers so no sure what everyone else has said. He needs to get tough with him!!! My son's were like that to a point. They always need something when I am on the phone. It drives me crazy. I finally told them unless someone is bleeding and needs medical attetion if I am on the phone don't bother me. And to an extent it works. I would tell her to let him know when she gets a call what her expectations are. If needed she should tell whom ever she's talking to, to hold on just a min and put him in another room. He is controling her and she is letting him.

Try giving him a phone too. First play with him and have a phone conversation with both phones. Then when you call, ask for him and talk to him for a few mins. Then say oh I need to talk to your mommy about a suprise, super exciting thing! I will talk to you soon. your such a great kid, I know you can be respectful and very kind, now go watch some tv ( play with a certian toy, read a book, dust something.) send him on a mission. You might even hide some things for him and make him search for them. Like an easter egg with a bouncy ball inside. Hide it in his shoe or have his mom hide it then when you get off the phone or when the mom is on the phone with someone else have him hunt for it like he is on a top secret mission. "the treasure is some where under your bed, in your closet. be very careful not to make a mess and keep everything tidy its part of the mission. " distraction is key when parents wont take the love or time to show there kid right from wrong and discipline.

One good butt spanking is all he needs.