I Cant Take It Anymore!!!

I took my impossible 5 year old to a child psychologist, referred to me by me regular pediatritian. I told him we were going to see a nice lady who knows a lot about little boys and might help us be a happier family.

We only went to two visits, all we needed. I've used what she showed me throughout his childhood. He is 18 now and a freshman at an engineering school, and has not had any behavioral problems since that one at 5.

:)

Parenting with Love and Logic is good. I've successfully used it with both my children and my high school students.

I would also highly recommend you looking up the child psychologist John Rosemond (he's online and in his column runs in various newspapers). He has a very no-nonesense, 1950s approach to parenting. I've successfully used many of his techniques with my children as well.

While you're doing all this research (trust me, it will be well worth your while), you might consider the following...

1. Do you have a good, solid, predictable routine in place for your daughter? Children of all ages thrive on routine and structure, which is often why they do better at school than at home. School is very structured. Everyone knows what time certain things are done, the schedule rarely changes and we all know what to do.

2. Does your daughter get enough and proper nutrition regularly? My 13 year old is a real pistol and we learned--the hard way--that most of his poor behavior was because he was tired and hungry. We learned to give him a "shot" of protein (usually a glass of milk) with every meal, plus snack times. Teachers who allowed him a glass of milk mid-morning and at 2pm had a much better student; those who did not, suffered with an ill-tempered, unfocused child.

3. Does your daughter get enough sleep. Children need anywhere from 8-11 hours of sleep a day. An "underslept" child is more prone to many problems you don't see in a well-rested child.

4. Does your daughter get plenty of unstructured, run-around-and-get-the-energy out play time? Whether its playing at the park, being involved in an activity that has her running for an hour (or 2 or 3), swimming or even running around a track, your daughter might behave better if some of that extra mischievousness was exercised out. This certainly holds true for my children.

As for the anger issues, this is tough. Help her find coping skills, like putting herself in a time out, deep breathing or doing jumping jacks until the anger has passed. We had to start teaching my 13 year old son this when he was 7 because he just reacted so strongly to EVERYTHING. He manages much better know, but it was a long, hard-fought battle of constant reminders of ok ways to express anger and not ok ways.

As for your husband's reactions, I'm sad to admit, I've done the same thing with my kids. I get so fed up! But, I always apologize and hope someday they'll forgive me. It's not right, and I'm not proud of it, but it sounds like your daughter comes by her temper honestly. I know my sons have! Still, I am the adult, so I try to find a solution after I'm done with my temper tantrum about their temper tantrums. My poor husband...he's spent a lot of time mediating.

Change, however, begins with you. You must show her how to behave better and not treat you and your husband poorly. Love and Logic and John Rosemond will help you find the tools that work. You and your husband must find a way to work together on this. Whatever you do, don't give up on your daughter or your faith that, TOGETHER, you and your husband can retrain her. Remember, a child rises to the level of expectation. If you expect her to behave well and respectfully and teach her how to do it, she will get there. I've seen the truth of this for the last 19 years in my classroom, as well as the last 17 years in my home.

Best of luck. It's not easy, but so very worth it.

Hang tough, sister!

Be careful not to set your daughter up to fail. You already know she's a spirited child, leaving the brush and bucket unattended would be too much temptation and one that you should be aware of and anticipate. Maybe answering the phone during the midst of chaos is not your best choice. I know I dont like talking to friends or family that are yelling at their children during our conversation, it's just rude and frustrating for the parties on both ends.
Dad needs to realize his daughter has a more anxious personality, all kids are different and needed to be treated a little different in order for things to work. What's good for one is not always what works for another. Flexibility is key. Don't squash her spirit but do seek professional counsel for tools to make life easier for her and you guys.

She is playing you. BIG time! My oldest will be 5 in August and she is *constantly* testing the boundaries with me. My husband is also quick to anger because she doesn't listen, but I've found that being calm when SHE'S freaking out works wonders.

For example, she wanted to wear a dress the other day when it was freezing and stormy. I told her no, she needs to wear pants. My husband was home and when she asked again he got mad and yelled that she needed to listen. She stomped her foot and screamed that we weren't listening....so I said, ok I'm listening. She proceeded to tell me just how much she wanted to wear a dress. I told her that I understood, but it was too cold and she could wear a dress the next sunny day. She then went and put on pants. She just wanted to be heard.

It's funny, I always swore I'd never be "that" mom - you know, the one that sits and rationally explains WHY she needs her kids to do something. Children should listen - period...right? Yeah, well that was BEFORE I had a challenging child, and she's JUST like me. Some kids need to feel like they're heard and need a reason for why they can't do things. Now, I understand that sometimes no is no and that's the end of it. But when there IS an easily explained reason (You can't turn up the radio when mommy's on the phone because then I can't hear Daddy), I think it's reasonable to take a few minutes and do it. This especially works well if the child is a little older, like yours is.

Its important that you recognize that since you are only seeing this behavior around you and Dad that it is unlikely she has some disorder that needs to be labeled. If she had a true disorder it would show up in multiple places. That does not mean you need to lay blame on you and your husband. You do need to evaluate your parenting practices and there is absolutely no shame in that. What you do know might work fine for another more easygoing kid but she probably does have a more high strung temperament and the three of you are getting locked into a maladaptive cycle of actions and reactions. It is most important that you and your husband sit down and research a method that will provide her with the consistency she needs to take you both seriously. I know it is easy to get frustrated and all parents blurt out things they don't mean but as parents we have to be willing to own up to our own shortcomings and ask forgiveness from our children when we insult them. She probably already sees herself as a problem child and that is not going to help her be more well behaved. Look into some of the suggested programs below or look into local parenting class in your area. I know my 3 year old daughter has anxiety issues that often result in crazy tantrums--attending a workshop on children and anxiety helped immensely!

Oh my goodness... Some of the other post, so quick to label children, she must have this, she falls in this spectrum, really? She's smart I can tell you this. She knows when and where to act out. Shes perfectly fine at other places, but not at home. That really falls on the parents blame. She should have BEEN learned how to be respectful when your on the phone, when you tell her to stop, you shouldnt have to be so specific, she knows what she is she is doing is wrong. I'm not going to say it's to late, but you are going to have to work extra hard to change her behavior, harder now because this should have been taught like 3 years ago.

I have a few suggestions:

1.) She needs positive, constructive attention from mom and dad. Some kids just need more one-on-one time than siblings need. She acting out to get attention--and bad, angry attention is better than none.

2.) no more telling her she's bad or anything such... No more talking to her negatively. You tell a kid they are "bad" and that becomes their identity. They do bad things because that's who they have been conditioned to think they are, that's who people expect them to do. Positive communication. If you don't know how to talk to her, go to counseling or (parenting classes) so you can be taught the communication methods she will respond to.

3.) modify her diet. No more refined sugar. No more white flour foods. No more food made with artificial dyes and colors (food dyes have been shown to bring out of control, hyper behavior in children). No more meats containing nitrites. Do some research on "behavior modification diet, child" for more information; I think it's called the Goldfein Diet. Some small children are more sensitive to sugar and foods that metabolize into sugar, additives and dyes. It sounds like she's on a constant sugar rush... She need whole grains, high protein, fresh fruits & vegetables, etc.

(Yes, I know... Special diets can be challenging to stick to--they aren't quick and convenient. But you need to try it for at least 4 weeks to see if it helps her be in better control of her behavior.)

it sounds as if she needs to be evaluated to find out what's going on...it's hard to believe that at five years young they have anger issues - but they do...not very often, but she needs to learn about self-control and anger management.

It also sounds as if family counseling will help you guys deal with this together.

She has been able to get away with stuff - she is in control, NOT YOU - and she KNOWS it. She knows what to do and what to say - she can be sweet when she wants to be...she's got you played. Now, it's a matter of you taking back control. Especially since you mention that she doesn't have trouble in school - this BLATANTLY tells me she KNOWS how to work you and daddy...she wins, she's in control.

You and your husband need to be on the same page. While I don't like what he did and said in front of her - sometimes, the truth hurts the worst. Rules MUST be followed and these are the consequences for unacceptable behavior and these are the consequences/rewards for ACCEPTABLE behavior....you BOTH have to agree on rules for discipline and rules for the house. Then you have to explain the rules to her - post them on a board and put them someplace prominent in the home...will this be easy? NO. But you HAVE TO DO IT...

Honestly, her behavior does not sound that unusual for a 5-year-old. Frustrating, sure, but not that "bad" as far as these things go.

From the way you describe it, it really sounds like your husband is overreacting and she's basically imitating that -- so, vicious cycle.

What I recommend is this: Pick a consequence (I don't love the word "punishment," but you could call it that) that you and DH can both administer CALMLY. I'd recommend either a time-out or taking away a favorite toy -- not something physical like spanking. Then, any time your daughter does something she knows she's not supposed to do, apply this consequence immediately. Don't issue warnings, just do it. Then, as soon as she shapes it up, she gets her toy back, gets out of time out, etc. If she protests about the consequence, just say, VERY calmly and quietly, "Well, when you behave that way, you lose your barbies [or whatever]. So you decide what you care about."

Just remember, this consequence needs to be:
*The same every time
*Silent (she is either silently marched to time-out or her toy is silently taken away)
*You and DH have to apply the same consequence, same basic way, and NOT show anger. Showing anger signals that you are not in charge, and it role-models an angry response to frustration.

But, the other thing is, your DH needs to understand that 5 is still tantrum territory. And children push boundaries, test limits, etc. -- that's what kids do.

So, I guess that's what I recommend: predictable consequences for her, reasonable expectations for him. And maybe a day off for you, just b/c you deserve it ;)

Mira

What you have described is normal kid behavior. When you said "Maddie, leave that alone", she might not have understood what you were meaning for her to leave alone. My 4.5 year old does that a lot. I have to be very specific, as in "Tyler, do not touch the bucket of paint and do not touch the brush." My husband is more generalized like you are, and my son often doesn't know how to obey what he's saying.

Same with the music. She was trying to be sweet. In her thinking, she didn't' realize you wouldn't want it turned up, you know? It sounds like you have the right view in when you said that you think she doesn't even realize she's misbehaving - she probably really doesn't. A lot of people are hard on kids for simply BEING and THINKING like kids.

It seems like you do need to do something about the phone calls, though. It's apparently very (overly) upsetting to your husband. We sometimes have crazy phone call time when there is a TON of background noise from the kids. I tell the kids that they need to be quiet or else I will need to go into the other room so I can hear daddy. I don't get mad at them - I just state the facts. If they are quiet, I stay. If they aren't, I go in the other room and close the door - locking it if I need to. Sometimes I have to go in my bedroom, then into my bathroom to get it quiet enough! Then they learn that if they want me out with them, they need to be quiet enough so that I can be while talking on the phone. I don't treat them like they are in trouble. I just have the consequence (me not being around them) do the teaching for them.

What your husband said was certainly inappropriate and wrong. I know we all hit our breaking points at times, so I'm hoping he was just hitting his there and that he doesn't make his behavior a habit. That is really sad, though. Kids take TIME and kids do KID things. Sure, it's more complicated and chaotic, but nothing you described made me think your daughter is a bad kid. It almost seems like he has unrealistic expectations. Maybe think about changing your approach?

I don't know if you read books, but I HIGHLY recommend reading "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelsen. I'm reading it now. I LOVE it. It is so interesting and it really makes sense. Positive discipline/parenting is NOT at all wimpy parenting. Your children are expected to obey, it's just a much different approach. My phone call example of what to do, that comes from the book. For another simple example, when you asked your daughter to leave and she told you no, you don't say anything else, you just go and gently take her by the arm and remove her from the room. You always try to come across kind and loving, but firm as well. They can't disobey or disrespect you either. But also, you learn how to understand their thought processes and it makes it MUCH easier to be patient with them. I would go on about the book explaining everything, but you'd do better just reading it yourself. It's very interesting! It's a much different approach, so both you and hubby would do good to read it. My hubby is going to read it this week. But even if your hubby won't (which if he wants a better behaved kiddo, this is a really good book for that!), just you reading it can make some major improvements.

I'm still reading the book, but I've been implementing things as I learn them, and I've already seen an amazing change!

Parenting is hard! Changing our approaches can do wonders with our kids. I highly, highly, highly recommend you read the book. It sounds like she's feeling pretty frustrated too. (((hugs)))

Oh, and maybe make sure that you and hubby go on dates regularly WITHOUT the kiddo. Sounds like he might need some reconnection and calming time.

A lot of times it's not the child that needs to be "fixed." It's how she's being disciplined and spoken to, and if there are problems in the marriage already those need to be addressed. A lot of what you're describing sounds like typical behavior to me, but what's key is how you and your husband are responding to it. She responds in an angry way to things because honestly? That's what's being modeled for her. And I'm sure she's just as frustrated with being chastised and yelled at and told to stop doing that or "no" all the time as you are with saying those things.

You really need to change your approach and start using positive language with her. Praise her for good behavior. Be specific in what you expect of her. Redirect her. Give her tasks to do and give her some responsibility. Figure out ways in which you can avoid saying "no" and giving a negative response and still discipline ie. TEACH her properly.

"Don't touch the paint brush" could have been "If you want to help Mommy, how about you bring me the ____ and you can ____ for me like a big girl. That will be your special job."

Lay out your expectations and rules for when you're on the phone every time you answer it. "Honey, I'm going to be on the phone for five minutes. While I'm on the phone it's important that you stay quiet. If you stay quiet we can ___ when I get off the phone." Then set a timer for five minutes so that you get off when you say you will and she has something to look forward to.

I have to do this when I'm cooking supper but it's not something the girls can help me with. "I'm sorry, it's not safe for you to flip chicken cutlets. But you know how you can really help me while I make sure the chicken doesn't burn? You can wash the front of the dishwasher with this towel and the cleaning spray. See how dirty it is from Daddy splashing stuff?" Then I have them clean windows too. Or I put some wood polish on a rag and tell them to polish the banister on the stairs. Or I let them "sort" the spoon drawer. Or some other equally important job that only they're capable of doing but they'll buy that I actually need having done.

We do a lot of natural consequences here as well. If they break something intentionally, it's done. I don't replace it. If they speak disrespectfully then I let them know it's inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, that it hurts feelings, and they get put in a time out to calm down and get their thoughts together. I tell them why they're going into the "cool down" and after a few minutes I ask them if they're ready to talk and if they understand why they're in isolation. If the attitude still stinks then they get to stay there until there's a change and unsolicited apology and we can have a conversation without disrespect on either side.

Your 5 year old sounds a lot like my 5 year old, except that mine is a boy and has a ton of extra energy (so do half the other boys in his class). Sometimes he is sweet and cooperative and sometime he is bouncing off the walls and can barely settle down and follow directions. Practically all kids seem to want attention when you are on the phone--my mom claims they can smell it ;-) Teach her an appropriate way to get your attention (say "Excuse me", use a hand signal or whatever) and then remind her it is only for "emergencies" that can't wait a few minutes.

It sounds like your husband needs a basic overview on child development and you both need some more effective behavior management tips. Whatever disipline you use needs to be consistent--you both need to use the same consequences and use them every time. A family counselor can help a lot in this area--even if you know what to do a counselor can help you put things into practice more effectively. There are lots of parenting books out there. My favorites are Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child and How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. 123 Magic and Love and Logic are also good. Setting Limits is my first choice because is puts so many tips in one book and emphasizes that some kids needs need to experience consequences over and over to have them sink in.

Another thing that may help is your husband spending time doing something enjoyable with your daughter on a regular basis. I know when your kid is driving you crazy it is hard to follow through with this--I struggle with it too and sometimes want to disengage when my kids drive me nuts (so I don't get mad and yell because I am out of patience). But spending even 10 to 15 minutes a day doing something fun really builds the goodwill in a relationship and reminds the parent if can be fun to play with your kid. Also, when a lot of the annoying behavior is the child trying for more attention then then it helps to give them some guarenteed attention every day.

The only other thing that jumped out at me is you may need to work on telling you child what to do right or what is expected before she misbehaves. It works as a redirection too: stop doing X but you can do Y instead. More specific directions are better. For example before you go out to a restaraunt tell you expect her to speak quietly, not yell and stay in her seat during the meal. Then help her out by bringing a few toys to pull out when she gets bored.

As for the anger, she could probably benefit from directions on how to express her anger apporpriately (count to ten, take deep breaths, hit a pillow not a person, exercise, etc). Then it takes a lot of reminders and praise for using them until they sink in (it's extra hard to remember things when you are mad). Occasional tantrums even at 5 are not that unusual though a lot of kids give them up around that age.

Daddy needs some counseling...or maybe the two of you. Identifying your daughter as the issue in your marriage is not going to help anyone or anything.

I can see why both you and your husband are upset and frustrated, and you're insightful for being concerned about how much more of this your marriage can take.

I would suggest that you stop making excuses for your daughter such as "Sometimes I don't even thinks she realizes she is misbehaving..." If she doesn't act this way at school she knows it's wrong and that they won't take it, or dropping the issue when "she will apologize and be sweet and then it happens again." Apologizing is just one aspect of behavioral control, where's the consistent consequences, disciplines and accountability on her part? Coming back to turn the radio up for "mommys favorite song" was her way of getting back in the room you had told her to stay out of, so in effect, she got what she wanted, and should have had a consequence. And the fact that she gets "so mad at the littlest things." Well, then she never learned to control her anger when she was 3, or to be respectful of you when you are on the phone for that matter, and now you have a bigger problem. She's impulsive and demanding, and that doesn't make for a happy child. In a nutshell you need to help her learn to control her anger, her impulsiveness (the paint), and to be accountable for her actions.

~ Talk to her about the way she feels and encourage her to use her words to tell you.
~ Determine what triggers her angry outbursts and cut problems off before they start if you can. For instance, if being forced to quit playing so she can take a bath makes her furious, give her 10-, 5- and 1-minute warnings.
~ Try to ignore her if she's throwing herself on her bed or kicking and screaming. She needs to release her anger and should be allowed to as long as there's no danger to herself and others.
~ Set limits. Inform her of rules, such as no touching the paint, sitting or standing quietly when you're on the phone and waiting until you're finished, etc., and let her know that she will lose a privilege or toy (since you say time-outs don't work for her) if she breaks the rules.
~ Explain that you understand she's angry. Sometimes children need others to understand how they feel. Use words like, "I know you're upset and I'm sorry you feel that way. Let's see if we can fix it together."
~ Remove her from the situation immediately if her behavior is destructive or she puts herself or anyone else in danger. Kicking, biting, hitting and throwing things require a 5 minute time-out, no matter what. Explain to her why she must have a time-out, place her on her bed or another secluded spot in the house and walk away. Continue to put her back in time-out if she gets up and restart the 5 minutes. When time is up, remind her why she needed to be alone, ask her to apologize and allow her to play again.
~ Encourage her to use words instead of violence when she is angry. Say, "It is fine to feel angry, but it's not appropriate to hit other people (or whatever she's did.). Can you tell me why you're mad?" Explain that she might hurt other people because of her anger.

Consistency is the key. It WILL be work on your part, but that's a responsibility we parents have, to teach our children acceptable behavior.

Why don't you and your husband go out to dinner and talk about the situation? Each of you can say what you need to, come up with a plan for dealing with her problems, and hopefully have some fun together.

Perhaps you can have her evaluated so you know her learning style and strengths and weaknesses, so you can figure out what makes her tick and what would work in terms of discipline. It is possible that she has some kind of deficit in terms of learning that is causing this behavior. If she was in a wheel chair you would not get mad at her for not being able to go upstairs, perhaps she has something going on that makes her unable to truly hear you. Since your name is 3boysand3girls, if this truly means you have 6 kids, maybe misbehaving is a way to get attention? I don't know, I am no psychologist, but I would go see one if it is causing the kind of stress you are describing. Good luck.

Issues CAN just show up at home - my daughter was able to "keep it together" at school and would just melt when she came home and need to cry for half an hour to get the stress out. She is a Highly Sensitive Child and also has a touch of agoraphobia (fear of crowds - not great if you have to go to a busy school). We were able to use specific techniques for her at home and at school that worked. She is now 14 and very self aware and socially and academically successful.

My daughter was 3 almost 4 when I was at my wit's end. I saw a website recommended here on Mamasource called www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com. Weird name, but I swear by it! Even if you aren't Christian, you can really benefit from this website; I have used it with all four of my children. Good luck!

Here is what my favorite child psychologist, John Rosemond, would probably say to do-its what he advises many parents with this kind of discipline problem. Tell her you just called the doctor and he said that she was probably acting like this because she needed more sleep so tonight she will go to bed immediately after dinner. And make her-and keep it up for at LEAST a week. According to him and the parents who write into him this method works wonders on an obstinate child. It may take more than one go around to work though.
I get that this is problematic in your marriage but you need to put a top to your DH talking like that in front of her. I do not say this lightly-He could be damaging her for life by saying stuff like that. Do whatever you have to do but make him stop it. And apologize to her.

First of all your hubby needs to grow-up a little. She is his daughter too. Start doing some research online it sounds like she may fall into the Autisim spectrum.
Both of you need to sit down with a counselor and decide how you are going to deal with your daughter's behavior. His anger issues also need to be explored, there is no reason for him to become so angry.

Lipstick mama suggested watching what she eats. Holland did a study I heard about on the news recently where they studied kids with ADHD and the behavior problems that came with it.

What this Dutch study said was that 64% of children diagnosed with ADHD calmed down and were taken off medicine when their diet was changed.

I had a son that was allergic to FD&C yellow #5, FD&C red and Blue, and things that were fermented. (Vinegar has been fermented, as is soy sauce. Vinegar is in piclkes an many other things.) When we got all of these things out of his diet, he calmed right down and was "normal".

Changing his diet worked for us. Good luck to you and yours.

we had the same issue with our 6 year old we brought him to a counselor and they diagnosed him with a mood disorder......now were just eliminating which one so we can work things out. without putting him on medications...good luck!!!

You need to show your husband that his immature and angry behavior/personality has been passed down to his daughter - both by genetics and environment. Just as HE needs to remember he's an adult and to work on HIS anger issues, your daughter needs to maybe have therapy until your Husband has his issues under control first. She's a child - she's going to be frustrating because of not listening, wanting to prove independence, unable to control her emotions - SHE'S FIVE YEARS OLD... Your husband on the other hand is most likely over 30 y/o and still cannot say he can do all that he expects a child to do.

She sounds pretty normal to me for a 5 year old in the situations she's in. She's 5 and needs direction to learn how to act and it needs to be specific. Others have given great examples and here's one specific to the paint brush. "Maddie, please put the paint brush back on the tray". You could follow it up with asking her if she wants to help and then asking her to get a paper towel, rag, or something she's able to do. Remember to Thank her.

Love and Logic is a good book as is 123 magic. Knowledge about 5 year olds and what is developmentally appropriate would help you. You might want to ask the preschool and program leaders what tips they can give. Children don't come attached with an instruction booklet so it is easy to not know or forget all that comes along with the age they currently are.

Both you and your husband need to find effective discipline that you approach in an unemotional manner, it's part of helping a child to grow important but shouldn't be filled with the angst and anger your husband is displaying. You say nothing phases her, but it does, how heartbreaking to be in a position where you are punished for something you don't even understand or control. Yep, I'd be mad too and take it out on "little things"! Take care, I hope it turns around for you and becomes the fun it should be!

Wow-I'm no expert but it seems to me like your daughter is seeking attention no matter how she gets it. Dad-shame on him. That is his daughter-yet he speaks and most likely treats her as if she is an inconvenience to him. In order for the child to understand that there are consequences you both have to be on the same page. It seems (and I don't have the full story here) but sounds like mom is left up to the dicipline of the 5 year old and all dad wants to do is sit back and complain about it. Typical male I know but it doesn't make it right. Behavior always seems to fall back onto the mother even though the man/father is the one that isn't putting their part in. I don't care what anyone says......they say that a boy needs his father but little girls need their father even more believe it or not. Yes I agree boys need that positive role model I'm not denying that but sometimes I think people think that just because a girl has her mom she doesn't need a male figure so much-so wrong. All children need both of those but I believe that girls need it just as much as a boy does.
You need to sit down and have a talk with the husband. If he feels that her behavior is unacceptable then what measures are the both of you going to take to improve it? It sounds like she just needs some positive reinforcement and maybe some one on one time with BOTH of you not just one but both of you. Consistency is the key and she needs to know that every action has a consequence as well. I have twin girls and they at times can be a little out-of-hand and it seems that in order to get my point across to them I literally have to yell and strain my voice and you could hear a pin drop. They get so involved in their own little world mixed in with giggles and laughter that they don't even hear mom so I have to resort to yelling which I hate I really do and they have gotten better the older they have become but I have found that when your husband supports you and help you with the follow through of the dicipline -everything goes smoother. Sounds like he resents your daughter for some odd reason and perhaps it's just her behavior but he has just as much to blame if he isn't participating in the discipline and leaving it all up to you. That isn't fair to you, your daughter, or himself. Here again I don't have the full story so I could be dead wrong on a lot of this but this is just my opinion. I make mistakes with my children too and for the most part they are very good kids-I know that and get comments about that all the time but sometimes we tend to forget that they are just kids and sometimes we just expect them to know certain things but it's our job as parents to lead them and teach them and you can't do that if they are fighting you for attention whether it's good or bad...........

seriously, try giving her quality undivided attention for an entire day (if you are not working). usually they act out cuz they want you to notice. and if you are painting or on the phone.... that would do it for my kids too!

It sounds to me that she maybe acting out for attention. When a child is good and realizes that their parents aren't focusing upon them, and if they act out they get their parents full attention, they learn to get what they want. Which is their parents attention, even if it's negative attention. To them, it's better than being ignored. And pertaining to her anger management issue, this too maybe a learned behavior. How do you and your husband react when you are flustered and angry? Children can be our little mirrors showing us ourselves our traits,weather being good or bad. She is a little sponge soaking up all that is around her. What stimuli she is retaining will be reflected through her behavior. I would advise family counseling first. Everyone could use a little help in the parenting field. It couldn't hurt. It may even help your husband build more appropriate reactions towards his daughters misbehavior. If that doesn't work, and she still is angry and mischievous, then ask for a referral for a clinical psychologist. They maybe able to help her with cognitive behavioral therapy. My personal belief is that you can improve a child's overall well being through behavior modification and dietary changes. Medication should always be the very last resort, and even then only given to extremely disturbed and chemically imbalanced children. It sounds like your daughter does not fit into this latter category. I pray that you, your daughter, and husband find peace and happiness in your lives together.

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Hi,
It sounds like you are caught in the middle between 2 people who get easily flooded with emotion and have a hard time calming themselves.

I am a mom of (what I perceived to be) a challenging child. It was so challenging that I took the Redirecting Children's Behavior Course when she was 3
http://www.amazon.com/Redirecting-Childrens-Behavior-Kath...
It made such a difference for us that I became an instructor.

To me, you have 3 issues:
1. Power Struggles with your daughter
2. Your daughter's difficulty calming herself
3. Your husband's difficulty calming himself

So, I would highly recommend the RCB course if you can find it in your area. Go to incaf.com to find one. A great addition to that can be found in this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Real-Love-Parenting-Greg-Baer/dp/18...

Also, to help with anger issues I would recommend Emotional Freedom Techniques. You can learn this on your own or there are lots of folks who have EFT practices who work on the phone. Check out:
eftuniverse.com
http://www.eft-downloads.com/Anger.asp

Also, check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Code-Minutes-Success-Relati...

I hope this helps. Feel free to contact me if you have questions.
Blessings,
K.
Kimberly Smith Cavins, OTR, CPE, EFT-Cert
"From the Heart" Family Healing

Helping people with:
~Parenting or Family Struggles
~Unhealed Emotional Issues, Trauma, or Illness
Who need Peace, Love, and Connection

Remedy Center for Healing Arts; 4910 Burnet Rd Austin, Tx 78756; ____@____.com
"We can do no great things, only small things with great Love"~Mother Teresa

Children mirror their parents.
She wanted attention - that's obvious. You were painting, then on the phone... she was getting no attention so she stuck the paintbrush into the paint - negative attention in her world is better than no attention. Ditto for the radio.
Get some counseling for the family.
Get some counseling for your marriage.
You both need to discipline this kid - you can't be the heavy all the time. You need to both get on the same page. You need to find her currency. You also need to reward her good behavior and totally ignore the behavior you don't like. She is screaming for attention...
That said, if you are busy and he calls either don't answer or tell him to call back later. It's okay for him to wait.
Why can't you set up painting for your daughter while you are painting. Make it an activity for the both of you. Parenting is hard work and it's extremely stressful sometimes...
I know that you just want to get stuff done, but in reality -- that isn't happening. Your family is in chaos. You need to fix that first.
LBC

READ Parenting With Love & Logic, also many schools & churches offer free classes in it. I used it in my classroom for 8y and use it w/my 4y old. You will see + changes instantly!

Try you and your husband reading/studying and committing to doing the Love & Logic method. Just rememeber nothing will change until you both change first.
Good luck! (oh, and I also think you need to set aside time for a date night without the stress of kids :)

My kids are the same. I have one exactly like yours. She's five, all of you sit down and write out the house rules. Rules all of you have to obey. Number one should be respect for self and others. Behavior is learned/reinforced at home. When someone breaks that rule, they need a time out, then must apologize to the offended. The other rules can apply to her. I found that this worked out the best. It was consistent and everyone felt they were treated more fairly. You and Dad need some time away. Date night is very important. No talking about the kid, just be awesome lady and handsome man out on a date! You know, the people you were before you had kids. It will go a long way to getting you and your spouse back on the same side. cb

Sounds like Dad needs his batteries recharged and a little time away with you to have some face time. Can you guys slip away for an evening together? Dinner out, a movie whatever, just time without little people interrupting your every thought. We can all start to crack under that pressure. My hubby will also call in the day sometimes and I will so want to talk to him, but you know life is just all over the place at times and I too have one of those, shall we say, "spirited" children. :D He is wearing a cape and has to tell you all about it and then decides to leap off the sofa and then pummels his younger brother, both of these activities are no-nos. Then it's too the room for time out and apologies and then we are off to jumping all over the sofa again and pummeling his baby bro....and so on... Life... Everything you said sounds normal to me, just kid stuff and kid stuff and adult conversations often clash mightily. One thing I have been doing lately is getting out to the park daily. It is burning hot here by 10:30am so I have to get out by like 9:30 at the latest but an hour of park time is so life changing for me these days! If I can't pull off the park then I am sending my boys to the backyard to run it out in the sprinkler. Just have to get them out in the a.m. to run off some of that crazy energy that is just spilling over every moment. This has been challenging as I am prego with #3, but worth it overall. The main thing I would say marriage wise is try not to criticize your hubby, he sounds super stressed. Try to get some alone time with him and don't forget to tell him cute stuff your baby girl did that day. Use some of that energy to get her to paint something for daddy and just do what you can to help turn that relationship back down on the right path. I think all of us can get where he is but he needs to get back on track. She'll be ok, we have all said and done things we wish we haven't, it will be the total package of her relationship with him that will win out in her life, not this one season. Hang in there, life is so challenging, you can be rockin' along great and then hit the bricks and the next week be ok again, just the way things go. Good luck!!

This may be blunt, but you describe your daughter's anger only to follow it by dad's anger---where do you think she is learning this from?? Obviously by example from dad and how your husband just curses and yells in front of her! And also all that this is teaching her is how it is "okay" for yelling, cursing, and screaming, and also treating you with no respect.

need some family therapy here.....schools have no trouble with her, so something is happening at home. your daughter is not a bad child at all, she has learned that this behavior is okay from her home environment!!

I have a 5 year old boy and a 12 year old girl. When my son was born, my then 7 year old daughter started acting out. She wasn't the center of attention anymore. Sounds to me like your daughter needs some special attention from both of you, individually every day; even if it's just 30 minutes to sit and read a book, color, cook, etc. I would follow that up with a sit down dinner with the entire family at the table and family time every day (games or some other activity) and a family outing at least once a week. Remember that when a child is acting out, 9 times out of 10 it is attention seeking behavior. You are absolutely right that Dad needs to stop talking about it in front of her or if there is any possibility of her hearing it. Her hearing this will cause her to have EXTREME self esteem issues and will increase the behavior (negative attention is better than no attention). You have time to nip this in the bud! Make time for you and your man too!
I hope it gets better for you!

I'm confused, she is never a problem at MDO or Preschool? Is she a problem when it's just Dad and her? does she spend time with grandparents or aunts and behave for them? the reason I'm asking is if a child is only a behavior problem for parents not for school it usually means lack of consistency at home. If she truly has anger issues, behavior disorders she would not be able to keep it together at school. Talk to her teachers, Find out what kind of discipline they use at school, how do they redirect her if she STARTS to become a problem? if it works for them it may work for you. I'm also confused, her behavior is beginning to ruin your marriage and your heart breaks for her? My heart breaks for your marriage. What have you tried? have you read books about discipline and young children, have you stuck to one consistent set of consequences for a few weeks? have you read 1,2,3 Magic?

try love and logic. they have seminars, books, audio...it works.