Talking Back? - Chantilly,VA

I agree with Rosebud-- I have a seven year old boy. There are times when he's just blowing off steam ("Why am I the only one...." "You always make me do chores..." etc); these I usually ignore, just encourage him to do what needs to be done.

We have recently also had a season of trying out that whole "talking back" rudeness, and honestly, our responses are varied. It really depends on how it fits into the larger picture of the situation.

1.If I feel Kiddo is only 'trying out' being sassy but in a relatively decent mood, I will ask him "oh, well, that sounded bossy. You want to try that again?"

2. "Take a break and come back when you are ready to speak politely so we can solve the problem". This, when he's frustrated and needing some space from a problem for a few minutes. We find this works for him.

3.There have been a few times when the rudeness was such that I had him go sit in the bathroom or some other place for a seven-minute time out. (Some other place being 'not his room'.) I find there is a difference between taking down time and needing an actual time out to 'please think of what you can do next time if you are feeling mad like this'-- and we'll make a list of positive choices. If the attitude and behavior go any further, there's loss of privileges (tv/media time) and/or an early bedtime.

I realize that it's hard for children to "know their place" (that they and their parents are not considered equals, which is a hard reality for them) while they are expressing themselves and their anger. They aren't good at it. Think about all of the adults you might know who are challenged by this. :)

I guess this isn't definitive, but it really depends on what events have led up to the back talking as to how I address it. A rude, snotty attitude one day at a restaurant lunch meant that my husband and I decided to take away the fun outing we had planned for that afternoon. He needed to know the griping was unacceptable and unpleasant and that he doesn't get a treat for ruining our lunch. That's been the most extreme so far.

We try really hard not to make every single thing he says a hill to die on, which is why I suggest offering "you want to try that again?" before jumping to the conclusion that there is deliberate, genuine rudeness going on. Kids are rough with each other, talk to each other in bossy ways, and other kids are going to try this out with their parents. I want to help my son maintain good relationships, so we do address this at home and he knows that I expect him to always be respectful with the other adults in his life. I also don't want to overreact, either.

Some people might find the varied responses inconsistent; I would suggest that when we are connected with our kids, guidance in the moment is meant to solve an overall problem. So, if he's frustrated and challenged by something and spouting off, I want to teach him to take a break and come back to the activity. But if it's just intentional snotty-faced mean rudeness, then we bring a bit of thunder to the consequence.

Yeah, it's common.
Our son picked up a few habits in daycare / preschool that we were not fond of.
Some of the other parents swear like sailors so of course their kids do too.
When he tried out speaking to me disrespectfully I asked him why he thought it was alright to talk to me like that.
I said "Excuse me? What did you say? I don't call you bad names or make you feel bad. I call you 'Sweetheart' and other nice names and I expect you to do the same. I don't care what any other family does - in our house we are all sweet and nice to one another.".
And that cleared it right up.

Yes, just about everyone.

Others will expand on this, but it comes down to:

It's a stage - she's testing the boundaries

Choose your battles - not every battle needs to be fought; ignoring certain behaviors is one method of extinguishing them

Give immediate, predetermined consequence

Others can elaborate on possible consequences.

I, too, suggest this is a stage. She has discovered another way of talking. Perhaps from kids at school, on TV, or hearing other people. Sometimes, we as parents use that tone. She is testing to see if it works. We just need to tell her that the tone and/or words are not acceptable. Nervy Girl's ways work for me.

This is also a time when she's more aware and involved in being with others and doing things. As a preschooler she had meltdowns when frustrated. Now, she's seen others back talk or be disrespectful. She thinks unconsciously, this may be a new way to cope. So in addition to not accepting the attitude we review other ways of interacting and expressing feelings. When children are preschoolers we say "use your words." Now we add "be respectful" and teach what that means.

Of course, we need to be careful to model respect. I see parents telling their child to be respectful in a cranky or angry tone of voice; then wonder why their child doesn't get it. As with all discipline we need to be calm and respectful ourselves.

I think Nervy Girl nailed it. A lot depends on what's going on when the kid spouts off. One thing I have done successfully is say uh-oh or oh no, sounds like you need to take a breath before your attitude gets you in trouble. With my oldest (15) I'll say I sure hope you're not going to have to lose your cell phone for the rest of the day because you're unable to get a grip on your tude. It's AMAZING how quickly things change.

Another great one (from Love and Logic) is oh no, when you behave poorly it sucks a lot of my energy. Now you're going to need to clean the table (or whatever chore she can handle) because you've drained me. I highly recommend reading Love and Logic. You can find their books easily and it's very encouraging and prepares kids that their choices matter without lecturing.

Blessings!
L.

Ps. Getting a hold on this now is imperative. Some of my daughter's acquaintances still throw fits at 15. My daughter is blown away by it and if you think it's ugly at 5, 15 isn't attractive either. :)

i had tons of wisdom to offer you.
but this time around chose to read the other responses first, and bam! they already nailed it!
good luck.
:) khairete
S.